WOLVERINE AND SPIDER-MAN RPG ISEKAI EPISODE NINE : BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE MONDS
The Rünton guild hall, with its stony walls and cavernous chambers was filled with chattering adventurers and merry men. The large wooden doors swung open, and a sleek muscular figure in a distinct red and blue suit stepped inside.
"Sweet civilization!" he exclaimed to a few odd looks as a diverse team of shapes and classes followed in behind him. Spider-man, Wolverine, and the rest of their party entered the guild hall.
The sunny employee and the wretched guild master were both behind the long back counter as their group made their way toward them.
"Greetings adventurers," said the employee over the noise of the crowded hall.
"Hello," said Wyn.
"I see you have been busy."
Every member of their party was covered in blood, dirt, and everything else they had encountered in the Excorium.
"We haven't had the chance to hit the bath house yet," said Spider-man putting his hand behind his head.
"Put that thing down you're gonna kill someone," cried Boksee.
"Dark elf!" exclaimed the guild master. "You're the flighty fool that fell in with this lot? Figures."
"Did you mean to alliterate?" asked Spider-man.
"What?"
"We were quite successful with our quest," said Nih. "Though it was a quest of our own making so we are not seeking payment."
"Heh, I like the sound of that," said the guild master.
"What can I help you with then?" asked the employee.
"We had a question, has there been any quests recently to escort someone through the Warrark forest?" asked Wyn.
"Hm, not that I recall. I can look really fast."
She got out a tome and started scanning through the recorded quests.
The doors of the bustling hall were constantly opening and closing with a loud creak and clatter as parties entered and departed. Eventually, another employee came by and propped them open.
"Why you asking?" asked the guild master with a huff.
"We found some bodies," said Logan. "Some of them had adventurer gear. We were wondering if they were anyone from here," he partially lied.
"Hm, I'm not seeing any Warrark escorts this year," said Sunny. "If you give me a moment, I can dig out last year's."
"No, that's ok," said Wyn. "What we found was recent so it couldn't have been that long ago."
"Sorry then."
"No problem. Thanks anyway."
The group of adventurers departed through the propped open door.
"Well we knew it was a long shot," said Boksee slumping as she hopped up and took a seat.
The team was sat around the base of an ancient statue near the center of main street.
"You miss every shot you don't take, even long ones," said Spider-man casually crouched up on the statue's arm.
"So, looks like it's time for long shot B," said Wyn.
"Which is?" asked Logan only mildly interested.
Wyn pulled out a contraption from her bag.
"Figure out what this is."
"What is that?" asked Boksee, her ears twitching.
"That's what I just said we had to figure out."
"No I mean where'd you get it?"
"From underneath the Warrark Tree. I snagged it from presumably Summer's stuff. It looked important."
"That's always a good metric to use to steal stuff," said Spider-man genuinely.
"It's not stealing," said Wyn offended. "It's collecting evidence."
"Sure tuts," said Wolverine.
Ignoring them, she held up the device. It was a metal triangle with a weighted pendulum hanging in the center of it. It also had a few rudimentary gears, and a crank.
Spider-man gave it a look.
"A metronome?"
"What?" asked Wyn.
"That's what it looks like to me."
"What's that?" asked Boksee.
"It clicks a rhythm. Musicians use them to keep a steady beat."
"I've never heard of such a thing," said Wyn.
"Me neither," said Boksee.
"Nor have I," said Nih.
"That's totally what it is, isn't it Wolvie?" asked Spider-man.
He gave it a look.
"That's what it looks like to me."
Wolverine took it and after a minute of looking it over, he wound a little metal piece and put it on the edge of the statue. He flicked the pendulum and it started swinging back in forth with a click.
"Huh," said Boksee.
"Seems like they know," said Nih.
"Still," said Wyn. "I think we should still seek the aid of an expert."
"This is a time piece, it clicks seconds," said an elderly mechanist as he put the little device on the counter. The team gathered around him and watched as with his stiff but steady hands, he gave it a gentle tap and it started clicking. "Magic users will use them to help them perform complicated rituals," he continued to explain.
The mechanist's shop was a few rickety flights of scaffolding above the streets. It was a single room crammed with all manner of trinkets and intricate metal creations. The mechanist was a white bearded man wearing tiny round glasses and an apron, and covered in strange little devices himself.
"Told you it was a metronome," said Spider-man.
"What's that?" asked the mechanist.
"See, he doesn't know what that is either, so it's not that," said Wyn.
"It's totally a metronome right," asked Spider-man to Wolverine.
Wolverine raised his eyebrows but nodded in agreement.
"So, this may be a bit forward," said Boksee. "But do you remember who you sold this to?"
"Hm?" said the mechanist admiring the fine-tuned creation. "Oh. I can't make these. There are only two places in Strana where you can get your hands on one of these. There's a store up in Ries or you can get them directly from the source. The finest mechanist in Strana lives in Little Monds. He's who makes them."
"Little Monds, that's not too far from here," said Wyn.
"Less than a day's travel," said Nih pleasantly.
"Looks like our long shot just got longer…and shoddier," said Spider-man. "Well I'm all for it," he said chipper. "What's Little Monds like? What makes it little."
"Hm?" said the mechanist confused.
"They're not from here," said Wyn. She turned to Spider-man. "Little Monds is the dwarven settlement."
Spider-man's bright hazel eyes went large with excitement.
"Are you saying there's an entire town filled with and built by…dwarves?"
"Um yes?"
"I will be a height giant!" he exclaimed. "Let's go!"
"You're way too worried about your height," said Boksee as the team exited and Logan slipped the mechanist a few copper pieces. "You've got nothing to worry about. You're like five seven or something."
"I'm five ten!"
The team once again found themselves in the back of a wagon rolling through the hills and lush valley's surrounding Rünton. This wagon was small and didn't have a cover so they were all crammed in together with cargo under the direct sun. Still, they were thankful not to be walking.
"So you're certain this Summer fellow is the one who damaged the tree?" asked Nih.
"Definitely," said Wolverine. "Either him or one of his pals. But Summer's the guy who's stomp'n around Rünton so it's probably him."
"What are they doing?" asked Nih. "Why are they draining so much mana?"
"No idea," said Boksee.
"Probably something diabolical," said Spider-man tinkering with the metronome. "Maybe they're trying to take over the world."
"You say that so casually," said Boksee.
He shrugged.
"Hrm," grumbled Logan thinking. "Wasn't what's his face from Little Monds?"
"Who?"
"Ugh, Sigma or someth'n."
"Sigmondus," said Wyn. "No, he was from actual Monds but still. We may find out something more about him. I'd still like to know what the Losthips wanted with his body. It's another long shot but who knows. Dwarves might have a more extensive history of a dwarven philosopher."
"So many mysteries," mused Spider-man "The most pressing of which being, what is the purpose of this little screw thing?" he asked holding up a piece of the metronome.
"Did you break it?" asked Boksee.
"No, it just came out. It didn't change anything so what's the point of it?"
"Put it back in," said Wolverine.
"That's what she said," said Spider-man.
"Who said?" asked Wyn innocently.
"Oh no! Wyn! No!" cried Spider-man. "Why do you never ask about the perverted things he says‽" he asked pointing at Wolverine.
"You said something perverted?" she asked cocking an eyebrow. "For shame Spider-man."
"What‽"
"Tuts, you've been hanging around with the nuns too long," said Boksee.
"Hey," said Logan with a cheeky grin. "Only I can call her tuts."
"I feel like I've lost track of this conversation again," said Nih.
"The gist is apparently Wolvie can straight up blow a guy off…" said Spider-man.,
"Really?" asked Nih perking up.
"…and he's fine, but I make a 'she said' joke and I get the paladin stink eye."
"That's because Wolverine's a lecherous old man…" said Boksee.
"Ain't that old," grumbled Wolverine.
"And you're an innocent little dumpling. We have higher standards for you."
"I am not," he said pouting.
"Daww," said Boksee and Wyn both giving his face a squeeze.
"Wolverine," said Nih as Spider-man batted the women away. "You didn't strike me as a man of that persuasion."
Logan crossed his arms and shrugged.
