Standing Beside the Fallen
Chapter 2 – Constant Apologies and Regrets
During dinner that night Harry was oddly silent. Sirius had tried to engage him in conversation several times, but he merely answered politely before turning back to his food that he hardly touched. It was odd, that Harry hadn't felt hungry when he had hardly eaten all summer. The Dursleys hadn't been exactly generous enough to provide him with a meal every once a while so he ended up having to sneak food from the refrigerator in small helpings so that nobody would notice.
He was sure he lost at least fifteen pounds since he left Hogwarts two and a half weeks ago, but he hadn't cared much. He remembered longing for food sometimes in the early hours of the morning while he lay awake during a nightmare. He had wished for anything to have a hot meal in front of him. Now however, the side of food wasn't as appealing as he thought it was.
Harry jumped when Sirius burst out into a fit of laughter, his echoes sounding like the bark of a dog. He seemed to be amused by Tonks, who was changing her nose to make it resemble a pig's and changing her hair to blond. Rather than laugh, Harry merely bit his lip and looked down at his plate again. She had looked remarkably like a skinny Dudley when she had done that and it had only reminded him of the Dursleys. There was no doubt to Harry that Dudley was going to grow up and be just as abusive as his father. After all, he had heard Dudley whining to his mother that Uncle Vernon wouldn't let him watch Harry get beaten. Those words had left him sick in the stomach for days. They treated it like some sort of spectator sport.
Professor Lupin had been watching him all night and Harry was starting to get really annoyed. He hated when people glared at him, especially when they gawked at his scar. But Professor Lupin seemed to be in deep thought as he stared at Harry and only broke eye contact when Harry sent an exasperated look at him. After that, Harry had declared that he didn't want any desert and headed upstairs. He had just reached the entrance hall when he accidentally knocked over a coat hanger and it caused a clanging sound on the floor. He nearly fell flat on his back from what happened next.
A woman appeared behind a curtain screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs. She was, truly the ugliest woman Harry had seen in his life. She wore an ugly black cap perched on her head, and her yellow and waxy skin made her look decaying. She had yellow pointed teeth, was drooling at the mouth and had round piercing black eyes. Harry stumbled backwards into the wall, afraid that the crazy old woman was going to attack him when he realized that the woman was just a portrait. The most realistic and ugly portrait he had ever seen. And to top it all off, she was throwing rude and disgusting curses at him.
"Filthy abominations! By-products of dirt and vileness! Get out of my house and leave this place! Filthy blood traitors, mutants and horrible disgusting FREAKS inhabit the house of my fathers and invite mudbloods and half breeds inside where they don't belong! Leave and never step foot here again you ugly piece of filth! Slime and pond scum be gone!"
Harry was nearly panicking when Sirius sand Professor Lupin came up the stairs and headed towards the portrait. Sirius started to yell for the old hag to shut up while they both pulled the curtains as hard as they could, the woman still bellowing.
"You!" She spat, spotting Sirius. "Traitor, shame of my flesh, you do not deserve to be in this house! You are no son of mine! Leave and never step foot back in his house again. It's called Noble for a reason, something which you lack and shall never gain, you wretched abomination. Oh how I could have a son as horrible as you I will never know, you ugly worthless. . . "
Finally, Sirius and Professor Lupin seemed to get the moth eaten curtains closed and silence fell among the corridor besides the sounds of heavy breathing. Harry ran a hand gently through the tips of his hair, as not to reopen any cuts on his scalp, and stared at the curtain in disgust. His gaze then turned to Sirius who had a dark look on his face. Harry immediately perceived it to be directed at him.
"I'm so sorry, Sirius. I-I didn't know." He stuttered, tensing immediately and stepping further into the wall. "I'm sorry, I accidentally t-tripped and it just – "
"Harry!" Sirius said loudly over Harry's stuttering. "It's okay. Tonks does it all the time. This is my mother's portrait." He said, sounding bitter towards the end of the sentence. Harry's heart rate started to turn back to normal. "We can't seem to get her frame down and she starts cursing at the slightest sound in the entrance hall. I'm sorry, it's my fault, I should have warned you."
Harry shook his head. "No, no Sirius it was mine. I should have been quieter. I'm sorry." He said, trying to make himself as invisible as possible, but it didn't seem to be able to work. Tonks and Kingsley came into the hall and now the whole room was looking at him. He wished everyone would stop doing that and leave him alone.
"Harry, I'm telling you it's no problem." Sirius said slowly and carefully, seeming to try and choose his words carefully. "Tonks sets her off practically every time she sets foot in the hall. She's dead clumsy, even when she isn't walking."
Harry bit his lip as Tonks gave an indignant, "Hey!" Over by the doorway, but didn't seem to be fazed by it at all. He nodded slowly, avoiding eye contact with everyone and looked up towards the stairs.
