XI:

Time felt irrelevant. Rafael had been in and out of the room for days, as had Cragen and Fin, so someone was always with Liv. As soon as she felt able to wean off the pain medicine and get up and around, things felt far less daunting. Her back and torso hurt something fierce and she could only lay on her stomach to sleep, and to sit up without discomfort, she needed to be propped up on about a million pillows – which she didn't have at home, she realized with growing despair – and she couldn't change her own bandages or check her own wounds. So she would be reliant on the generosity of everyone around her for the foreseeable future.

And, as such, she didn't dare risk pissing anyone off.

So she kept her mouth shut and her eyes down and kept one foot in front of the other, eyes on the prize of getting the hell out of the hospital and on the way to recovery.

Liv woke up one morning – what morning she couldn't say, but the sun was slatting through the blinds so it had to be morning – to Rollins at her bedside rather than Fin. "Hey," Amanda said cheerfully. "Good morning. Fin got called in so he asked me to sit with you."

She grunted non-committally and gestured for Rollins to come over to help. Together, they got her rolled over onto her side and got her legs under her so she could move with her get-up to the bathroom for relief. The early shift nurse had taken vitals before sunrise and let her go back to sleep, and therapy wasn't until 10, so she had time to kill. It wasn't like she was going to be doing kick-boxing any time soon, but she was more than capable of holding a squat already after three days mobile. She was hoping to get out and go home if there was no sign of infection and her remaining kidney was holding up under the new strain.

"How's lover boy?" Rollins asked when she came out of the bathroom. "Sorry – do you need anything on the bed or –"

"All the pillows in the cupboard," Liv instructed softly. "I'll raise the bed. They'll check my wound. I have therapy at 10. Why do you want to know about Barba?" She was glossing over details like the shower or sponge bath – which she got depended on how the wound looked, and she didn't want Rollins to think she needed to help with that.

"Fin said he's been around a lot," Amanda commented, pulling out pillows and carefully placing them behind Liv as she positioned herself with a lot of deep breathing, painful hisses, and soft moans as the tenderness bit through the remnants of the low-dose of pain medication. "Just making sure he's not taking advantage of the situation."

Liv opened her eyes and glanced at her co-worker. "He's trying to help," she said in Rafael's defense. "He really doesn't know where he fits in my life yet. Don't make it more difficult, please."

"None of us want to see you hurt again," Rollins said firmly, tucking the blankets around her. "Not if we can help it."

Liv exhaled deeply and murmured, "I know, but… give him a chance, Amanda. You might like him."

"Not likely," Amanda scoffed. "He's all flash. I bet he takes you on expensive dates and has a yacht and has an expensive apartment –"

Liv's lip curled into a tired smile. "Yes to the expensive apartment, no to the other two."

"Really."

"Yes, really," Liv said softly. "I promise he isn't what you think he is. He's kind, soft…"

Rollins snorted. "He ripped Rita Calhoun up one side and down the other in court yesterday. Utterly eviscerated her: it was a combined murder-sex crimes grand jury panel, crossing jurisdictional boundaries, and got her to settle without even seeming to try." She paused. "Liv, what did I say?"

"Nothing," she was quick to say. "Just some pain."

"Do I need to get someone?" Amanda asked in a panic, reaching for the call button.

"No!" Liv denied. "I'm fine."

"No – no, no, no, fine is not in pain," Rollins said sharply. "Do I need to get someone?" Her eyes searched Liv's face, then she said, "Or do I need to kick someone's ass?"

Liv chuckled weakly and closed her eyes, breathing deeply. "It doesn't matter."

"I will hunt him down and fuck him up – don't think I won't," Amanda warned.

"If you're referring to me," Rafael said from the doorway, "Liv has already threatened to shoot me if I misbehave." He strode in, dressed in a charcoal pinstriped suit, a pale blue shirt, an orange paisley tie, and a rust floral pocket square. "I brought breakfast," he said softly. "Your nurses approved it last night before I left." He gave her a soft kiss on the lips. "Good morning, Olivia."

