Chapter 10 – Re-aging

Author's Note: I'm well aware that Vader is being very un-Vader-y, and I don't really know why. It just felt right when I was writing. I think it has something to do with how he's already changed how he uses the Dark Side, because children aren't capable of being so dark, and he doesn't know how to go back.

~ Rivana Rita

There's only one chapter left. ^-^

~ Amina Gila

"What were you doing out here, anyway?" Anakin asks instead. He understands how pressing this is, but he can't stop the fear smothering him. It's mostly dulled into an exhausted acceptance, the way it always does, but he doesn't want to think about it.

Most of all, he fears how he himself will change after they break it.

He knows there's some reason Obi-Wan chose Tatooine, and he can't imagine what. He senses the importance of it, and when he reaches deeper into the Force, he can sense... someone. Someone brilliant in the Force, as bright as the sun. "I sense it was important, and I sense someone. Did you already find a replacement for me?"

No, he doesn't care that antagonizing Obi-Wan is a very, very bad idea. It's the only thing that makes him feel less helpless.

"Nothing can replace you, Anakin."

He wishes he knew what to say to that, because he doesn't understand. It was so simple before coming here. He couldn't return to Sidious and tell him he failed to kill Obi-Wan again. He had to let go of what he truly wanted most – the feeling of home, of family – to serve his master, and now that he sees the faintest threads of that again, he doesn't know what to do.

And he can feel it in the back of his mind, the fire tearing him apart and the pain that followed in the months of healing, how it never did truly heal.

He can't face that again.

It's only the semi-adult part of his mind keeping him from breaking down entirely and demanding to know how Obi-Wan could have done that because Sidious told him over and over – it was Vader who betrayed the Jedi. It was him who betrayed everyone.

Even if the Jedi betrayed him first.

Pain gives him strength, and he tries to remind himself of that again, even as part of him curls away from the universe in a raw, blinding fear and how his mind whispers don't hurt me again, please, I'll do whatever you want, just not that again, master, I can't, I can't –

It's not as if his master would listen to his pleas any more now than before.

"You didn't answer the question," Ahsoka points out, breaking through his never-ending spiraling.

"I will give you the answers perhaps after he has proved his trustworthiness. If you are ready, I think we have waited long enough."

Kanan and Ezra take their seats again, and Anakin stands shakily. He's completely worn out with a bone-deep exhaustion no length of sleep can take away. He's too tired to keep moving and trying to drag himself forwards. Ahsoka steadies him, and they slowly move to reclaim their seats. "I'll do this for you, Ahsoka," he says at last, trying to ignore how it feels like he can hardly keep his eyes open. He's so tired. But he'll do it, for Ahsoka, because she doesn't deserve to have Sidious hurt her.

"Thank you," she says, and that's all. That's all there is to say, anyway.

Meditating near Obi-Wan is even worse. At least otherwise, he can try to block off the presence as much as possible. When he's immersed in the Force, he can feel it so strongly it hurts.

He tries to let go anyway. It's more a struggle to let go than to find and fight the barrier. The Darkness doesn't bother him. He's so accustomed to it. It's part of him.

But reaching for it makes him realize what will be waiting on the other side.

He doesn't want to face it, but if it means Ahsoka will be alright... he can hope. He'll try.

There's not as much reluctance for them to reach the barrier wrapped around them, and Anakin finds himself fighting himself more than anything. He can't reach out without feeling Obi-Wan's presence, which is enough to set him off.

The others reach farther, and they try to force the barrier back, but Anakin keeps faltering. No one mentions it. Ahsoka shifts a little closer to him to help steady him, and Obi-Wan – thankfully – has the sense to keep his distance.

Not that it's helping much.

The darkness feels as though it's smothering him. It's everywhere, curling around him and he's breathing the thick, icy darkness – it's a miracle enough he can breathe at all on his own, but now it's like he can't. It reminds him of when Obi-Wan left the second time, abandoning him unable to move or breathe on the rocky ground. But the darkness is a part of him, and Anakin reaches out for it, drawing it in, grasping it. Takes it and rips it apart, shredding it and breaking it free.

He can feel the fire again, tearing him apart. He sees glimpses of something – the other's lives. Kanan as a padawan, Ezra as a child and battling his own darkness, Ahsoka leaving the Order. He can feel for the first time how much it tore her apart, and afterwards, when she stood over the final resting place of so many of their clones – how most of all, she wanted Anakin with her again.

Sidious is going to come find them here if he senses the shift in the Force and Anakin should have wanted them. He should have done it elsewhere, and he can feel his Master reaching for him. Anakin shies away from it, but he can see so much of his own greatest fears and worst memories burning before his eyes.

