Friends (Or More)
By Sweetprincipale
Part X
Author's Note: Peter Frampton's Baby, I Love Your Way is used. I recommend listening to it during the pertinent scene.
Willow opened her door. A puzzled looking girl from the campus wicca group, Daughters of Gaia, was standing with her fist poised to knock. Buffy was dead to the world, sleeping halfway on top of the covers in her pink sushi jammies.
"Hi?" Willow asked surprised.
"H-hi," the girl stammered uncertainly. "I n-noticed you stopped coming to the meeting for a couple of weeks and I w-was worried that you dropped out. I was h-hoping you wouldn't quit the group."
"Oh." Willow looked startled. Her broken heart stirred slightly with interest in her newest favorite subject- magic and witchcraft. "Well… no offense, but I think I'm not really cut out for it."
Tara's face fell. "I understand. S-sorry to-"
"I feel like they just talk about blessings and moons and periods. When I asked about spells, they acted like I was disrespecting wiccan arts, when they- they're the ones who-"
"-have no idea what being a true wicca even is?" Tara finished quietly, her eyes lowered, but peeping up through an ash-blonde sweep of hair and shy eyelashes.
"Right," Willow said slowly, a look of realization dawning on her face. "But, you?"
"I- I thought maybe you'd like to practice some spells sometime? I used to practice with my mother and grandmother, but they both passed."
"I would love to!"
Buffy sat up with a snorted "Huh? What? Oh. Hi, person in my room." She'd been startled awake by a tone of voice she hadn't heard in weeks. Perky Willow. Interested Willow. "Living again" Willow. "Healing heart" Willow. Whoever this person is has to stay here, Buffy thought groggily.
"I'm Tara. Tara Maclay, I- I'm sorry I know it's early. I shouldn't have come over, but I woke up thinking about you and I-" she stopped, looking embarrassed. "Th-that sounds weird, doesn't it?"
"It sounds great!" Buffy bounced out of bed. She could only think of one person as well. Spike. Spike, her more than a friend, her sweetheart, guy she needed to talk to ASAP. "You guys stay, chat, mi dorm es su dorm. I have to grab a shower and then I have stuff to do."
"Tara's from the wicca group on campus. But like- an actual wicca."
"Ooh, a spell buddy?" Buffy grinned.
"Yes!" Willow's eyes lit up. "I could so use a spell buddy," she exclaimed, smiling at Tara.
Xander had not had a pleasant evening. He had come home late, as he had for several nights, taking shifts of "Willow watching." This time, he was confronted by an irritable Anya sitting on his basement bed, pouting and scowling by turns.
"Is this the part where you make excuses about how you don't have any penis-feelings for her, but you just need to be a good friend?" she harped.
"One- that is an emotional term I never want you to use, ever." He shuddered. "And I do need to be a good friend! For the past decade and a half, Willow and I have done the big comforting, Ahn. And Buffy got added into the mix, and that means you should be grateful, because instead of it being just me and Will, there's someone else to care about us!"
"What about me? What am I? I care about you! I care about her! Well, I could try harder, but- I would! I don't want bad things to happen to your friends." Anya's anger masked a shriveled feeling inside. I want them to be my friends, too. I want to be special. I want to be first in someone's heart. Tied for first is okay, as long as we're talking about different categories.
"Well, maybe there are some trust issues to work out. You did try to trick Willow into doing a spell that made her vampire double come back to this reality, and you bailed on us during the near-death experience of the mayor's ascension during graduation."
"Are you throwing that in my face?"
"No! Yes- but not for me. I get it. Mistakes happen, people change, we move on- ugh." The thought of Buffy moving on to Spike was sickening, and then he had to admit that his choice of lover was not exactly better.
"Now you're thinking about Buffy! Buffy and Spike! You're not even thinking about me!"
"I am!"
"You're not!"
"You don't know what's in my head!"
"I don't know what's in your heart, either! You spend all your time with them or working. I'm- I'm fading out of your life and I- I-" Anya refused to say that she loved him. Because he didn't love her back. And she wouldn't repeat mistakes of a thousand years ago.
"Anya, it's late, I'm tired, and I have work in the morning at the first job I've ever been good at and think I can keep. Why don't we talk about this later?" Xander did the only thing he could think of. Avoid. Something bad was going to happen. He was going to get asked to choose between his best friend and his girlfriend. When he said no, Anya would leave him. His heart crumbled. Choice by default. But he wouldn't be the one to make it. He wouldn't give her up.
He'd never had anyone like Anya in his life before. Cordelia had been all about secrets and barbs, attraction and passion and when it got real- he screwed up. With Willow. He was about to screw up again, with Willow, in a whole new way.