"Are you okay, Harry?" Professor Lupin asked.
"I'm fine okay?" Harry burst out, looking angry. "Why do you all keep asking that? There is nothing wrong alright, so just stop it!"
He turned and headed up the stairs, doing so quietly despite his angry mood so he wouldn't set off Mrs. Black again. He headed into his room and closed the door with a snap behind him, sliding down into a sitting position on the floor, tears clouding his eyes. He hadn't meant to snap at them like that, he hadn't known what came over him. The tears slid down his cheeks as he realized that Sirius must hate him by now. He had graciously let him into his home and given him food and a room to stay in and how did he repay it? By setting off the mad portrait and snapping at him when he was trying to help. He felt appalled with himself.
The mad portrait had been right. Sirius really did invite a freak into the house, someone who didn't deserve to be here. Maybe it would be better for everyone else if he just left and got out of their hair. But then again, he was sure Dumbledore would hunt him down and tell him to go back, because he would be safe. And if he did leave, there would be nowhere for him to go, and he doubted he'd get far in his condition. Hell, he was sure not going back to the prison that was the Dursleys.
Wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve, he slowly got up from the floor. Sparks of pain flared from his ribs and his various other injuries but he ignored it and walked over to the bed. Without even bothering to put in the effort and get undressed, he merely lay down on his bed. Never in his life had he felt so alone before. He had a group of people around him, ones that he liked and cared for, and yet he felt like there was a giant wall between them. He couldn't tell them what was tearing him up inside, and he couldn't confide in them over the nightmares and worries that plagued him night after night. He felt completely isolated from the rest of the world. He was alone, and he didn't know what to do about it.
He was once again trapped in another one of his horrible nightmares. He was running between the graves in the graveyard after seeing Cedric die for the millionth time. He could feel Voldemort following behind him, he felt so close that he could feel his hot breath on the crook of his neck, sending chills down his spine. Voldemort's high-pitched voice was in his ears repeating, "Bow to death, Harry," Over and over again. He tried to send a spell over his shoulder but his wand wasn't working. He was defenseless.
As he tried to go faster, he found himself flying towards the ground, tripping over something he couldn't see. He quickly turned over on his stomach expecting to see Voldemort's red eyes on him, but instead he found his uncle's purple face inches from his own. He gasped, and quickly tried to get away but his uncle had him pinned.
"You're nothing but a burden." His uncle hissed in his ear and took his head, forcing him to look to the left. "This is what happens to all of your friends because of you. You are the reason they are suffering, because they were forced to tolerate you all those years. They hate you and always will."
In the distance, he could see Voldemort pointing his wand at Ron and Hermione who were cowering in the corner. They looked over at Harry hatefully. "You did this to us!" They chanted together, each looking angrier than ever before. "You're the reason he's going to kill us! We hate you, you're nothing but a freak!"
And then Voldemort shot the killing curse, blinding him momentarily in a flash of green light. When he blinked and looked up, he saw that both had fallen to the floor, dead. Harry screamed and writhed in his uncle's grasp but it only caused his uncle to punch and kick to restrain him. Next in line on Voldemort's path was Sirius. He looked over at Harry, shaking his head.
"You're nothing like your father, Harry." He said in a low, dangerous voice. "If he were alive right now he would disown you. You're the reason they are dead and the reason I soon will be. I'd rather die than have to look at you right now."
And then Sirius dropped to the floor dead. Harry was screaming and fighting as hard as he could, trying to get to Voldemort who continued to kill the rest of his friends, all of whom seemed to have their own personal insults to throw at him. He couldn't take this anymore. No, this couldn't be happening!
Harry shot up in bed, gasping loudly and holding back a scream of terror. He immediately flinched, feeling his ribs screaming in pain and wrapped his arm around the bruises, biting his lip hard. His heart was going a mile per minute in his chest, ready to burst through his rib cage from how hard it was pounding. He was taking long shallow breaths, and sweat falling down his forehead. His energy seemed drained, a mixture from the pain in his injuries to the energy it took to keep back screaming. He kicked off his covers and stood up, swaying on his feet for a moment before grabbing the bed post and steadying himself. Once he managed to catch his breath, he allowed himself to think about the dream he had just had.
In his heart, he knew exactly that Sirius and Ron and Hermione and all of his friends didn't really feel the way they did in his dream. But in his mind, where the dream still sat vividly, he couldn't help but wonder if it was actually true? Did Sirius really hate him? Did Ron and Hermione despise him and wish they never met him? His uncle had always told him that he was a burden to everybody he knew. Maybe that was really true. Maybe he was too blind to listen to him before.
Shaking his head, he tried to rid himself of that thought. Those were cowardly thoughts, thoughts for people who were weak and defenseless and after facing Voldemort, he couldn't be either. He knew that his friends loved him and would stand by him after everything that happened. Wouldn't they?