All the things his child-brain couldn't process adequately.

He sees so many falling by his hand, and...

And Mustafar with all its aftermath, and every bit of went down between himself and Obi-Wan. He's fighting it, drowning in it. Let go, Ahsoka had told him, and he tries. Pain only gives you strength, he reminds himself, and lets go. He stops fighting, letting the currents of darkness take him to wherever they chose.

Ahsoka's presence latches onto his, and they keep moving together. Anakin senses the end moments before they reach it, and everything explodes.

He doesn't remember what happened next, except the world is fading back in painfully slowly, and he's so tired but that's normal, and someone is touching him. Confusion hits him first: no one should be able to touch him. Fear is next, as raw and blinding as it always is, because this shouldn't be happening unless Sidious is punishing him for something.

"Careful, careful," Ahsoka's voice cautions, filtering through the haze. "Don't touch him when he can't see you doing it." What?

He opens his eyes, blinking a few times, sluggishly, confused. He's not seeing through a red visor anymore, and it...

Oh.

Obi-Wan's face comes into focus next. His stomach plummets instantly. It does even farther when the memories of the past few days filter in.

Speaking of punishment.

"What now?" Anakin rasps. He sounds faint. As tired as he now is, but he's accustomed to fighting through it. His hand clenches instinctively as he fights the urge to lash out. He can defend himself again, even if it wouldn't be easy.

"Is destroying Sidious still on the agenda?" Ahsoka inquires.

The world twists and turns around him, and Anakin tries to push himself up but falls back onto the floor. "Yes," he says. "It – is." The need for vengeance burns through him, fueled by the desire to be free. What slave doesn't want to kill his master and free himself?

Ahsoka reaches for him, hesitantly. Her hand, light and gentle, touches his cheek. Anakin leans into it, unable to stop himself. She's wearing the same type of glove she used to, but it doesn't stop him. That he can feel anything against his skin save the faint tinges of leather and metal is so rare.

He raises his right hand, laying it over hers – it's the first time in his life he's touched her with this hand. He lost it before they met. He felt this when he was first de-aged, too, but that was different. He doesn't know why, but he feels more... like himself now, even if his mind is clearer than it has been in years. Right now, all he wants is to keep this, this light and fleeting touch.

"I'm not going anywhere," she promises, and he glances up at her. Her expression is one of sorrow, but he doesn't know why. He clings to her with a strange sort of desperation.

Ahsoka wraps her other arm around him, and he pulls her into his arms. Being this intimate with someone is... strange. He doesn't really remember it, and now that he's... however old he's supposed to be, it's much harder to handle these things.

It would be so easy to draw on the Dark Side, to let it fuel and consume him, but he doesn't... want to. He doesn't know why.

Instead, he focuses on her, and how he can feel in parts of him he hasn't been able to in years because they haven't even been there.

"You should rest," she says finally, pulling back. He lets her go, reluctantly, because he can't blame her for not wanting to be near him. He's a monster. He couldn't hold it against her if she never wanted to see him again.

Anakin settles back from her, sinking onto the floor again. He hasn't slept in a very long time. He hardly remembers what it's like. He doesn't want to, but he's so, so tired. He doesn't sense Obi-Wan nearby, and that leaves him feeling marginally safer. He remembers feeling the droids cutting into his chest, ripping him apart to be replaced with machines, and wonders if it would feel the same if Obi-Wan ran him through with his lightsaber – not as though he could do more damage than he already has.

He finds himself giving in, anyway, albeit reluctantly. It's so easy to sleep once he actually willingly lays down for the first time in years.

**w**

Ezra is beyond relieved to be himself again, and he tries not to think about any of the embarrassing things that just finished happening. It's awkward, but once they get back to normal, it no longer will be. That'll take time though. Kanan, no doubt, is having the same problem. He doesn't admit it, but he doesn't need to.

"Um," Ezra says, if only to break up the awkwardness. "I guess this is it. We might have won something from Malachor, after all."

Kanan nods. "It wasn't easy," he admits, "I thought for a time I might lose my sight, but we all came out whole. You did well, Ezra, but I highly recommend keeping distance from Dark Siders in the future."

"Noted," he replies dryly. He had trusted Maul, but the Sith betrayed them. He can't say what about Anakin was so different. He seems more loyal, but Ezra can't understand how. He still remembers their conversation, and he wants to say more about it, but doesn't know what.

From the awkwardness on Kanan's end, the same is probably true. They never spoke of the nature of their relationship before.

"I did mean what I said," Kanan reassures him at last. "You are my padawan, and that is... something similar to a child in nature."

Ezra looks up at him, grateful for the now-proper size and height difference. Talking about these things is always hard. He never grew up doing it, and he doesn't really understand the... closeness or emotional bond much of the time. "Kanan? Um. Thank you."

