Friends (Or More)
By Sweetprincipale
Dedicated to: SusanMarieS, Concy, RagAnne, Brokenblackrose89,samcazao, mother wilson, pgoodrichboggs, all the awesome readers who like this little story!
Part VII
"Slayer? Buffy, wake up. It's time to go," Spike murmured in her ear.
Buffy blinked and looked up. The trap door was open and only a few candles were lit. dim, gray light filtered down, letting her know that morning had arrived. Spike was standing shirtless, a mass of bruised flesh, but otherwise healed. And hot. "You're walking! Walking better!" Buffy's smile lit up the room, and her elated tone made him beam back at her.
"I'm limpin' and my arm won't extend over my head yet, but I'd say I'm ninety percent, Luv. Thanks to my girl."
She sat up. There it was. Last night happened. My girl. My man. He- he drank me. He made me- oh boy. Her cheeks flamed. I had a teensy mini orgasm from biting and second-basing. With Spike.
His smile went wooden. His eyes took on a guarded look.
No! Not that look. That's the bad look. That's the look when someone yanks the rug out from under you and everything that was safe the night before is cold and ugly and fake the morning after. "I wish I didn't have to rush off, but- life of a wannabe regular college girl with best friend boyfriend drama awaits." Buffy slid from the bed and over to him, semi-shy looking. I'm not sexy. I can't seduce. Angel seriously had laughed at her attempts. He was somehow jaded and older, reserved. Then the next minute, making out hot and heavy, yet it was all about love's purity. There were cravings, but it was really odd. Right now, if you asked her, she couldn't tell you just what it was that her first love had craved, except it wasn't all of her. It had become parts.
Spike watched her falter. There was confidence there, and then confidence shuttered itself knew how it felt. He was used to prowling and flaunting. Which might put her off completely.
And when I'm worried, I just wanna reach for her.
When I don't know what to do, I just ask him. "Hi," she was inches away, the smile not sensual, not shy, something in between.
"Good morning, gorgeous." His hand found her hair, and then her cheek. "Do friends get good morning kisses?" He flirted mildly.
"No… but you do. You're not just a friend anymore."
"No, that's right. I'm your man. Your vampire." They kissed longingly and she let out a little squeak. "Too much?"
"Not exactly." We were going to be slow. And cautious. And not get hurt. I'm not hurt. I'm being cautious. But I think I'm the one who's stabbing me with the pokey stake of doubt.
"I'll see you after patrol and whatever else you need to do. I'll stay put- this time. Only because it'd be nice to have a twenty four hour window between annoyin' injuries," he quipped.
"I'll bring blood if you want?"
"I've got leftovers from last night. Tell you what, if the limp is gone and the shoulder is in working order, we could head down to the butchers or Willy's together. Later?"
She nodded. Then shook her head.
"Well, which is it, Luv?"
"I know I said I'd come in and probably fall asleep immediately after class and patrol and Willow-comforting. I'm feeling pretty refreshed actually. I want to stay in with you tonight," she whispered, biting her lip. Which is probably suggestive. It was suggestive in my head. Agh! No suggestions! "Oh! But not to - not to do things. I meant, I -don't know what I meant exactly. I then realized that I sound like a jerk if I'm saying let's just stay in and you don't get to pick up your own dinner. I'm not selfish, I'm just- mildly stupid before coffee, sometimes?"
He chuckled. "Dinner. Then staying in. Or goin' out. Whatever suits you is likely to suit me."
"Yeah? I want to go see a ballet," Buffy playfully challenged him.
He raised one eyebrow slowly. Testing the waters, are we? This craft is seaworthy. "All right. I liked the ballet when I was human. Dru like it, too. She had a thing for long, graceful necks."
"I no longer want to go see a ballet," Buffy frowned. "Staying in? Post-food finding?"
"In some cultures they call that 'dinner', Slayer." He kissed her one more time, and felt her lean into him. Felt her temperature rise. "What's a normal night in for two not-just-friends like us?"