"You take the bed," he said shortly, and pulled his musty smelling sleeping bag out of the closet and spread it on the concrete floor.
"You're being chivalrous," Anya stated.
"Yeah, I'm a great guy," he muttered sarcastically under his breath. Why can't I ever get this right? Why do I have a thing for selfish women? Or demons?
Why can't I get this right? Anya curled into a little ball under sheets that smelled like him. She loved him so much. Not like anyone else, ever. Why wasn't she enough? Why, when she showed her love by always wanting him and being around him, being there for him, did he push her away and run to another woman who didn't even want him as a boyfriend? Or maybe she did. She wiped at her eyes and bit her lip. No man was going to make her cry. Not again. She briefly wished for her powers back, but then realized it wouldn't really help. She loved him. She couldn't hurt him, even if she was hurting.
Xander sat up with a prickling feeling of panic. What was it? Was something important about to be lost? Missed? Late for, maybe? "Work!"
"Where?" Anya also sat up with a gasp.
Xander turned to her, and the horrified expression melted off his face, replaced by sheer happiness. "Ahn! You stayed."
Anger and anxiety from last night's troubled dream faded. "Of course I did. I want to be with you."
"I want to be with you. I love- being with you," he stumbled over a near admission. "Anya, Willow and Buffy are my best friends, but they're not my girlfriends. There's only room for one. I'm dumb and I do dumb things, but - I'm good at one thing."
"You certainly are." Anya looked at him with a mixture of sudden affection and lust.
"No. I mean- yeah, that, too. I'm good at being there. I show up, even if I screw up. I know I'm probably screwing up being a boyfriend while trying to be a good friend, but I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. Stay with me. Show up with me and help me balance stuff. But I can't give them up." I see what I have in her. Something too good to lose. I just can't lose my friends, either.
"I don't want you to give them up. I just want to be important. I want to be equally important in different ways," Anya explained, perching on the edge of the bed. He sat down next to her, working his hand between hers as they clasped anxiously. "I don't want to be selfish, I just want… to be loved by someone who thinks I'm worth loving. Me. Just me, no other wenches. Women."
"I'm a one-wench man. I screwed that up once, but I won't again. You make me crazy and happy. Crazy-happy. The things that you do that I don't get- I still wouldn't change, because then you wouldn't be the person I love."
Wide eyes in his suddenly pale face met her joyous ones, suddenly pink-rimmed and blinking back tears. "Love me? You do?"
I have to tell her. I have to tell her now that I know what I've got right in front of me. "I love you. Yeah, I do."
"I love you, too!" Anya leaped on top of him, hips scooting up purposefully and hands pulling at the waistband of the lounge pants he'd worn to bed.
He let her, cupping her rear, then his hands slid up her back to reach her short, sleep-ruffled hair. "I'm an idiot. I should have explained this all before. Why could I only figure out how to tell you this today?"
"I don't know. You're not an idiot. You're afraid of getting hurt by losing important people. I understand… it's just that I only have one important person. You. I don't- I don't have anyone else, so I'm clingy, which I have read males dislike."
She has no one. Like, really. Why hadn't that struck him before? "You have me and you have Buffy, Willow, and Giles. The more you're around them, the more you'll feel like you have people in this place. And if not- well, you do have me. A loser like me."
"No. Not a loser. You're a good guy and good friend and a good boyfriend, and a sex god. See? Is it any wonder I'm 'clingy'? Who'd want to give up that?"
He felt her words sink into him in ways that infrequent praises hadn't before. She means it. No barbs or mocking waiting. Anya may be a little quirky in how she says things, but above all she's honest. She honestly believes everything she just said about me. He felt- important, something that was usually fleeting. "And you are a good woman and a great friend and great girlfriend and a sex goddess."
Anya gave him a sly smile as she leaned forward. "Let's hurry up and live up to our deification, then, okay?"
Buffy watched as Willow and Tara sat, leaning toward each other, talking animatedly, smiling, laughing. Buffy was totally excluded from the conversation, by default of having no idea what they were talking about, but she didn't care. Willow was smiling. "Hey, not to interrupt, but I'm going to head to class, if you're okay?"
"We've been s-so rude." Tara bit her lip.
"No! "Buffy protested instantly. "Not rude, in no way rude. Tara, it was great to meet you. I hope you'll be around later."
"Yeah! I have class until four, but then we could try that harmonizing spell?" Willow's bright eyes fastened on Tara.
"S-sure, if you want me to come over. Or you could come to my room. I don't have a roommate. Oh, not that you w-wouldn't be welcome," Tara's happy expression became anxious once again as she awkwardly invited Buffy.