"Don't matter my persuasion. None of any your business either. Sex is a tool like any other. How you feel in it don't matter. You know which head to slice off or which set of legs to put your face between, you can accomplish just about anything."
"What a wholesome outlook," said Spider-man smacking away Boksee as she tried to pinch his cheek.
There was a pounding on the wall.
"Excuse me, there are children present up here," said a shrill voice from the driver's seat.
"Hooray! Logan got scolded by somebody," said Spider-man putting the screw back into place.
"Again, I apologize for my colleague's conduct," said Wyn as they got off at Little Monds.
"When we agreed to give you this ride we thought we were giving it to a group of adventurers, not a brothel of traveling whores," said an irate, middle-aged mother holding away her children.
"Though with the outfit choice on that one it should have been obvious," said the dad walking by Spider-man.
Wyn paid them their agreed amount and they departed.
The day was bright and a bit hot as the team made their way on foot down a rugged pathway. Eventually a looming metal gate filling the mouth of an enormous cave came into view. It was massive, thirty foot tall and fifty foot long. It stood unmoving and impenetrable, sleek, black, and eerily quiet as the party approached it.
"So, do we knock?" asked Logan sarcastically.
"Why not?" asked Spider-man.
Wyn shrugged then stepped forward and gave a few heavy knocks, her metal gauntlet ringing loudly against the metal gate.
Silence.
The party looked around uncertain. Just as they were about to start thinking of a plan they heard a scraping screech. A tiny door on the far right of the gate creaked open and a she-dwarf in braided honey pigtails stepped out.
"Greetings," she said cheerfully making her way toward them. "Welcome to Little Monds. So four grown? That'll be two silver pieces."
"Um, for what?" said Wyn even though she was already getting out her coin bag.
"Steep toll," said Spider-man.
"For the tour of course!"
The party was ushered down into the city. It was completely underground. Houses and businesses scaled up the cave walls and descended down deep shafts. Stone bridges connected levels of the jumbled city, and flocks of bats flew like birds through the dark torch lit cave above.
"Little Monds is the oldest and largest dwarven settlement in Strana," announced the tour guide as she led them down onto the main street. "Founded by Monds immigrants two hundred years after King Solrex took the throne, the settlement has since developed into a booming sight of industry and craftmanship."
Like any good city, Little Monds was bustling with locals. The difference here was, with the exception of Boksee and Wolverine everyone in the party towered over the crowds. Even Wolverine stood a head above. Dwarves were shorter and stockier than men with the males sporting huge and intricately braided beards.
They shuffled about, stood around on the edges of the street, and called out windows just like any other crowded city.
"Does anyone have any questions?" asked the tour guide.
Wolverine raised his hand.
"Yes."
"Yah, where's a guy take a shit around here?"
Wyn and Spider-man both face-palmed.
"What? You want me to do it in the street?"
"And here is our largest foundry," said the guide resuming the tour. She walked them through a blazing room filled with dwarves pouring molten metal into various molds and pumping massive billows. "Does anyone know the difference between a smithy and a foundry?"
Wyn raised her hand eagerly.
"A foundry pours metal into shape, a smith hammers it," said Logan bluntly his arms crossed.
"That's correct!" exclaimed the guide enthusiastically.
Wyn sulked disappointed. Nih, Spider-man, and Boksee snickered.
"This is our famous skol bread," said the tour guide as they were each given a sample of a warm dense pastry at a bakery.
"Mmm, I'm going to have to buy some of this," said Spider-man his mouth still full.
"And of course the only thing we're more famous for is our dwarven fire wine."
"Now you're talk'n," said Wolverine.
Wolverine, Wyn, Boksee, and Nih were given shots of "wine" as Spider-man waved his hands to decline.
Wolverine threw the cloudy, rust colored liquid down his throat.
"Woo! Now that's some good shit!" he howled excitedly. "Now that's someth'n I'm gonna have to buy!"
"Needs ginger," said Nih.
"Please watch your language. This is a family friendly tour," said the guide as a dwarven mother passed and quickly covered her child's ears.
"I have to say," said Spider-man as the group made their way through town. "I will never give tourists the stink eye again. This is awesome! I love being a tourist."
Wolverine turned to see him holding a pamphlet and wearing a mock version of a horned hat.
"The fuck? Where'd you get all that‽"
"Don't worry. I got one for you too."
Spider-man pulled another hat and plopped it on Logan's head. The horns were the same shape as his spikey hair. He scowled intensely.
"Oh if only I had a camera," said Spider-man.
The party, all wearing fake horn hats walked up the steps to the courtyard market.
The tour guide reached the top and held up her hands.
"From all Little Monds, I hope you all have enjoyed our tour," she said. "Now, before we disband, are there any final questions?"
"Yes," said Wyn. She pulled out the mechanical device. The whole reason we came here was to find the mechanist that made this. Would you happen to know where that is?"
"Wait, you did order the mid-day tour right?" asked the guide her eyes going wide.
"Um, no. You kind of just blindsided us at the door," said Spider-man.
"By the king's beard!" she exclaimed. Then she took off running.
The party just stood around awkwardly in confusion.
"Well that was um, sudden," said Boksee.
"Let's uh, let's go ask someone else," said Spider-man.
"Indeed, I know the mechanist," said a dwarf. There was a pair of workers from the brewery making their way through the market. "Ol' Wheznet. He's down on sandstone street."
One of the workers looked at Boksee, then he looked to Wolverine beside her.
"Hm, and what are you doing with this lot? A beautiful maid like yourself, you're not with this beardless halfer are you?" he asked looking toward Logan.
"What did you just call me?"
"A half dwarf."
Logan went bright red.
"I ain't no half dwarf!"
"That's true. He's just a short werewolf," said Wyn not too perturbed.
"I ain't no werewolf!"
"I'm not a dwarf either by the way," said Boksee to the workers. "I'm just a barrel shaped half halfling."
"I'm sure you've got a little dwarf in there somewhere," one replied.
"Must have, to be so pretty."
Boksee blushed crimson.
Logan just snarled.
Finding an unassuming shopfront, Wyn knocked on the door.
"Hello? Mechanist Wheznet?"
"Yes, yes. Come in."
They stepped through the door.
The elderly mechanist, even more ancient than the one in Rünton was sat behind a heavy wooden desk. Between his stumpy wrinkly fingers was the smallest set of pliers the team had ever seen, and on his face the thickest pair of glasses. As the party entered, the long, white bearded dwarf looked up from the device he was working on and frowned.
"Oh, tourists," he said bitterly. "This isn't part of the tour. There's nothing for you here."
"Wow, cheery fellow," said Spider-man.
"You gotta problem bub?" snarled Logan.
"Easy men," said Wyn. "We're not on the tour…uh…anymore. We came to inquire about this," she said pulling out the time piece.
The mechanist gave it a look.
"What about it?"
"We were wondering if you could tell us who you sold it to," said Boksee.
"I'm a mechanist, not a log book. Either buy something or get out."
Logan lowered into a hunch, his face scrunching into an even more aggressive growl. Carefully, Spider-man put a hand to his back.
"Don't lose your cool," he said quietly.
"Am I correct in assuming if we make a purchase you will aid us?" asked Nih.
"No, you're not elf," he practically spat.
"That's it," snarled Logan. He ejected his claws. "I ain't play'n games," he said stomping over to him.
"Logan stop!" shouted Spider-man getting in between him and the terrified mechanist.
"AUTHORITIES! HELP!" he cried.
"Everyone just calm down!" boomed Wyn stepping between them all. "Listen. What can we do to get you to tell us who you sold this to?"
"After you tried to attack me?"
"What's a little threatening between friends?" said Spider-man his voice nearly cracking.
"You can buy my clock you daylight trolls! I've never been able to move it. Buy that and I'll tell you whatever shit your wretched little hearts desire."
The group looked over at a six-foot-tall tower of exposed gears and metal. Everyone but Nih baulked at the sight of it.
"Hm, seems like a fair trade," he said unphased. "What is the price?"
"Fifty gold pieces."
Nih's face finally broke.
Wyn and Boksee gasped.
