Chapter 8 – Conversations

Author's Note: In which they try and fail to re-age. :')

STOP!

If you're seeing this chapter and you HAVE NOT reread the previous one, do it.

Chapter 7 was rewritten and this chapter WILL NOT make sense without reading the previous one again. :)

~ Amina Gila

He's still not happy about this, but he's right next to the door and Obi-Wan isn't arguing about that. Yet. And Anakin suspects he's a little too tired to panic as much as he was earlier, but he still wants to run.

It's not as though he's unaccustomed to it, though, so instead he gathers himself and forces himself to look up at Obi-Wan. Their height differences are insane. "I'm sorry," he says, knowing and not caring how inadequate it is. There's nothing more he can do, anyway. "I didn't want you to get caught in the middle of this, and I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Who are you right now?" Obi-Wan asks quietly. His expression is closed off, and it's difficult to tell how he's feeling.

In truth, Anakin has no idea, but he won't admit it. "Not your slave," he replies instead, lifting his chin, pretending to be in complete control of this situation. It's laughable, but it makes him feel better, so why not?

Obi-Wan blinks, seeming momentarily confused. "Of course not. You never were."

"That's all I ever was," Anakin retorts. "You threw me aside the moment I wasn't exactly what you wanted me to be anymore." He tries to ignore how it makes him feel, but he keeps talking. He needs to say this. Sabine said he was free, and he needs to remember that. "That is exactly what Sidious would do, too."

"I would never do that to you."

"I was once foolish enough to think so, too."

"What has Sidious told you?" He's always so quick to blame Sidious, isn't he? And Obi-Wan did do everything he could, but it doesn't change the facts. It doesn't change what he did.

"This isn't about him," Anakin snaps. He flinches, nearly catching himself, then decides to keep pushing on, anyway – uncaring if it's suicidal. Why should he? Death is a mercy. "I searched for you for years. I wanted vengeance as much as I wanted you back, and you left me. Again." He inhales shakily, forcing himself to stand firm instead of backing away as he so badly wants to. "And I know you had no reason to, so don't say that."

"I still don't know what you are."

"No one does."

There's a moment of awkward silence before Obi-Wan sighs. "Perhaps you could have come with me, but it matters little. It's all in the past now."

Anakin scoffs. He can't help it. "Come with you? How, exactly? Crawl? Which time are you talking about? I did. Both times." Maybe he is trying to see how long it'll take before Obi-Wan reacts, because talking about this is… ugh. He wants it all to be over. He's tired of living in constant pain. It never goes away and now that he has the chance in front of him, he must… he can't resist. And even now, when he looks at Obi-Wan, some ridiculous part of him wants to see home and comfort like he did years ago. Anakin tries to banish those thoughts from mind, knowing full-well it's pointless, but he can't quite succeed, even if the larger part of his mind is screaming at him to stop intentionally antagonizing Obi-Wan and just hide.

"I see you've been practicing your sarcasm," Obi-Wan replies dryly. There's a weighted look in his eyes, but that's the most Anakin can detect.

"At least I'm not throwing you into fires anymore," he snarks back. Why did he just say that?! What is he trying to make happen, anyway?

"What do you intend on doing once this is over?" Obi-Wan asks.

"Who said I was intent on surviving it?"

"I think you're being extreme now."

"I'm not!" Anakin yells, with an unexpected surge of anger. "You hate me and Ahsoka pulled her lightsabers on me the moment she saw what I was, and she and Rex were happy without me. I don't have anything left! And don't you dare start lecturing me about being selfish or whatever."

"I had no intention of doing so," Obi-Wan replies. "This would be your choice. But I don't want to see you die."

"What if that's what I want?" He feels young, childish, just… He doesn't want to do anything anymore. He's just tired.

Slowly, Obi-Wan holds his hand out to him. Anakin eyes it, uncertain. "I am aware that I hurt you," he says finally, "And perhaps it would be better if you were… gone, but I cannot do that. I cannot be responsible for it."

Anakin shuffles forwards, slowly. He doesn't know what to say. A crushing weight settles over him, and Anakin has no idea how to handle it. "I don't want to stay like this." He loathes how much this reminds him of how it was with Sidious. He has no… say in anything now. He never has. "I just…" He wants to cry, is what he really wants.

"Anakin," he says again, and Anakin glances up at him, briefly. "If you're still in there… I would like to be with you again."

He can't say why he reaches out, taking Obi-Wan's proffered hand. He's maddeningly tiny, and he's still shaking, still scared, but he can't… let this go. "Then why didn't you try to help me?" he asks.

"You told me there was nothing left to help."

