Disclaimer: I do not own Maria-sama ga miteru.
Notes: -- phrase – equals memory
Warning: Longer chapter alert! Don't read with a tight schedule.
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Sometimes, it just hurts more to let go than to stay.
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(Sachiko's POV)
I took off the jacket that both protected and hid the wound.
-
"Sachiko-sama? Why are you wearing a jacket in summer? I thought you would be more inclined to something cooler like a plain cotton blouse."
"It wouldn't matter now, will it? After all, we're going shopping in an air-conditioned place. Besides, I thought this outfit suits me rather well."
"Oh… shall we go off now?"
So different… but yet so similar at the same time.
"Sure."
-
I left the jacket , knowing fully well that someone, perhaps Miko-san, would probably come around to collect it soon.
-
What is this urge that I have to be happy now?
"Hey Touko, don't you find that dress beautiful? I mean, just look at the design of it! It's plain but yet holds that slightest tinge of exquisiteness that stands out without being too obvious. Don't you agree?"
What is this sudden well-up of joy that wasn't suppos- no shouldn't even exist?
… am I allowed to feel miserable? Am I allowed to be laughing without care? Am I?
"Is it really that pretty? Hmph, it doesn't look like anything much to me, I thought that this design is pretty common nowadays."
What reason do I have to not care anymore?
"Really? I must be out of touch with the trend then. It really has been a while since I last stepped into a designer's backyard."
It's common… but not so to her…
"Perhaps, you could always order what you wanted from the usual people anyway."
I stroked the dress, getting a feel of the soft flowing material. It was a stark contrast to that overcoat…
It's long… but just maybe…
"You think I should buy this?"
I've lost the feel for it… but which one did I lose?
"It's up to you; nothing's stopping you from buying it except for yourself."
"Hmm, I should. It fits me pretty well too."
"Sachiko-sama… are you feeling ill today? You're not quite yourself."
Not quite myself… no, I was never myself. From where did the 'not quite' come from?
"Nope, I feel perfectly fine, I'm sure that I'm healthy too. Why do you say so?"
"It's nothing… but if you're really feeling that healthy, let's go to the indoor amusement park then! Shall we? Shall we? Please say yes…"
"The amusement park?"
"Yup, please agree?"
So eager…
"Fine… you win. You have been accompanying me for sometime now, I should reward you. Let me pay for the dress first. Wait outside for me, will you?"
"Ok."
I turned around and walked over to pay at the counter.
Such alikeness.
-
I stood in front of the window, taking in the view of the grounds before me; grounds that one day will come under my ownership. Outside, bright lights that belonged to the lamp posts stared back at me, as if challenging me to find the stars that they masked.
-
We stopped at a traffic junction, waiting for the lights to turn.
"Isn't that Yumi-sama by the window seat of that restaurant? And is that the former Rosa Gigantea that I see?"
"Probably, but Yumi's free to meet anyone Touko. There's no need to be so curious about who she sees outside of school."
Liar. You know otherwise.
The lights turned and I was driven away before I could…
Could what? Wonder what's happening? Mope? Have your mood spoilt? Don't keep your hopes up; she wouldn't even want you anymore if you really think about it.
The car drove on and on.
-
Tomorrow's Monday.
You'll meet Yumi tomorrow…
Would she treat everything differently, or would she choose to ignore it and continue on being like this?
All I know is that some little part of me wants things to be back… back when she was just a first year and me a second year student…
-
It's been years since I last stepped into such a place like this. Father had always insisted that amusement parks and the likes are for street kids only, never for the rich and refined like us. For me, my days were just filled up by lessons after lessons and books were my only companion. I was never allowed to play any games that the others did – I did have lessons in chess though. Hugs and kisses from parents were replaced by an endless stream of tutors and nannies; it was only on rare occasions that mother showed some affection to me. Father on the other hand, was more concerned about his aquarium than me.
I was seven when I had my last roller coaster ride. I remembered that I begged mother for weeks before she let me go to the park secretly, but it was discovered by father when he came home unexpectedly that day. From then on, I was never allowed to leave the house unless I had lessons on. This lasted till the age where he deemed me old enough to stop having the urge to go to such places.
But I was long used to this coldness… Right up till the day I met Yumi. The day where I found myself floundering for the first time.
I leant against the marble sink, its cold edge sinking into skin under my weight.