"So you going to buy it?" snapped the mechanist.
"Uh…"
"Then get out!"
The door slammed behind them.
"Well, that was a disaster," said Wyn.
"You should 'a just let me force it out of him," snarled Logan.
"And get arrested?" asked Boksee.
"We can take a bunch of dwarves."
"How about we don't become wards of the state," said Wyn.
"Fine," grumbled Logan. "I hate play'n by his rules. So, how much coin we got?"
"Yah, and could you remind me how the currency works again," said Spider-man.
"It's simple," said Wyn. "There are twenty copper pieces in a silver piece, and five silver pieces in a gold piece."
"Oh," said Spider-man. "Singles, twenties, and hundreds. That's easy."
"Told you in was simple," said Wyn.
"So, what 'a we got?" asked Logan again.
"I've got about three gold coins worth of coin," said Wyn counting her purse.
"I've got a gold and two silvers," said Boksee.
"I have a silver piece," said Nih.
"You've only got twenty bucks?" exclaimed Spider-man.
"I don't know what a buck is or why I have twenty of them but I don't carry a lot of coin. I'm a druid," said Nih pleasantly.
Spider-man moaned.
"What about you two?" asked Boksee.
"I've got uh…about fifty, I mean, I've got two silvers and ten copper," said Spider-man.
"I've got a little over four gold pieces," said Wolverine.
"How did you get so much money?" exclaimed Spider-man.
"Because I actually know how to make money."
Spider-man stuck his tongue out at him.
"I'll cut it off," said Wolverine.
"So, in total we've got a little over nine gold pieces," said Wyn.
"Out of fifty," said Spider-man. "That stupid thing costs five thousand dollars."
"I don't know what a dollar is either my snail ears," said Nih. "But that does seem like quite a lot."
"Well, we'll just have to make some coin," said Wyn.
"What are we going to do with the stupid clock after we buy it?" asked Logan.
"We'll figure something out," said Wyn.
"The party stood before the quest wall in the Little Monds adventurer's guild.
"Wow, everyone has a guild don't they?" asked Spider-man.
"Pretty much," said Boksee.
"I think we will make more money if we split into teams and take separate quests," said Logan.
"Good idea."
Spider-man read a quest.
"Locate and Recover Stolen Soul Gems. Return to Abbey of Lady Gilma."
"What's a soul gem?" he asked.
"Hm?" asked Wyn reading over the quests. "Oh, a soul gem is a magical artifact. Like the name implies, it's a gem that contains a creature's soul."
"When the penalty of death is considered insufficient, the state may deem damnation by soul gem a suitable punishment," said Nih reading the quests himself.
"That's horrific!" exclaimed Spider-man.
"Well it's pretty rare. You have to be a real piece of work to get stuck in a soul gem. Well, that or an unlucky victim of illegal soul gem creation," said Boksee.
"That quest is no good for us anyway," said Nih. "Only those of dwarven blood are allowed to enter dwarven abbeys and temples."
"That's racist," said Spider-man.
"Perhaps."
"Oh look at this one Nih," said Boksee. "There's a problem with one of the troops at the mushroom farms."
"Sounds like a job for me," he agreed ripping down the paper. "Would you like to accompany me?" he asked to Boksee.
"Does a hawk have wings?"
"Hm, a nest of were-rats has infested a mining vein. Sounds straight forward enough," said Wyn ripping down another. "We'll meet back up at the inn tonight," she said as the three adventurers went their separate ways.
"Well, guess it's just you and me," said Spider-man.
"Lucky me."
"Why do you always act like you rather be teamed up with a dead rat rather than me?"
"'Cuz I would."
"You know you say things like that, but I don't think you mean it. I think you just like to be hurtful."
"Quit your yapp'n."
"I'm right aren't I?"
"I said shut it! Or I'm going on a quest without you. Don't see why I don't do that already."
Spider-man's eyes went wide.
"Uh, Wolvie…"
"What?"
Spider-man pointed to a quest.
"Raid giant spider nest to gather silk. Deliver to armorer."
"Well," said Logan grinning. "Looks like someone just became a cash cow."
The pounding of hammer on brilliant blazing metal could be heard even before the pair entered the armorer. Sparks flew into the hot air as the heavy door swung open and Wolverine and Spider-man ducked inside.
A she-dwarf was weaving a leather construct together on a mannequin near the front of the shop and a dwarf worked on a metal chest plate at a forge in the back. They both looked up at the sound of guests. At the sight of them, their faces fell.
"Greetings men," said the she-dwarf as she and her husband gave them suspicious consideration. It seemed, foreigners were not well received outside the controlled confines of the tour. "Can we help you?"
"Hi," said Spider-man. "I'm Spider-man and this is Wolverine," he introduced.
The dwarves looked unimpressed.
"We're adventurers."
"Oh," said the she-dwarf lightening up. "Have you taken our quest?"
"We have," said Spider-man pulling their quest paper from his glove.
"Do you have questions?" asked the dwarf quenching his hammer with a sharp sizzle and wiping his hands. "We heard rumors of a giant spider nest in the north tunnels but we can't give you any more information than that."
"Uh, actually," said Spider-man a little apprehensively. "You don't really need the spiders killed right? You just want the silk?"
"Well, yes technically," said the female armorer. "But we want quite a bit so I don't see how you can manage that without killing the beasts."
"Right," said Spider-man.
Logan nudged him in the shoulder.
"Go on," he said.
"It feels weird now."
"You never had a problem spreading your goo around before."
"I've got performance anxiety."
"Oh for the love of-"
"Men, what is going on?" asked the she-dwarf.
"He's Spider-man. He can just make you some web."
"What?" both dwarves asked in disbelief.
Drawing his fortitude, Spider-man began weaving between his hands. He spread his fingers revealing the words "ta-da" written in web.
The dwarves gasped in astonishment.
"See, so he can make you as much silk as your little dwarven hearts desire," said Logan smugly. "For the right price."
"This has to be some sort of trick," exclaimed the dwarf.
"No trick. Kid show him your holes."
"Not if you call them holes!"
"Whata you call 'em then?"
"Spinnerets!"
"Quit your whining and just show 'em."
Spider-man pulled off a glove and pulled up his sleeve. He then pulled back a little flap of skin revealing a small orifice. He shot some web out of it.
"Incredible!"
"What sort of creature are you?"
"Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-man."
Spider silk is one of the rarest and most prized fabrics in armory. Light as cloth and, when woven and preserved correctly, as firm as chainmail. Could you fill us some spools? We'll pay you five gold pieces per spool."
"Five gold pieces‽" exclaimed Spider-man.
"He'll be happy to," said Logan.
"The gods have smiled on us today!" cried the she-dwarf. She brought out a huge spool pole, three foot long, and attached it to a spinning base.
Spider-man's eyes went wide.
"Let me set up another one and we'll get right to business," continued the she-dwarf.
"Great. This looks like it might take a while. I'll leave ya to it," said Logan waving as he exited.
An hour or so later, Spider-man emerged from the armorer door. Logan was waiting for him outside.
"Hey kid. How'd you're milk'n go?"
"Don't call it that," he snapped. He had bags under his eyes and generally looked like he had woken up from one banger of a night.
"Well someone's pissy. Here," said Wolverine handing him a pasty. "Thought you might be hun-"
Spider-man snatched the food out of his hand and inhaled it in two bites.
"-gry."
Spider-man growled. He actually growled.
"Need meat," he said shortly. "Glands empty. Need protein. Gonna shrivel up… and die. Take me to the meat."
Dwarves merrily filled their drinking horns and downed them just as quickly at the warm, dark pub. Since the city was underground there was never day, only a constant night so the scent of torch smoke was always heavy in the air.
Sinking his sharp teeth into the roasted leg of some unknown beast, Spider-man ripped chunks of hot meat straight from the femur and scarfed them down his throat. Greasy juice dripped down his hands and chin and he was eating so voraciously that even the dwarves were giving him odd looks. The starved super hero was too involved with his food to care, making little moans of pleasure as he stuffed his face.
"So while you were gett'n milked," said Logan completely unphased. "I was look'n over our quest options."