"Hi," Liv whispered. "You've met Amanda?"

"Not formally," he commented dryly.

"In passing," Rollins said.

"Detective Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba," Olivia introduced. "Fin was called out this morning."

"Ah," Rafael said. "Detective Rollins, I hope you're good with a plain cream cheese on a sun-dried tomato bagel, as that was Detective Tutuola's request?"

Rollins shrugged. "I'll make do," she said. "What'd you bring Liv?"

"Plain bagel with sunflower butter and raspberry jam," he replied cheerfully. "And a fresh-squeezed orange juice."

"Please tell me there's a drink for me?" Rollins said.

"Hot black coffee," Rafael replied. "As I said, I was just fulfilling –"

"Fin's order, yeah, it's good," Rollins said with a small smile. "Thanks."

"I do have to run to a meeting with my investment broker," Rafael said, "but I intend to be back for your therapy at 10." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Okay?"

"You're too dressed up for therapy," Liv said softly.

"I have several meetings lined up this afternoon," he said with a heavy sigh. "One of which is retaining a real estate lawyer to fight a rent increase on my lease while I'm tied into said lease."

"Well, that's shit," Rollins commented dryly.

"I'm already paying $8,000 a month," he complained.

"Shit," Rollins gasped as she burned her mouth. "I'm sorry, what? How much?"

"It's a nice apartment," Liv defended.

"Yeah, but is it $8k nice?"

"My boyfriend at the time who co-signed the lease and has since broken the contract thought so," Rafael muttered.

"Wait, I'm sorry, what? Your boyfriend?" She glanced at Liv. "You know he's gay?"

Olivia sighed and took a bite of her bagel to avoid answering.

Rafael rolled his eyes. "For an SVU detective, that was pretty closed-minded. I'm bisexual. And just because I've been with men for a long time doesn't preclude the fact that it isn't the package – it's the person, Amanda. I am attracted to Olivia, not just her body."

"That's comforting," Olivia mumbled dryly around her mouthful of food, "because I look like shit right now."

"You don't," Rafael denied softly. "But I don't have time to tell you all the ways you're beautiful to me because my meeting is in thirty minutes and I have to catch the E downtown." He gave her a kiss. "I'll be back later and we can continue this battle of wills."

"Or not," Liv said.

"Or not," he agreed.

She kissed him back. "Thanks for the real food."

"Siempre, mi amor." He ghosted his fingertips over her cheek and kissed her one last time before heading out the door.

Liv continued eating, only pausing when she realized that Rollins was staring at her. "What?"

"He's so… different with you."

Liv shrugged a little and said, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess… I guess he is." Inwardly, she felt a little smug about it. Now, if only she could quiet that little voice of warning that hollered at her every time she thought about Rita Calhoun…

He got all the pillows set up on the sofa for her and pulled a blanket out of the closet. "What do you want to watch while I make dinner?" Rafael asked.

"Can we talk while you cook?" Liv asked, sitting down gingerly and trying to get comfortable. "I feel like we haven't had a chance to talk since I had Thing 2 removed." The two week hospital stay had made her tired and restless and vaguely terrified at the same time, afraid she wouldn't ever be able to go home, afraid that her body's independence would be torn away in stages, afraid that all she would ever see would be her friends' and Rafael's pity reflected in their concern. But now everything seemed a little more manageable.

"Sure," he agreed. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, I mean the obvious – your problems with your landlord," she pointed out.

"That's not your problem," he said dismissively, "and you shouldn't be worrying about it while you're healing and trying to focus on getting better."

"It's obvious that you're going to sue them for breach of contract, but they'll probably evict you and keep the money you've already paid them in the meanwhile, which means you'll be looking for a place to live," she pointed out.

"Don't worry about me," he said firmly. "Mami and Rita have already offered space."

It was like a sucker punch.

"You're going to take Rita up on it, aren't you?" she said quietly.

