Chapter 2 – Panic Attacks and Sith Lords

Author's Note: Welcome to my first panic attack. Great. ;~~; So, I hope I didn't try too hard and mess everyone up, because I had a lot of fun! :D (I'm mean.) And I blame his mental status on being stuck into a five-year-old's body. ;;-;;

~ Rivana Rita

What's wrong with you? He hisses at himself. What is happening to him? What is wrong with him? He had been planning to wait until the Temple exploded. It would have taken care of everything. It would have fixed all his problems. But now here he is, lost and alone again. He's so, so tired. He wants everything to end.

Anakin stumbles across the rocky surface of Malachor until his legs finally give out and he falls to the ground. His weight is too different from what he's used to. His legs are human. They're human again. He's – he's not a machine anymore, which is a good thing. But what happened to him? He slides to the ground, burying his face in his hands. He doesn't feel like – he doesn't even know what he feels like anymore. His thoughts are jumbled, scattered, his responses delayed. He even has to keep remembering to breathe on his own. He doesn't even know what caused this. He doesn't even know what's happening. All he knows is that none of this should've happened in the first place, so how is he here and why is he like this?

He just found Ahsoka again, and he nearly killed her. He nearly killed his own little sister because he lost his temper. No. He doesn't even know why. It just happened. She's not your sister, part of him reminds. She left you, abandoned you. Like you told her. Now she betrayed you by telling them.

No, she didn't. She wasn't thinking clearly, and – nor was he. He doesn't even know what or why or... or anything anymore. Except one thing. He's dangerous. Uncontrolled. He can't stay near them. He'll only hurt them. He wants to go back, to find her, but he can't. What if he kills her like he killed Padme?

And he is absolutely not crying, his hands are just wet because... because. He doesn't know anything anymore. He feels overwhelmed and confused, and all those little things he's managed so well to forget are nagging at him. This stupid, childish body. He can't even think. He doesn't even know what to do. He's lost, alone, confused, just like he was back when – no. He's a Sith Lord, he – why is he trying to lie to himself? He's no one. Ahsoka already proved she won't support him, yet the General of him is trying to surface every time he sees her.

This wouldn't be the first time he's felt like this, he knows it. It's happened since back at the start of the Clone Wars. It usually took Rex and Ahsoka to calm him down – Ahsoka, his sister, who he nearly killed who walked away like everyone he ever had who rejected him –

He vaguely knows exactly what it is he's experiencing – it certainly wouldn't be the first time – and it would be so easy to reach for his anger. It strengthens him, gives him focus. The Jedi were wrong. Fear is not powerful. It's not the Dark Side. It doesn't strengthen anyone, at least not him. All it does is leave his mind muddled and chaotic, completely unable to focus. But he'd had enough of these... moments even as Vader, but it was so easy to stop it. If the pain he was in wasn't enough to keep him grounded all the time, the sound of his breathing would've been. But he has neither of those now.

He just tried to – he's a monster – she left – he's alone here.

He has no idea what's happening or how any of this is happening. He can't possibly be himself right now. He wasn't human. He's not hooked onto a bunch of machines anymore. How did this happen?

Ahsoka. Right, he'd gone to Malachor to fight Ahsoka, Sidious's orders. Then the little girl who looks so painful similar to that face that haunted his dreams ceaselessly for so long.

The world around him feels hazy, gray – not like there's much to see on Malachor – but he knows he's not breathing. He doesn't even remember how to anymore, but he tries anyway.

Especially now, his mind feels shattered, and he doesn't have a clue how to put it together. The factures were so prominent before – they had been since before he even Fell – and being crushed into something far smaller feels like it... ripped it apart maybe? There are so many parts of him trying to control him, and – and – one of them is insisting he can't do this alone, that he doesn't need to. But he has to. No one would ever help him. He doesn't need their help. He can't let them know that he – that he's weak.

Besides, he's dangerous. He can't put them at risk. His thoughts are running in circles now, and he's right back where he started, and it won't help, but nothing will or can help him anymore. He's alone. If only he hadn't called Ahsoka back in the temple. She would've happily left him, and he wouldn't have to worry about killing her.

