Title: I Love You Too
Summary: SANA. Sequel to 'Recon Mission'. She felt such intense feelings for him that sometimes she found it hard to distinguish love from hate. Whatever she felt, it was strong, and amazing, and ran through her veins like fire.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.
Author Notes: Lucky number 7. No idea when this series is gonna end, when I run out of ideas most likely, or when Sawyer and Ana iron out all their issues. So that might take a while. Anyways, enjoy! This takes place like seconds after the last one left off and it's all about COMMITMENT ISSUES. Dun, dun, dun...
I love you too.
Ana turned the words over in her head, certain that she'd gone crazy because why else would she hear (well, feel) the words come out of Sawyer's mouth? Unless he... No, of course he didn't. She couldn't even go there.
She hadn't even realised what she'd said until the words were out of her mouth. Then she'd almost had a heart attack, her breath catching in her throat and not letting her take in anymore oxygen. Then he returned the words. That hadn't helped her breathing either. In fact, she'd almost started hyperventilating in an effort to drag in some air. Talk about commitment issues.
She hated the way she had absolutely fallen apart at the first sign of any attachment of the romantic kind. Especially since she'd said it first. And she'd meant it. At least, she thought she did. She was sure she did. Yes, she did, of course she... Did she? God this was confusing as hell. Her head was practically spinning thanks to the many, many thoughts that were flying around in there.
She felt like in the matter of a few seconds she'd gone from knowing exactly how she felt and what she wanted, to being absolutely paralysed with a fear that she knew was completely irrational. God, wasn't Sawyer meant to be the one who freaked out at the first sign of commitment? Love 'em and leave 'em, didn't she hear one time? That would have made it so much simpler.
Life was simpler when the only emotions were hate, lust, anger and pain. Sure it hurt, but not as much as when you got burned by lost love. Not nearly as much.
What if Sawyer got sick of her? Or tired of dealing with her shit? He would leave her like a shot if he knew about how fucked up her past had been, how fucked up she still was.
Then she realised that Sawyer was staring at her. And that she was having her own little private freak out in front of him. And that if she didn't stop thinking bad thoughts and pulling retarded faces, he would get really freaked out. And if there was one thing she didn't need right now, it was Sawyer joining in on her freak out. After all, it was her freak out.
"Are you okay?" Sawyer asked curiously, studying her as if she was about to pop or something. Maybe she was, she sure did feel like it.
"Fine." Ana choked on the word, knowing that it sure as hell wasn't true. And, judging by the look he gave her, Sawyer knew it too. She tried to use her crutches to steady herself because suddenly she wasn't feeling so stable. And she knew she had to get out of here.
"Listen, I need to go for a walk. Clear my head, y'know?" She said and Sawyer raised an eyebrow.
"You probably won't get very far." He said and she was about to make a smartass comeback when she saw his eyes flick down to her leg. Damn.
"That's not the point." She said and (with a hell of a lot more grace than last time), pivoted and began to swing herself gradually down the beach.
"She'll be back." Libby said, from behind Sawyer, and he turned to face her and grimaced.
"I hope so." And Libby knew that Sawyer didn't just mean in the physical sense.
----
Ana had no idea of where she was going. And Sawyer was right, she didn't get very far. Giving up on navigating through sand, she opted for the jungle track instead. It had a harder ground, and despite the roots and vines, it was definitely easier. She found a large tree and sat against the trunk, resting the crutches next to her.
She needed to think. And not just crazy think, but actually think. Is this what she wanted? Was he what she wanted? Yes, of course. Ana Lucia, without a doubt, wanted Sawyer. But did she love him? Could she say, without even the tiniest niggling of a doubt, that she loved him? And that she would continue to love him for longer than she had ever felt for anyone else? Well, it wasn't all that long, but it was still a challenge for her. She was able to fall in and out of feelings easier than Sawyer fell in and out of women's beds.
Sawyer was a good man, she had seen that, but sometimes Sawyer was a not so good man, she had also seen that. And he felt for her, if not love then at least lust. And she felt for him, she felt such intense feelings for him that sometimes she found it hard to distinguish love from hate. Whatever she felt, it was strong, and amazing, and ran through her veins like fire.
She felt it pound in her ears and threaten to swallow her whole if she didn't do anything to stop it. She didn't want to stop it. This feeling (whatever it was) made her feel more alive than she had in years. She didn't want to let that go, at least, not yet. Maybe when she would be able to when she finally learned how to make herself happy, or when she could stand on her own two feet without the feeling... But that would never happen, she'd tasted what it was like, and she was hooked. She knew she couldn't stand to be without it, not after she had finally found it. She needed it.
And in that moment she knew it wasn't lust, or hate. It was something she'd looked for her whole life. It was love. And that scared the shit out of her.
----
Sawyer wasn't usually one for contemplation. The whole 'I'll share my feelings, you share yours' had never appealed to him. He'd once called it gay and didn't get any dessert afterwards. But at the moment he couldn't stop the steady stream of thoughts which ran through his mind unchecked. He was playing the part of the paranoid boyfriend who had made the cross into Commitment Land, only to find himself alone, quite well.