-
When you rob someone of warmth, all that's left will be cold. But one wouldn't understand what's cold till they experience warmth. They can insist that they know, but deep down, they just don't. Even when they say you can't feel for something you don't have, I have always wondered… is this really true?
-
What are these feelings that I have?
I'm confused…
Your eyes are like those of the sun; so honest and pure that any blemish would be burned away by your gaze alone. With eyes like this you could melt the chilliest ice and bring spring to new heights if you wanted to. Even so, you had something more… something which exists in form of your lips – lips shaped to perfection that it almost hurts to see you smile. But yet, it is your smile which brings much joy to those around you, your laughter which warms many hearts unknowingly. However, none of these can be compared to your heart. Such an organ of innocence and love it is; your heart cared for everything and anything, a heart that fits without flaws to you.
But that evening… flames that were once so strong died down. In that one instant, a bleeding rock seemed atop of that wonder that was you. In that one instant, everything broke down. Dams that held tears back no longer did, lips that curved into kindness easily stilled. I could almost see your heart fade a little under that look.
In that one instant where I destroyed everything with a touch.
Something wet fell down my cheeks; followed by another and another.
Tears?
-
I stared at the ceiling from my position on the bed, not giving in to the softness of the mattress, to the lure of sleep. Just not yet.
I cried…
Why did I do that?
…Touko saw it.
Was it worthwhile? All I had to do was just to say yes to her request. If I did, all this wouldn't have happened.
Will it really be so?
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(Yumi's POV)
Yuuki hadn't come back yet.
I sat down in the chair, not knowing what I could do to occupy myself. I've finished homework, done all the dishes, swept and mopped the floor twice and I was done with my dinner. In the house, there was nothing else for me to do. I laid my head on the table, contemplating whether I should go to bed this early or just space out to that piece of cloud.
A blank piece of paper simply stared back at me from the table, looking innocent.
Too plain.
I took out a pencil from amongst my stationeries. Looking at the single sheet of pristine, my hand was drawn to make a blemish on it, wanting to mark the paper with it's presence. I just let it be, not really caring what will be the final product of my scribble. After all, it was better than doing nothing.
Unknowingly, I had drawn something that I was very familiar with. Something which I kept by my side regardless of what I did.
Her rosary.
It rested on my chest, the metal turning chiller the more I stared at the picture.
Protest?
Yes.
The answer echoed in my ear constantly, drowning me in an endless stream of whispers as I pulled out another piece of paper from a notepad.
-- "I caught her crying in the bathroom." --
My hand instinctively took up a pen and drifted across the paper once again.
-- "She's acting." --
It's all entirely my fault.
She doesn't deserve this…
Under the dim light, all I could see is the splotch of organized ink staining the paper that I was writing on.
Everything happens in a cycle. Meet, depart, and meet again. It's all the same.
I finished the last sentence, and with full knowledge of what I had written, I placed my stuff in order again.
It's for the best… for both of us.
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I stood in front of her statue, and made my prayers to her before starting school today.
"Maria-sama, I'm sorry… but I can't go on like this. I'm sorry. Please give Sachiko and me your blessings."
With that, I turned and headed for the Rose Mansion, not expecting anybody to be in it at this early hour.
-
I opened the door to the room. Nobody was in it, as expected. The shadows poured over the furniture, making the room seem eerie despite the peeking rays of the morning sun that were streaming in.
I laid the letter on her seat.
Slowly, I lifted the rosary from its place on my neck, its coolness making a stark contrast to the growing yellowness of dawn.
I placed it atop the letter, with one final kiss.
I'll miss you.
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(Sachiko's POV)
Standing in the shadows of the corridor, I heard you leave the building. I didn't want to meet you just yet; I was ready to face anything… anything except you. I thought I would be alone here, but you came…
What were you doing in that room? You made no noise and little movement… I wonder what your purpose was.
I came out of my hiding place, unsure on whether I should pry.
Just go in. It's better than you adding more questions to that list.
The door knob turned, and I was greeted by the sight of the golden-bathed room. From the corner of my eye, something sparkled on the table.
Something very familiar…
A chill ran down my spine.
-
I clutched the valediction letter tightly in my fist as I searched the school grounds for Yumi. The rosary was making little stabs on my palm from the pressure I exerted, but I could care for nothing else right now.
What did you mean by this? You wanted everything to end with this formal, emotionless letter? Just like this? I don't believe it!
I can't let her go, not like this.
The greenhouse.
That's right, She must have gone to that greenhouse!
-------
I opened the door to the greenhouse, still panting heavily from the run here.
