Disclaimer: If I could pawn them, then this shall be mine! Till then… I… -sobs- I don't own it!
Notes: -- word – indicates flashback or memories.
Warning: Ah… same warning applies here. Enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
Who judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed the most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years.
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be the heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
--- "The Man in the Glass" by Dale Wimbrow ---
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sachiko's POV)
Everything ends when it is time to, but every end leads to a beginning.
Has it ended again?
I'm home. Back in this gigantic mansion which belongs more to the staff than the owners, to this empty shell of a house which outsiders proclaim it as mine. A place that could just barely be called a home. And as usual, silence ensues in everywhere I go, more so emphasizing that I was all alone today.
How have I managed to survive such silence and indifference for the whole of my life?
I walked down the empty corridor, heading for my room. Heading for the only place where I could really feel safe, where I could just flop down onto the bed and grind away every pretense and mask that I have to put on for the rest of the world. I could just drop all of my dignity and cry my heart out, instead of suppressing them in order to keep up with my reputation in the world. Yes… my room is the balm to soothe my wounds, wounds that continually haunt me like pestering ghosts, relieving my pain at times when I wasn't ready to taketheir assault…
Times that result in me doing something foolish…
-- flashback –
(8 years back…)
"Sa-chan! Sa-chan! Let's go out this Sunday! It's been a long time since we went out to have some fun."
"Etto… I'm not sure that I could go out this Sunday, Guru-kun. My mum hasn't allowed me to go out on Sundays lately. But I'll try my best to persuade her. I want to go out with you too! It's been boring staying at home daily during the summer for lessons."
I gave him a weak grimace, hoping not to dampen his spirits for the outing.
"Sa-chan… besides that, I got something for you too. Here you go."
I stood and stared at the dog-shaped wooden statue in my hand, it's design plain and simple but yet so exquisite at the same time.
I sensed him leaning closer to my ear, and he whispered to me.
"Happy Birthday, Sa-chan."
"Guru-kun… Thank you."
I graced him a smile, blushing as he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Warmth bubbled from somewhere within me, as I saw the gentle and loving look in his eyes before he kissed me. I felt safe in that moment, as if all the troubles I faced were all swallowed up by this warmth.
I think I fell in love with you from that moment on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(5 years later…)
I loved him. I loved his smile, his cheeky grins, his solemn face; he was everything to me. He was always there, and I could talk to him whenever I needed him to listen. It always seemed that he spent his extra time just being with me, comforting me and chasing away all the shadows that plagued me. Even protecting me from my own family at times.
Five years… It's been five years…
He wanted to meet me today. I wondered what he needs me for.
I saw him approaching me, and inviting me to take a walk down the pathway of the park that we were in.
"Sa-chan… I have something to tell you."
"What is it, Guru-kun?"
"I don't think you know yet, but our parents want us to marry after we graduate from highschool."
"What? Guru-kun, are you sure about it?"
I felt a surge of happiness rising within me, something which I couldn't explain well.
"It's positive, Sa-chan."
Guru-kun was going to marry me? Am I dreaming? Maybe this is a chance for me… for me to…… Maybe… I think…I should tell him now.
I took in a deep breath, and braced myself for what I was about to say.
"Guru-kun… I… I think I'm in love with you… So I wouldn't mind it if we were to marry… In fact, isn't it great that we can be together even after we've grown up?"
My heart skipped a few beats… I did it, I finally said it to him… after five years of trying to hide my attraction and love to him.
"I'm sorry to say this Sa-chan. But I beg to differ. I'm not suitable to be your husband… for I can never love you as a husband should do, both passionately and faithfully. I hate to say this to you, Sa-chan, but I have to make it clear now, before you get your hopes too high up for me. To me, this is just a marriage for convenience, a marriage to strengthen the ties between the Kashiwagi and Ogasawara businesses by reinforcing it by this method. I'm the only son while you're the only daughter, we don't have a choice. If we had a say in this, I would not approve of this. I'm sorry, but I have to disappoint your love for me. All I want four years later is for us to be able to live in co-operate harmony, and neither love nor hatred."
My world seemed to have crashed down hard upon me, with no knights in shining armor or giants with strong arms to lift it up for me. In that instant, I felt so alone, just with those words that he said.
"Why, Guru-kun? Why?"
"It's my problem really, but it seems that I hold no interest in girls. Including you. It isn't your fault, Sa-chan, you are one of the prettiest lady I've ever met, but it's just that I don't have the interest. I admit it, I'm more attracted to guys. I'm sure that I would continue having a relationship with them even after the marriage, so I wouldn't mind at all if you had a lover and bore him a child. After all, the child would be related by blood and I'm sure that no one minds it."
The longer he continued ranting, the more hopeless and defeated I felt. But somehow, his last words brought out my innermost fury at him.