Somehow, Obi-Wan always makes it seem like everything was Anakin's fault. Which he's not entirely wrong about, but it still stings. "What was I supposed to say? Tell you that it's your fault? That's what I mean. I can never be what you want me to be."

"Anakin was everything I wanted him to be and more."

Anakin scoffs again. He can't help it. "Your memory is clearly not functioning adequately." Memories flit through his mind in rapid succession, memories of his padawan years. It infuriates him that Obi-Wan can say things like this, as though none of what Anakin went through then, none of the struggles he endured held any meaning. He hates how much he wants to cry.

He feels a flicker of something from Obi-Wan, and he glances up. Except that very movement, the angle, everything reminds him of – of Mustafar. Reminds him of lying there, the agony tearing him apart as he looks up at his master, who stands over him, rage and disappointment clouding his features. His heart skips a beat and Anakin pulls away, backing up. He needs distance, and he needs it now. He tries to ignore how badly he wants that contact back though. How long has he wanted it? How long has he wished Obi-Wan had either been merciful enough to end it, or to pull him out?

"He knew," he continues, "I told him. I told you."

"I hate you," Anakin growls. He might've actually sounded intimidating if he wasn't crying again. He tries not to but it's… It's just reached the point of too much and he can't stop, and he wants to fall to his knees and beg for Obi-Wan to finish this because he doesn't want to live like this anymore. He doesn't want to live at all, and it hurts so much and Force, he's so tired. "I spent years trying to do everything for you, and now you tell me it was for nothing?" And suddenly, he realizes he doesn't remember a lot of it clearly and maybe his mind was making all of it up, but he could swear they were all so real. "Why do you keep doing this to me?"

"Doing… what?"

He tries to wipe his tears away, but they keep coming. "I did everything for you. Everything. I wanted your acceptance, and you gave me betrayal." He inhales deeply, shakily. "You made me think you were someone other than the rest of the Jedi. You made me think you cared. It was a lie. It was always a lie. Don't tell me it wasn't."

"What will you do once this has been… undone?" Obi-Wan inquires.

Anakin glares at him. "All I care about is stopping Sidious. I won't let him hurt Ahsoka." He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He fears, the anger, the helplessness is grating on him. He can't ignore it anymore.

"And will that change?" Obi-Wan asks. "Once you have the mind of an adult again?"

"It's not like it'd even matter," Anakin snaps back. "If I go after Sidious alone, you won't have to worry about either of us anymore." He tries to ignore how part of him wonders, darkly, if there is truly a way to defeat his master. If he fails… Sidious will make him regret every last moment of his existence. It's not as though that could be worse than what he's already going through though. "Assuming you won't do it yourself."

"I won't pretend to understand your reasoning," he says, "But I still cannot trust you."

"You don't have to," Anakin retorts. "I don't trust you, either. And it's not as though you have a right to talk about trust."

"Neither do you," he shoots back. "You were a Jedi. We all trusted you."

Whatever's left of his self-control snaps entirely. "Talk to me again when you're done lying – but that'll never happen." He takes off before he loses the courage to do so, circling around Sabine who was standing right outside. A different time, he might have been touched, but now he wants room. He never wants to see Obi-Wan again. It's really quite simple – so why does part of him want to touch his hand again? To hold on and never let go?

Anakin squeezes himself into the vents when no one is looking. At least, even if they find him here, they can't follow.

**w**

Obi-Wan had gone outside to meditate and talk to someone and find answers, he'd said. Kanan doesn't know details and frankly, they don't matter anyway. He's more freaked out over how Anakin is acting than anything else. He was so obviously terrified and Kanan can't imagine what could have made someone like Vader scared. Even if he only has a child mind now, and emotions are being distorted, they don't create anything that wasn't already there. Appearances are deceiving, of course, because Vader's… poor condition is perfectly obvious on the outside, but it's so much more glaring now to see that his mind has been… as badly damaged as the rest of him.

And Kanan doesn't want to think about that. Everyone knew he and Obi-Wan were once close, and… yeah.

It's easier not to think, but he can feel Anakin in the vents – if he's trying to hide, he's doing a poor job because his emotions are screaming into the Force – and Ahsoka is sitting beneath him, looking very miserable. Sabine had to talk her out of following Anakin.

"I kind of feel bad for him," Ezra says – kind of is an understatement and they all know it.

Kanan does, too, but he hasn't forgotten what Vader was. He's a Sith Lord, and fear fuels the Dark Side. It shouldn't be so surprising that he's being consumed by fear now. The Dark Side is naturally out of reach for a child so young. It's unnatural. A very young child cannot truly make a choice to let themself be consumed by it. It's physically impossible. "We can't forget who he used to be," he points out, "But I do want to help him."

