ATUHOR'S NOSE: This is a collection of non-canon omake I was slowly assembling, with the intent of publishing whenever I happened to feel it was a good time to publish such a thing.
They're a bit unpolished, because I published them early as an excuse to attach a PSA about a site issue. The issue has since been resolved.
Next proper chapter's coming in slow and steady like the last one, please enjoy these omake.
What If: Tempest was a cynical bitch?
"... and that is how you will find the remaining six Points of Shadow. Make haste, for allowing them to fall into the wrong hands could be disastrous."
"Or, alternately, hear me out here... I could not do that."
"I'm sorry?"
"Look, I've been going along with this up til now because my brother asked me to, but if you think I'm gonna go traipsing about the worlds to fix some archaeological crap on nothing but your say-so, think again."
"And the danger to the worlds doesn't move you to act?"
"One: no, actually. Xehanort is a danger to the worlds, and you don't see me charging off after him.
"Two: What danger? These things aren't that unstable! It took a Princess of Heart to produce enough contrast to set off the one in Radiant Garden, so give Kairi a radar and tell her to keep her Keyblade sheathed when it beeps. Problem solved. Certainly nobody's gonna exploit them on purpose - nobody knows where they are! Have you considered keeping it that way?"
DiZ seemed taken aback by my vehemence. "Yet you agreed to aid Cid with no reluctance."
"Cid was gonna pay me. His offer was my ticket to freedom. You just want me to run your errands."
"I see. And now that you have your freedom, you will abandon him."
"No, actually - I still want a Gummi Ship. Keyblade Gliders are awful." I sighed and decided to take pity on him. "Look, even if I was willing, we can't do anything as it is. We don't know how to stop them from going off - what was I supposed to do, stick up a sign reading 'pwease no fighty'? Call me when you have a solution, and some form of compensation, and maybe then."
And so I spent a few weeks earning myself a Gummi Ship, and then I found the Fifth City and made friends with the Bohemians and ended up getting addicted to Prisoner's Honey. But the Points of Shadow never did get set off, and Xehanort did get defeated by Sora and company, so it all worked out.
What if: the fic was a bajillion times more pointlessly self-indulgent?
"So what you're saying is, time flowed at a one-to-one rate between our worlds from the moment I first played Kingdom Hearts 1 some eleven-twelve years ago, and as a result you're actually all still the same age as me?"
"Yes," said the super-hot adult Riku.
"And all three of you are romantically interested in me?"
"That's correct," said the amazingly sexy adult Kairi. "We all agree that adding you to the polycule would be great, because of how cute you are."
"By the way," Sora said, "I just now suddenly realized that I probably am also trans. You said you've been on HRT for about a year now? I would like to know how to start HRT, because... " Sora frowned at the script. "Really, this is what you wrote?"
Uh?
"I don't mean me being trans, I mean the line 'I am super jealous of your amazing rack'. I know you're being deliberately cheesy, but that's too much even for the self-parody gag."
"Yeah, that's a bit over the top," I said.
Hey, wait, you're literally me, how are you on the other side of the argument?
I shrugged. "I split off from you almost a year ago, your time. Obviously we've diverged a bit."
... Sheesh, it has been almost a year, hasn't it? I'm surprised I haven't abandoned this fic. Or at least gone on hiatus. But never mind that, this omake has gone entirely off the rails so I'm gonna move on to the next one. Now.
What if: this was specifically a RWBY-focused crossover fic?
Sora, Riku, Kairi, and I were stumped.
The thing is, we needed to blend in. So we needed to fit the color-names theme.
Luckily, our own names weren't a problem. Sora = sky = blue and/or white. Riku = earth = brown and/or green. Kairi = sea = blue and/or green. Tempest = storm = grey and/or blue. No problem.
But what about our team name?
"SRKT," I suggested, pronouncing it like "serket".
"Is that color-themed? What color?"
"Hmm..."
"Ooh, how about TRKS?" Kairi suggested, pronouncing it "tracks".
"See, I want to say that'd work, because it should invoke the same colors as RNJR did, but I don't actually know which colors, so I'd be bothered forever."
We pondered a bit longer.
"Ooh!" I exclaimed suddenly. "SKRT!" ("Skirt".)
"That's definitely not a color," Kairi said.
"But I like skirts... plus, all four of us wear skirts sometimes, so like, there's a theme!"
Riku seemed surprised by this knowledge. "All four...? Are you thinking of my Dark Mode outfit? Because I think that's technically a kilt."
"Also," Sora pointed out, "Riku lost that power ages ago, so he doesn't wear it anymore."
"Would you wear it?" I asked. "Just as an outfit, no connection to the power or corruption of darkness?"
Riku pondered this for a moment. "Scrap the Heartless emblem, obviously, but - maybe."
"RKTS!" Sora said suddenly. ("Rockets".)
"To protect the world from devastation -" I started quoting before Riku cut me off.
"Nope. I dunno that reference, but you'd definitely make it obnoxious before long."
"Aww... STKR! Ooh, no, actually."
"Maybe if we pronounced it 'sticker' instead."
"Is that colorful?"
"Tempest, have you seen a sticker?"
"Do these Remnant people really stick to the colorful theme naming that strictly?"
"Yeah, something about an ancient war over art being banned... Y'know, if you three had slightly worse names, we could totally be team WTVR." ("Whatever." Yes, my exasperation is showing.)
The first to figure it out was Sora, and she immediately threw a pillow at me. "Unauthorized punning! 100-munny penalty!"
"Completely unauthorized," Kairi affirmed. "It's not even a color."
"A flagrant violation of the Punning Restriction Act Of Thirty Seconds Ago," Riku nodded.
After a slight joking-around distraction, it finally occurred to me that there were only 24 possibilities and we decided to just write them all down and we could choose that way. After carefully considering the pros and cons of each (read: discarding those that obviously sucked, which turned out to be most of them), we ended up going with "SKTR" ("skater"). Which, I mean, what with Flowmotion, we kinda could be considered skaters in that way.
Y'know, just as soon as Sora and Riku saw fit to teach us that technique.
"Hold up," Riku asked, "what does SKTR have to do with color, again?"
"Ice is blue and/or white, I think is the idea." Kairi said.
"Oh, I was imagining roller skates." Sora said.
"The convention is flexible!" I said.
And so we went with it.