A sudden beeping is what draws his attention first. It filters through the haze surrounding him and he raises his head. It was that droid, the one from the Jedis' ship. What's it doing here? The droid beeps unhappily. It wants him to go back. Back, where? He has nowhere to go back to. Did Ahsoka decide to send a droid to fetch him because she doesn't want to see him again herself? It'd make sense. He nearly killed her. She left him, she left –

It keeps beeping. It gives him something to focus on, but in a twisted way he doesn't want to, because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't even look at it, until something very sharp bonks his shoulder. He flinches again at the reminder he can actually feel again, but even if it hurts it's enough to know he can. Because really, even pain is better than never being able to feel at all. He should be glad. After all, he's spent years wishing he could know what it felt like for someone to touch him again. He should be glad.

He manages to ignore it until it grabs his arm and starts trying to drag him away. "Hey!" He nearly groans when he realizes how unbearably childish that was, and yanks away – throwing the droid down the hill in the process – the movement so quick he falls onto the rocky ground again. Feel it, he can feel the cold rocks beneath his hands. Reverting to a fully human body has left him rather unbalanced, to say the least. Especially one he doesn't remember anymore. He has no heavy armor to drag around with him everywhere he goes, just free. It doesn't help that he's feeling worn out now.

The droid beeps loudly and angrily, ejecting a mechanism which glows blue. He knows what that is.

For a moment, he can't breathe again. Air freezes in his lungs. Sidious stands over him, jagged bolts of blue-white lightning pour across him, unimaginable agony ripping through what's left of his body. Everything around him fades out, the pain being the only thing he can focus on.

"Chopper, I thought I told you not to try!" he vaguely hears someone yelling in the background, but it sounds too far away. Logically, he knows Sidious is light-years away on Coruscant, but he can't stop remembering. All those things that never bothered him much, or at least that he claimed didn't bother him. He should know he's safe, but it doesn't matter. There is no threat in the Force, but his mind... that's a different story.

He doesn't realize he's gathering the Force to himself until it explodes outwards, panicked and uncontrolled. It's suicide to fight, Anakin reminds himself, but he doesn't care. He can't stop. The never-ending stream of electricity. Pain, his constant companion. The surge of adrenaline pushes him to his feet. He's tempted to run, but he's shaking, unsteady.

"Anakin!" Ahsoka's voice breaks through the haze. "Calm. Just breathe!"

It's not until then he realizes that he isn't but forcing air in and out of his lungs right now is neigh impossible. He senses her coming closer and flinches again, remembering what happened earlier, but doesn't pull away when she touches his shoulder. "Anakin."

Sister, a part of him reminds. Daughter. Family. The one who was always there when no one else was. She's here beside him. That's all he remembers, and he lets himself focusing on it. He leans towards her, holding her arm tightly and pulling her down next to him. Before he'd have refused to let himself be comforted by her, but now he can't bring himself to care.

"Maybe we just need to get off the planet," she rambles, but he finds himself taking comfort in her voice. His breathing is slowly going even again, a faint semblance of calm returning. "It's a Dark Side planet. Everyone's being grouchy here. Besides, I think the Empire might find us."

Empire. No. He can't go back. What choice is there? Sidious will – he doesn't know and doesn't want to.

She keeps talking, and he finds himself slowly centering, especially now that something in the Force is nudging at him.

"You'll love our base," Ahsoka continues.

"Are you sure you should tell him this?" Kanan? They all came. Anakin raises his head finally, glancing around. The other boys are standing a distance off, Ezra looking concerned and Kanan just... being himself. Chopper sits innocently behind. Anakin's eyes narrow at the droid, suddenly remembering what triggered everything. It was trying to be threatening. He's not impressed, but he doesn't have the energy to be annoyed.

Something prickles in the Force, nudging at him, trying to draw his attention. Something is wrong.

"We should return to the ship," Anakin says abruptly, rising. Ahsoka stands up next to him. He slips past the others and heads back. He almost doesn't want to go. Maybe he should insist they leave him here? He doubts they'd agree to it, but they should. It's best for everyone. Something is... off. He might not be able to fight properly now that he's so small and unbalanced – Ahsoka is still holding onto him so he doesn't accidently faceplant – it's embarrassing that he can't seem to walk properly right now and is letting his weakness show in front of them – but he can still feel the Force as strong as ever. It's not the darkness that's nagging at him, but it is at the same time. It's a presence.

"What's that?" asks Ezra warily. "That's the Dark Side, isn't it?"