"That's what we do, isn't it?" Ezra asks, and Kanan glances at him again, idly wondering what would've happened if he found the boy earlier. It would be… Just seeing him at this age makes him almost wish he could have raised Ezra himself. If only Ezra had gotten de-aged a decade, Kanan can't say how much he'd actually want to change that. It would only be… fair for him to have a more peaceful, less lonely childhood.

"Yes, it is, but I don't know where or how we'd start." He's surprised by how much he wants to, but after seeing last night, he just… can't forget that. And he doesn't want to let it go.

"How about we ask Ahsoka?"

Kanan looks to the Togruta, still seated miserably and grumpily in the center of the room. She hasn't spoken to anyone in an hour. He almost admires her stubbornness. "I don't think she'll be very forthcoming, but let's try it."

A five-year-old glare should not be so fierce. It shouldn't be possible, but she bares her fangs and hisses when they approach. If she weren't so cute, Kanan would have left it and retreated. Except he's a Jedi Knight – at least he was – and he won't back down from a fight. He tries to tell himself it's to eliminate a threat, but it's really, really not. He just really feels bad for Anakin, okay?

Ezra sits himself across from her, undeterred. "We want to help him," he announces, "And we don't know how. Can you help us?"

Kanan physically restrains himself from facepalming: five-year-old minds. Seriously.

"If you need help to help someone, you're pretty much screwed," she snips back.

"Well, he clearly needs help," Kanan replies, "And I don't know what it'll be like after this is… fixed."

"What would you like to do? Hug him?" she snaps back. "I think we're a little past that!"

A little would be an understatement, but he won't say so. "I don't know! That's why we're talking to you."

"Well, I don't know either, or I already would have! I thought Obi-Wan would know, but ever since he came here Anakin's been even worse."

"Do we know why he Fell?" Kanan asks. It's pretty much a false hope, but it's a start. If they can find some loose ends, or an end at all, it'd be good.

"No idea," Ahsoka replies miserably. "I haven't had time to ask. I don't even know what to ask! It's not like I've been with him in years."

She has a point, and Kanan has no idea what to do about that. It's easiest not to act, but that will help no one. He can only hope the very fact that they want to is going to be enough for Anakin.

**w**

Ezra decides that Anakin looks marginally better when he returns, which isn't until Ahsoka sticks her head in there and starts screaming. Which was loud enough to make everyone's ears ring, and it echoes in the vents, so Ezra really does feel bad for Anakin.

Obi-Wan has finally returned from… whatever, and they're gathered in the main room of the Ghost to Talk. Anakin is in the far corner, squeezed between Rex and Ahsoka. Hera is next to Ahsoka, with Sabine on her other side. Zeb is standing awkwardly at the other end of the couch which Kanan and Ezra are sitting on, since there's not really enough room for him to fit here, too.

"I know how to solve this," he declares, "I can guide you. It will take time, and we will need to meditate together. Do you have a Jedi holocron? A center of Light will assist us."

"We do," Kanan replies, "I have one that my master gave me."

"Good," Obi-Wan replies, "I suspect if we do not act soon, this may become permanent."

That would not be good. "Then let's get going," Ezra suggests, jumping off the couch.

"I don't think it's so simple," Anakin objects. He's looking down, arms crossed, and Ezra can't help thinking about how small he looks like this. He's trying to be invisible and hide.

"The aftermath is what will not be easy," Obi-Wan replies.

"What?" Anakin snaps back. "Would it be easier to kill me now? Would that be enough to break the spell?"

"Actually, that would set it in stone, I believe."

"What, exactly, do we need to do?" Kanan inquires.

"We will need both holocrons, and somewhere undisturbed."

"Not a closed space," Hera objects, "I don't think Anakin would like that."

"It doesn't matter," he replies almost disinterestedly. Ezra knows better. He can feel how the maybe-still-Sith is upset at the prospect of being in such close proximity to his once master. Seriously, whatever happens, he hopes he and Kanan will never have this problem. He can't even imagine how much it would hurt to fear his master so much. Kanan took him in and cared for him. The same may not have been true for all Jedi padawans, but the idea is similar.

"Then we can go to Kanan's quarters," Ahsoka ventures, squeezing Anakin's hand. It's the first that she's spoken. "We best get started right away."

"Yes," Obi-Wan agrees. He still hasn't looked away from Anakin. "If you are ready."

"We are," Kanan declares. "Show us what we need to do."