Deciding that it was in his best interest to probably get away from these thoughts he put on his shoes and headed out of his bedroom and downstairs. He tried to stay as quiet as possible, hoping that he wouldn't wake anybody in the house up, and they would never knew he left his room to go and get a cup of hot chocolate in the kitchen. Back with the Dursley's, he would never dare to do this in the middle of the night, but he doubted Sirius would come downstairs and start to beat him unconscious. The thought of that actually happening made him shudder, and he was a little shocked to find himself hesitating to go inside when he reached the kitchen door.
In the end, he decided he was being stupid and pushed the door open, only to realize that he wasn't alone. It seemed he wasn't the only one to come downstairs with the intentions of a late night drink. Professor Lupin was at the table, a steaming cup in his hands as he sat reading a piece of parchment with a neat set of handwriting on it. Lupin looked up when he saw Harry entered and gave a small smile.
"Up a little late aren't you?" He said quietly as he tried to discreetly take the parchment and fold it, placing it in his front pocket of his pajama top.
"I came down for some hot chocolate." Harry said softly. "I can just go back to bed if I'm bothering you – "
"No Harry, of course not," Lupin said smiling. "Why don't you come and sit down?"
As Harry slowly entered the kitchen from the threshold, Lupin got up from his seat and started over to the stove, ready to boil some more water. Harry immediately frowned.
"Professor, you don't need to do that. I can make it myself." Harry said.
"Sit down, Harry." He said. "I'm making myself a fresh cup anyways." There were a few moments of silence as Harry resolutely sat down at the table, quietly watching Remus as he got the hot chocolate bags from the cupboard and started to stir in the powder and milk.
"Marshmallows?" He asked, holding up a small bag as he placed several in his own cup. Harry gave a small smile and nodded.
When Professor Lupin gave Harry his cup, he gave a small smile in thanks before turning his attention completely on the cup, not daring to look Professor Lupin in the eye. It wasn't long before the silence between the two was broken.
"They look like they hurt," Professor Lupin said. Harry quickly looked up.
"What?" He asked, his tongue thick in his mouth.
"Those bruises on your face," Lupin said, gesturing to his bruised cheek and right temple.
Harry gave a small smile of relief. "No they don't, it doesn't hurt at all, really."
"You say you got into a fight?" Lupin asked.
This man can really be annoying sometimes, Harry thought bitterly, but nodded anyways, not allowing his emotions to escape onto his face as he continued to stare intently at his mug.
"Who did you fight?" He asked.
"My cousin," Harry answered automatically.
He had been covering up Vernon's abuse for years, and excuses seemed natural when he talked. Ever since he was a small child he had learned what the right cover stories were so that nobody got suspicious. Some did of course, mainly a teacher or two, but then he would purposely pick a fight in the school yard in front of that teacher and loose on purpose, just to make them loose their suspicion. It always hurt and humiliated him, but not as much as if the truth had been revealed. So far, nobody had completely figured it out, and he hoped it stayed that way.
"It looks like you came off worse." Lupin said. This time Harry did look up.
"Well, you try taking on a four hundred pound piece of lard three times your size in a fight. Dudley's so big that if he sits on you your skull shatters from the pressure. Personally, I think under the circumstances I did rather well."
Lupin chuckled, and Harry couldn't help but let a small smile break on his face. Personally, he thought he was getting too good at these lies.
"So what has got you coming down here at two thirty in the morning?" Professor Lupin asked, sipping his hot chocolate.
"I couldn't sleep." Harry said, not wanting to admit to his ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher that he had been having violent nightmares. Harry suddenly bit his lip and looked up. "Why were you down here? If, if you don't mind my asking?"
Lupin smiled. "You and I seem to be in the same boat don't we? Both of us are aspiring insomniacs. However I had some work to be finished after the meeting and decided that I would finish it down here. Sirius and Tonks of course, are not like that. Never in a million years can you wake them up in the morning, let alone them ever being insomniacs or missing sleep over work either. I remember once dumping a bucket of water on him to wake him up and he continued to sleep. Woke up thinking he wet himself."
Harry couldn't help but snort in laughter, imagining his godfather sleeping through that. He laughed until he felt a shooting pain in his ribs and gave a gasp of breath, his eyes shut tight and biting his lip furiously.
"Harry?" Professor Lupin asked. He quickly got up from the table and headed around it but Harry quickly opened his eyes and stood up, taking a step back.
"I'm okay." He said quickly.
"No, you looked like you were hurt." Lupin said, giving Harry a searching look. "It looked like your chest was hurting."
Harry shook his head. "No I'm fine." He said. "I just. . . "He was suddenly drawing a blank on a list of excuses. "A bruise I got when I was fighting my cousin." He finally managed.