"I think I'll go hang out with Spike after classes. Have fun with the wicca stuff," Buffy said sincerely. She hugged Willow and waved goodbye to Tara.
As she walked to class, she had the realization that she really didn't want to go to class, but not in the typical "I don't really know how the biology assignment of mapping punnett squares is going to be useful in my slaying-career" sort of way. She wanted to be with Spike. Like, right now. And tell him that she realized stuff. That he had changed and she had changed, and they could build their own kind of normal and she wouldn't leave and didn't want him to- and - hey. Hey, he knows that. For once in my life, I told a guy everything up front, and he didn't use it to screw me over.
I didn't tell him one thing.
I don't know why it seemed so scary last night, and today it seems just perfect.
I'm in love with Spike. I can't wait to tell him.
"Fancy seeing you here today," Giles spoke, his soft, precise voice more relaxed than usual.
"I normally wait until lunch, but for some reason, I felt like I absolutely couldn't wait to get coffee."
"Allow me. Two, please." Giles held out money to the clerk at the Espresso Pump and shared a strained yet sweet smile with Joyce Summers.
"I never see you here during the day." Joyce tried to make conversation. Something was pushing at her mind, like that annoying feeling when you've forgotten something you knew you had to do. Something important, a big task left unfinished.
"Ah- I- I was actually heading to your gallery," Giles confessed. When he'd woken up that morning, he had been in the throes of a very intense dream. A satisfying one. He was listening to Cream at one of the pubs he used to frequent in his youth, and a woman with her hair arranged just enough to hide her face had sat down beside him. They were laughing and drinking, soon dancing, soon pressed together in an unlit corner- which gave way. He fell from a world of dark, smoky pubs into a very well-appointed gallery, now in crisp tweeds, and the woman was still there. She had arranged her hair in a more demure fashion. She looked up at him as she consulted an auction catalog.
The woman was Joyce Summers.
"Oh? A new art piece for your living room? It's not about Buffy, is it? It probably is, of course." Joyce's face took on worried lines at once, her words bringing him back to the present.
"No! Or, not entirely. Sit?" Giles gestured to two high stools across from each other. Joyce sat, coffee primly perched on her knee as she eyed him with grave concern.
"What is it?"
"I- I suddenly had this feeling that I needed to talk with you. To clear the air, as it were."
"Oh?" The nagging sensation grew stronger.
"The night that we ate that candy-" he hesitated as Joyce looked down sharply, cheeks darkening. "I should have called you the next day, o-or the next week. I should have called at some point, instead of acting like nothing happened. We didn't get on when we were both trying to 'manage' Buffy. I let that stop me from telling you that I had a wonderful time with you."
Joyce gave him a startled smile. "Well- I - it wasn't my usual evening out, I'll admit."
He blurred over the images of writhing figures in faux teenage lust. "I liked talking to you. Laughing with you. We got on as teens stuck in these adult bodies."
"We did, didn't we?"
"And it seemed terribly silly to me today that we haven't gotten on well as adults. You love art. So do I. I worked in a museum, you run a gallery. You love Buffy and so do I. I would do anything to help her and so would you. We've had disagreements in the past-"
"But that doesn't help us in the future? Worrying about the past?" The heavy fog in her brain was suddenly lifting. I was supposed to talk to him today. I wanted to talk to him. What was it I wanted to say?
"We could talk, perhaps? Sometimes?"
"We could go to lunch. Oh, it's barely ten, I -"
"We could go to brunch?"
"In the middle of the week? In the middle of the work day?"
"Too frivolous?"
"Maybe a tiny bit more like Ripper than Rupert," Joyce murmured into her cup, eyes dancing with sudden playfulness.
He found a smirk on his lips before he could stop it. "I believe you enjoyed Ripper's company. Maybe you'd enjoy mine?"
"Aren't you the same person?"
"Joycie and Joyce?"
"Well… one of us knows better than to do private things in public, but…"
They laughed together, low and warm. Giles let out a sigh. "I need a friend again. A real one, an adult one, who still hasn't lost that - that youthful side."
"So do I."
"Brunch?"
"Let's."
He woke up mid-day, restless and grumbling. Soddin' daylight. Not that he couldn't get about in it, the trouble was not knowing where to go to find her, where to meet her.
Love's bitch, that's me.
Have to tell her. Have to risk it. She won't leave. But I've got to tell her now, as soon as I know, not make her wait. All the rest, they made her wait or they told her lies.
I'm evil but honest.
I'm not even particularly evil these days.