Heart pounding. Clogging up ears. And brain. Not good. "I - homework. Training. Oh! No, no training. Gotta get better. I'm sure you're pretty sick of homework, so-"
He cut her off, eyebrows lowering, brow lining. "Buffy, do you think of things only in terms of the bloke you're with? What they want to do?"
"No! That ballet thing was not what springs to mind when I think 'Spike.'"
"I don't want this to be one-sided. I had one-sided."
"It's not. How can you-"
"Oh, not about the interest," he reassured hastily, hugging her tightly, not caring for the sudden pain in his shoulder. "I'd like us to be more than friends, yeah. I haven't had a proper friend in decades, just plenty of people who were in it for what they could get. I know you're not like that. I'm not like that- now."
"So what are you saying? You itch to spend a night trying to understand remedial biology?"
"I bet we'd be brilliant at biology." Spike winked. "Chemistry, too."
"Your wit is still tired," Buffy smirked back.
"I like bein' with you. I like helpin' you. You help me. You like that, or else last night wouldn't have happened. We could- this is a radical idea, but I've heard it spoken of highly in human circles," Spike paused dramatically, "make compromises and find things we'd like to do together." He and Drusilla had that once. And he had been happy. Those days and nights were glorious. And now, they wouldn't hurt, wouldn't suddenly shift, and he wouldn't have to look after someone fragile and hurtful by turns.
Buff blinked. "That sounds… reasonable. And nice. And again, pretty perfect. But if you tell anyone I-"
"I'm staked, I remember," he laughed and released her with one more kiss. "Your common interests and mine might not mesh too badly, Luv. I wouldn't mind goin' ten rounds with you. I like huntin' up things that put up a good fight. An' if there's any practical hands-on sorta labs in your biology book…"
"It's not that remedial." Buffy was surprised to find herself laughing easily with him. "Now, the chemistry…" her arms twined around his neck and she pulled him in for another kiss. "I like waking up with you."
As soon as she said it, her insides froze.
"What? What's wrong, baby?" Spike's eyes roamed over her, smelling a sudden wave of fear.
"No… Nothing. Nothing now, I just- I said that to Angel once. Right after that, is when I told him I wanted my future, abnormal as it would be, to be with him. It all started 'cause of spending the night and I - then he-" Buffy made a sad, confused sound. 'I'm sorry, Spike. It's nothing."
"You told him. He thought about what was 'noble' and he told you to take the abnormal version of normal and shove it?"
"In a much more heart-rendy way."
"Hm. I like waking up with you, too. I don't even have to be in bed with you the night before, Buffy. It's always a good night or a good day when you're around me. Now, of course. Not so much last year, but-" Spike shrugged and sniffed in loudly, one of those manly, "I'm perfectly confident' sniffs that hides a lot of worry. "-that's all in the past, init?"
She nodded vigorously, letting out a breath, pasting on a glowing smile. The female version of the overconfident noise. Yep. So, I have to shower. I have to check on Wills. I'll see you tonight?"
"It's a date."
Another kiss. Walking her to the door. Another kiss. And one for luck. They parted ways.
The didn't part thoughts.
I have a date.
We have a date.
He smiled all the way back to bed.
She smiled all the way to the dorm.
Buffy paused outside of her own door. Listening for sounds of sobbing or talking. Nothing. She carefully opened the door to reveal a glassy-eyed Willow, staring at nothing, tear-streaked cheeks and mussed hair. Xander was lying on her bed, dead to the world. "Hi?" she whispered, sliding into the room.
"It's okay, I'm here! Tissues!" Xander woke up, bellowing reflexively. "Oh. Hey." He waved as he took in his surroundings. "You're back. Good. Wills?"
"Alive."
"Are you going to class?" Buffy hesitantly asked.
"No."
Xander looked between the two of them. "Wills…"
"There's no point. There's no point without Oz."