"We're on a Dark Side planet, remember?" Kanan reminds.

"No, something else..."

"Someone else," Ahsoka corrects, eyes narrowing. Suddenly Anakin finds himself looking at the girl he trained, not the five-year-old she is. He senses a presence, one not familiar to him.

The droid beeps in the background, but he pays it no heed. (It's bad enough the stupid thing already made him show his biggest weakness.)

Anakin picks up pace, suddenly hit with a strong foreboding sensation. They need to hurry. He doesn't know why, but something is very, very wrong. If not for his new body, they'd already be back. He's just not used to it, and he keeps stumbling. The others seem fairly unbalanced as well, but he's the worst. He doesn't remember what it was like to have a completely human body anymore.

By the time they reach the shuttle, the Force is tenser than ever.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," Ahsoka worries.

Everyone looks at each other. "You first," Kanan says finally.

Part of Anakin wants to snap, 'yes, because if there's something in there and it kills me you won't care,' but decides better of it. After all, why should they care? It doesn't really matter what happens to him. He's a failure, and that he can't deny to himself. He lost his mother, his father – both of them, actually – his wife, his unborn child, and even his sister, though the likes of her is currently staring at him with wide eyes. It was even him who sent his best friend, practically brother off to his doom with Ahsoka. It doesn't matter what happens to him anymore. Everything that could have happened to him has, and he has nothing left to lose.

Anakin steps inside cautiously, tensed and ready for action. On first glance, nothing appears amiss, but he knows there's something farther in. One by one, the other three and Chopper file in. The door suddenly slams shut behind them, as if of its own accord.

Ezra yelps and jumps away, tripping over nothing and falling flailing into Chopper.

Ahsoka grabs Anakin's arm, and the movement is so sudden he grabs for his thankfully non-existent lightsaber. He'd snuck it to a corner, where it still lays innocently, as if it doesn't belong to a Sith Lord. Kanan scrambles away from everyone, looking like he's certain someone's about to stab him in the back.

"I didn't expect you to return so soon," a voice declares darkly. Anakin whirls around. Maul. He'd recognize him anywhere. The former Sith apprentice steps towards them menacingly.

Kanan practically teleports across the room, cowering behind Chopper. Rather strange for a Jedi Knight to react that way. Anakin doesn't give it any thought, instead focusing on the Sith.

"What the – how did you get here?!" Ezra shrieks, jumping back.

"Maul," Ahsoka growls. "Should've known it was you."

"What do you want?" Anakin asks brusquely, pushing Ahsoka behind him.

"Curious," the Sith practically growls harshly. "How did children get here?" He looks between them slowly, and Anakin feels a presence probing his. He pulls his shields up tighter, completely concealing himself. "Who are you?"

"I think you know very well who we are," Ahsoka hisses.

"Leave," Anakin orders. Fear hammers at him – he knows full well he can't fight even if he has to, at least not with anything but the Force – but he does his best not to show it. From how tensely he's standing it's probably useless.

"You – I trusted you!" Ezra yells, bolting forwards. He looks positively murderous to the point Anakin almost wonders why he's spent so long trying to kill him instead of making in an Inquisitor.

"How curious." Maul walks closer, and Ahsoka drops into a fighting crouch which is pretty useless given her age. "When I sensed a disturbance in the Force, I did not realize it was you."

Anakin draws the Force to himself, preparing to fight. He won't let this Sith touch Ahsoka. "Leave," he commands. "Now." He's far from fearless, but right now his determination shines through it all. "Or die."

"Skywalker." He paces closer. "Now Darth Vader. I have waited for this moment for a long time. We meet at last."

"No!" Ahsoka shouts. "Don't you dare touch him." Except her voice betrays her fear.

Anakin glances at the lightsabers lined on the benches along the walls. He can't fight with them, only the Force. It's all he has now. The one thing years of pain at the Jedi and Sidious's hand haven't been able to take away yet. "You underestimate us." His voice is low in warning. Flickers of something assault his mind but he holds them back, not allowing himself to be distracted.

"I think not." Maul ignites his lightsaber and stalks the rest of the way forwards.

Ahsoka cries something he doesn't register from how far away she suddenly sounds. The ruby blade raises and slashes down towards him. Last moment, Anakin raises a hand. The blade slams into a shield felt but not seen, absorbing the blow.

