Chapter 26
Even in the cold, it felt impossible to open the door. Harry reached out again, hoping he would draw the strength to do it this time, but his arm rested on the handle like he had done in the previous attempts. He could hear the laughter, talking, and joy that spilled out from the house, and he couldn't help but wonder what would really happen if he walked in. Would they all stare at him as just a painful reminder of everything they wanted to forget? Would they hate him for showing up even though he was invited? Wouldn't it just be better to leave? No one had seen him yet.
"Are you going to make up your mind boy," A rather ruffled voice said from behind him.
Harry's smile was sly as he lowered his arms, "How long have you been watching me, Aberforth?"
"The last fucking fifteen minutes, boy." Aberforth replied, "I came out here to peacefully get a drink in peace, not to watch your dumb arse stand in front of a door."
Harry turned to face Aberforth, his face stoic, "I know you're upset with me."
"No. Shit." Aberforth stood a few feet away now, taking a swig from his canteen. Harry could see the anger that rested on his face, "Do you think I'm unjustified? Risking your life, the Order, everything we've trained you for...for two girls...two pureblood girls. Attacking aurors. Giving up an easy fight...for what? So...some girl will feel a little bit better about betraying you later."
"It's not like th-"
"Then what's it like, boy? Cause all I see are stupid mistakes. Foolish mistakes. Mistakes that prove you're not ready." Aberforth said scathingly.
Harry felt anger rise in him, but he clenched his fist, speaking in a rather cold tone. "I killed a girl. Less than a month ago. I watched as she choked to death. As she looked me in the eyes in her final moments, begging me to stop it. "
Aberforth's eyes widened for a moment.
"She is- she was- my age. She liked to read. Her favorite class was Runes. She wanted to work at Obscurus or Flourish and Blotts. She loved books and reading with all her heart," Harry said. "I made sure she would never open another book again."
It was silent as snow began to fall. The sounds of laughter spilled out from the house as Harry stared down at Aberforth, who looked unnerved by it all.
"I've thought about it everyday since. It's torn me up truthfully. Not because I had to do it." Harry said as he stared at Aberforth, his expression dull, "But because how easy I could do it. I didn't feel anything when I did it. That's what tore me to shreds, Aberforth. I can kill someone and not feel anything."
Aberforth was silent. Harry made his way slowly down the steps until he was closer. Close enough to smell the spilled firewhisky and collected snow on Aberforth's beard.
"Everything I've lost. Everyone I've killed. Every mistake I've made. I've let it control my entire life to the point where I don't feel anything anymore. Just hatred or nothing," Harry said, anger flowing out him, "and for what? Just so I can win this war and have nothing left. Just so I can waste my life being drunk and bitterly like you? Fuck that and fuck letting anyone feel like that."
Aberforth's face widened, "I-"
"Save your fucking excuses, Aberforth. " Harry growled. "You and Dumbledore have let your entire lives be dictated by your grief, and I was on my way to doing the same. I can't- I won't do that anymore. It ends here. I've got a long way to go before I feel normal, but damn it, I have to fight for it. We have to fight for it, Aberforth. To believe in people again. To let go."
Harry turned away from Aberforth, making his way to where he had been before Aberforth had interrupted him.
"One more thing," Harry said as he turned slightly, catching the eye of a stunned Aberforth. "If what you say is true, in any sense, I wouldn't think twice about killing them myself."
Harry reached out and opened the door.
Hermione had to admit, it was nice hearing everyone laugh. It had been a particular dark year, so it was nice for once to be able to forget it all with some of the wonderful people she had met tonight.
"This apple pudding is splendid, honey!" said as he stuffed another spoonful.
Ms. Weasley laughed, "It wasn't all me. These wonderful kids had a lot to do with it. Minus the twins."
"Hey!" Fred interjected.
"We helped supervise!" George finished. "It's rather hard work to keep 'ole Ronnie boy on task."
"Especially when he's rather busy kissing snakes." Fred said as George made hissing noises.
"Shut up." Ron yelled as food fell from his stuffed mouth.
Daphne, who sat next to Hermione, did nothing but give a charming smile. She hadn't said much, but Hermione could imagine this wasn't exactly her environment. At least, she was making an attempt at charming because her sister, Astoria, hadn't so much as moved. She just stared at everyone with a rather blanket stare.