"Oh, Willow-"
"Xander," Buffy shook her head meaningfully. "I have to go to class, but then I'll come right back. I can bring ice cream. Chocolate? Chocolate ice cream?"
"I'm not at the grieve-y eating stage," Willow said in a hollow voice. "This is somehow payback. For me and Xander. Last year."
Xander stumbled forward, protesting. "What? Wills, no! He and I even hung out! It's- he knew it was some kissing. Some misplaced feelings. Oz would never be petty. He's forgiving. He loved you enough to put that in the past. I mean, talk about a quiet but honorable- I'm not helping, am I?"
"He wanted to control the wolf, you said that last night. You said there were werewolves that could connect to him, and he didn't like they could do that. He wanted to be in control. It's not about you," Buffy soothed.
Incorrectly. Willow rolled to her side, knees to chest, fresh sobs beginning. "But shouldn't it be? Buffy, shouldn't it be somewhat about me? I mean, I know I'm not perfect and I made mistakes as a girlfriend, but shouldn't I be involved in this decision? It affects me, too. He said… He said his whole life he'd never loved anything else."
Buffy felt tears trickling down her cheeks, for her and for Willow. "I know what that's like." Angel's voice, trembling in sobs he wouldn't release, telling her that in his whole life and unlife, he'd only ever loved her. He'd always love her. And they wouldn't be together.
"Did he say when he'd be back?" Xander stood awkwardly, watching the two strongest women in the universe (in his opinion), who were also his best friends, crying over men. His fists itched to punch both of the absent lovers, even though he sincerely had come to like Oz and distantly tolerate Angel when he was in possession of his soul.
"He said he didn't know if he ever -" Willow's words were cut off by a wet, shaking breath. "He wanted to be away from people. Where he couldn't be a threat. And I told him- people are everywhere. I don't know how far he'll go, or how long he'll think is long enough. All I know is- he's not going to be with me."
Buffy shook her head, uncomprehending this sudden shift in Oz's attitude, his betrayal of Willow. "He's not a threat here! We have a place for him to chill when he's all wolfed-out."
"I know! So it doesn't make sense! I mean, it doesn't have to make sense to me, but it should make some kind of sense to me, shouldn't it? Since to go take care of himself he had to hurt me so much?" Willow asked beseechingly. Buffy and Xander had no answer for the heartbroken redhead who dissolved into tears once more.
"For the record, I did way better comforting last night." Xander plopped down on the vacant bed with a groan. "I'm striking out royally. And, I have work. But, I could call off, I-"
"No, you go!" Willow shook her head and waved weakly. "It's fine. I mean, obviously, I'm fine, right? Why else would Oz think I wouldn't need him around? I'm living just fine with half my heart missing!"
"Willow-" Buffy tried to stem the torrent of angry, tearful words, but she failed.
"Because I'm totally fine to come home and find a vampire in my dorm room and then passing out and getting hit by a truck!"
"Technically, Spike got hit by the truck," Buffy pointed out tentatively.
"Spike was in your dorm room? That means he can come in at any time!" Xander looked at her, aghast.
"He's not hurting anyone! He's saving people!"
"I know women aren't supposed to want men to save them, but this is a Hellmouth and I liked having a partner in the saving! My Oz partner." Willow whimpered. "My mom will gloat. She'll say this is the wake up call I needed to escape from patriarchal stereotypes in relationships. She'll say this proves musicians aren't suitable."
Buffy hesitated, but Xander did not. "Okay, Will, that's acting like your mom would give two rats' asses about anything in your life. Which we both know, she doesn't. As long as you look perfect on paper, which you do, 'cause you are, then she's fine. It's kind of the exact opposite with my parents. As long as they assume I'm failing utterly, they're happy. They don't have to use brain cells to store new information about my actual successes, of which there are precious few."
"I don't know how to do this," Willow let out a particularly poignant gasping sob, wet eyes turning to Buffy. "It hurts so much and the only one I think would get it is Oz. And he's gone. I can't talk to him."
