ATUHOR'S NOSE: I aten't dead!

I did a little retcon thing before publishing this chapter. It involved changing one (1) line that contradicted a fact I had decided was true in this fic. If that fact ever actually comes up (in 20 chapters and 5 years, at this rate), you will immediately realize which line I changed, unless you already forgot that line was ever there.

This chapter took 16 days to write, once I finally figured out what I was doing with it. That's in line with my normal pace, so am I back on my game? Or did I just call down the wrath of the hubris curse thing? The world may never know, and by "never" I mean "if I haven't updated in about a month it'll be really obvious which thing has happened".

Swipe, slash, zap, spin, pass the light puck this way and that... it took us an embarrassing amount of time to realize that Marluxia was not actually intending to participate in this battle.

"Hey, Tem... is it just me, or are there more of them than when we started?"

I paused in my attack. "There are... definitely a whole lot of those purple staticky foxes, yes." And then, in a blink, there were a whole lot more of them, as they duplicated themselves before my eyes.

"What the hell?! That's cheating!"

Expectant pause.

"Frick! Marluxia's gone." He would definitely have made some snarky comment there about how 'cheating is just what the losers call strategy'.

"If he just dropped these Noise and left..." Luke trailed off. "Wait, how do we get out of the Noise planes?"

I cringed. "Well, um... We press start and tap 'Gotta Bounce', except for real somehow." Why is super basic stuff always so much harder in real life than in video games oh wait I answered my own question. "Heck it. Let's try - Exit!" and with a burst of magic, we were back in the RG.

We looked around. No sign of Marluxia. He had probably already Corridor'd out.

Luke raised an eyebrow. "Exit? Not Teleport?"

"This is the variant that can be cast on adversaries. Which obviously I didn't do just now, but it seems like a useful ability to have."

Sora and Mickey conveniently chose that exact moment to return to the RG as well. They looked around frantically. "Where's Marluxia?" Sora asked.

"Gone," I said. "I think he was just here to stall us." I paused, frowning. "Though, wouldn't sticking around have done that more effectively...?"

"Unless... he just wanted you to think he was stalling you and leave without searching properly?" Sora suggested.

"No, sticking around would have done that more effectively too." I tilted my head in thought. "Maybe... something came up and he had to address it immediately?"

"Or maybe he's been relieved."

All four of us whirled to face Vanitas, Keyblades out. (For the record, he had his helmet on, so nobody felt inclined to ask any awkward questions about why he looked exactly like Sora.) After a tense moment, I took a breath and lowered mine.

"Tempest?" Mickey asked.

"I... have a hunch, Your Majesty," I said. "Maybe it's just my imagination, but... Well, on another subject - how did you get back, Vani?"

Vanitas started. "Vani?"

I shrugged loudly. "Do forgive my unwarranted familiarity. You remind me of a friend from back home. Also, as long as you're still on Team Evil I'm gonna feel morally obligated to be at least a little bit annoying to you. Vani."

He shook his head. "While the nickname is hilariously brazen, it's possible that you're just weird." ("Only possible? You insult me.") "No, what I'm stuck on is that you knew my name at all. Or anything about me at all, up to and including the fact that I even exist."

"Oh? Big X didn't fill you in on the twist in the tale that is my strange worlds which are apparently tailor-made to produce people like me?"

"B- Big X?!"

"Oh, yes, I've just now decided that being annoying and slightly rude to Team Evil is very cool and good, and I should do it as much as possible."

Unfortunately, Vanitas didn't hear this very cool and good retort, because he was too busy cracking up at 'Big X'. "Big X! That's too good."

I blinked. "It wasn't... that funny... was it?" I looked to the others, who just shrugged, apparently equally confused. "I actually thought it was kinda mediocre, and really only said it because it did in fact qualify as a riff..."

"Context," Vanitas said, finally managing to catch his breath. "You don't have it. Whew. Ah, Big X -" he laughed again "- told me nothing whatsoever about you. As far as I'm concerned you're a stranger. I don't even know your name."

