Chapter 6 – To Make a Choice

Author's Note: The second panic-attack I've ever written, so beware if it's weird. Also... there is a serious amount of heartbreak in here, so...

~ Rivana Rita

The distinct smell of smoke fills the air, the golden orange glow of flames casting haunting shadows across the scorched ground. "Anakin?" Ahsoka – the one as he remembers her, from when they saw each other again – moves forwards to crouch over him.

It's been mere days since he was able to live without constant pain – at least physical – but now that it's back, he can't even move. The constant agony that crushes him until he can't move, making him only want it all to end even though it won't, is back.

"Ahsoka?" he rasps. Everything was destroyed. Is she alright?

"You lead him here!" she yells suddenly, the worry in her blue eyes replaced by rage. "You told us it was safe, but you lead him here!"

"W-what?" He tries to push himself up but falls back to the ground. All this destruction, again, was his fault. All he wanted was to end it, but it didn't work. Why? Why is it that every time he gets himself involved with anything, he destroys everything?

"You did it on purpose, didn't you?" She glowers at him with disgust, and he finds himself struck with the sudden childish urge to cry. "You deserved it all, you know," she hisses, hovering over him. "Sidious should've left you there to die."

"He should've," Anakin echoes weakly, unable to argue the point. Had he died there, so many lives would have been spared. He only lives to hurt more, which is precisely why he was trying to die on Malachor. Something's not right –

"It doesn't matter now," she hisses, "You're not my brother. You killed him. You said so yourself. And then you tried to kill me."

He wants to protest, to say something, to scream in denial, maybe, but he can't. It's true. It's all true. He can't deny any of it. He nearly killed her, and – and... Sidious tracked him here, and he destroyed everything, the only hope of him being defeated.

"You thought you could run from me?" Sidious hisses, the dark-robed figure standing threateningly out from amidst the smoldering remnants of the base, or... he doesn't want to know what exactly used to be here when everything fell apart.

"N-no," he stammers, scrambling to get up. His thoughts are scrambled, erratic. This is wrong. Something is wrong, he doesn't belong here.

"Then kill her," he growls. "Kill her and prove yourself my apprentice."

Ahsoka. His little sister. He can't hurt her. Not ever. He can't, but he knows exactly what awaits him if he doesn't. Raw panic coils inside him. He doesn't know what to do. He can't defeat Sidious, but he can't – won't... hurt the one and only person left in his life. Even if she hates him. He deserves it. He can't fault her for it, and he certainly won't kill her for it. Ever.

A blood-red blade runs through her chest.

He can't move. Can't breathe. All he can do is stand, rooted to the spot and watching the life fade from her eyes. This – it – Ahsoka. She's gone. The one person he swore to protect all his life. The little girl he was entrusted with. He screams, the sound echoing off the barren terrain. His hand unclenches, letting the lightsaber fall to the ground. He did it. He killed her.

Nothing, nothing Sidious could do to him would be as bad as this. He just – just...

Jagged bolts of blue-white lightning slam into him, yet nothing can rival the empty void in his heart.

Why? It's that one thought that fills his mind, ringing over and over. Why can't it all end? He wants it all to be over. Why does he have to hurt everyone? Voices filter in through his thoughts, just to haunt him. Someone is calling him. No. He deserves this. All of it.

Someone is coming close to him. He lashes out instantly, a wave exploding outwards through the Force, shoving the person back. He doesn't know what they want. To hurt him more? Just let it end. He's so tired of pushing on. Why couldn't Obi-Wan have ended it years ago? He was supposed to help, but he only –

Someone's calling him again. He can't place it, only that it's a voice he always associated with family. With safety.

And then something touches him, something cold, and he jerks violently, twisting over. Anakin finally opens his eyes, expecting to see the ruined landscape, but instead seeing the grey walls of a small room. The –

"Anakin?" Ahsoka asks, pushing to the front. Ahsoka. He killed her, no, something's not right this has to be a dream. He watches her warily. Is this a trick? Something Sidious sent to haunt him even farther with?

Someone else comes forwards, someone he doesn't know yet she feels so... calm. Peacefulness laced with concern, but no intent of harm. "Anakin, do you know where you are?" she asks, crouching in front of him.

He wants to say he's dreaming, but something stops him. It doesn't feel quite right, but he can't actually be here. Maybe that's why he's too afraid to admit it, because he wants Ahsoka to be here. No, he wants his whole family, none of which can come here because they're all dead. He destroyed them all. And of those who are alive, it's best for them to be somewhere without him, where he can't hurt them anymore.

"You're on the Ghost," she continues when he doesn't respond.

The Ghost. Something about that sounds right, but strange at the same time.