"No, Will, listen. You can always talk to us. Right?" Buffy elbowed Xander as they clustered around Willow in a supportive sandwich.
"All the time," Xander said. "Except I need to go to work in about half an hour…"
"I know what it's like to want to reach for the one person who hurt you. Sometimes, I still want Angel to come in and wrap his arms around me, tell me we can fight it together." Buffy's voice drifted. "But that's a fairytale. I thought that was the way it should be- and it isn't. Angel was the one who told me that. Love isn't a fairytale. I have to give him credit. He was right."
It was Willow's turn to give Xander a significant glance, raising her head slightly. "Buff?" Xander lightly touched her shoulder. "You miss Angel that much?"
"Well, I miss him. I know he's not coming back, but-"
"Is that why you want Spike around?" Xander asked in a rush.
"Huh? They're nothing alike! This isn't about me! This is about Willow. I wasn't trying to shift attention to my problems, guys, honestly. Willow, you get that, right? I was just trying to say I understand how it feels to still want the person who caused the pain."
"And maybe it's confusing, how this feels. With missing Angel. And now having Spike around. All we're wondering is if you really are seeing Spike for Spike. Not a vampire substitute."
Buffy felt rage well up in her. "How dare you-" It extinguished. Xander looked tight and tense. Willow looked beaten and heartbroken. "I don't want to do this now."
"I'm wondering, too," Willow wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "Buffy, I really am grateful, in a strange and unsettling way, to Spike. He saved my life. He saved your life. But with all he's done, how can you want him in your life, even as a friend?"
Before Buffy could explain, Xander spoke up, lifting his hands in surrender, eyes closed as he waited for the onslaught of righteous indignation that would surely meet his words, "Friends, right. For now. But he'll want it to be something more. He can't leave you alone, Buffy."
Buffy hesitated. Lying wastes time. Lying hurts us more later. Don't I know it… "Maybe I don't want him to leave me alone."
Xander stared. "Of all the answers I was expecting, that was not on the list. Not even remotely."
Willow was relieved for a break in the constant loop in her head, the bitter, heartbreaking replay of Oz abandoning her, even if some might say it was for the most noble of causes. "I'm not saying I one hundred percent hate Spike right now. I'm kind of with the grateful. Being alive and not in a wheelchair. Or coma. And he didn't have to help me. But even with that, I'm still remembering everything that happened in junior year, Buffy. He killed people we knew. Not closely, but still. He hurt Angel. He hurt us. I think one of the scariest times in my whole life was when he had Xander and me in the factory basement," Willow did a sudden dry heaving sound, and Xander glared at Buffy. She moved closer to Willow on the bed. "And I've been in some mortally scary situations!"
"I know, Will," Buffy winced. Guilt gnawed. It was a very familiar sensation. She was getting pretty damn tired of it.
"I don't understand how you can want him in your life after that, that's all. Like, as a friend, a close friend. Even if he's changed for real, I-"
"Stop." Buffy held up her hand, jaw flexing, eyes brimming. "I'm sorry if you don't see it. I can't explain it better." She took Willow's hand, then Xander's. "Maybe you shouldn't have to explain why you're friends with people. I mean...I've been bad. Xander, not to bring up icky memories, but there have been times when-"
"Those things can't outweigh the amount of awesome that is Buffy. Or the Scoobies!" Willow yelped.
"We're human. We make mistakes, and some stuff, such as being possessed by a hyena spirit demon, are not our faults."
"Getting bitten wasn't his fault. I'm not saying that I'm pro-vamp. They choose to kill. But they don't have to choose to change, and Spike did."
"I wasn't-"
"Wait," Buffy swallowed painfully. "Do you remember when it snowed last Christmas?"
"Uhhh, yes?" Xander asked in a bewildered voice.
"The First Evil was plaguing Angel, you know that. It connected us, our dreams, so that he'd want to hurt me, so that I'd be happy if he died, after seeing the worst things he'd done. I could see what he'd done in the past. He was… a truly terrible demon. We know that. It's no secret."