"Ah, well, I'm Tempest," I said. "You can call me Tempe if you like. And that's my brother Luke," I said, pointing to him.

"Now, Luke, I was told about. Didn't know he had a sister, though." Vanitas paused in thought for a moment. "You know what, I will answer your question. I'm back because the Organization harvested negative emotional energy from the Noise that live in this world."

"Neato," I said, nodding. "... That explains very little."

"I'm not giving you a 101 on magical physics, Tempe. The negative emotional energy put me back on my feet, but I need one other thing to be complete." He raised his Keyblade and pointed it dramatically at Sora. "Ventus!"

I blinked. "I was sure you were about to say 'positive emotional energy'."

"Nope," Vanitas said. "I need the other half of my heart."

"The half that's made of positive emotional energy."

"... What's your point?"

I shrugged. "I can't tell the details without at least a 101 on magical physics, but it seems obvious to me that there exists an easier way to go about this. A way that doesn't involve consuming a person."

"And why should I care?"

"Did I mention that this hypothetical way would be easier? Possibly faster? And Team Good over here would be less inclined to make it difficult?"

"Umm," Sora and Mickey both umm'd at the same time. (Luke snrk'd at this.)

"Okay, I won't speak for my friends, but I'd be less so inclined."

"Actually," Sora interrupted. "I just have a question. Why did you call me Ventus?"

"I don't mean you, child," Vanitas said condescendingly.

He removed his helmet.

"What in the...?!" Sora exclaimed.

"I mean my other half," Vanitas said. "Don't you remember? He's been sleeping in your heart for almost a decade."

"... Does he also look exactly like me with a dye job?"

Vanitas snickered. "Gods, no. Two people with this face is already too much."

"Don't forget Data-Sora," I chimed in.

"Who?" Sora and Vanitas asked simultaneously.

I frowned very loudly. "Okay. I roughly understand why Vani doesn't know. You have no particular reason to know, aside from Big X -" (Vanitas snickered at the nickname again.) "- having some kinda supernatural power of knowing things he shouldn't, but that doesn't mean he'd tell you anything. He's certainly not nice enough to just share info because he has it. But Sora not knowing...?" I shook my head. "We can talk about that later. Umm... why are we standing around talking, again?"

Vanitas shrugged. "I'm standing around talking because I'm here specifically to keep you on this world as long as possible. I don't know why you are all going along with it."

"Well, we're not leaving yet anyway, we've still got business here. I gotta go shopping, and then there's the other thing."

"The Point of Shadow?" Vanitas said.

I sighed. "Of course Big X told you about those. Just know that I dipped my soul in darkness a while back, specifically so I could fight at full force if one of our various adversaries tried anything without it counting as a light-versus-darkness clash. So... don't try anything."

Vanitas laughed. "I don't care what you do with the Points, and neither does Big X. The only clash we're concerned with is the big seven-on-thirteen. It might be more interesting at a Point of Shadow, I'll grant. But probably more annoying, too."

"On that note... given that you have your thirteen, and we have our seven - and then some, on both counts - why aren't y'all, like, goading us into the final confrontation yet?"

"I would love to do that, honestly," Vanitas said, "but apparently this method requires more preparation than just throwing twenty people in an arena. At least, that's what Big X tells me whenever I complain." He snickered once more. "I'm never gonna get over that nickname. It's too good."

XXXXXXXXXX

"So," Luke said, "we're going after the Point, now."

"Uh-huh. That's one of our missions," I said.

"And you think it's in Udagawa or so?"

"Radar-thing seems to be pointing that way, yeah."

Luke nodded.

A pause.

"I can't help but notice that Vanitas is still here."

"Mind your own," Vanitas snapped.

"Why are we letting him hang around?"

I shrugged. "Felt like it? And he doesn't seem to be doing much of anything."

"Like I said," Vanitas said, "my mission is to stall you from leaving. Hanging around and watching you yell at each other is certainly accomplishing that."