"Mm," grunted Spider-man nose deep in meat.
"I think doin' a few different smaller quests will pay more than doin' one big quest."
"Mmm,"
"So these are the ones I snagged for us. I figured with the both of us we should be able to knock 'em out in no time," said Logan spreading out a few papers as Spider-man stripped the bone clean.
"Quest one might be a bit tricky but I'm sure we can pull it off. Quest two should be a breeze and quest three…"
There was a popping crunch.
Wolverine looked up to see Spider-man had snapped the bone in half and was sucking out the marrow.
"Holy fuck," said Logan surprised.
"Don't judge me. Marrow is extremely nutritious," he grumbled with a full mouth.
"I ain't judg'n. I'm impressed. Anyway. Quest three is a bit vague but I'm sure it ain't nothin' we can't handle. All that sound good to you?"
Spider-man nodded. He leaned back and sighed.
"Phew, ok. I might live now."
"So how much coin did you end up making anyway?" asked Logan.
"I was only able to fill two spools but that's still ten gold pieces."
"Way to work those spinnerets champ."
"Uh thanks. Oh, and I got an extra silver piece for tipping them off about that Bulette we killed back under the tree."
"What'd they want with that?"
"Apparently Bulette chitin is prized as the premier chitin for armor making. Light but extremely hard. They're gonna put in another quest to go fetch some. They offered the quest to us but I said we'd have to think about it since it would be a multiday travel."
"Yah. I don't know about you, but I ain't in the mood to go anywhere near that place any time soon."
"You said it."
"Especially if it's another two-day hike. "So," said Logan standing. "Ready to knock these out?"
"Well I feel like it's going to take me a few hours to regenerate my web supply but sure. By the way, did you know that web fluid before it becomes web is called dope?"
"Does that mean you're dopey?"
"Should have seen that one coming."
"Come on. Let's get to work."
"So, we hear you got a basilisk problem," said Logan as he and Spider-man stood in front of a group of dwarves. They were deep, deep down in a busy mineshaft.
"Indeed halfer."
"How do you know it's a basilisk?" asked Spider-man.
A miner held up a canary in a cage. It was stone.
"Yikes."
"This is as far as we dare to venture, but we were down the right wing here," said another pointing. "About four chambers deep."
"Sounds good. Let's go," said Logan turning. Spider-man followed.
"That's it?" asked a miner.
"How do you two plan to kill it?" asked another.
"Keep our eyes closed and stab," said Logan shrugging.
As soon as they were out of sight of the dwarves, Wolverine turned to Spider-man.
"Web me," he said.
"Can't you tear some fabric? My spinnerets are so sore."
"No."
"Fine."
Spider-man shot a blob of webbing over Logan's eyes, then he shot web over his own.
Logan gave the air a sniff.
"Oh fuck, there's blood in this."
"I told you I'm sore!"
"Didn't know it was that sore. Fuck, I feel bad about abusing your holes now."
"Stop calling them my holes!"
"Alright. I know you're gonna explode but I'm gonna need you to stay quiet," said Logan. "I don't got no spider sense so I've gotta rely on my hear'n and smell'n."
"Well I don't have a super sniffer so I have to rely on my hearing and spider sense. Oh, and the vibrations. I can feel vibrations."
"Great. Thanks for the run down. You take the lead then."
"Oh, um, ok."
With Logan following behind, Spider-man started down the tunnel. They were both blind and following their other senses. Walking for what felt like an uncomfortably long time, Wolverine finally piped up.
"Do you sense the basilisk yet?" he asked.
"Uh huh," said Spider-man. "There," he said pointing.
"Where?"
"Oh yah. I guess you can't see me pointing."
Spider-man felt through the air for a second until finding Logan's arm. He took his hand and pointed it in the right direction.
"It's hiding right now I think. Otherwise it would have attacked us, right?"
"Basilisks are ambush predators," said Logan. "It'll strike if we get in range."
"Why do you remember that but I don't?"
"'Cause the things that could instantly kill even me really stuck out in my mind."
"Hm. So how do we do this?"
"Well first we gotta draw it out. That's your job."
"What?"
"You can dodge the attack."
"Ugh, fine."
"Draw it out then I'll take care of the rest."
Spider-man moved forward following his growing spider sense. It took a few minutes of walking around in circles but eventually it blared.
Spider sense!
He leapt to the side as he heard and felt a massive snake like beast launch itself out of a hidden tunnel. Flipping backwards he quickly got out of range of its tooth filled maw.
"Wolvie, it's out!"
Following the sound and smell of the animal, Logan ran forward, claws ejected.
Before the large reptile had a chance to round on him, Wolverine threw his claws through the air.
He felt the slice of flesh. Hot blood squirted across his arms and face.
The snake flopped and writhed. Logan just barely dodged as he felt it strike at him. He stabbed at the air once again on pure instinct and felt his claws sink deep into a hard skull. In seconds, the creature was still.
Logan wiped the blood from his face.
"Alright, I think it's dead."
Spider-man blindly made his way over until he felt the head. With his gloved hands he groped the scaley skin until he found the eyes. Then he webbed over them thick and heavy. He wasn't sure if the eyes could still turn them to stone when the monster was dead but he wasn't willing to take the chance.
"I think we're good," he declared eventually.
They cleared the webbing from their eyes.
"Woo! Look at the size of that snake," exclaimed Logan amused. It was a girthy, dragon like serpent bigger than the largest anaconda. Its dead body spanned the length of the rocky mining chamber.
"I think this is actually a pretty small basilisk," said Spider-man looking it over.
"Well," said Logan. "Time to divide up the spoils."
"Pardon?"
"I'm think'n someone will probably pay a pretty little price for basilisk skin," he said kicking the snake over. In one swift and unsolicited move, Logan threw his claws through the neck of the thing and cleaved its head from it body.
"Oh! Oh gosh!" cried Spider-man.
"You ever skin a snake before?" asked Logan.
"Why would I ever?"
"Well pay attention then. After you cut off the head, you flip the thing over and you gotta go down and find its anal vent."
"Why are you like this‽"
As Logan worked away at slicing the snake's skin up the middle, Spider-man moved back to the decapitated head.
"I think I'm gonna work on getting the fangs. Those should be worth something right? I think basilisk venom was in one of Gustel's books of potion ingredients. In a hard jerk Spider-man used his sticky fingers to wrench a fang straight from the gums.
There was a knock on the armorer door.
"Come in!" called the she-dwarf.
A bit bloody, Spider-man and Wolverine stepped through.
"Ah, Spider-man. We were just talking about you."
"Hey Yeulga, Hingrolf," he said.
"Here to sell us more silk I hope," said Hingrolf, the dwarf.
"Sorry. Still tapped out. No, actually we came by to see if you guys knew anyone that would be interested in buying basilisk skin?" he asked as he and Logan spread the skin out for them to see.
"Basilisk," Hingrolf whistled. "You two are just a wealth of rare materials aren't you?"
"We try," said Logan.
"We do?"
"Well we have no use for it here," said Yeulga. "But try the tanner."
"I told you that's where it needed to go," said Logan.
"And I told you we don't know where it is," Spider-man snapped back.
Yeulga chuckled.
"I'll write you out some directions."
"Thanks!"
"Three gold coins for a basilisk well slain," said Spider-man as they made their way through the streets of Little Monds. "Three for a small raw basilisk skin, two for a fat vial of basilisk venom, and one for a small pair of basilisk fangs. Nine gold coins. I'd say that's a good haul."
"Mm," Logan grunted in agreement.
"What's next?"
"This one should be easy."
Spider-man pointed at a cart.
"That's the mimic."
Logan stepped forward and slashed it. Instead of metal his claws sliced through flesh.
The workers all clapped.
"Well that was easy," said Spider-man flipping another gold coin.
"Told ya," said Logan.
"What's our last one?"
"Well it was pretty vague but I'm sure it ain't noth'n we can't handle."
Spider-man knocked on the door to a nice house.
"Hello?" he called.
After a long moment, the door creaked open by the tiniest crack.
"Yes?" answered a husky voice.
"Um hi," said Spider-man. "We're adventurers. We're here about the quest you submitted."