"You know what that is, right?" someone else calls from across the room. Ezra. He doesn't know why the name clicks fits or sounds so right, or... he's missing something, and he doesn't know what.

"With the Rebellion," someone else adds – another girl, the Mandalorian, was it?

Wait... the Rebellion. Which Sidious came to destroy, and killed them all and Ahsoka... "Sidious," he blurts out. "He's going to come here looking for me. He'll destroy all of us, and –" He's rambling now, and he knows it, but he only feels half present and the panic setting in his beyond that he can control or even remembers how to.

"It won't be that easy," Rex insists, and suddenly Anakin remembers he was the first person who called him earlier.

So maybe... that was a dream, and this isn't? "Ahsoka?" he asks quietly.

"I'm here," she whispers, slipping around the Twi'lek and running into his arms. He grunts as a much-too-heavy Togruta slams into him and stumbles but holds her tightly even as her words from his dream replays over and over in his head. "I won't leave you," she promises.

He sinks to the floor, and she follows, curling up next to him. He wants to argue it doesn't matter anymore, that she already did, but the words won't come out. She's here, she's alive, she's safe, and that's all that matters.

For the first time in years, he lets himself cry, turning away from the others so they can't see. He can't let them see, but he can't hold back any longer.

"We're going to use up all the water in the base if I have to keep dumping it over his head," Ezra mutters. "So, I hope you don't mind being dripping wet or anything."

"I suppose I should thank you," Anakin admits grudgingly, scrubbing his face off on his sleeve. He doesn't care if they see. He is dripping wet, after all.

"Whatever we saw wasn't real, and it's not gonna be," Kanan declares. "We have to do something. It's the holocron."

"Of course, it is," Anakin replies, amazed by his own stupidity. He should have known that in the first place. He can't believe he let himself panic in front of these people. The only thing that doesn't make sense is why it was affecting him so badly. He is a Sith Lord – or was, because Sith don't cry in front of anyone, and he isn't nearly as embarrassed about it as he should be. He blames his five-year-old mind – after all.

"But I still don't get it," Ahsoka muses. "Why was it affecting Anakin? He knows the Dark Side better than any of us."

"Maybe that's why," he mutters darkly. The Force trying to punish him for his stupid choices? Sounds reasonable.

"I think there's a more logical reason to that," Sabine insists.

"Maybe because you're not as dark as we thought you were," Hera suggests.

He tries his best not to groan and nearly facepalms when he realizes how childish he's being again. "Just because I have yet to kill anyone doesn't make me good." He refuses to say the rest of the problem, but he will absolutely not tolerate a stranger mothering him. Ugh. "It doesn't matter anyway." Memories of the vision suddenly slams back onto him, and he pulls away from Ahsoka, standing up. He hates being so small. This is a serious matter. "I must leave. Sidious is looking for me."

"I'll go with you," Ahsoka declares firmly.

"No," he replies flatly. "I must go, and I have to be alone."

"Not happening," Kanan shoots back. "We're not letting you run around the galaxy alone."

"What do we need to do now?" Hera inquires.

"Get rid of the holocron, for a start," Kanan states. "If Sidious is really coming here, we have to be ready to take him down."

"You're not strong enough," Anakin snaps. "All you'll do is get yourself and everyone killed."

"Try us," Sabine huffs.

"Bad idea," Ahsoka interjects, "Skyguy knows what he's talking about, but we're still doing this together." He gives her a pointed look, trying not to remember the sight of her lifeless body, even if she was older. "We're family. We fight together."

He tries to pretend that does not in fact give him any serious warm feelings he hasn't had in well over a decade. "You'll die," he says instead, voice faltering.

"Then we're going to do that together too."

"If we're going to be ready to take down Sidious, we can't unleash a bunch of children on him," Zeb reminds.

"So, we have to reverse this," Ezra continues. "Okay. Ideas anyone?"

"The same way it was done," his master shrugs. "I don't know. We have to find someone experiences enough who might know what to do, but we have no way of contacting Master Yoda anymore."

"There might be another option..." Ahsoka shifts uncomfortably, looking at the ground.

"Who?" the Knight asks.

"I don't know if it was real, but in my dream, I saw someone... someone I thought was dead, but now I wonder if he actually is. He was on Tatooine. Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"No!" Anakin yells, eyes widening with panic, his shout drowning out everyone else's stunned responses. Memories of the flames burn at the edge of his mind, of pain far, far worse than anything he's ever felt. Of the moment his life was shattered beyond repair by the person he cared for most. "No!" A violent shudder runs through his body, and he scrambles away from everyone present, hardly aware he backed himself into the corner again.

"It's the best option, if she's right," Kanan argues.