"Of course," he replies, holding his arms out. Ezra darts forwards, burrowing against him, marveling at how safe and protected he always feels with his... master-father-whatever. It's not something he ever thought he would have again, nor this feeling of family.

And speaking of family, he should really talk to his sort-of mother, sister, and their weird-brother-uncle-whatever-because-he's-very-old-and-still-acts-younger-than-Ezra.

Sabine finds them first, not as if it's hard to find them. They're not trying to hide. "Hey, you certainly look better now," she says cheerfully, leaning against the wall.

Chopper rolls up next, waving his arms and beeping, Zeb right behind. "Hey, kid."

"Tell Hera we might be able to head back to base soon," Kanan says, stepping back.

"'Tell Hera' what?" the Twi'lek herself asks, stepping around the others. There's an awkward pause as everyone looks at each other. Ezra doesn't envy either of them at all. He can't imagine how weird that would be.

It's a unanimous decision for the children to scram and give them space to talk without asking.

"I was really hoping you could stay small a little longer," Zeb complains, and Ezra punches his arm in retaliation.

"That would get really boring quickly."

"It cancels out," Sabine replies, perching on the edge of the couch in the common area. "A tiny Kanan would be a nightmare."

"Did you just agree with him?" Beneath the chaos of it all, he can see the truth – that they really are grateful to have him back. No one knew who would return from Malachor. Everyone knew everything would change, whether for better or worse. Now that they're all together again, it's... relieving. It feels like he can sit back and breathe for the first time since before... maybe ever, because before joining the main part of the Rebellion, there was still the Grand Inquisitor after them.

Now they can just be, without Vader (who is hopefully having some much needed talks in the next room), without the Inquisitors, without the Empire chasing them for the first time, even if it'll only last a few hours, and he's grateful to have that.

**w**

When Anakin finally reawakens, it's to Obi-Wan. He shouldn't be as upset, but it almost feels as though Ahsoka is betraying him. She didn't though. It was only Anakin. Vader. Whoever he is. Anakin pushes himself upright. "Finish it," he orders sharply, bitterly.

"No," Obi-Wan replies. He's trying to gauge something, and Anakin loathes how it feels like he's being studied. He's not an object of interest. It reminds him of how Sidious looked at him; thoughtful, possessive, as though searching for the best way to take him apart – which was sometimes literally true. "I cannot."

"Why?" Jedi are... merciful, but he doesn't deserve that. He knows that. (So, why does it hurt?)

"You know why. I explained it before."

He doesn't know why he's still so exhausted. Maybe his lack of ability to sleep for nearly two decades is catching up to him now. Yes, he knows, but he doesn't understand, because Obi-Wan isn't selfish like that. He never has been.

But he promised to destroy Sidious, and he wants to, only that will lead the Empire to ruin – there is no one else who can take his place.

It will also leave him without the only person he's ever had.

He doesn't know what to do.

Earlier, when he was still... young, Obi-Wan had offered to be with him again, except he doesn't believe it. Vader had tried giving him the same, and he refused.

"Then where does that leave us?" he demands sharply. The lack of his armor leaves him feeling exposed in a way that he loathes. It hurt but it gave him power, and it was his destiny. His armor concealed him, but now he's... open. Readable. It makes him feel vulnerable, and he loathes that. Anakin pulls himself to his feet; it's the only thing that makes him feel... more in control.

"That depends on you. If you intend to remain true to your word."

It's like Sidious spoke with him. With a start, he realizes that Obi-Wan does want him, in his own way – wants him the same way Sidious did. His anger and resentment flares, and he draws it in, letting it fuel him. "Eliminating Sidious will only serve to escalate chaos in the galaxy."

"You intend to betray us?" he asks tightly.

Anakin looks away. He doesn't – Sidious saved him. He put him back together and took care of him and gave him belonging when no one else did, but he just... got himself back because of Obi-Wan and Ahsoka and the other Jedi. He doesn't want to do that again. He never has, but he's never had a choice.

He's always wanted out, but there's never been a way. Now that he has one, he doesn't know if he wants to take it. He doesn't know if he can, and more importantly, if he deserves to.

Ahsoka had wanted him, though. She wanted him, somehow, after everything. He can't imagine why, but he wants to make the best of it. That's all he does know. Only how does he know she won't leave him again?

"I am unclear as to my place in the galaxy," he snaps back. He needs room to breathe, to think, to try sorting this through. The bright Force-presence he senses catches his attention, and Anakin files that away for later assessment. Right now, he needs to focus on this conversation that will likely determine his fate.

Not as if he wants to live anymore, anyway.