He paced angrily. His bones felt 99% better, with only a tiny bit of stiffness in his gait that was caused by a combination of healing fractures and snug trousers.
I'm in love with her. I have been, even before I admitted it. I was in love with the idea of her, then for her, the love of loyalty and friendship and goodness. Now, I know her more, tasted her, and I'm in love with her.
He swallowed and swung himself up the ladder determinedly. Too soon, too soon, too soon, idiot, bloody fool. His brain spat out warnings on each rung.
He told them to bugger off. If I tell her and it's too soon for her to give it back, that's okay. She won't leave. Won't push away. She'll know that my love is there, waiting to catch her. It won't disappear.
Safe.
He wrapped his coat, still torn in a few places after the incident with the truck, around his body and up over his face. Still too bright to risk more than a quick run.
The car. The car was a dead give away. He'd park it on campus. How to make sure she'd see it?
Make it obvious. Right in front of her.
Buffy filled out the squares in front of her. She was supposed to be filling it out with genotypes and phenotypes based on her parents. The other option, the professor said with a ghost of a smile, was to complete it as if she were one of the parents whose genes would be used.
Spike's blue eyes. Dark hair. My green. My dark. Yeah, no bleach in our DNA.
We can't have babies.
Who cares? Just for fun, let's see…
"Ms. Summers, your allelles are not listed correctly. First, you need to determine the- oh. So blue and green, hm? No chance of a brown-eyed baby here."
"What was that about my allelles?" Buffy blushed.
The answer was cut short by a sudden blaring of ungodly loud music from outside the building, loud enough that even inside, students jumped and the professor stormed out of the room.
Buffy's instincts told her to follow trouble. On a Hellmouth, trouble wasn't usually a jerk with a loud radio, but- the music screeched static and whirled between stations, blaring rock, punk rock, classical- "What's going on?" Buffy went to the classroom window.
"There's a car in the middle of the green," someone stated the obvious.
Buffy instantly recognized said vehicle. "He's going to get himself roasted," Buffy groaned under her breath. She grabbed her book and bag and raced from the room, an irrepressible smile forming under her moment of irritation.
Campus security was rolling up. Students were backing away from the strange, painted-out car. Buffy ran past a throng of milling people, elbowing Parker Abrams in passing without even realizing it.
"Oh my God, Spike…" she muttered, but her lips twitched and grew into smile.
Spike saw her approaching through the tiny patch of windshield he left clear. He modulated the volume on the radio to a dull roar as something suitably sweet came on.
Shadows grow so long before my eyes
And they're moving across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away from the city …
but don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait
He popped the passenger side handle and cowered back from the sun as she slid in, and they made a roaring getaway, churning up the grass with tire marks.
"Spike!" Her voice was exasperated and affectionate. "You were two minutes away from being attacked by angry campus cops and hauled out into the daylight."
"Well-" He wanted this moment to be perfect. But he couldn't wait to tell her. Hence the attention-grabbing entrance. Showin' off for the girl. Make a fool of himself for her. 'Cause no one else had. They made a fool of her. Not him, never his style. Anyway, the spontaneous decision to surprise her now led to some spectacularly reckless grandprix-style driving, delaying his answer.
Ooh baby, I love your way every day
Want to tell you I love your way every day
Want to be with you night and day
Her eyes widened as he lifted his sunglasses and looked at her as he careened into an alleyway off campus. Throwing the car into park, he suddenly smiled, a cross between flustered and certain.
"I had to tell you somethin'. Couldn't wait. Thought girls liked when their boyfriends showed up and made one hell of a fuss for 'em."
"Like flowers delivered to you in class and big balloon bouquets saying 'Will you go to homecoming with me', yeah."
"Oh."
"Or the equivalent of badass getaway from biology class."
"Sod, biology? We studied for that!"
"Apparently, I need more help, my squares still don't have the right- somethings. What couldn't wait?" Buffy scooted closer to him, breath quickening. Was it the same thing she couldn't wait to share?
Moon appears to shine and light the sky
With the help of some fireflies
I wonder how they have the power shine
I can see them under the pines
But don't hesitate '
cause your love won't wait
"I know it's fast to say, Slayer. But I'm really not so much of a fool for love anymore. Gonna be smart about it. Thought I'd better tell my girl what I know. So she knows, too."
"Really?" Buffy's heart hammered and a grin threatened to burst her cheeks. "I had that same exact thought. About how I really do have a good thing with you. How you're really good for me and- and I want to be good to you and… I thought I was going to die waiting for a break in my schedule to come tell you," Buffy concluded in a rush, finding herself sliding into his arms, straddling his lap as he beamed up at her.