"If it's that serious that it hurts when you laugh, I should probably take a look at it-"
"No." Harry cut in quickly . . . perhaps a little too quickly. Lupin raised an eyebrow and Harry swallowed thickly. "It's fine, just a little irritated."
Lupin studied Harry for a few moments before he sighed and put his hand on his shoulder and steered him to a seat. Harry suppressed a flinch and the urge to recoil away from the man's touch and allowed himself to be sat down, but tried to look into Lupin's eyes and seem innocent.
"Harry if there's anything you want to tell me, I'll listen." He said. "Is there anything? Anything at all?"
He knows, Harry thought desperately, his breathing starting to come uneven as he stared at Remus in almost a panic. Harry quickly shook his head but Lupin took his forearm. Harry gasped and wrenched it away, falling off the chair and landing painfully onto his back.
"Harry!" Lupin said quickly. Harry didn't pay much attention as he quickly backed away from the man, the pain flaring in his back causing him to forget where he was for a moment, and his eyes pictured a large hulking figure stalking into his bedroom, a malicious grin on his face. He backed away until he reached the wall, where he held his hands over his head in a protective motion.
"Harry?" Lupin said carefully.
But Harry didn't seem to want to listen. He was still in a state of continuous panic and his breathing was uneven, his back screaming from pressing himself on the wall so hard, but he couldn't seem to stop. His knees were drawn to his chest in a protected motion and his eyes were closed, trying to block out the images of his uncle's beating, but it wasn't helping at all. There were sounds around him, but they felt oddly distilled and nothing seemed to make sense.
"Harry! Open your eyes, its Sirius! Your okay, it's just you me and Remus. Nobody else, breathe." The voice seemed distant almost like an echo. However, the voice was also calm and soothing, and was such an opposite tone from what had been ringing in his ears that he couldn't help but feel his muscles loosen a little and his erratic breathing starting to slow.
"Good job. Now listen to my voice okay?" They said. Harry gave a quick jab of a nod. "Good. Take a deep breath, and hold it for five seconds and let it out." Harry complied, holding his breath and letting the voice count for him. "Good, now let it out. Now, what I want you to do, is open your eyes, okay?"
Harry shook his head. He didn't want to face the reality of openings his eyes and finding his uncle towering over him in a fit of rage.
"It's okay, Harry. I promise you that you are perfectly safe." The voice said. "It's just you Remus and me. Nobody else. We're in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, and it's just us. Can you open your eyes for me?"
Grimmauld Place. He remembered that name. Very hesitantly, he opened his eyes, ready to see a pair of dark eyes filled with hatred, puce fists raised and ready to attack. But when he blinked and looked around, he found he was sitting balled in the corner of the basement kitchen in Grimmauld Place, with Sirius crouched in front of him looking pale and worried and Professor Lupin hovering behind him, fingering his wand in his right hand and staring at Harry in a mixture of shock and worry.
"Harry, look at me." Sirius said quietly. Almost hesitantly, he looked into Sirius's eyes. "You're alright, I promise you, nobody is going to hurt you here."
Harry suddenly realized what was going on, and his eyes widened when he realized what he did. He ran his fingers gently through his hair as he felt his stomach drop.
"Oh, Merlin," He said quietly. He wanted to get up and run from the kitchen and get away from the worried faces that were staring at him, but he didn't think he had the energy or the opportunity to do so, since Sirius was hovering in front of him. Instead, he found himself with an overwhelming desire to be comforted and dived forward, hugging Sirius tightly around the neck and burying his face into the crook of his neck. To his relief, Sirius returned the hug, gently rubbing circles on his back. Harry was so grateful for the return of affection that he didn't even notice that Sirius was rubbing over the bruises on his back.
Harry wasn't sure how long they had held the embrace, but personally, he felt like he didn't care. He was sure that he heard Sirius and Professor Lupin talking, but he wasn't paying attention. He was so comfortable where he and Sirius sat that he hadn't realized he was falling asleep until he felt Sirius place his hand on his back and under his legs and lift him from the ground. He jumped a little bit, but he felt too tired to be panicked. The person holding him didn't have a death grip like his uncle and he felt safe. Harry drifted off to sleep and for the first time that summer, he slept peacefully with no dreams for the rest of the night. All problems could wait until later, but for right now, he was going to enjoy the gentle bliss of the warmth and comfort that surrounded him. Something, that even though it was foreign, felt just natural.
Authors Note: Guess I'm continuing aren't I? Anyways, how many thought Harry was going to tell them everything here? The answer to when he will . . . well, in time the truth shall reveal itself, but when exactly Harry will tell, only my deluded mind and my outline can tell, which is in the back of my math notebook. What, you actually thought I do math in math class? Laughs Review please and tell me what you think! Thanks for the feedback last chapter too by the way, I never expected so many people to like this story!
Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day, Happy New Year and any holiday I forgot. Updates will come each week. If it changes, check my profile, I update it regularly.
BlondxCrayon