…… And I just let it explode out of me.
!SLAP!
"Guru-kun, how could you say such a thing!"
I felt tears streaming down my face in torrents, like a cloud that broke under pressure of the rain droplets.
So totally alone. And for so long I thought that Guru-kun would take away this sense of loneliness. Was this all fake? A figment of my imagination?
How cruel. I'm only 14.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to cry.
Walk faster, Sachiko. You're reaching the room soon.
I wanted release from the chains that locked me up.
But was I the one who threw away the keys to the lock?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I chanced upon him in a cramped alleyway a week after that, as I was passing by in the car. The traffic stopped me long enough to get a look at him. He was joking with a guy with that look on his face. The look I saw him give me many times when we were still young and ignorant about the world. He was with the guy that I've seen him hang out with regularly.
He shifted his position.
His face was hidden from me from that new posture… but it was obvious that he was kissing that guy, with his hands were roaming all over the person's body.
I looked away, unable to stand the sight. The traffic moved on again, and I just felt that presence getting further and further away. All he said was true then…… But was it further encouraged by me slapping him?
I don't know, I would never know. For this was no longer the Guru-kun I knew. This was a new him, a side which I'd never seen before.
And he's called Suguru-san…… not Guru-kun.
I could feel whatever hopes I had breaking into tinier fragments.
His back would forever be etched into my mind.
Goodbye… Guru-kun.
A single tear rolled down my cheek.
-- end of flashback --
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How good it must be, to be young and innocent. Ignorant about the dealings of everything in this world, and living in your own fairy tale while you still can.
I finally reached my room.
With every step I took, I felt my knees weakening as if in protest of motion. It was as though my knees just wanted me to fall to the floor and break down.
I sat down on my bed.
-- "That's enough!" --
-- !SMACK! –
I held up my right hand. The hand that was so stained and sinned. How I wished that this wasn't my hand.
I slapped Suguru with this hand. I slapped Yumi with this very filthy hand.
It was as if this hand determined my fate with relationships.
I hate it.
I can't lose you too, Yumi …
I wanted to cry. I wanted to release myself from the pain in my heart. The dull throb was rubbing against my chest, the friction occasionally bringing forth sharp bites as I thought about it.
I can't stop thinking on it.
Why…… why is it that even in my own solace, I couldn't let out my pain?
Why won't the tears come!
I turned to look at my reflection in the mirror. Why is it that even now, you deny me of this little indulgence? It must be great for you, living only inside the mirror and seeing no one but me. No worries, no trouble, and you wouldn't even help me!
You just looked back at me, and continued with the silent game, as if expecting me to do something.
Why does everyone around have expectations from me?
My heart was mercilessly wrenched from me again. How can I get rid of this pain? I can't stand it much longer…
I… I'm… just not strong enough for this.
Remember…
That's right… I could do that.
I took my gaze off my reflection, and I thought I saw it smile gently at me. I went over to my wardrobe, and searched in a hidden compartment that I had it built in there.
And as I took it out, a glimmer of the moonlight caught the edge of it.
The flash of sliver… something so pristine that it was almost holy.
Forgive me, Maria-sama. I broke our promise.
All I felt was the cold blade pressed urgently against my feverish skin, somewhere near the crook of my right elbow. My sinned arm that deserved this punishment, this pain.
I looked at my arm, pleased to see the crimson fluid which stained the silver red, as sense of relief and pain enveloped me totally. Releasing me from my shackles, undoing all the locks and walls I've put up for show.
At last… I could be free……
Yumi. I'm sorry.
I pressed the blade deeper.
The woman in the glass just smiled at me.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A/N: Arh… finally another chapter is up. I think I feel the pre-syndrome for author's block… But I hope to finish this story at least. Hmm… my thought is that it's probably near to 20 chapters, plus minus some. Still a long way to go! Dang… I think I need more motivation. What a to do. I'm piling up homework from school too, so I'd probably just write during weekends and hope to get a chapter up by the end of two days.
Ah yes… This chapter focuses more on Sachiko's past with Suguru, so erm… I hope you enjoyed it? Ah… I know there's a little shounen factor in it, but haven't we all realize that Suguru isn't really straight? –smirks- I know everyone's anxious for Yumi and Sachiko to get together, but please be patient. x) Don't worry… I can promise that it will happen.
To all reviewers, thank you very much for your encouragement and your pointers for the story to improve. –dishes out invitation to sake party – Lols, I'm underage. :)
Special thanks to SakiaIshida for being a makeshift beta and providing me with pointers.
(edit) Thanks to I'm nothing but a dream for pointing out my grammar mistakes. Gomen-ne, I overlooked them for I was tired. :X
To CarolinaB and other reviewers, I'll be extra careful of the plotline and language :)