The door creaked open a little wider, just enough for a dark ringed eye to peer out at them.
"You're men," said the voice surprised.
"Last time I checked," gruffed Logan.
"Well half the people down here do think you're a half dwarf," said Spider-man nonchalantly.
"Yah if you make a single crack about that I'm gonna…"
"Thank the gods," said the dwarf behind the door. "I never thought I'd be so happy to see a man on my doorstep but I don't think I could bare to show my face to another dwarf."
"Well are ya' gonna let us in or are we just gonna stand out here and blab about it all day?" asked Logan.
"Very well," said the dwarf. "But I will warn you, I am a hideous sight. Please don't scream. Only look upon me with pity."
The dwarf opened the door just enough for them to squeeze inside and squeeze inside they did. Both had to turn sideways as they slid in one after the other before the door was abruptly closed again.
"Alright, what's going on in here?" asked Wolverine turning to their host.
The dwarf looked ill with sunken purple eyes and pale skin. He was older, bald, and clean shaven. He took a deep breath, as if on the verge of tears and weakly said.
"Greetings, I'm…Barm."
"Hi Barm," said Spider-man.
"You feel'n alright?" asked Logan. "You look like you could use a…"
"I'm BEARDLESS!" he cried clamping his face in his hands.
"Oh."
"Someone shaved me! They shaved me," he sobbed.
"Who?"
"I don't know!"
"Is that why we're here?" asked Logan unimpressed. "Someone shaved you?"
"Of course!" exclaimed Barm. "I suppose you wouldn't understand. Shaving a dwarf is the ultimate insult, it's reserved for your worst enemy. It is the ultimate dishonor. Your enemy is flaunting, saying they could have killed you but instead they…killed your dignity so now you have to live with your shame."
"Wow," said Logan.
"So you need us to figure out who shaved you?" said Spider-man.
"Yes! I didn't even know I had such an enemy. Why would someone do this?"
"Well I guess that's what we got to figure out," said Logan. "So, you sure you don't have any enemies?"
"None that I know of personally. I'm sure there are many people that dislike me in a professional sense but I never thought I had an enemy of this magnitude."
"Hmm."
"Mind if we look around your house?" asked Spider-man.
"What for?"
"Well, we've got to start somewhere and if you don't have any idea who could have done it, we've got to start by looking for clues."
"Oh, alright. Just don't break or steal anything."
Wolverine and Spider-man started making their way through the dwarven home. Logan was sniffing the air.
"Smell anyone else?" asked Spider-man.
"Noth'n. Just smells like a dwarf who's been locked up in his house for a week."
"So you were shaved in your sleep right?" asked Spider-man to Barm who was following them.
"I must have. I don't remember it, but it's odd. After I woke up I'd notice my beard was falling out in clumps. It went on for weeks. They're taunting me! Tormenting me by shaving my beard slowly and deliberately," he cried shaking slightly.
Spider-man put a hand to him.
"I've tried barricading my door, boarding my windows but nothing can keep them out."
Spider-man and Wolverine looked at each other.
"Someth'n seems fishy here," said Wolverine.
As they continued they passed by a locked door.
"What's in there?" asked Spider-man.
"Oh, it's nothing."
The super humans gave each other another look.
"Look bub, if you want us to figure out who has it in for ya' you gotta let us in on your dirty little secrets. Now spill."
"Oh," bristled the dwarf. "Fine! But don't you dare tell anyone about this!"
Pulling out an enormous iron key he unlocked the heavy wooden door.
The room that was revealed was filled with buckets and beakers of a grainy powder glowing an eerie greenish blue.
"What is this?" asked Wolverine moving to grab some.
"Logan don't touch that," exclaimed Spider-man.
"Why‽" he and Barm asked in unison.
"Dude! That's radium! Why do you have all this radium?"
"What in Strana is radium?" asked Barm.
"This," said Spider-man pointing at a pile of glowing powder.
"I found a tunnel with specks of glowing metal, so I've been refining the glow out of it," explained Barm. "Imagine! Light! With no fire, no magic! I'll be rich!"
Spider-man face palmed.
"No one shaved you man…uh dwarf."
"What?"
"Dude, you've got radiation poisoning."
"What's that?"
"How to explain this," said Spider-man running a hand through his hair.
"Ok. This metal is radioactive. You know how things can be hot and you can feel the heat coming off them?"
"Um yah?"
"Radiation is like heat. Objects can put out radiation and like how heat can burn you even if you aren't touching the hot thing, radiation can make you sick. You know how heat can sometimes make things glow? Well radiation can sometimes make things glow. Basically you've got a room full of flaming poison!"
"Wait, I…"
"Symptoms of radiation poisoning," continued Spider-man. "Are things like nausea and vomiting, fatigue, weight loss, headaches, fever and hair loss."
"So the glowing metal made my beard fall out?" asked Barm in disbelief.
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure. I do like to think of myself as an insider expert on all things radioactive."
"Well, what am I supposed to do then?"
"You'll need to live somewhere else for a while and we need to get rid of all this radium."
"What‽" exclaimed Barm. "You just want to take it for yourself."
"Listen. Your life is in danger," said Spider-man without a hint of hyperbole. "It may already be too late. If your hair is falling out you've already gotten a massive dose of radiation and its prolonged exposure. Not acute. That's even more dangerous."
"How can I know I can trust you men?"
"You don't bub," snapped Logan. "But if kid's say'n it's bad news, it's bad news. You can either believe us and get a chance to live or don't believe us and die slow and painful like. Your choice."
The dwarf bristled then considered them.
"If it's so dangerous then why are you so calm standing around in here?"
"I'm already radioactive. The amount of radiation I'll get from this short exposure isn't going to hurt me, and Wolverine here has hyper-accelerated healing. He'll recover from the exposure. Really we are probably the only two people in Strana that can safely move this mess out of here."
"And you expect me to believe that‽"
"Yah kid. That does sound fishy."
"It's the truth. You know it's the truth!"
"Well just 'cause I know don't mean it don't sound like bullshit."
"Ugh,"
"Ok," barked the dwarf. "Say I do believe you. What are you going to do with it?"
"We'll have to bury it somewhere where it won't contaminate anything nearby. No water source, no food soil, no sewer system. Nothing."
"So we find some deep cave to drop it down. Should be easy enough around here," said Wolverine. Hey, can't we just close it in some lead? There's probably plenty of that around here too."
"No actually," said Spider-man. "Radium not only produces gamma rays, it also produces alpha and beta particles."
Wolverine and Barm just looked at him.
"Alpha and beta particles aren't blocked by lead."
"If you say so."
"Listen, if this much radium isn't disposed of properly it could cause a carcinogenic epidemic!"
"Speak English!" snapped Wolverine.
"It could poison Little Monds! Babies and pregnant mothers will be affected the hardest. We probably need to check on your neighbors. They may also already be starting to show signs of radiation poisoning."
"I don't believe you!" snapped Barm suddenly.
"What?" asked Wolverine and Spider-man in unison.
"I don't believe you! There's no way a glowing rock is responsible for my lost beard. Now, are you two adventurers going to find the dwarf that shaved my beard or not?"
The super humans looked at each other.
"But, no one did," said Spider-man.
"Then there's no quest for you here."
The door closed behind them.
Spider-man turned to Wolverine and sighed.
"Want me to go in there and make him… see reason?" asked Wolverine cracking his knuckles.
"No," said Spider-man dejected. "You can't force people to make right decisions for their health."
"You're one to talk," said Logan.
"As are you."
"Come on."
The dwarven inn came into view as the pair made their way through the torch lit streets.
"Well we made twenty gold coins in one day," Spider-man said regaining his chipper attitude. "I'd say that's pretty good, even if that last quest was a bust."
"Mm," Logan grunted.
"Let's just hope the rest of the team did as well as we did."
"You all only earned seven gold coins?" asked Spider-man.
Wyn and Boksee both looked like they wanted to kill him. They were all sat around a table in chairs that were too short for them at the inn. Well, they fit Boksee perfectly for once. Nih had it the absolute worst.
"We had to negotiate with an infestation of fae for four hours," said Boksee. "We got three coins for it."
