Disclaimer: I do feel sorry for JK Rowling and her characters, considering what they have to endure in this non-profit humorous fanfic.
DEATH EATER INTERVIEWS
Chapter 2: I'd Sell My Soul for Snape's Eyebrows
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Severus Snape was very unhappy that neither his first name nor his last name was recognised by the spell check on Microsoft Word. But that fact is irrelevant to the plot, and will therefore be left to ponder upon on a rainy day, when Severus might decide to owl the makers of that damn Muggle program and complain.
It has been established that ex-Professor Snape is not a coward. He is not afraid of death, Death Eaters, their boss Volders, Barbie, Harry Potter's socks, the bubonic plague, spiders, heights, peanut butter, long words, Dementors, George W. Bush, or even Neville Longbottom's Grandmother – although he didn't like to think of her, due to the little incident with a Boggart.
The point is, Severus was not easily scared. However, at this point in time, he was, if not scared, then at least mildly concerned.
Concerned for his own safety, the sanity of the Dark Lord, and the fate of the Wizarding community.
After all, if the Dark Lord was looking like that, at, for example, Harry Potter, the boy would have been scampering away as fast as his scrawny limbs would carry him, only to collapse and have yet another nightmare.
"Is there something on my face, your Lordship?" Severus asked tactfully. Voldemort was even paler than usual, and staring at his face with an unnatural gleam in his eyes. He strained to answer, but merely looked as though he was about to explode. Or implode. Or both.
Severus decided that he could risk using Legilimency to see into the Dark Lord's mind now, considering that the situation was, after all, concerning. Almost frightening.
His nose! Oh, Salazar, look at his nose! It's so divinely utterly perfect... The crooked curve, the length, everything! It's beautiful... The exact nose a Dark Overlord ought to have, menacing and just the nose for a purely evil character...
Perhaps Severus Snape would have been safer having not invaded into the demented privacy of Voldie's mind. He nervously touched his nose.
And the hair! So dark and swishy and real... How it frames his face, and makes a genuinely, endearingly, ominous combination with the nose. WHY? Why could I not have such delectable evil features? But Salazar, his EYEBROWS! I WANT THEM! They are dark, and curving up just at the right angle, and he can furrow them, and raise a sceptical brow and everything...
By now Severus had to admit that he indeed was scared. He comforted himself that it would have been foolish not to be scared, in these circumstances.
I'D SELL MY SOUL FOR SNAPE'S EYEBROWS! Wait, I have no proper soul. Ah, the misery, the utterly unendurable misery of being Tom Marvolo Riddle!
That was the point when Severus finally ended the Legilimens spell, and looked around anxiously. He spotted a manically smirking Draco Malfoy in the corner, completely oblivious to his surroundings.
"Aha! So this is the reason I have been called upon." He muttered under his breath. "Obvious memory loss, but it might be reversible. You'd need a goblet of my Memory Restoration Draught, and maybe some rest. Follow me, Draco."
When Master Malfoy did not comply, Severus took his shoulder and steered him out of the room. He sighed sadly, but continued smirking.
Once the distraction of the perfectly ominous character, at least in appearance, has been removed from the Dark Lord's sight, he more or less came to his senses. He remembered that he was supposed to be conducting Death Eater interviews, and leaned over to pick up the list of applicants.
"Peter Pettigrew" He read. "But he's already a Death Eater! That idiot... "
Volders pressed that same magical button, which resulted in the door opening to reveal a dishevelled Peter standing in the frame.
"My lord," He squeaked, as he bowed. Voldemort liked Peter. His hair was quite ugly and flimsy, his nose was small and squashed in, and his eyebrows so pale that you could hardly see them anyway. So there were no reasons to be jealous of him whatsoever. The only problem he had with Pettigrew was his stupidity.
"What are you doing here?" He asked in the perfected evil high-pitched voice that made the hair on most people's necks prickle...Although the Dark Lord did not exactly approve of that metaphor. He liked talking menacingly to Peter nonetheless, because Peter was so easy to scare.
"Re-applying as Death Eater, my lord. I do hope that after my years of servitude you will re-hire me. I beg of you, I have nowhere else to go..." He muttered, avoiding Tommy's eyes.
Lord V. meanwhile decided that this would be a good time to practise his "angry" persona. He always had trouble with that one, reducing to either girlish squeals or Vernon Dursley-ish roars.
"You imbecile, Wormtail. You already are a Death Eater. How dare you interrupt my already tedious work with your ridiculous interruptions!" And then he realised he said 'interrupt' twice, and had to resort to mentally slapping himself again. It hurt.
"I though...I just though...I'm sorry, my lord!" Peter slumped into a pile on the ground, looking up at the Dark Lord with fear in his bulging pale eyes.
Glad that his misuse of the word 'interrupt' came unnoticed, Volders continued the drama.
"Although you were in my employ until now, perhaps I should fire you now, for such dumbness." He continued in a high-pitched whisper.
Oh, I'm getting better! He thought to himself. Quiet anger. Very Snape-ish, if I do say so myself. Hang on! Since when is Severus Snape my role model?
"B-b-but, my lord... I know I am stupid, but you have stupider people in your employ. Like those Crabbe and Goyle fellows. I promise, I will buy myself some books and get better educated, just please, pleeeease don't fire me!" Wormtail pleaded, much to the Dark Lord's delight.
"When we decide, we shall notify you." He said, going for a Queen Victoria-style response this time, as he pointed a whimpering Wormtail out of the room.
Whoa. I really am getting better at this. Not a single girlish shriek, just pure smooth menace. Salazar would have been proud of me. If only I had hair...and eyebrows...
Forgetting he was not Draco Malfoy, he sighed sadly. The Dark Overlord did feel quite sorry for himself, and for good reasons. How would you feel if you had no eyebrows?
He looked down at the list again, wondering who was next.
"PureBlood4eva" he read. "What kind of name is that anyway?"
The Dark Lord stared down at the parchment in confusion, but then noticed a subscript: online applicant. He didn't quite understand what that meant, but pulled out his wand and gripped it tightly, just in case. He wondered what kind of line this applicant was on.
"PureBlood4eva... That's like... Pure Blood Forever!" He mused. He wished he had Draco back, to aid in the confusion and add to his sense of superiority regarding his perfect hearing skills. Although Draco had eyebrows, so that wasn't necessarily a bonus.
Finally he pressed the magical button, waited for the door to open, and looked up to see who PureBlood4eva was.
And then he turned a delicate shade of purple, due to mixed emotions that were running through his head.
Emotion one: Surprise at the general stupidly levels of the Wizarding community. Lucius Malfoy was already a Death Eater.
Emotion two: Insane jealousy due to the fact that Lucius Malfoy had hair AND eyebrows AND an adequate nose AND could probably still hear well.
Emotion three: Confusion as to why Lucius Malfoy is not in Azkaban as he ought to be.
Emotion four: Anger at Lucius Malfoy for previous events, such as messing up prophecy plans and landing in prison in the first place.
Emotion five: Interest in how Lucius Malfoy actually managed to escape.
Emotion six: Desire to practice the "angry" persona some more.
So you see, Tommy was a very deep and complicated person on the inside, yet it is possible to analyse him and make predictions as to how he is going to act next.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen, on the future development of events.
Will Voldie cut off Lucius Malfoy's hair and make a wig out of it, or will he get angry enough to kick him out of the clan? Will he perhaps throw a tantrum and completely lose the plot?
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Author's Notes: So I actually wrote part 2. 'twas quite fun to write.
Please review with thoughts, suggestions, opinions, criticism, etc.