"I'll be close by," he said, "and –" Rafael paused for a long second, feeling the tension in the room increase. "Olivia… talk to me."

She wanted to hold it back, tamp down the irrational – she told herself it was irrational, but she loved him damn it, despite herself – jealousy, but the words came bubbling up anyway. "You love Rita. I don't know why you keep pushing this charade with me so hard when it's obvious that you should be with her and your daughter." The words were bitter like poison and hurt so much to say, nearly destroying her to say them.

He took a deep breath and shook his head. "I don't love Rita. Not like you think. We've always been best friends and worst enemies," Rafael said. "Great sex and bad emotions."

"But you share a child."

He settled onto the sofa beside her and sighed heavily. "Legally speaking, I'm Johanna's godfather and her legal guardian if something happens to Rita," he said softly. "I pay for part of her school tuition and some of her things during the year and we do things and go places. But Adam is legally her father, even if he is an emotional deadbeat. It's complicated. Rita tied up the legal strings pretty tightly in the divorce settlement. It's fine."

"What about Johanna? When she finds out about this –"

"She knows and she knows she can come to us with questions," Rafael said. "Like I said, it's fine, Liv. Not everything is black and white."

She knew he was hiding his distress because he called her by her nickname. She reached over and held his hand. "You don't have to move in with Rita or your mom," Liv said softly. "I have a little bit of space here. There's a second bedroom that's just storage right now. We could make it work. My furniture is just cheap junk flatpack Brian bought after Lewis destroyed my old place. It doesn't matter if we keep it or not."

"I'm sorry," Rafael said, "are you asking me to move in with you?"

She shrugged. "It seemed the reasonable thing to do."

"And if we broke up and you decided –"

"Then you can fuck off to Rita's," she said.

He squeezed her hand and said, "Rita isn't your biggest fan."

Liv shrugged. "You don't have to be liked to get results."

He sighed. "She lectured me about going out with a sanctimonious do-gooder who doesn't understand that life is pain. I stopped trying to make her realize that you know that better than she does."

"Pain isn't a competitive sport," she murmured.

"No, of course not," he agreed, "but she needs to understand that her pettiness is going to make things so much worse in the long run. I don't think this is a casual fling."

"It isn't," she agreed.

"You thought me going to Rita's and staying in the guest room meant that you and I would be over because Rita and I would go back to old habits?" he asked softly.

"Maybe? I don't know. I just… I don't know."

"Well, let me assure you that Rita and I haven't had sex since Jo-jo was born," he said. "And that was by mutual agreement." He paused then took a deep breath. "I wish things were less complicated, but they aren't. I'm sorry."

She hesitated, then said, "We're both bringing complications to the table. It's not a competition."

"I suppose you should meet my mother before we go much further," he said softly.

"I'd like that," Liv murmured.

He squeezed her hand. "And you should meet Johanna."

"I should," she agreed. "But not today. Today I want dinner and to crash and burn. Tomorrow I'm going to fuck off on the couch in front of bad TV all day and sleep. And after that, I'm going to start getting better every day."

"Promise?"

"I do," she said. "Someone has to keep you on your toes, Barba." She smiled at him a little, rewarded by a small lop-sided, unsure, smile from him in return. "Did you ever think about fighting for your rights as Johanna's father?" she asked.

"No," he said quietly but firmly.

"Why not?"

"Because I would be a shit father for her," he said softly, "especially paired up with Calhoun. Better I'm off to the side and allowed to come in once in a while. I'm not… I'm not sure I can be a good parent, Olivia." He swallowed hard. "But if it's what you want from me, I will try."

She ran her thumb over his knuckles and held his hand, wondering what she could do to make him see that he already was Johanna's father in more ways than just biology. And that if they ever moved to the step of having a child of their own, or adopting a child together, he would be perfect because of his imperfections. "Rafael, I love you," Olivia said, looking up at him. "And all we can do is try."

He smiled back down at her sadly.

TBC...