Ezra jumps off the couch, casting a worried glance towards Anakin. He doesn't know what to do about him. He wants to help, but that's easier said than done. Behind him, Sabine stops to ask Anakin if he's certain, which he confirms before shuffling past the rest and entering Kanan's room. Ezra doesn't miss how he's pointedly keeping his distance from Obi-Wan.

"Are you certain about this?" Hera asks. Ezra can feel her concern.

"I am," Obi-Wan replies, "If the spell is broken, we can deal with Vader again. I have dealt with him before, and I can do it again if I must."

"We're worried for him, not about him," Rex interjects. "I have never seen him afraid before."

"Not of this nature," he replies, "But this is not the Anakin we once knew."

"If you say so, sir." Ezra can't help smiling at the clone's very roundabout way of saying 'I don't agree with you, but I won't argue with you'. Considering the circumstances, it's the best reply.

The other four enter Kanan's room, and the door automatically hisses shut behind them. For the first time Ezra finds himself hit by a sense of reluctance. He doesn't know why. He wants things to go back to normal so they can continue trying to help people. Shaking it off, he sits cross-legged next to his master.

They settle themselves in a circle, Anakin between Ahsoka and Ezra, and Obi-Wan between Ahsoka and Kanan. Anakin looks none too happy about the proximity, but he says nothing.

"How will this work?" Kanan asks, "What will we be like once the spell is broken?"

And Ezra remembers with a start that Kanan was blind when he returned on Malachor, right before they were de-aged. A surge of fear flares inside him. His master cannot have to deal with that again.

"I do not have an answer to that. I imagine you will be reformed as… what you were meant to be."

"As human?" Anakin asks faintly. There's a distinct note of trepidation in his voice.

Obi-Wan looks at him, and he quite nearly flinches. "Yes."

"What do we do?" Ezra inquires, trying to break up the awkwardness.

"Let go," the Jedi Master answers. "Let yourselves sink into the Force. It will take the Light to break off the spell."

"I don't know if I can do that," Anakin objects quietly.

"Then there will be no chance at breaking it," he declares, and why is there a note of smugness in his voice? "Either you must do it as one, or it will not be done at all."

Oh. Great. Ezra does not want to have to be re-raised, and he definitely doesn't want Kanan to be.

Next to him, Kanan is already reaching into the Force. Ezra immediately follows, and he feels the others doing so as well. The two holocrons are sitting in the center of the room. Ezra can feel them, one dark and one light, opposites in harmony. And when he reaches toward the Light one, he can feel the strange… film of darkness surrounding him, radiating from the Dark. And most odd, Ezra can feel a strange sort of reluctance. Part of him… likes being young again. He never was really taken care of before, and he wants to be again. Only, he wants Kanan to be an adult.

"Keep moving forwards," Obi-Wan's voice says, ringing out either aloud or through the Force. Ezra isn't certain. He's trying, but it's not easy, and all he can think about is the little part of him that doesn't want to let go.

Kanan seems to be doing better. He's actively pressed up against the wall. He's fighting it, trying to break through, and Ezra wants to help him, but…

And Ahsoka is lagging behind them, as if uncertain. Anakin is reacting similarly, and Ezra feels his half dark, half light presence pressing against the barrier as well, and for a brief moment he thinks it might break before Anakin suddenly, unexpectedly wrenches back.

Ezra draws back to himself, frowning. They were so close!

"You need to let it go," Obi-Wan repeats, "We will be unable to break it unless we do it together. Any form of reluctance, even subconscious, will hold you all back."

"Why can't I?" Ahsoka asks. "I don't want to be stuck like this."

"They why were you unable to reach it?"

"I don't know. It just felt so far, and I… maybe I was."

"We need to let it go," Kanan realizes, "All of us, or we won't make it. There really are no benefits to staying like this. We just need to accept that."

"The greater concern is the fear of what will happen when you break it," Anakin objects.

"Why would you be afraid of that?" Ahsoka inquires, confused.

Ezra can't say the answer for Anakin, but he can for himself. He wants to stay young, because everything is so much simpler. He can see Hera as… something of a mother so much more freely, because he's not really his parent's child when he's far too young for that. And it's not that he doesn't want them, it's that he wants Hera and Kanan just as much.

It's not as though being a teen again will change that, will it? It didn't before. If he's older, he can help people the same way no one helped him, until the Ghost crew, and he wants to help others the way they did him.

Like Anakin.

He can't do that if he's five. Staying like this is… selfish, and he wants to, but some things matter more. He can't even think normally at this age, let alone handle situations in a semi-mature manner.

"I do," Ezra declares.

"Can we have a moment?" Kanan requests suddenly, turning to him.

Ezra eyes him, almost warily, trying to ignore how disturbing it is to see him so young. "Sure."

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