Yumi…
She just stood there with a dispassionate look on her face. A face that betrayed no emotion at all.
What are you thinking?
I gave myself a moment to regain my breath before speaking.
"Yumi."
"Sachiko-sama. I wasn't expecting you."
I shivered slightly at her cold tone.
When did Yumi ever have such a tone…
"Why… Yumi, tell me."
My voice sounded broken… but it didn't seem to have any effect on her.
You shouldn't sound so weak.
"Nothing much, I just felt that we weren't suitable after all. It's all for the best."
No… there must be a better reason than this… Yumi wouldn't do this… not ever!
I strode over to where she was standing.
"Why, Yumi. Why did you give me back my rosary? Why did you want to break the bond?"
I don't understand… Yumi… did you hate me so much? I want to know…
I shook her on the shoulders.
"Tell me Yumi! Tell me the reason that drove you to this! Tell me that you have a better reason… that you really have a better reason for this…"
Yumi… please…
Tears started their descent down my cheeks, blurring my vision of her. Masking her features to me.
"Yumi…… please…"
Her features softened.
"I'm sorry."
Suddenly, it didn't feel so cold now.
"Sachiko-sama… I… I'm not good enough for you. I can never do anything for you… even if I want to, I couldn't! You and I live in different worlds, and… I… I don't understand what you're going through, what you are feeling. I – I want to understand, but maybe someone else can do it better than me…"
"I'm sorry… but I really cannot stand it anymore! From the start of our soeur relationship till now… all I felt was pain, sadness and longing when I'm with you. Yes, I was happy during these times too, but the frequent times when I feel an ache by just looking at you hurts me like nothing else could. I don't want to continue on like this. I don't want to continue upsetting you due to my ignorance and neither do I want to worry my friends and family anymore. How can I do so when you are in my life? I no longer know how I feel when I'm with you. Do you know how hard it is for me to dream of you at night - and having the best time of my life in the dream – but waking up to a new morning where things are so different from it?"
"Yumi… I…"
With every word she said… my heart was losing a fragment of itself; carved into a smaller piece slowly as the knives came in.
"I can't help it. When I'm next to you, all I feel are things that confuse me. And I don't want to feel like this anymore. Sachiko-sama, I'm sorry for wasting all your time and effort. I can't be your soeur anymore, but just maybe, you can find a soeur soon enough to let her be the next Rosa Chinensis. Thank you for all that you've done for me… but it's time for goodbye… It's all for the best."
My eyes went in slow mode as I saw her turn around and run away. She didn't shed a single tear… I didn't see a single one…
No.
Yumi…
It's all for the best…
Something clicked in me as I processed what was happening.
"No! Yumi, wait!"
I ran after her.
No, Yumi… don't leave me alone… don't… not again… not like this…
I caught hold of her arm, not letting her go as she tried to pull free from my grip. I gave her a tug, and she landed in my arms, in my embrace.
Her face was so close to mine… her lips was but an inch away…
You know what you want, don't you?
Yes.
"Sachiko-sama… why did you come after me?
Yumi… I finally understand. I finally realized the reason of why I avoided you… the reason why I didn't want you too close to me. This is why I dream of you, why I can't allow this, why I'm who I am now. I don't want you involved in my twisted family rules, I don't want you to know too much, and I never ever wanted to hurt you. But if you came too close, in the end, the one to get hurt the most will be you, for nothing else can change the fate I had.
"I just wanted to say…"
I love you, Yumi, and it isn't going to change anytime soon. Therefore, I will let you go.
No… I have to let you go… I must let you go.
Get away from me totally before you get hurt anymore than I've done now. Get away before I hurt you anymore.
I crushed my lips against hers, and pulled her closer to me, closing the distance between us.
But please… let me have this last one reprieve…
I murmured against her lips.
"… I hate you. That's why."
I dove in.
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A/N: Whew, that was a long one… thought of splitting it up but couldn't find the heart to. Now that I've got that out of my brains… -goes back to mug for exams-
Ok… I surrender… I can't resist the temptation to write during weekends… I got out another chapter in the midst of doing Biology. How freaky is that? Anyway… nevermind… you can tell me what you thought of this chapter. Eh… I didn't really check the chapter for grammar as I was rushing through it… so please tell me if you spot some errors.
To all reviewers: -throws Sachiko and Yumi chibi dolls to hug- While stocks last!
- Brain cells not working. Don't mind me. -