"Spike's not on the same level as Angelus, I get that. To be fair, I think very few evils in the world could live up to that sick, twisted -"
"Not the point!" Buffy growled and flashed Willow a smile when she not-so-discreetly kicked Xander's shin with the "shut up!" face. "As bad as he was in the past… as bad as he was to me… You know what he did to me. But you can't understand how horrible he made me feel. You can't, because so far you haven't had to kill someone you loved and trusted with all of yourself." She shuddered. "Even then, I couldn't wish him dead. He wanted me to, I wanted to. Couldn't manage it."
"He was a good guy. When he wasn't evil," Willow consoled.
"Spike's not a 'good guy'. I guess if vampires are evil, then he'll always be evil. But, Spike never broke my heart. Never inflicted anywhere near the level of pain Angel inflicted for the mere pleasure of seeing just how much he could make it hurt, for hurting hearts and breaking them. Spike always had a purpose, you know that? Okay, to be a jerky, braggy idiot with a reputation for killing slayers is one thing, but the rest. He did what he did to heal Drusilla, to get her back, to trade for her life, to save her life…A lot of the stuff that was the worst, he did for the best reason. He loved someone. Even if it's a really messed up kind of love." Buffy hesitated. I don't think it was that messed up. It was their normal. It was faithful, on his part. It was made with two scary, messed up people. But it was still love. "I don't think I'll ever stop loving Angel," Buffy whispered slowly.
Xander looked panicked. "You don't have to love Spike instead!"
Buffy smiled slightly and nodded. "I know that. I don't love him. But… I like him, Xander. I actually have grown to. You can hate him if you want. You hated Angel when I loved him. If you hate Spike when I like him…" Her smile shrank. "I'll still be your friend. If you won't be mine-"
"Buff, that's crazy talk!"
"You probably think I'm crazy."
"Yeah, but in a Hellmouth-y-savior sort of way. You really- I mean, he doesn't even have a soul."
"Nope. Humans do. Humans can be jerks. Demons can try to be good. Anya has a soul, Xander. Is she plagued with guilt for all the stuff she did?
Willow spoke up with a scoffing sound, "No! She would wear a t-shirt that said One Million Served at McVengeance's.' Y'know, if it wouldn't attract the bad kind of attention.'
"Werewolves have demons in them. They're only brought out by the moon. I know Oz is being stupid right now, but we don't hate him. Completely," Buffy offered
"This is different. Spike actively killed people, like two weeks ago.
"About three and a half," Buffy sheepishly corrected, wincing again. "That's a big deal- but there's another big deal, too, whatever happens next. The only reason he wanted to stop was because he wanted to change. Do you know what that means?" Buffy paused. "Angel told me he was weak. He had no control over his demon, no restraint, only drawing out the pain. Spike chose to stop. He didn't have a threat. He didn't have a soul. He didn't have someone good loving him and begging him to try to change or come back to who he used to be. He wasn't getting anything out of me, Xander. He wanted to stop. To be a different person. Anya lost her power. Angel got cursed with a soul."
"I trust those things more! They're harder to flip on and off. Spike changed 'cause he wanted to. What's going to happen when he doesn't want to?
Buffy couldn't tell him that they'd promised. It was a private, intimate promise. That they wouldn't "flip" because no one got hurt again. "Then I get hurt again, Xander. I guess I'll always get hurt when friends and lovers betray me-
He looked panicked, "Wait, there's lovering now?"
"No, I'm grouping stuff together," Buffy answered honestly. "Angel, Parker, Faith, Cordelia, Mom, Giles- even you guys sometimes. When we change and shut each other out, betray the promises we made, duh, it hurts! God, Xander, what do you want me to do? Dislike him for being good? Tell him 'No, you can't even try to be something better than you are, you're doomed to be evil and murder-y, sorry?'"