"And I cleared an entire mineshaft of were-rats," argued Wyn. "I got four."
Spider-man just made an awkward face he might not have realized he was making.
"Well, how much did you two earn?" asked Wyn.
"Twenty," said Spider-man.
"Twenty‽" exclaimed Boksee.
"Gold coins?" asked Wyn in disbelief.
"Yep," said Logan.
"How in Strana did you two earn so much coin‽"
"Well, first we killed a basilisk," listed Spider-man. "Sold its parts. Then we found a mimic. Then we went to go help this bald dwarf but he…"
"You did all that in one evening?" asked Wyn in disbelief.
"I'm the best at what I do tuts," said Logan shrugging.
"And what you do is quests?" asked Spider-man.
"Is now."
"Wait, does that phrase mean you're the best at what you are doing? Whatever that is? Not best at what…you do? Which is something specific… and not very nice? Wait but does that mean everything you do is not very nice…"
Logan gave the struggling Spider-man a look.
"I'm…confused.
"Clearly," said Boksee raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, and Spider-man sold his body," said Logan throwing a thumb.
"Don't call it that!" exclaimed Spider-man snapping out of his thoughts.
"Ohh," said Wyn. "Now it makes sense. You two earned so much coin in unsavory ways."
"We did not!" exclaimed Spider-man.
"Oh," said Boksee. "Spider-man went and stripped for people again and Logan went and pleasured a few. It all makes sense now."
"I'm sorry what?" asked Nih.
Spider-man put his face in his hands while Logan laughed.
"That is not what happened."
"Well regardless," said Wyn. "We still need sixteen more gold coins. And that's if we want to hand over every copper we have."
"I think there were only a few quests left, at this rate, I think the board will run out of quests before we earn enough coin," said Boksee.
"Perhaps, we need to deploy more creativity," said Nih.
"I don't know how much more creative you can get then prostitution," said Boksee smugly.
"Ya know. We actually could start putt'n out," said Logan to Spider-man.
"NO!"
"Yah, you're right. Not even I wanna stoop to choke'n on dwarf bush."
"Lalala, I didn't hear that," said Spider-man.
"Neither did I!" cried Wyn, her hands over her ears and her face a violent shade of red.
"Is it the stooping to the dwarven height or the size of the dwarven underbrush that causes hesitation?" asked Nih pleasantly curious.
"Glad ya asked," said Logan tormenting the rest of his team. "Ya see…"
"LOGAN!" shouted Spider-man tackling him.
The two were on the ground in a wrestling match.
"Well," said Boksee as the team ignored them even as they thumped the table.
"So how are we going to get more coin?" asked Boksee.
"It's not like the mechanist gave us a time limit."
"No, but the longer we wait, the colder Summer's trail may become," said Nih.
"You know, we're doing all this for them," said Boksee looking over at the wrestling superhumans. "You think they'd be involved."
"Not true," said Nih. "A magic user who's willing to damage an ancient tree in the way they did is a magic user I wish to confront."
A hard thump sent Nih's drink falling off the table. He caught it with minimal spillage and a pleasant smile.
"Personally I find their antics rather endearing."
Yeulga and Hingrolf entered the inn. They spotted Wyn, Boksee, and Nih and came over.
"Excuse us," said Yeulga. "Have you seen a pair of men? One in red and blue and a barbarian?"
Spider-man and Logan popped up from under the table.
"Oh, hello," she said surprised.
"Hi Yeulga. What's up?" asked Spider-man putting his elbow on the table like nothing was odd about it.
"Is it normal for men to be under tables?" asked Hingrolf.
"Only when there's a job to do," said Logan with a smirk.
Spider-man sucker punched him in the shoulder.
"Ow."
"What do you need?" asked Wyn.
"My father asked us to find you two," said Yeulga.
"Your father?" asked Spider-man.
"Barm."
"I didn't know he was your dad."
"We had no idea that he had been…" she leaned in and whispered. "…shaved."
Wyn gasped and put a hand to her mouth.
"The poor creature," said Nih.
"Ok, did everyone know about the shaving thing but us?" asked Spider-man.
"Shh," scolded Hingrolf.
"Anyway," said Yeulga. "He told us you had gone to see him earlier and explained the problem. He didn't believe you at the time but he went to an alchemist… and well…he believes you now. He asks for your aid in removing the radius."
"Radium," said Spider-man.
"Right."
"We'll be right there."
"There's a condemned wing of the thirty-first shaft," said a mine planner pointing. The adventurer party as well as the dwarf family were gathered around a map. "Will that suffice?" he asked to Spider-man.
Spider-man mulled it over.
"If it's buried and some sort of warning is put up. Nothing would be underneath it right?"
"Correct."
"So, you're a city official?" asked Logan to Barm. After being convinced by a knowledgeable alchemist that the pair of men were being honest and receiving an excited visit from his daughter and son-in-law about their silk purchase, Barm had sent them to find the men while he used his connections to call up the city mine planner.
"Yes. Honestly, it slipped my mind that you might not know."
"I think we can get it all in one trip," said Spider-man.
"I'll have some terramancers on sight to collapse the shaft."
"Sounds good."
"Honestly, we can't thank you two enough for what you've done for us today," said Yeulga.
"Hey no biggie," said Spider-man. "We're not going to let someone die of radiation poisoning if we can help it."
"Still there must be a reward to give you," said Barm. "I apologize for not paying you earlier. Will the original quest payment suffice?"
"Dad," scolded Yeulga.
"Oh, um, a third more of course."
Yeulga sighed.
"Actually, said Wyn. While I'm sure they'd appreciate payment there's actually something we need more that you might be able to help us with."
"What's that?" asked Barm.
"The reason we came to Little Monds was to learn who this time piece was sold to. Who it belongs to," said Wyn pulling it out. "But mechanist Wheznet refuses to tell us."
"What?" asked Yeulga.
"He said the only way he'd tell us if we bought his clock, which costs fifty gold coins," she continued.
"And we have no use for," added Boksee.
"That's outrageous."
"I don't think he had any intention to tell you," said Hingrolf.
"Well, we took him at his word," said Wyn. "We've been taking quests all day to earn the coin."
"Oh no," said Yeulga. "Spider-man. Is that why you sold us your silk?"
Spider-man shrugged.
"Oh, I feel terrible about that now."
"Don't. He knew what he was doin'," said Wolverine.
"Regardless, it sounds like ol' Wheznet could use a stiff talking to. Come on everyone. Let's let the men get this mess out of here then we'll give that old geezer a stop by."
Using their combined superior and super strengths and with the help of some dwarven miners and terramancers, Wolverine and Spider-man were quickly able to dump and bury the radioactive material in a safe location. After which, they reunited with Wyn, Boksee, and Nih as well as Barm, Yeulga, and Hingrolf.
"Well at least I feel I can show my bare face in public now that I know I'm ill rather than shaven," said Barm as the group made their way to the mechanist.
"Still don't see why it's that big a deal," whispered Wolverine to Spider-man. Spider-man and Boksee chuckled.
They reached the mechanist and knocked on the door.
"Hello‽ Wheznet," called Barm.
There was no answer.
"That's odd."
Barm twisted the doorknob. It opened without resistance and the group entered.
"Wheznet‽" called Barm.
The shop was empty.
"That's odd."
"It is pretty late. Maybe he's closed," said Yeulga.
"Then why was the door open?" asked Wolverine.
"Wheznet‽" called Barm again.
Spider-man opened the door to the back.
"Wheznet?" he asked popping his head inside.
Then he stopped.
"Um…guys," he said.
The group quickly followed in behind to see.
The back was a cluttered mess of twisted metal, fallen gears, and half made devices. But that wasn't the concerning part. No, what was concerning was what Spider-man was pointing to. A smear of blood and crimson paw prints led down into a broken door.
"What was that about werewolves?" said Logan.
"I don't think that's what's going on here," said Wyn taking the lead.
She drew her mace as she crouched through the hidden door and descended a set of stairs.
The rest of the team as well as the three dwarves followed behind.
As they reached the bottom it was too dark for Boksee, Wyn and Spider-man to see but everyone else could.