Luke glared daggers at him. "Tempest, can you slap him with an Exit?"

"I am certainly physically capable of that... I'm not sure whether I want to."

"Seriously?!"

"He's not doing anything! I'll slap him if he tries to start something, but... I don't wanna greet him with violence if I don't have to, y'know?"

"Does a teleportation spell really count as violence?" Vanitas mused.

"It does if I deliver it via a slap to your face."

"Oh, that was literal?"

"Only thing stopping me from doing it myself is that I don't know Exit," Luke grumbled.

"Yet!" I said. "Growth mindset!"

"Hmm." Vanitas hmm'd.

"What 'hmm'?" I asked, with sincere curiosity.

"Why are you doing this before your shopping, if this is the one that was secret?"

I shrugged. "If Big X already told you about Points, then there's no actual secret, is there?"

"So, what, there is a secret about your shopping?"

I frowned. "Well, now that you've suggested the possibility, I'm certainly gonna act like it."

Vanitas leaned in real close and smirked. "Then I'll do the same."

I tried very hard to pretend I was not unsettled by this blatant invasion of my personal space. "That sounds slightly ominous!" I declared cheerfully.

Vanitas held that stare for several seconds.

Somehow, I didn't flinch.

"Huh. You are really good at pretending to be unflappable," Vanitas said as he finally backed away.

"Apparently not good enough, if you could tell I was pretending," I responded, shrugging.

"Soooo..." Luke interrupted, "how are we planning on getting rid of him when we have to leave?"

"Beats me," I said. "I'm sure it'll be some... epic... fun... thing."

Vanitas suddenly stopped. "How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"The mouse and the kid are gone."

I looked around. Sora and Mickey were, indeed, absent. "Huh. I'm gonna give Luke the credit for everything, because I was focusing on you the whole time and didn't even know they had anything planned."

"I'm gonna take the credit for everything because you're right, it was my idea."

"... So what, I've still got you two stuck here."

"Yeah, but we're not as important," I said dismissively.

"Excuse you?" Luke said, raising an eyebrow.

"No offense! But - Sora's basically Keyblade Jesus, and Mickey's the king of an entire world. ... The problems arising from that sorta encapsulating why I'm against monarchy in general and I wonder if I could convince him to start holding elections anytime soon?"

Luke and Vanitas both boggled at this tangent.

"Yes, that would be an awkward conversation, but the normal way monarchies become democracies is that they become terrible and get violently overthrown, so skipping that phase would save at least one generation if not several from misery at the hands of an evil king so I'd say it's worth an awkward conversation."

The boggling continued.

"Unless Mickey is immortal? That would change the situation pretty drastically, but I don't know of any evidence for that..."

"What are you on, Tempe?" Vanitas asked, leaning in to look at my eyes up close.

"Exit." I incanted, poking Vanitas in the forehead. "Sorry," I added as he vanished in a crackle of magic.

There was a brief stunned silence. "That was really well-acted," Luke finally said. "I honestly thought you were just going off on a weird tangent."

"I mean - I was," I admitted, "but also, I realized midway through that if I dragged it out long enough, I could probably bait Vani into dropping his guard. And it worked! Probably won't work a second time, though. Sora and Mickey went off to seal the Point, right?"

"Right. Let's join them, shall we?"

XXXXXXXXXX

"What. The hell. Was that." (The word I used was not 'hell', but there are language standards in this medium, so that's the word I'm writing.)

"That," Joshua said, "was what happens when I spot a problem too late."

"Did Microtransaction Girl just -"

"Yes. Yes she did."

"Why?!"

"I expect I'll be finding out very soon."

"Are you going to need our help dealing with it?"

Joshua actually paused to consider it. "Probably not. But I appreciate the offer."

"Well, if you do decide to call on us, you know -" I stopped suddenly. "Shoot. I don't even have my phone on me. Gah, this is getting annoying. Joshua, where would I go if I wanted to buy like two dozen cheap smartphones?