AN- I was always struck by the look on Sarah's face when she quietly says her middle name at the end of Chuck vs the Wookie. And in the rest of the scene before that. The depth of her desire to give Chuck, something. Both actors did a great job. So this is my take on a Sarah that stops holding all of that in. Un-beta'ed, and I take full responsibility for grammar and spelling though I do make use of software to minimize that. The usual caveats about not owning any of it apply.
After Chuck vs The Wookie.
Sarah Walker stood in the shower and let the hot water work at the muscle kinks. Popular entertainment didn't show that part of close combat and espionage work. They never talked about the bruises, the pulled muscles, the grinding fatigue - physical and mental, or the pain of living every single day in a lie. She sighed and turned to catch a different muscle under the water. Except right now you're not sure what the lie is. She gently pounded her forehead on the shower wall. After a bit, she felt light headed from the heat and turned the dial all the way to cold. The shock made her gasp, and jolted her fully alert. Hot and cold. The story of your life here. She kept it there until her teeth began to chatter and turned it off. She stepped out of the shower and looked at herself in the mirror. No makeup, no mask. Is that Agent Sarah Walker? Jenny Burton, an angry teenage mess? Or… Sam? Are you still in there?
She toweled off and dressed in casual clothing, coordinated as all of her clothing was. She dried her hair and arranged it, applied makeup. The CIA designed and every so carefully crafted, image of Sarah Walker took shape in front of her. Sighing, Sarah knew what she was doing. She was focusing on herself and her appearance to avoid thinking about him. To avoid answering the other questions she'd been increasingly asking herself. I'm honest enough to know I'm hiding from it, and I'm coward enough to keep doing it. Is that why you were such an awful bitch to him, Walker? You think inviting him over for a 'talk' where he fully expects to get lectured is going to help… that its some kind of apology?
Stepping over to her bed, she opened her laptop and logged in. The report that she was supposed to be finishing loomed. The text looked blurry, like something wasn't letting her focus and she had an idea of what it was. Him again, the questions she was trying to ignore. It seemed her conscience was starting to crawl out of the mass grave Graham thought he'd buried it in. So, she stopped and closed her eyes and gave herself a few minutes to just think. It was one of the luxuries of this assignment, she admitted. Time to think. If you could live with your thoughts...
It had been harder and harder every single day she had to 'pretend' here in Burbank. She'd felt it like a gut punch when he'd hit her with that bedroom comment about Bryce. And she'd hurt him in turn, she'd been angry, but she had to admit she'd 'started it' more or less. What really bothered her about it was... It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. If Carina had said it, and she had said things like it, Sara would have laughed. Maybe punched her, but laughed. It hurt because Chuck had said it. Had meant it too, and had known it would hurt. He'd gotten under her skin enough to be able to hurt her, she realized with some shock. She didn't know what to do, but at least she understood that. There was still something bothering her and so she went back through the past weeks in her head and re-examined them.
She tried very hard to set aside her preconceptions and it clicked into place. She and Casey had been treating the nicest guy she'd ever met like… well crap. Like a burden and a problem. Perhaps not intentionally, given the circumstances, but it was true. A few minimal explanations given because of necessity. The minimum of praise for a good, no… an amazing job. Ridicule from Casey and fairly savage attacks from her when he stepped over lines he didn't even know were there. She opened her eyes. A partial solution presented itself almost immediately to her. The problem of Chuck was... big, but there were three things she could work on. First, he had a lack of information and training. We can fix that, no one could object to teaching him the basics. And I can have a talk with Casey about toning it down. Maybe we can even get Chuck paid or something. She felt a little better. However that was the easy part. The second problem was living in a lie. She was used to it, having done it since she was a little girl. Casey was trained to it and based his identity off of his service. Chuck was adrift. He wasn't being given anything true and he had to lie to everyone that mattered to him. Chuck, she was coming to understand, needed a level of open communications with someone. Anyone. She sighed again. Not anyone. Her. All I have to do is violate everything I've ever learned and tell the truth. Her mind shied away from it and so she turned her attention to the third issue. The biggest for them both. Sarah Walker didn't know what she was to Chuck, or more what he was to her. She had a good guess as to what Chuck wanted her to be, and it wasn't what most men wanted from her. If that's all it had been, she could have given him that and been rid off all… No, that's a self deception. You don't want just that anymore than he wants just that… Her musing was interrupted by a soft knock on her door.
She rose and walked to the door to open it. Chuck was there, as they'd discussed. For dinner and a 'talk'. He looked apprehensive and hopeful, happy at the chance to spend time with her even if he was going to be scolded.
"Hey… Vegetarian. No olives." he said as he held up the box and opened it after setting the bag aside. "It's the only thing I know about you that's true. You don't like olives."