Forget the best option. He doesn't care. He can't face him again. Not now. He can't. He's too young, he couldn't fight even if he had his lightsaber. "No!" he shouts furiously in pure desperation. "I can't –"

"I thought you, most of all, would be glad to know," Ahsoka frowns, studying him closely.

"Glad?" He has to restrain a semi-hysterical laugh. "F-for what?" They're going to take him there, even if they know how dangerous it is. They won't listen to him. For the first time, the Dark Side calls to him and he lets it come. He doesn't care his eyes probably just turned yellow again. Anger is so much easier to deal with. He can't let them see his overwhelming fear. "You said you wouldn't leave me, and that's exactly what you're trying to do."

"No, I won't!" Ahsoka snaps. "But I have no idea what's wrong with you! What happened?"

Just like back when they met. She's so insensitive. "We can go anywhere, but we are not going to him," Anakin growls, crossing his arms.

"We don't have a lead for anyone else," Kanan reminds, but their voices fade out in a blur of the memory of the heat of the flames and – His back slams hard against the wall, the sudden sound enough to jerk him back to reality.

"You can't take me there. He'll –" Try to kill him again? In some ways, that would be better. At least he wouldn't have to live seeing all the destruction he caused. But he didn't die last time and he should have and there are many – so many – things worse than death. He knows that much too well.

A strangled sound escapes him, and the surge of memories assaults his mind as much as he tries to hold them back. No, there's no time. He can't – he has to do something, something to stop them from going there. He's shaking, and he knows it. His breath comes in gasps. and he struggles to remember how to, but he can't. Tears flood his vision. Someone moves forwards to catch him when he finally falls. Someone, not Ahsoka, but... Hera? This doesn't make sense. Why is she helping him? They should... he shouldn't even be here, and he has to get out before Sidious finds him. There is nothing he hates worse than that feel of everyone is trying to kill him, and that's exactly what he has right now.

She's murmuring quietly words he can't make out, but her voice is soothing. And then he's being moved, passed from one pair of arms to another. The feel of cold metal hits him and a shiver runs down his spine, but it isn't that armor, and the person feels of warm and safety, so he clings to them and doesn't let go.

**w**

No one says a word as Rex disappears from the room with Anakin, Hera trailing after. Ahsoka is crying, again, and Ezra moves over to rest a comforting hand on her shoulder while attempting not to give into the urge himself. Something... something is wrong, and he doesn't understand what. He knew Anakin wasn't very happy from the start at the idea of getting a Jedi to help them, but never would he have expected that kind of reaction. "What happened?" he asks quietly.

"I don't know," Kanan answers, even softer. Ezra has never seen him so disturbed before, and it looks strange to see it on him when he looks so young.

"Are you sure Sith are evil?" Sabine inquires after another painfully long pause of silence.

"I don't know," Kanan sighs, "But I'm beginning to rethink all my life's choices."

"I've never seen anything like that before," Ezra frowns. "Something must have happened to him. Something bad."

"Yeah great, thanks for telling me something else I didn't already know," Ahsoka snaps. The atmosphere feels far, far too heavy, and for once he has no idea what to say.

"We have to go to Tatooine," Kanan says at last.

"We can't," Ahsoka retaliates, finally lifting her head. "I'm not leaving Anakin, and we're not taking him there against his own free-will."

"What choice do we have?" he asks. "I don't like it any more than you, but he can stay in the ship if he wants."

"Needs," Ezra corrects darkly. Something must have happened, and he really wants some answers. It would take a lot to make someone like Anakin react like that. In some ways, he's not sure he necessarily wants to know what caused it.

After a long moment, Ahsoka slumps in defeat. "Alright, but we have to ask his permission."

"I'm sure we can handle whatever he's worried about," Zeb unhelpfully supplies.

"We can hope," the Togruta mutters, "Because I know my master, and it takes a lot to scare him. Especially now, I can't even imagine what have caused that. Unless..."

"Unless what?" Ezra asks.

"Does anyone know how he ended up in that suit?" she asks slowly as if dreading the answer. The temperature in the room almost seems to drop.

"No idea," Sabine shrugs.

Ahsoka closes her eyes. "No, no, no, no..."

"What's wrong?" Kanan asks, but Ezra already has the serious feeling he knows, and he really doesn't want to, because some things are just too terrible to think about.

"He's been stuck in there for years, and... ever since the Purge." Ahsoka looks away, eyes dropping to the floor.

She can't seem to finish. "You think... he might've had something to do with it?" Ezra guesses.

She flinches and nods. "I can't imagine... what would have made him hurt Anakin, though. They were... always so close."

"Maybe Anakin just blames him," Kanan suggests slowly. "None of us are exactly rational right now."

"I hope so," Ahsoka whispers. "I hope so."