Willow put on a mopey version of her resolve face. "That would be hypocritical, Xander. For all of us. We've all tried to change and be better than we were."
Xander looking hard at her, collecting himself. "I don't have to like this."
"No." Buffy let out a resigned sigh.
"But… I like the points you made. Okay? I like what you said. No way in hell do I want murdering, kidnapping, factory-basement Spike to ever return. I'm just scared of him changing to something evil- uh- not even changing, just going back to how he was- after you get to feeling safe around him. Like you did with Angel. If that makes me a coward, then a coward be I."
"And if Anya got another power center stone thingy?"
Silence.
"You know, he didn't switch sides for over a hundred something long years," Willow said musingly.
"Yeah, he'll hit a bicentennial any minute now." Buffy shrugged. "Been there, done that, over the freaking."
Willow shook her head as she reclined once again, thoughts of another person, a person she'd come to think as solid, stoic, and unchanging, clouding her mind. "No, no, this is a good thing! He doesn't seem um- fickle. It took him a long time to want to change and now maybe he'll stay that way for another couple centuries. Especially if he has someone he -well, he loved Drusilla and he doesn't love Buffy, but he likes Buffy and Buffy likes him - but not exactly like-"
"Willow, stop. We get it. If Spike and I are friends, that's a good motivation for him to stay the way he is now. But guys- he changed before I was his friend. He changed, and then I could see- what a good friend he might turn out to be. You don't have to believe me. But I don't turn my back on friends." She and Xander locked eyes. "See what I did there?"
"I see what you did there. He's not going to like- hang out all the time, is he?"
"Nope. Sometimes. He's- weirdly enough, pretty good at respecting the normal girl side who likes muffins and ballet."
"You talked about ballet? There's ballet? Ballet in connection with Spike just- my mind is past blown."
"Can we get back to chocolate? I've been accelerated into emotional eating by intense contemplation of love, friendship, and changes thereof. I want cookies." Willow whimpered.
"Cookies you shall have. I'll be speedy slayer, back with cookies and then into psych class. You want me to explain to Professor Walsh that you're sick?"
"Cough, cough," Willow said pointedly.
"One flu-ridden roomie in need of cookies. Got it."
Xander and Buffy walked down the stairs. "I can't believe he left. I can believe he went to find a cure, but- but that's what Scoobies do! We find cures. We do research and slaying."
"I can't believe it, either. Not after he got back together with her during senior year. Like, if you can forgive one huge mistake and realize what you've got, wouldn't you hold onto it?" Xander threw out his arms in frustration.
Buffy knew he meant Oz. Yet it was funny how different situations, different words kept stubbornly horning in and trying to apply themselves to her current friendship with Spike. Forgive one huge mistake… realize what you've got… hold onto it. "Yeah," Buffy shook her head wonderingly. Then she snapped back to the "It must be something he just can't let us help with. I guess it's pretty personal. The demon is in him. And if other werewolves are out there- well, I mean, we know they aren't all the self-restraint guys like Oz. If he feels like they could be trying to get at him, if they could somehow corrupt him when he's not in full control… We can't help with that."
"I guess."
She turned to him as they exited the dorm, pausing at the sidewalk. "But that doesn't mean you have to end it. You don't have to break hearts to heal yourself."
"That old 'cruel to be kind' thing- not so much." Xander suddenly gripped her elbow. "If I were dating Drusilla, you'd be worried, right?"
Buffy's eyes threatened to pop. "She's completely not a one-man woman. And she's insane. Violently insane!"
He gave a strained laugh. "See, with me, the first reason I wanted to yell out was 'She's a vampire!' But you… species isn't the primary consideration."
"You make me sound like I want to date cats or something," Buffy complained.
"I worry about you. And at the same time, I admire you. The heck out of you. You really do see people for who they are, not what they are. You liked me, of the dweeby loser species. And Willow of the nerdy bookworm species."
"Come on. People are just people, I-"
"Tell that to the jungle that is high school. You were an A-Lister."