What if she hadn't said 'I love you'? What if it had been a mistake? What if he'd now scared her off thanks to his forwardness? He wasn't the type to shout things from rooftops, in fact he wasn't the type to say it at all, but now he had. And it had made Ana run in the opposite direction. God, he was so stupid. If only he hadn't said it...
But he meant it. He loved her with every ounce of his being. It might have taken him a while to realise it, but he knew it now.
He remembered when he was younger, he asked his mother what it was like to be in love, and how he would know when he was. To this she just replied, with a knowing smile, that he would just know. That he would feel it every time he thought about, or saw, her. At one time he was certain he loved Kate, he made himself believe he did, but he always knew that deep down he didn't. Then he met Ana, but he was still chasing his tail over Kate so much that he didn't realise what was right in front of him.
At first she intrigued him, made him wonder what was going on behind that hard ass exterior. Well, she actually pissed him off at first, but he wasn't one to hold a grudge against a beautiful woman for long. He wanted to learn more about the Latina who had punched her way into his life. The more he learned, the more he was drawn in. And somewhere along the way, he fell in love with her.
He wasn't sure exactly when he had, but if he had to guess, it would have been on her third night rooming with him in his shelter.
He was still in the throes of the cold he had thanks to going blanketless the night before. It didn't help that it had gone below zero either. He had piled on the layers, but had only ended up in a cold sweat. He was now wrapped up and sitting in front of the waning fire cursing the extreme weather of the island.
"Are you coming in?" Sawyer twisted around to see Ana standing in the entrance of the shelter, leaning against frame.
"I dunno, I figure I could just stay out here and... y'know... die." He said as he tried to take in a breath through his blocked nose, something which didn't really work out so well. He saw the guilt flash across Ana's face and felt a little victory at that. Ana rolled her eyes, the guilt disappearing.
"Come on, Cowboy." She said, going back into the shelter, obviously meaning for Sawyer to follow. Sawyer grinned and followed her, apparently even a big sickness couldn't keep the patented smirk at bay. As soon as he entered the shelter he had something thrown at him. The blanket. His eyes moved up from the blanket to Ana's face, which was emotionless. He opened his mouth to say something but then changed his mind.
"Thanks." He said and Ana nodded.
They settled down to sleep, Ana facing the wall with her arms wrapped around her to keep out the cold. It wasn't as cold as last night, but it was getting there. Sawyer watched her from the opposite side of the shelter as the chills began to set in, making her shiver. But still she didn't say anything. Sawyer rolled his eyes at her pigheadedness and moved closer to her, laying the blanket over both of them.
He felt her shift slightly and hoped it wasn't her getting ready to pin him down and rearrange his facial features. But she didn't. In fact, if anything, she moved closer to him and after a while the shivers ceased. Then she turned to face him and they shared a moment as they looked into each other's eyes. It was one of those moment. The moment when the sexual tension was obvious and Sawyer would've given anything to lean down and kiss her but...
"You like your face?" She asked, her face not changing in emotion. Sawyer, caught off guard by this, just opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. Then Ana moved in closer, snuggling into his chest and closing her eyes. She continued, her voice showing that she was smirking heavily, "Good, so you won't pull anything then." And then she let out a contented sigh and Sawyer couldn't help but chuckle softly.
God he loved her.
That was the first time he'd really consciously thought of the 'l' word in regards to Ana. And it had freaked him out. Then he looked down at Ana and it disappeared, replaced by a fuzzy kind of feeling which made him grimace at himself. He pushed the hair out of her face and wrapped his arm around her, which made her move in even closer. Sawyer could now feel her breath on his neck and her hair tickled his chin. He smiled, and softly pressed his lips to the top of her head before closing his eyes and going to sleep.
God he loved her.
He smiled at the memory, it was one of the good ones from his life. Especially since most of his life had been spent on the run. Now he had nowhere to run, and he didn't want to run either. But apparently, she did.
Damn it, I'm such an idiot, he thought and cursed at himself, kicking the sand up in a great spray.
----
Ana's thoughts weren't all that different from Sawyer, in fact, they were exactly the same.
She was trying to remember why she had run in the first place. Sure she had the whole commitment freak out, but she was now starting to ask herself, 'why?'. Sure, she'd been hurt before, but she knew that Sawyer would never hurt her, at least not intentionally. Despite his reputation as a plater, they were also friends and Sawyer was a fiercely loyal friend who would rather throw himself on a sword than hurt his friends.
She was starting to wonder how she could have ever been suspicious of Sawyer's intentions. She was starting to wonder why it had taken her so long to realise that she loved him. She was starting to wonder why her mouth had known it before she had. But most of all, she was starting to wonder why the hell she was still sitting here thinking about how she loved Sawyer, when she should be telling him.
So she gathered her thoughts, gathered herself, and started to limp back to camp.
When she finally reached the camp again her arms were starting to ache and she really hated this whole not being able to walk on her own two feet thing. Then she spotted Sawyer sitting at the waters edge and she realised that this was an opposite of how things usually were. And maybe that was a good thing. Well, considering how she'd treated Sawyer, she certainly didn't expect him to come running after her.