Maul pauses, blinks in surprise, and then pulls back with a snarl. It slashes down again, with the same result. Ahsoka steps sideways, a flick of her wrist turning off the lightsaber. It's a rare trait, Anakin can't help but think, to be able to do that so simply. He taught her well. Maybe too well, a part of him darkly reminds as he remembers their fight in the temple. But no. At least she's here, she's still alive and in one piece. That's all that matters. Is it, though? Yes, he insists firmly, refocusing on the Sith Lord.

His raised hand turns sideways, and the Force tightens over Maul's neck, lifting him into the air.

"How does it feal?" Ezra asks darkly. "To have a taste of your own medicine? Maybe I should strike you down now. After all, that's what you told me. 'The next time you hesitate there might never be another chance' or whatever." He outstretches a hand towards where the lightsabers are lying.

"Ezra, no!" Kanan calls from where he's continuing to cower behind Chopper.

The Padawan hesitates, uncertain.

Anakin contemplates snapping the Sith's neck right here and now but doesn't. He doesn't even know why, but something stops him. Maybe that stupid, childish mind of his. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. Since when does he care about that? But still, the mere thought of seeing Maul limp and lifeless in front of him makes his stomach turn. "Get out of here," he growls, releasing him. "Now. Before I change my mind." He flicks the door open and throws the Sith out, not even bothering to let him start moving. One more second, and he might change his mind. Ezra kicks the double-bladed lightsaber out right before Anakin slams the door.

For a long moment, no one moves. "Chopper. Get the ship fired up and get us out of here," Ahsoka orders. She's back into her adult-self now, the one Anakin never got to see. "We don't need Maul to start cutting his way through." Chopper beeps and plugs himself in. Everyone remains motionless, eyes fixed on the door, until the ship starts taking off.

Ezra is the first to move, running over to Kanan. "Kanan, are you okay?" he asks, shaking his shoulder. Ahsoka runs over to him, and Anakin turns away while the two of them attempt to calm down the Jedi Knight who seems on the verge of a panic attack for no apparent reason. He heads over to the ship's controls, looking over them and eventually Force-jumping up onto the pilot seat. They need to get out of the system. He doesn't know why, but he has that feeling.

"Input the coordinates," he orders, steering the ship upwards until it's completely cleared the planet's atmosphere. "Take us to the Rebel base." The droid beeps and plugs itself in again. Seconds later, the ship streaks into hyperspace.

Anakin lowers himself onto the seat, suddenly feeling exhausted. They had been sleeping when all this happened, and he hasn't slept properly in... he doesn't even know. Probably since before the Clone Wars even started. Decades. He's completely worn out.

Ezra and Ahsoka are sitting on either side of Kanan who's now eyeing him warily. He seems to be intent on pretending nothing happened at all. "I'm not so sure about taking you there," he objects, crossing his arms.

"Got a better idea?" Anakin shoots back, jumping off the chair.

"I don't want to take you there," he snaps.

Ezra sighs and rubs his head.

Ahsoka jumps up and stalks off towards the firing mechanism of the ship. "Just forget it," she groans, disappearing around the seat. For a moment, he contemplates following her, just to... he doesn't even know. To just be with her, maybe? Alone?

"Anakin." A painfully familiar voice stabs through his heart and mind, the one he never wants to think about, who he's managed to force out of mind since... since the change.

"Forget about it. She's gone."

He remembers those words lancing through his already shattered heart that day, the one moment he lost himself so much he forgotten she wasn't at his side. And he remembers... someone. Someone he used to consider a family, who part of him aches for.

But then he remembers and wonders how he ever could. He remembers the fire, ripping across him. Again, the air just seems to freeze in his lungs. He's stuck there. Trapped. Abandoned. He wasn't good enough. The burning, all-consuming fire. Obi-Wan walking away.

"Anakin!"

Someone is calling him, and it's not until something – someone – touches his shoulder that he realizes something isn't right. That he's not there, he's – right. He blinks back to himself and realize he's not there anymore, and there's a pair of wide blue eyes staring at him. Long black hair falls into the boy's face, and his master hovers behind, looking rather uncertain.

Anakin slumps back against the wall, not even having registered ending up there. He needs to control himself. He's here, here with the other children. He needs to try harder to remember that. The past is the past. It can't hurt him. (Yes, it can.)