"Past-tense. Slaying tends to move you into the freaky loner territory. Also, you were not a loser. Not dweeby. Just… not smooth. And I also am not. So much with the smoothness. I am wigged that I like to hang out with Spike, okay? I am! But I'm not really good at lying to myself. I tried it a LOT."
"Buffy! Chill! Ranting in broad daylight. Not good for the smooth," Xander pressed his hands gently to her shoulders.
"He's… worth giving a chance. If you see him sliding and you see me letting it go, like I did when Angel turned- you tell me. You make me listen."
He blinked. "But um- we tried that. Last time. With Angel? Fighting happened? Prolonged glaring, icy silences?"
"If I can give Spike a second chance, I can give you a lot more. I can also hope you'll give me one. This time, I'm not lying to my friends. I'm not blind. Maybe my vision doesn't match most people's, but I'm not refusing-to-see gal. But you- you can't tell me not to try. You just have to tell me if you see me messing up. And- to be clear, giving Spike who saved my life and saved Willow's life a chance to be friends doesn't count as a mess up."
They locked eyes. "I promise I'll tell you if I see anything you're missing."
"And not hate me?"
"I promise that times infinity."
She found herself hugging him hard, hearing him gasp and feeling him flail into hugging him back. "Willow needs me to be focused on helping her. I've been in the sudden heartbreak sitch. I'll go do cookies and excuse making. Have a great day at work, don't drop any power tools, okay?"
"Same! Slay those books. Save me cookies."
"That's up to the phenomenon that is break up eating."
She turned right, he walked straight. And then he walked back. "What?"
"I see something," Xander let out a huge sigh and spoke grudgingly. "He doesn't make you act like Angel did. Like it was all life and death, 'my big love is fated and cursed and I hurt all the time.' I like that. I know you guys aren't in the same category. You're not, right?"
"Right," Buffy nodded.
"You hurt last year. And I couldn't fix it. You were -not to make you hate my guts- but you were obsessed with him sometimes, and I couldn't help that, even though I knew it was going to hurt more. With Spike, you seem… this is very weird to say, but healthier. I kinda wanna vomit."
"That's so funny. Not the vomiting part. Spike and I said the same thing, that we think we're not better, 'cause wow are we non-mixy things, but we are way healthier than him and Dru or me and Angel. It's mega weird."
"A- to the- men. But- I like when my best friend isn't miserable and shutting us out. Or lying. Or sneaking. There's a list of things I don't like, and I like that you're not doing them."
Buffy's conscience nagged her. She hadn't told him where she spent the night. But she didn't have to give him every detail. Telling him that she'd been hanging out and wanted Spike around would be enough for now. Still… "I don't have to tell you every little detail, do I?"
"I'd prefer that you didn't," Xander requested, looking a little bit sickened.
"You trust me?"
"With my life. And my best friends' lives- which in case you haven't been following along means yours and Willow's."
"I trust you, too."
"Don't mess up."
"I won't, if you won't."
They parted ways again, both feeling oddly relieved and oddly burdened at the same time.
This is not exactly comfortable.
I will never like Spike. Xander got in his truck.
He'll never like Spike. Buffy fished her UC Sunnydale dining card from her wallet.
But I'll always love Buffy. He put the keys in the ignition.
But he'll always love me. She smiled
Buffy stood in line at the campus cafeteria, her tray loaded with breakfast for one and cookies for three, thinking about the two awesome people she'd just left, and one she'd left a bit before. All three that she'd come back to, all three who would be waiting for her as well. Spike… I care about him. And he cares about me. I don't have to do the "him or them" thing.
This isn't comfortable. But it's a pretty good start.
To be continued...
In Spuffy-related news... The Spuffy novel CrossRealms: Shattered by S.C. Principale is free if you have Kindle Unlimited, or pretty cheap if you don't, lol. Happy beach reading (or maybe room-with-locked-door reading, it's super smutty...)