She sat next to him, no longer caring about being graceful as she collapsed on her ass. He turned to look at her and her brilliant crash and Ana saw the pang of hurt that went across his face and grimaced. Sawyer covered his pain with a grimace of his own, before turning back to watch the sea. They were both silent, Ana trying to muster up the courage to say what she'd spent the last hour or so agonizing over.
"You enjoy the walk?" Sawyer was the first to speak, looking at Ana without his usual smirk that said 'There's a dirty connotation in there, even if ya can't see it'. Ana just swallowed and nodded, who knew she'd miss Sawyer being a smartass?
"It was good. Helped me figure out some things," She said and Sawyer nodded stiffly. Then Ana rolled her eyes and admitted, "Even if I didn't get very far." This managed to bring back Sawyer's grin, which made Ana grimace as they both chuckled softly.
They went silent again and Ana scratched at the scab on her forehead, picking at it. Sawyer saw her do so and tutted.
"Don't pick at it." He said and took the offending hand in his, taking it away from the scab. She just rolled her eyes at his almost maternal response, then they both realised that Sawyer's hand was still holding onto Ana's and their eyes connected. Okay, that definitely wasn't maternal. Good thing too. They both started to lean forward unconsciously, eyes closing slowly.
"And Cowboy," Ana whispered, still leaning in.
"Yeah Chica?" He asked her, they were practically kissing, their faces inches away from each other.
"I love you." She whispered. Their lips were so close that they were practically touching and she could feel his breath on her face. And she could feel the way it hitched when she said 'I love you'. Suddenly Sawyer pulled back and Ana felt the pang of hurt that Sawyer must have been acquainted with when she had taken off earlier. She saw the confused expression on his face and she felt her stomach drop, this was not going to be a smooth ride.
"Is this your little game or somethin'? 'Let's toy with Sawyer's emotions'?" Sawyer asked, half angry half hurt.
"I'm not..." Ana protested but Sawyer cut her off.
"I can't believe you." He said and his eyes flashed angrily at her before he got up and walked off. Grunting in annoyance Ana struggled to her feet and tried to follow Sawyer on crutches, unsuccessfully.
"Cowboy. Cowboy!" Ana rolled her eyes and took in a deep breath before shouting at the top of her lungs, "SAWYER!" This made Sawyer turn around, as well as anyone else within a 100 yard range. Ana just returned any curious looks with dirties which made them immediately go back to their own business. Damn, she loved the ones that were easy to scare off. But she'd never pictured Sawyer as being one of them.
When she finally reached Sawyer her arms were about ready to drop off at the shoulders.
"Damn it Sawyer," She was slightly out of breathe, "What. The. Hell?"
"You don't get to be the one who asks 'what the hell' Chica." Sawyer shot back, talking through his clenched jaw and Ana's temper flared.
"Excuse me? I tell you 'I love you' and you charge off, I think I have the right to ask you 'what the hell'!" Ana shouted back and Sawyer looked like he'd been slapped.
"Saying 'I love you' and getting walked away from? Sounds damn familiar to me." Sawyer retorted and Ana felt like the floor had dropped away from beneath her as she realised that he was right. He'd only done what she'd done to him first, even if it was unintentional. And now she knew exactly how it felt, how much it hurt.
"I did that because I had to figure something out." Ana attempted to explain and Sawyer rolled his eyes.
"What? How fast you can go in those crutches?" Sawyer asked snidely, gesturing angrily to the crutches and Ana winced, but she wasn't about to back down.
"No, I was trying to figure out what the hell I've been feeling. It's not like I've ever felt before and I don't know what's happening to me." Ana tried to explain what had been running through her head for the last hour, and sighed. At Ana's drop in defence, Sawyer did the same, the tense body language between them disappearing.
"Neither have I. But this," Sawyer reached out and took her hand in his, "This feels so right. And ain't that mean to be all that matters?" Sawyer asked and Ana looked up at him, her eyes twinkling with mischievousness.
"When did you get so smart?" She asked and he grimaced.
"Hey, I was always smart. I just never showed it." He said and his lips pulled back into a broad smile and Ana smirked.
"I'm sure." She paused and then took in a hesitant breath, "Are we okay?" Ana asked and Sawyer looked down at her, his smile gone as his eyes examined her face. In that moment Ana felt her heart leap into her throat at the possibility that it might not be okay. Then Sawyer broke into a wide smile which made the panic turn into something else, nervous excitement.
"Always." He said and Ana felt a smile spread across her own face. Sawyer let go of her hand and used it to trace her jaw line, running his slightly callused fingertips down it softly, his eyes saying it all.
"I love you." He said simply, honestly, and Ana smiled, feeling tears of joy spring into her eyes. She drew him into a hug, her hands wrapped tightly around the back of his neck. The crutches fell to the ground as she held him tighter than she had ever held anyone before, feeling like she never wanted to let go. She felt a tear roll down her cheek and she smiled brightly, easily saying the words that had haunted her earlier.
"I love you too."