"Oh hush, boys!" Ms Weasley said as she turned toward Daphne, "Don't mind them, Daphne, you're beautiful and we're glad to have you."
"You know before I met your mother, I almost dated a Slytherin!" Arthur interjected. "It was a lot more common in the olden days, but we had a terrible second date because I threw up on her on the way to Hogsmeade. It smelled like old corn hash and a hint of rosemary."
"Dad, we're trying to eat." Charlie laughed as he put down his spoon.
"Sounds like our date that one time, Hermione." Neville whispered.
"Yeah." Hermione replied with a short tone.
"And that's why I was the only one who actually dated your father." Molly said.
Arthur threw his spoon in the air, "Best thing to ever happen to me!"
"Is something wrong?" Neville asked.
"I'm fine, Neville." Hermione said.
"At least you got dates, every time I asked a girl out, I could expect to be hexed and sent to the ward for even daring to ask," The guy named Shacklebolt said.
"Well, at least girls recognized you." Lupin said with a chuckle. "If a girl talked to me, it was just to find out if I could tell Sirius or James about them."
"I recognize you, Remus," A pink-haired lady called Tonks said. She had just recently joined.
"Hermione, talk to me. Is this about..." Neville trailed off, gesturing toward Daphne.
"I told you, I'm fine. Drop it. " Hermione said sternly.
Shacklebolt stood up, "Well that is my cue to leave. if you'll excuse me, this has been a wonderful dinner-
The speech was interrupted as the door opened. Harry stepped into the room with an expression that was rather scary before noticing everyone in the room was staring at him.
"I hope I'm not terribly late." He said with a sheepish grin.
"Oh great." Neville whispered.
Arthur stood up, smiling as he attempted to direct Harry to a seat, "Of course not! There's a lot of food left! Please Help yourself!"
"I was just about to leave, so you're more than welcome to have my seat." Shacklebolt said as he grabbed his coat, "Merry Christmas, everyone."
Hermione watched as Harry found himself at the end of the table, next to Lupin. George and Fred began to make snake noises to the chuckles of Neville. The other brother, Hermione remembered him as their prefect in her first year, Percy, seemed absolutely disgusted by Harry being there.
"A criminal…"he murmured.
"Whatever you need, dear, let me know. There's plenty." Mrs. Weasley said. Finally, she gave a death glare toward the other end of the table at Fred and George, which stopped the noises immediately.
"We...were talking about dates, Harry," Lupin said as he attempted to keep the conversation up. "I'm sure there's been someone you've been fancying? You're the child of James, after all."
"I've never fancied anyone," Harry said as he picked up a rather big piece of ham. "I've... had bigger issues to worry about."
"Can we talk?" Neville asked. Nudging Hermione.
"Later."
"No, Hermione. Now." Neville urged.
"That's okay, Harry!" Arthur said as he stuck another spoonful of pudding in his mouth. "Yough wool geaert-
"Arthur, stop talking with your mouth full." Molly reprimanded.
Hermione sighed as she got up, "Okay."
Daphne looked over at her curiously.
"I'll be back," Hermione said as she left the table. Followed by Neville.
They both went upstairs into a relatively empty room. Ginny's old room, if she could recall the tour. Neville, closed the door behind her.
"What's wrong with you?" Neville asked. "You've been so distant to me this past week. I don't know what I did, but whatever it is, tell me so I can fix it."
Tears fell from Hermione's eyes; she couldn't face him but Neville grabbed her hand to which she promptly pulled away.
"First, 'm sorry about earlier this week, I just thought with Grams out of the house...we could have some alone time...and I-"
"I think we should break up." Hermione blurted.
It was silent. The words felt surreal coming from her mouth, and she wasn't sure if she had actually said them.
"Wh-what?" Neville stammered out eventually, his voice cracking.
Hermione turned to look at him, which made the tears fall harder as she watched the absolute devastation on his face.
"I didn't want to do it until break was over, but I don't...I don't love you anymore." Hermione said quietly. "You're my best friend, and that doesn't have to change, but I just don't want to do this anymore."
Devastation sat on Neville's face as he found something to hold him up. Finally, he managed, " Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong?"