This is it. This giddy, crazy in love stuff. Where you smile at each other and can't stop, and you'd be perfectly happy to make out in a hot car in an alley because you love him. I love him.
"I love you," she whispered.
He looked stunned. Then, relieved. "I love you! I came over to —" Any further explanations were cut off with a smothering kiss.
"Best. Boyfriend. Ever. Sweetheart." Buffy punctuated words with kisses, which he returned, squirming under her. This time, she found herself squirming back, grinding down. He hissed in pleasure and sucked her lips between his own before moving down her jaw and neck. "You- really don't mind when I call you that?" she panted.
"Love it, love you, Sweetheart." Oh, hell. What are we doing? She's so warm. Wet, isn't she? He suddenly pressed his hand low, the button of her jeans under his thumb. He heard her gasp, but he wasn't rushing her, rushing this. For one thing, he had a bad feeling that sex with her in this car, in daylight anyway, might lead to his death as he kicked out a window from wrapping her around him. "Just feeling how warm you are. That's my young lady. Always warm-hearted."
She smiled against his forehead as his tongue toured around her sensitive pulsepoint. "Young lady?"
He pulled back and smiled up at her. "That's right. In my time, you would have called me your young man, not boyfriend. You would have been my young lady."
"Now it just sounds like you're scolding someone."
Another shared chuckle, another prolonged kiss. Buffy broke it, leaning back. She loved him. She told him. Time to show him, right? That's how it was supposed to go. "I- uh- I should have worn a skirt so it would be easier, huh? I mean, not that I knew you were coming over. I was going to come over and tell you as soon as sociology was over. I wouldn't have worn a skirt then, either, but at least at your place we-"
"Buffy, wait." Spike gabbed her hands. "I said I love you. I didn't say it to get you to-"
"No, I know that!" Buffy's cheeks flamed and her head fell. He doesn't want to? Yes, he does. So why-
"Oi, Slayer, look at me. I could swear to be a gentleman. You'd laugh your bloody head off, wouldn't you?" He gave her a crooked grin.
"I wouldn't- okay, maybe just a little laugh. A giggle," Buffy admitted, eyes finding his again.
"I don't think dinner equals 'dessert.' I can be happy with you bein' my girl, bein' in love with you. We can do the rest in a bit. But maybe not in my car? At least not in broad, potentially flammable daylight?"
"Good plan." Buffy's chest felt suddenly lighter, as if some heavy weight on her heart had been shed. "Man, I'm so glad I finally told you. As soon as I woke up, I thought, if I don't tell him I realize what I've got -"
Spike spoke over her and finished her sentences with a suddenly suspicious gleam in his eye,"-right in front of me-"
"I'm going to go crazy," Buffy concluded in a small, tight voice.
They regarded each other in silence for a moment.
"Hm."
"You thought the same thing?" Buffy asked hesitantly.
"To the letter."
"Oh. That seems... weird."
"An' a bit sudden for us once-bitten, twice-shy types."
"We have had moments before where we were in sync," Buffy reminded him.
"Like when we dance together."
"Yeah. Like that. Also, all things considered, we've gone a long way in a little time."
"Absolutely right." Spike patted her arm firmly, reassuringly.
She looked at him with worried eyes. "Still. Weird?"
"The exact same words, same day, soon as we woke up, yeah, bit odd."
"Do you think something could be making us say-"
"No." Spike knew he was going to have to bite the proverbial bullet. "Buffy, I wanted to tell you I loved you days ago. I just figured you'd tell me to piss off and get out of your town for it."
"What? No! I wouldn't do that. I told you, you're my friend, my more than a friend. I never want you to go. And- I wanted to tell you, too. Last night. Especially last night. I wanted to tell you a dozen times and I told myself to wait, because that's when it hurts. Then, this morning when I woke up, all I could think of was that I really ought to tell you. I've been honest with you this whole time. Seemed like keeping this from you was kinda silly," she concluded bashfully.
"Don't have to keep anything from me anymore, Luv. Rather you didn't."
"Same. Honesty for the win."
"Honesty for the win," he agreed, his demon sulking momentarily.
Then she leaned forward again, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Well… I know we don't want to risk flame-y Spike, but I have about an hour until my sociology class. Think this car can take a 'dry run' between two people in love?"
He jutted his hips into her and she ground own on him with a happy little moan.
"I think it's safe," he murmured, voice sliding down the octave.
Eyes fastened and held as his fists balled into the back of her shirt and she slid her hands under his lapels, finding notches and ridges of him with more possessiveness than she'd ever experienced.
Love him.
Safe with him.
Safe with me.
Safe to be in love.
"I promise. This time, it's safe."
To be continued...