"By the gods," muttered Barm.
Yeulga grabbed her husband's arm in fear.
Even Wolverine gasped.
"What‽ What is it?" cried Boksee.
"By the eternal light of the sun, by the waxing light of the moon, by the fragile light of the firefly, may I too be given sight!" exclaimed Nih.
As soon as the familiar red light of the elf's orb illuminated, a deafening chorus of dog barks sounded.
There were dogs chained to every wall, dozens of them, barking and frothing and snarling.
Spider-man, Wyn and Boksee gasped.
They were mutilated. All of them. Every dog had some part of it missing. Legs, tails, feet, chunks of bodies, and even heads were crudely cut away and replaced with… parts. They were mechanical monstrosities. Clockwork limbs, organs, and bones whirled and hissed and sprung and clunked on the dogs replacing what had been torn away.
The team and dwarves almost as one took a step back in retreat from the mutilated beasts.
"What are you doing down here?" snapped an enraged voice.
Wheznet stepped through a door at the end of the basement.
"We should ask you the same question," snapped Boksee.
"Get out! You are not allowed to be down here!"
"What, what have you done‽" cried Barm. "You, you're going to explain this right now!"
"What the fuck is there to explain?" snapped Logan. "He's sick!"
"Of course," said Wheznet, the ancient dwarf rolling his eyes. "Of course, of course, I knew no one would understand. Don't you see what's right in front of you? New legs, new ribs and flesh to replace what has been lost to injury and disease."
"They weren't injured you cut off their limbs!" cried Boksee.
"Wheznet listen to me," said Spider-man seriously stepping forward. "I've known many scientists, geniuses just like you who wanted to help people. I even worked with a few. Some were my teachers. They wanted to improve the world but in the process forgot to not harm it. They started off with good intentions but ended up bringing pain and horrible suffering to others and themselves. History's greatest monsters are those who believe they are doing something good, because they forget that the ends don't justify the means, and sometimes the ends aren't worth justifying at all."
"Oh shut up you prattling willow-waisted fool!" snapped Wheznet. "You don't know anything. None of you do. How could you? Dwarves like me see past the arbitrary rules of decency that hold us all back. Keep us mediocre and dull. I wish to shine! I'm too old to spend any more of my life tinkering away at petty time pieces and trinkets!"
The dogs were in a fit.
"You! You were the ones that killed Spring!" he cried.
The dogs howled in pain and madness.
"I won't let you stand in my way. I won't let you kill me too! RELEASE!" he boomed.
At the magical command, the chain latches that held the dogs in place all unlocked. Before they had a chance to stop him, Wheznet disappeared.
"Watch out!" cried Spider-man.
He grabbed the three dwarves, tossed them in the air and webbed them to the ceiling as the mechanical hell hounds attacked. Spider-man rounded in a kick smashing his foot through a boney jaw.
"Sorry Cujo," growled Wolverine slashing through a pair of dogs that came at him.
"Isn't there any way we can save them‽" cried Boksee.
Wyn smashed a skull in as a dog tried to attack her.
"They are too mangled," said Nih slicing through another with his sickle. "They are nothing but suffering."
A dog nearly plunged its teeth into his back but Spider-man was quicker. He webbed and yanked the hound back away from the dark elf.
Seizing the moment, Nih summoned his vine of thorns and joined Spider-man snagging dogs and tossing them into the walls. The stunned beasts were then helpless but to be slashed and bludgeoned by Wolverine and Wyn as they fell to the floor.
With a tear in her eye, even Boksee began cutting the dogs down.
The dwarves on the ceiling screamed and cried as they watched the adventurers below cleave their way through the horde of clockwork hellhounds. Eventually the last one fell to the floor, it's mechanical limbs still twitching.
The adventurers stood, covered in dog blood and oil.
Wolverine spat some out of his mouth.
"I'm gonna kill him. Where's that Wheznet‽ I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna kill him!"
"I'll…" said Barm stunned as Spider-man helped them all back down. "I'll alert the authorities. Wheznet is a wanted man for illegal experimentation and disturbing cruelty."
"Don't forget attempted murder," said Wyn.
"He did. He tried to kill us just now didn't he?" asked Yeulga.
"'fraid so," said Logan.
"I'll kill him!" cried Hingrolf.
"Join the line," said Wolverine.
Boksee looked down sadly at the dead dogs.
"They didn't need to die," she said. "They were tortured into madness. They weren't bad."
Logan put a hand to her shoulder.
"I know," he said.
"Do you think maybe he was Summer?" asked Wyn as the group stepped out of the mechanist's shop.
"Not sure," said Logan.
"Shouldn't we be hunting him down?" asked Spider-man.
"I'll ask you please not to," said Barm. "We appreciate everything you've done for us. We're in your debt but I'll ask that you let the authorities handle it from here. A scandal this large would only be compounded if we had to let a group of wandering adventurers handle our law enforcement."
"We understand," said Wyn.
In a bit of a funk, the team made their way back toward the inn.
"Well that was horrible," said Boksee.
"Quite," agreed Nih.
"So, what are we going to do with all our coin now?" asked Spider-man.
"Um, save it," said Wyn.
Logan smirked.
"I know what I'm gonna do."
"Tonight, the fire wine's on me!" shouted Logan to the cheers of an enormous dwarven pub.
His team mates just gave him an incredulous look.
"What?" asked Logan. "Gotta forget the day somehow. "Besides, we fuck'n earned it today!" he shouted to the room and the room cheered back.
Many drinks and cheers later, Spider-man was standing awkwardly at the side of the room with Wyn and Boksee.
"You know I never understood why people do that," said Spider-man.
"Do what?" asked Wyn.
"What's the point of paying for everyone else to get drunk? That stuff's expensive."
"It's for the fuck'n clout," slurred Logan coming up behind him.
"I didn't even know you knew that word."
"Everyone's your fuck'n friend. Or they fuck'n hate you but they're still gonna drink your drink. That's fuck'n power."
"Wow, you are um, really drunk."
"And you're fuck'n adorable," he said falling around Spider-man's shoulder.
"What‽" cried Spider-man.
"You, you know. We, we're more than friends," slurred Logan.
"Oh gosh!"
"Me and you, we're like brothers. You're my brother."
"Oh thank the lord."
"You're the best baby brother I got. You were born so late in life but ya made my life, so much more richer."
"Uh…"
"You were born so small but you were so fuck'n beautiful. So beautiful. I knew, I knew you had to live."
"What is happening?" asked Spider-man. "You were nowhere near my birth. At least, at least I hope so."
"The only other brother I got is Sabretooth. And he's the kind of brother that fuck'n hates me. And he smells. Real bad."
"You're one to talk. Wait, are you two actually brothers? I can believe that. What is real with you‽"
"Wolverine, I've returned with the ginger," said Nih walking up happily. "Oh my."
"Don't bother," said Spider-man with Logan flopped over him, his toothy face flushed. "If he has one more drink I don't think even his healing factor will save him."
"You don't hate me though," Logan continued to slur at Spider-man. "You don't hate anyone. You're such a good kid."
Logan threw up into the floor and partially on Spider-man.
Spider-man just stood there and inhaled.
Logan awoke.
IT WAS SO LOUD!
It was so bright! So noisy. His eyes clamped closed he shot up, claws ejected.
A pair of hands landed around his ears.
"Oh," he groaned calming down.
He breathed deeply in the darkness of his closed eyes and the dulled mumblings of the hands around his ears until the excruciating pain in his head eased.
"Thanks," he grumbled reaching up to the hands.
They pulled away and Logan opened his eyes.
Spider-man was sitting beside him.
"Oh, hey kid."
"Hey Wolvie. Welcome back to the land of the sober."
"That was one of the worst hang overs of my life. Sheesh. What the fuck did you let me do to myself?"
"What? How is it my fault?"
"Ain't everything your fault?"
"I…hmm."
"Looks like some party. What'd I miss?"
"Well you got completely shit-faced, threw up on me, started three fights, made seven untoward remarks toward the fairer sex, and made some very inappropriate remarks about Boksee's name, all in a span of fifteen whole minutes… I'm guessing. We never bought that clock."