Hermione took a breath in between the tears, "Listen to me, there's nothing wrong with you. You were the perfect boyfriend, and I a-was an awful girlfriend."
"Then why? I'll do whatever you- I'll fix whatever you want me to fix. Hermione, we can make it work. Please."
Hermione watched as Neville pleaded. Her heart ached seeing him like this. She had never felt like more of a monster than she did now. What kind of person would do this on Christmas? At someone else's house? In a dead girl's room?
"I-" She started as a sickening feeling came over her. "I'm sorry." She finished as moved past Neville and out the door. She sprinted down the stairs and out of the house, vomiting in the closest bush she could find.
Steam rose from the hot vomit, as she began to sob. She was such an absolute monster.
"Hey," A voice said as she felt a reassuring hand on her back, "Want to talk about it?"
Hermione turned to see Daphne through her hazy tear-filled eyes.
"I just...broke up with Neville. I feel like such an awful person. "
"Oh." Daphne said. "Permanently?"
"I think so."
"Do you think it was the right decision?"
Hermione nodded, "I do. I just...I just don't love him anymore. It's been like that for a while, but I've felt guilty because...he's perfect."
"If he was perfect then you wouldn't have broken up with him," Daphne replied. "Maybe the reason could be, you just didn't see a future there? Or maybe you don't need a reason. Maybe you've just outgrown the relationship?"
Hermione picked herself up, wiping away the tears, "I did see a future, Daphne. Something long-term, someone to grow with, someone I can be safe with, but I don't want to be safe. I don't want to feel cloistered."
"What do you want, Hermione?"
"I want someone who will fight with me. Someone who never lets all the bad get to him. Someone who doesn't run from hard battles. Someone capable. Neville treated me like I was fragile glass, but I'm capable of so much more."
"You'll find that one day."
"The thing is, I think I have. I've thought about this a lot over break and the reason I feel so guilty is because…well, I think...I think...I fancy Harry."
"Oh." Daphne replied.
"I know. It's silly, but our first year...when the teachers found me with that dead troll. It was Harry who saved me. I thought for sure I was going to die, and I closed my eyes, knowing I was about to die from being bludgeoned , but it didn't come. When I opened him. There he was, he had made the club explode and had stood in front of me to make sure none of the pieces touched me despite taking a few injuries himself. It was a miracle. Ever since then, I knew he was special. And even though he saved me, he never treated me like a victim. He's never looked at me and felt sorry that I was muggleborn. He's always been fair to me."
"Hermione-
"I know it's a longshot, but this year, I've gotten a lot closer to him and It just sort of happened for me. I didn't really think anything of it, but you reminded me that he might be open to the idea. Remember? He doesn't just let anyone help him or-"
"Hermione!" Daphne interjected, harshly. "It's okay that you broke up with Neville. That doesn't make you a horrible person, especially if you want something different, but...this idea of Harry…it's nothing more than a crush at best, and an obsession at worst. You don't know Harry."
"And you do?" Hermione asked.
"Yes, I do. I've talked to the real Harry. I've gotten to know the real Harry. Not some idealistic version that you want him to be or that you have to lie your way into getting to know. "
Hermione narrowed her eyes, "You think I'm delusional?"
"No. Far from it." Daphne said firmly. "I think you're trying to justify breaking up with Neville, and you're using Harry as a scapegoat...a distraction. "
Tears began to surface again as Daphne continued.
"I know because I've done it. The grass is always greener. Harry isn't some abstract person, Hermione. He's real. A real person who's just as erratic as anyone else in the world. If you think you like him...great, but make sure it's because you like him. Not an idea of him."
Hermione nodded, "You're right. Thank you."
"Of course, we're friends." Daphne said as she wrapped around Hermione, "Now let's get that vomit out of your hair."
"What a great end to the year, huh?"
Post-Chapter Thoughts:
As always, thanks for reading! I figured there was no reason in delaying this chapter since it fit nicely with New Year's eve, so enjoy, and toast to a way better New Year!
Obviously, Neville becomes the next Dark Lord after this severe break-up, and adds to the many many many villains and enemies that want Harry dead(Just joking).
Next chapter, we'll get back to the main pairing of this story, DracoXDiadem.