"Thank you." She smiled. Her dark mood had started to lift when he showed up. She didn't want to ponder that too closely, so said, "Come in." Stepping aside she let him in and closed the door to see him turn around, unintentionally close to her. He smelled good, she noticed, and she had a sudden urge to brush the hair off his forehead. She turned and walked towards the center of the room to avoid it.
She stepped over and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting. He followed, holding the pizza in one hand. He set the pizza on the bed and sat on the small bench at its foot.
"Look…, I'm sorry about..." He lowering his hands and shrugging. "You were absolutely right, I shouldn't have let my feelings affect the mission." He leaned forward and looked earnest. "And if you and Bryce had... a thing. Well that makes sense, he always got the great girls." he said shrugging again.
Her breath caught at the tone in his voice. He looked and sounded like someone who was way too used to coming in second to someone or something else. It was almost unbearably sad, because it was true up to this point. And I did it to him this time, I put him second to my pride. I fell into that old trap, lied, and that set him up for what happened. I screwed up and he's apologizing.
Chuck's lips twitched, but he didn't smile. He continued talking. "I just wish I knew something real about you."
Sarah froze, unable to breath or speak. There was just this tone of longing in his voice. Her hand twitched with the urge to touch him, but she suppressed it.
After a moment he kept on. "Can't you just tell me one true thing?" He paused. "Just… one?"
She swallowed, looking at him, but wasn't able to get any words out.
"Like-Like, where did you grow up?"
Blinking, she tried to keep her breathing and heart rate under control. She wanted to say something, anything. Sarah sat straighter, she could hear her dad's lectures on marks, all her instructors words on leaving the past behind – how it protected everyone. Her thoughts about the main problem he had with secrets, and what he really needed from her popped right to the front of her mind.
"Or-Or if that's too much… and I get it, I get it… if that's too much, what's your... what's your name? What's your real name? "
Her throat felt like it was locked up. The one thing the experts, trainers, her father…. The thing none of them ever talked about how much it hurt to keep those secrets.
"Middle name. What's your middle name? Can't you just tell me your middle name?" He sighed finally, looking defeated again. "I'm going to... I'll go get the napkins."
Dammit, he deserves better than this. We both do. "Chuck, wait!" Sarah said, a bit louder than she'd intended, and stood up. "Lisa. My middle name is Lisa."
He turned to look at her, shocked. "Lets sit down." Turning, she walked over and took a seat. Chuck followed, bringing the pizza, drinks, and napkins.
Chuck opened his mouth and Sarah raised her hand to interrupt him. "Normally you're the talker. I need to take that spot for a while. I'm going against a lifetime of habits and professional training, so… bear with me and avoid your usual interruptions?" She looked at him levelly until he nodded. "OK. First, I'm sorry for how I've, how we've been treating you. I'd apologize on behalf of Casey and our bosses, but I'm pretty sure they're not sorry… Anyway, this whole situation isn't something I was really well prepared to handle. You're not a spy. You're not a bad guy. You're not even unwilling to help us." Sarah took a breath and let out a shaky laugh. "God, Chuck, you're basically a hero and we're treating you like a felon on parole. I've spent more time with you in the past few weeks…" She trailed off and blinked. Sarah felt the beginning of tears and just sat there in surprise. Surprised that she felt like she did… and that she was showing it. "… well than practically anyone. Life and death, dates, heroics, family dinners… All of that and I could barely choke out my middle name to you. You've got to be wondering, 'what the hell is wrong with her?'" She took a deep breath and plowed on. He'd earned a real apology. "I deserved every bit of your anger and distrust, Chuck. I asked you to trust me and then I lied to your face." She looked at his shocked face and before he could say anything, continued. "Telling you there was any difference between trust and truth was bullshit and we both know it. If I'd just said something, anything even approaching the truth, Carina wouldn't have gotten under your skin like that. It was a personal screw up, and hell a professional one as well. I'm trained better than that." She gave him a wan smile. "You bring out the worst in me… I don't want to lie to you."
Chuck's hand moved and he looked for a moment like he was going to reach over to touch her. Then he put it down. "Hey, its OK, you don't have to…"
"I do. I have to make this right, just for the sake of getting the job done even if there weren't other reasons." Sarah jumped in before he could make her cry. If he'd have been a tiny bit more comforting she'd have lost it... and possibly jumped him. "The whole helicopter thing, you did something that was frankly amazing. What did I do? I jumped all over you about the intel and my hurt pride that you doubted me. Never mind that the traitor had planned events to cause us to distrust each other. Never mind that if I'd been willing to, again, talk to you about my past you might not have freaked out. Never mind that you'd just saved my life. God, at least Casey's a dick all the time!" She snorted and shook her head. "I play nice and then the moment you make an honest mistake, I turned into a total bitch. Yes, I was scared by what happened, but its not an excuse. How can you even sit near me after all of that – and knowing some of what I've done?"