"I do know, however, that this little Rebellion has no chance against the Empire. So long as it remains, more lives will be needlessly lost."

"It's the Empire who takes them."

"And it is you who chooses to fight, knowing what it will lead to." Being near Obi-Wan, even as an adult, is hard. He's not as small and doesn't feel so vulnerable anymore, but it changes very little about the fear clawing inside him.

But earlier, Obi-Wan had offered, and...

He doesn't want to refuse. He wants to stay here, stay with them, despite it all. Even though he has an Empire to fight for. Even if he has Sidious to serve.

He doesn't want to do that anymore. He needs... time to think it through, but time is something they don't have.

**w**

"It's so good to have you back," Hera says, smiling.

"It's good to be back," Kanan replies. He does not want to think about how embarrassing the past few days have been. It's relieving to see her at the same height, and more than that, it's relieving to see her at all. Maul had blinded him. When the spell broke, it reversed him to his body before that. He can't quite say how it worked or what it did, but he's whole, and he was healed from that. It's more than he could have asked for. He can't imagine having to live the rest of his life blind. "It seems our mission was a success."

"Yes, it was," she agrees with a soft sigh, "I don't know what to think about Anakin."

"None of us do." And he still doesn't. It's perfectly clear that he doesn't want to stay a Sith, but Kanan doesn't know if that will be enough. He can only hope it will be, because the rebellion just found a safe base, and relocating would be difficult. They have nowhere else to go, and it may not even matter. It would be very easy for Vader to cut through everyone who tried to stop him. He took down both Kanan and Ezra without even trying. Anakin was one of the best duelists in the Order. Confronting him would not be easy. "We can only hope he's loyal to us. He cares about Ahsoka."

"I think he cares about all of us," she replies, "Even if he doesn't want to admit it."

The feelings are mutual. Kanan doesn't want to think about how he personally feels on the matter. It's true many Imperials are not fully evil and that many are conflicted or simply don't see the full truth of the Empire but seeing Vader's conflict makes him question how true it is for others. It's easier not to think about, but it also gives him hope – if they can find more insiders, it will benefit greatly.

"We were talking about going after the Emperor himself."

"That would mean making it to Coruscant. I don't know if we're well-equipped enough for that."

"I'm sure we can figure it out." He can hope. Hope is what gets them through. That and faith in the Force.

He never realized how fortunate he was to see until now. Sensing with the Force is one thing but seeing it – watching her emotions play out over her face and in her eyes, the way her lekku swing when she moves as she talks. It was like that with Ezra, too – he never knew quite how much it meant to see his padawan smile. How much it meant to see him look happy.

**w**

It's good to be back. Ahsoka leans against the back of her seat, eyeing Zeb and Ezra who seem quite content with beating each other up over a round of Dejarik while Chopper wildly wishes doom on everyone in the background.

She still isn't exactly sure how they managed it. But being stuck in the body of a five-year-old was an absolute nightmare. At least she has Anakin back, and that's all that matters even if he's struggling. At least he's here, and they can work things out together. This time.

The moment everyone got turned back into... well, how they were supposed to be, Kanan disappeared off to have a long talk with Hera. Or whatever else, but they've been in there for at least an hour.

Ahsoka hopes they'll be leaving Tatooine tomorrow, but that will really depend on Anakin and Obi-Wan. And whenever they finish their... talk. She can only hope it was really a good idea to leave them alone, but she didn't really want to sit in there and make sure they talk, because, well, she doesn't know what happened. And if she's being honest, she doesn't want to know.

She has no idea if they'll sort anything out, but since she hasn't heard anything that sounds possibly lethal, she'll keep waiting. And maybe, if they are lucky just this once, they'll work together long enough for Sidious to be destroyed, and sort things out by the time he's dead.

This – this is nice. She feels at home again, marginally, and for once, she lets herself wonder what things will be like after the Empire. What they'll rebuild together, because she's staying with Anakin, whichever path he chooses.

It's still hard to understand, much less accept, that she has her brother back. And he's – it's strange to see, if she's being honest, but he's fully human again. After eighteen years, she can't even imagine what that must mean to him.

And these people are her family, together again, even if they've spent years apart. It's not something anything can ever make up for, but they have much of their lives ahead of them yet. Even if Ahsoka is the only one, she's fully intent on pulling them all back together and keeping them this way.

Her brothers – Rex and Anakin – seem to be on relatively good terms, though they have yet to actually talk to each other. They're the only ones. Obi-Wan has a long way to go fitting in, and for Ahsoka to trust him, but she's glad he's here. Her and Anakin have a long way to go themselves, but all that matters is they're willing to try for each other.

And this time, not even the most powerful Sith in the galaxy is taking them apart.

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