Puzzle Pieces

(A/N: A silly oneshot I did… I don't know why)

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"I sold my soul; you bought it back for me
And held me up, and gave my dignity
Somehow, you needed me."

-Anne Murray-

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If I reached out, I would have touched you.

But you didn't need me to do that to know that I was there, right? You knew every time you tried to turn around, there I would be, watching over you, smiling and laughing and taking in your world with greedy eyes and an open heart, wanting to be part of it but not daring to find the voiceless courage inside myself that was needed in order to stand up and say, here, let me try.

Let me wipe away the tears; let me do it, because I have the right handkerchief for the job, because my touch is the lightest.

I never had the courage to say that, but I was getting close, I think.

I still don't know what would have been better, the knowing of what you felt or keeping this fraught silence, hoping it would go away but clinging to it intently, wishing that it would stay with me forever. Because if it stayed with me, I'd be stuck, suspended in animation, in a freeze frame moment of my life where you are and I am, and then we wouldn't have to move, not a single one of us.

Because I am too confused by everything, that everyone else takes for granted.

Love?

What is love anyway?

Is it something you tell another person in order to conform to exactly how society sees you, how society wishes you to be? But what is society then, apart from a figure that waggles a finger at you and spanks you on high when you step any reasonable measure from out of line, out of beat.

In which case… throw away the drummer boy and make your own beat to dance to!

Hmm… perhaps that's a bit too energetic.

I can tell you this much, I loved Zack, in the fashion of wavering, unsure first love. The first love where you sit nervously, side by side with your hands clasped in the hope that they can't see you shaking; the first love where popcorn and a movie and standard fare; the first love where you think spending hours on the phone is 'cool' and talking in shy short sentences is the norm because your shaking, beating heart can't take the idea of trying to be comfortable, let alone familiar with this fascinating, strange new creature you've just let into your life and practically handed the heart to. No, my first love was sweet, nervous, shy and ever so unsure.

I can tell you too, that I loved you both as much as the other. In the exact same way, for you; for exactly who you both are. It squeezed my heart so painfully realising that I had fallen in love with two people at once and what should I do about it? How should I throw myself at the feet of fate and cry out my woes?

One for the Soldier boy dressed all in standard issue blue.

One for the barmaid in a short skirt and raucous laughter.

A piece of my heart, for each of you.

I guess that means that both of you together can only keep my memory going fully… and how hard you both cling to me!

Cloud, Tifa, can't you see?

Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough, or the volume is turned down. Ah, where is the volume control when you need it? Zack! ZACK! …oh he's probably run off with it… but never mind, on with the, er, show. You'll hear this someday… when you're ready to hear me.

I hope it won't be too far away.

I wanted you both to know, that the time we spent together, it was the happiest time in my life. The days we spent trekking along the fields and fighting off monsters, the hours we spent swapping stories and discovering the world, wide, wonderful and dark, together: those memories are my promised land, my life, my wishes.

I saw each mountain high and each valley low; I saw everything wonderful and horrible between each high and low. I loved it all; I loved each sight, each sound and every heart stopping moment on the rollercoaster you pulled me along.

Or, I pulled you along.

After all, this was my story, right? You two, you played along well with what we tried to call 'Cloud's quest' when in reality we all knew, to the last hair on Red's back, that this was my war we fought, my demons, my historical life.

So when we trudged after Sephiroth, I wonder sometimes to myself if I was using you, Cloud, as a way to get to him, to follow and track his movements.

What's that?

Yes, I knew he was housed in your mind. The resonating feel of Jenova, I could feel it clearly sometime after Costa del Sol; I felt it so strongly that it made me sick to my stomach and I'm sure even Barrett who tried to 'vacuum' food up noticed that I was off my food at mealtimes. I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you that the sickness in you was affecting me.

I was afraid you'd leave me behind…

Hah, when you needed me more than any other person I was afraid you'd up and leave me, my friends, my loves. My Soldier, my barmaid…

It's not so bad here, bit cold sometimes but I find I can fix that by thinking about that field of flowers and then, bam, I'm there.

Zack says hi, he's waiting for you to get here, but Cloud, I hope you won't be so hasty, don't rush into anything.

You know, no matter what comes up, I'll be there, helping you and everyone else, as best I can, because I love you all, but you Cloud, especially. Because you and I, we fit together. Just how Tifa and I, we fit together too. A broken puzzle shared between three people.

It's okay, I know the pattern, and we don't need a box to make it fit.

So I guess this is… I mean…

….thank you, for letting me have some time. For helping me see the world… and for loving me, just as much as I loved you all.

Thank you.