Noticing she'd run down and paused for a moment, Chuck spoke up quickly. "I think, maybe, aren't you being a little hard on yourself? You're human you know?" He shrugged. "I've got my doubts about Casey…" he trailed off.
Sarah let out a bark of laughter. "Chuck… no I don't think I'm being to hard on myself. Even if you were a bad guy or a foreign agent I was working… we'd be trying a lot more carrot than stick. There would be payment and probably a group of people dedicated to making sure you're safe and stable. As it stands, I've got absolutely no idea why they're not rolling out every single effort to keep you safe, happy, and helpful." She stopped and looked at the ceiling for a minute. Wait… why aren't they? If we got him a job in the government – his day to day would be protected. Our jobs would be so easy. He'd have a cover within a cover. Why are we doing this in the worst way possible?
She shook her head to get back on track. When she looked at him, she made a decision. "If they're not going to… I will. We… I can't ask you to work with me if you get nothing out of it but constant danger and stress. Chuck, as of right now, that changes. I've had enough of people not caring about you. I'm going to be talking to the bosses, try to improve things." Sarah took a deep breath and sat up straight. She took a drink of her soda and set it down. "And I can't ask you to trust me if I don't trust you. That starts with me telling you who, and what, I really am." She waved a hand in a gesture of 'sort of'. "I will have to leave out some specifics. I won't lie, I'll just tell you want I can't say. So here we go. I can't tell you my birth name, but…" Sarah launched into her past. She talked about her conman father, leaving her mother, and moving around the country. Growing up without a home, or even a real name. She talked about high school and her father getting arrested. Her 'recruitment', and training. College, and she had to pick him up and put him back in his chair when she told him about Harvard. She didn't mention the CATS by name because she was pretty sure he'd flash on it. And also sure it would break his brain a bit. So she'd just said that she'd worked with Carina and some others on a team. He gave her a look that bordered on hero worship when she talked about her time with the Secret Service, which felt both nice and awkward. While she talked, they ate, and she actually answered a few of his questions – as much as it went against her nature. It was a testament to the sort of person he was that most of his questions were about her… but not her past. She'd actually ended up talking about food (rocky road and street vendors in the Middle East) and clothes (she didn't really spend much time shopping, the CIA did most of it for her) for a bit.
During a lull in conversation, Chuck looked at her with a tilted head. "You acted as though this was some horrible history, but so far…"
"The bad parts are coming." Sarah grimaced. "I've glossed over some of the things in training. Some of the more distasteful things agents do. Particularly female agents." She shrugged. "I suppose its not all that different than Vice cops in some ways. Someday, Chuck, I'll tell you all about it." She laughed. "Hell, I'll even teach you a few of the things we learn in 'seduction school' if you want." She laughed even more at his suddenly pink face and made a mental note to go full seductress on him sometime. Just to see if he passed out. Then she sobered. "That's all somewhat depressingly standard. What isn't is the… wetwork."
Chuck swallowed and mimed a cut throat. Sarah nodded, and to make a point, took off her knife holster and put it on the table. He blinked and his eyes widened as the concept went home that she didn't carry deadly weapons for fun.
"Chuck, I was going to tell you some things. They're pretty awful, I have the nightmares to show for it…" Sarah said gently into the silence. "However I don't have to. We could leave it at, yes I've killed people. I'll probably have to again. I hate every part of it." She paused and looked directly into his eyes. "But Chuck? I wouldn't hesitate even a moment to kill anyone who threatens you." She paused for again, longer this time. He should at least know… "Chuck... Anyone. I can live with that, its my burden, but there's no reason for you to carry the rest too."
He was silent for several minutes. She could see the thoughts playing across his face and she sat back in her chair waiting. "I hate the idea that anyone would get hurt because of me." Chuck said, looking at her with what she could only see as empathy. "I especially hate that I might be the reason you have more nightmares." He took a long breath. "I also think that you telling me this… Sarah – did you have anyone to talk to that well… cared?" he said with a helpless shrug. "I said I could be your baggage handler. The offer's still on the table."
There was an element of truth to what he was saying. Outside of the CIA psychologists who's goal was to get you back in the field… Everyone she talked to basically was in the same situation. They pushed it down and accepted the slow shredding of their souls as the price of their work.Its his choice, even if it makes him hate me. She nodded. Took a breath."OK. My story takes its turn on the night of January 23, 2002. The worst night of my life. On a street corner Paris. Where I 'passed' my Red Test." The last two words were practically spat out. Sarah had looked down but looked up in time to catch the end of what had to be a flash. Oh god no, not that. Fucking Intersect, show him anything but that… "Chuck? Oh, please don't t…"
"How…" Chuck looked nauseous. "How could…" He stopped and looked her frozen in shock and horror.