"Heh, a new record."
"Yah, um by the way," said Spider-man putting his hand behind his head. "Uh… were you at my birth?"
"What? No."
"Ok just making sure."
"Not that I remember…"
"Wait there's still a possibility?"
"Where'd you get this idea? Was it drunk me?"
"Yah."
"Don't listen to what that guy says. He's an idiot. Where's everyone else?"
"Where do you think?" asked Spider-man pointing.
The rest of the party was across the pub floor.
Nih was dancing around with a drinking horn in his hand, his long white hair swaying around him and a hard blush across his dark face. Wyn was passed out happily drooling on a table and Boksee was being flirted on by half a dozen drunken dwarves.
Logan chuckled.
"Alright. You served your time. I'm on babysittin' duty. Get your uptight ass in there."
"Yah, no thanks."
"Lighten up."
"You know I don't drink."
"You earned it today."
"No, really I…"
Suddenly the entire building shook.
"What was that‽" cried Spider-man.
"Trouble," declared Wolverine.
The two super humans ran out of the pub and onto the streets of Little Monds. The sight that met them made them both do an astounded double take.
A massive mechanical golem, the size of a sentinel was stomping through the city. It's metal joints screeched as it lumbered. Its clockwork gears twisted and whirled. Upon its shoulders stood a carved metal mask in the shape of a massive dwarven face.
"Holy-!" cried Spider-man.
"Looks like Ol' Wheznet's been busy!" shouted Wolverine.
Claws ejected, and springing from rooftop to rooftop, the super humans ran toward the mechanical behemoth.
As the giant golem turned building after building to rubble, Spider-man outpaced Wolverine and neared it first.
A few smaller, dwarf sized golems were running rough shot through the streets attempting to smash and hammer anything and anyone they came in contact with.
Spider-man webbed one that was in mid strike on a she-dwarf and sent it hurtling into a stone building. The golem was stunned, a few gears popping out but it didn't go down. Claiming a long piece of broken door, the super hero then used it like a massive baseball bat slamming it into the thing's metal face. The entire head was cleaved straight off by the power of Spider-man's swing. The golem carried on none the wiser.
"Oh great!" shouted Spider-man as Wolverine finally caught up. "These things use zombie rules."
"The fuck does that mean‽" shouted Logan slicing through one.
"They work without a head!"
Wolverine had indeed sliced through the golem's neck sending its head flying. The body punched him in the gut sending him tumbling.
"Good to know," he grunted landing flat on his back.
Spider-man jumped over him and swung at the golem that had attacked Wolverine. It went flying.
"These stupid things are hardy!" he exclaimed.
Wolverine was on his feet.
"Look out!"
Spider sense!
The giant swung at them.
Logan sliced through its hand, his adamantium managing to tear through the copper and brass. The palm inside was hollow and the monstrous clockwork golem continued on unphased.
"Well that didn't work."
Spider-man's turn.
Running around its feet, he began webbing its ankles together. Around and around he went until the webbing was thick and solid.
The mechanisms of the golem whirled and spun, smoke sputtering from somewhere deep within it as it attempted to pull its legs free.
He sent out a web line and launched himself into the very chest of the thing. He dented it, nearly toppling it. But instead of following over, it simply bent backwards, reoriented itself and swatted him away. Spider-man dodged but was forced back down to the ground. He landed by Wolverine.
"This thing has gyroscopic balance," said Spider-man.
At last it pulled its first leg free, followed by the second.
"Don't know what that means, but sounds like ol' Wheznet ain't play'n."
"You could say that."
"So time we stopped."
A smaller golem came at him.
Wolverine shouted in fury as he plunged his claws straight down the machination's headless body. In an explosion of gears and oil the golem sprung apart, springs and gears going everywhere. From the thing a thumb sized purple gem clattered to the floor.
Spider-man quickly picked it up.
It was hot and something inside it was glowing. He could…he could feel it screaming!
Spider-man dropped the thing and withered back with a scream of his own.
Logan caught it and gave it a look.
"Looks like we know who stole the soul gems."
"Oh gosh. Oh gosh!" cried Spider-man.
"Get ahold of yourself!"
"I can feel it Logan! Someone's in there! They're screaming!"
"Yah someone who was bad enough the death penalty was too light. No wonder these things are tearing up the city."
Logan tossed the little gem in one of his pouches.
"Come on! You start on the giant! I'll finish up the small fry!" instructed Logan.
"R-right. Right!"
Wolverine dashed through the streets, following the screams of frightened dwarves and the smell of oil until finding each and every smaller golem. He cleaved his claws through their bodies busting them open like broken toys. It was hard and took a massive amount of strength to force his claws through their metal shielding but one by one they fell. He made sure to collect the small purple gem that fell from each of them.
Spider-man was having less success.
He webbed the things legs together again but it pulled itself free. He launched himself into its body but he simply bounced off, the force of his attacks only slowing the golem for a second.
Ok, he was going to have to get creative.
He stared up at the behemoth. It stared back down at him and attempted to swat him.
"Well if I can't take you down from the outside, I'll have to take you down from the inside!"
Spider-man leapt onto the thing's hand and ran up its arm to its chest.
Grabbing a piece of its metal armor he yanked it off exposing its clockwork gears. He started gunking it up with webbing.
He saw the gears start to stick and mangle and success! Its right arm was suddenly stiff and unusable.
"YOU CHILD OF A MAN-BITCH!" boomed the golem in an echoey metallic voice.
That voice!
Mechanist Wheznet, he was inside this golem!
Spider-man quickly leapt over the head and to the other shoulder and ripped off its armor as well. He repeated the process of gunking up its gears.
Logan came running up the street.
"Wolverine!" shouted Spider-man. "Wheznet's IN this one!"
"You don't say!"
"I do."
"Well then. Looks like ol' giant here gets extra attention."
With its arms disabled, Logan took a running leap at the golem and flung his claws into the metal of its leg. He then used his claws like ice picks to scale it. He reached its chest and started slashing away.
"Don't kill him!" shouted Spider-man.
"I ain't!" shouted Wolverine back.
He peeled back the metal with the most hideous screeches until a figure sat within started to come into view.
"NO! NO! GET AWAY!"
Spider-man was still yanking pieces of armor off and trying to do as much damage as he could. He spotted something familiar and smiled. It was a screw sticking out that looked like it had nothing to do with anything else.
Without another thought, Spider-man grabbed it and twisted it out of place.
Apparently, like his gut instincts had told him, this screw was actually very important.
With the sound of something popping out of place, suddenly the entire golem shuddered and lost stability.
Now was his chance!
Throwing out a web line, Spider-man flung himself in an enormous flying arc through the cave.
"Gang way Wolvie!" he shouted.
Wolverine leapt from the golem as Spider-man brought both feet smashing into the side of it. At last it tumbled to the ground, smashing against a few stone houses as it went.
Without missing a beat, Wolverine ran up and in one last thrust finished tearing away at the chest plate. A disoriented Wheznet was revealed.
"You broke me. An old dwarf and you've broken me," he whimpered as his body was covered in deep bruises.
Logan leapt forward, his claws ejected in the mechanist's face.
"It's over Summer," he growled.
Wheznet looked up at him, then laughed.
"I'm not Summer you idiot," he spat, blood dripping from his mouth. "And I'll never tell neither. Rot in the bowels of the underworld you daylight troll. He spat, literally this time, blood and spit onto Logan's face. Then the ancient dwarf's cataract laden eyes glossed over, his mouth hanging ajar. He was dead.
Spider-man landed beside Logan.
"Fuck! Kid I didn't…"
"I know. I saw. He died of injuries. Crap. We accidently killed a man," said Spider-man putting his hand over his face.
"No kid. He killed himself. We were defending a bunch of innocent people. He had to be stopped. We did it as gentle as we could," said Logan putting a firm, thick hand to Spider-man's shoulder. "Don't beat yourself up over this. He was an old, old man…uh dwarf."
Spider-man sighed.
As the dwarven authorities finally ran to meet them, Wolverine and Spider-man looked down at their now dead lead.
The End.