Chapter Sixteen: An American Tale

Sirius woke up at dawn. It was time for Quidditch practice. His wrist burned as James waited impatiently. Sometimes, his best friend was less than ideal. Sirius almost made it out of bed, but collapsed once more under the covers.

Sirius woke up at ten o'clock. Quidditch practice was over. He had slept through it. He could almost see Remus in the corner of the dormitory, whispering something. Sirius had one foot on the floor, but it was so cold.

Sirius woke up at noon. Breakfast was over. Someone was shaking him. It looked like Remus. It had Remus' eyes, Remus' nose, and Remus' funny hair. It was probably Remus.

Remus had watched Sirius try to get up three times. It was very funny. Unfortunately, if Sirius kept this up, he would miss the train home, and they would miss their publicity stunt in California. Remus toyed with the possibility that Sirius had forgotten that they were going to California.

"Sirius! You've got to get up; it's our pre-NEWT study break. We're going to California, remember?"

"Hello Remus."

"Don't hello me! Have you even packed? Do you realize what this means?"

"You look nice, Remus."

Sirius finally got up at 12:30 in the afternoon. Remus had enlisted Lummy to come and wake up Sirius. What annoyed Sirius most was that instead of using a nice wake-up kiss; Lummy had used her well to pour water all over him.

At least he didn't need to take a shower now.

Sometime around two-thirty, the Marauders had finally piled onto the Hogwarts Express for their train ride home. Sirius' robes were hanging out of his trunk where it had not closed properly, and his ordinarily immaculate appearance was wanting. James was stroking Lily's hair intently, but Lily appeared to be telling the prefects what they needed to do instead of paying attention to James. Lummy was curling the tips of her long blond hair with her wand and observing the effects in the Hogwarts Express windows. She found it excessively boring, but Sirius had fallen asleep again. Harold was chatting amicably with Gerald Afbetoqui, who had somehow worked his way onto the train. Remus was reading.

"Now mates, here's a schedule."

"Why aren't we seeing any sights?"

"Because, well, there's nothing to see," lied Remus. Sirius looked skeptical, but agreed to the plan.

"When are Harold, Lummy, and Gerald joining us?"

"Three or Four days from now, I 'spect."

In a few moments, Sirius, James, and Remus found themselves in the middle of Beverly Hills. Immediately after they exited the small wood used as an Apparition point, Sirius was accosted by a crowd of girls,

"Wow, it's him!"

Luckily, Remus was ready.

"Now is not the time girls! You can catch your favorite star and get his autograph if you come to the Cardinal Ballroom of the Beverly Hills Hotel – remember, first come first served, take a flyer!" as he threw an entire stack of flyers at the group of girls, mouthed RUN to Sirius and James. Once they had escaped, Sirius asked,

"Remus, is my television show really this popular?"

"Sirius, please look up at the billboards around us. What do you notice?"

Each of the boards had Sirius' face pasted on it and various captions including "Vote for America's Sexiest Bachelor online," and "Don't miss Sirius, the Teenage Wizard, on ABC every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday."

After Sirius was able to close his mouth and stop gazing at the thousands of pictures of himself, Remus hailed a cab and took it to the Beverly Hills Hotel. He wasn't quite sure how much money the cab driver was looking for, so he just handed him a fifty dollar bill and skipped out of the car.

"Was that Muggle money, Moony?" asked James, interestedly.

"Yea, I hope I gave him the right amount. Now, James and I will be meeting with the ABC executives right now, and Sirius will be signing pictures of himself in the ballroom."

Sirius looked less than happy about this. The three of them walked into the ballroom where there was a table surrounded with gifts with one lonely looking chair behind it. On the table, there was a stack of pictures about a foot high. Behind the table, a banner announced,

"RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR AUTOGRAPH TABLE."

James and Remus braced themselves for the whiplash.

"Hey Moony…why does it say Rufus Scrimgeour?" questioned Sirius in a dangerously sweet tone.

"Er…well…we couldn't put your real name on the contract. It would be weird if your real name was the same as your television name."

"So my name is…Rufus Scrimgeour? As in…the ugly Hufflepuff?"

"Umm, yes?"

Sirius looked almost menacing now.

"What's Lummy's new name?"

James and Remus looked at each other nervously. Picking a name that would annoy Sirius seemed terribly foolhardy now. James took a deep breath and replied,

"Narcissa Avery."

"As in my horrible cousin, Narcissa, and my brother's best friend, Avery?"

"That seems about right."

Remus decided to do some quick thinking –

"Actually, James will stay here with you and…er…oversee your progress. I'll handle the meeting alone. See you all."

Remus Disapparated. James decided that it was probably a good idea to stay with Sirius to ensure that he didn't hex any of his fans in anger.

In the time that the three Marauders had been talking, a lengthy line had been formed in front of the table. The line circled through the red roping that had been set up for that purpose, and nearly reached the door of the massive ballroom. A large lady was staring down at Sirius expectantly.

"Hello miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

Instead of replying, the lady began to gush,

"Oh Rufus, I love your work. When you refused to kiss that Lurmy girl for the tabloid, I thought, what a gentleman."

"Yes, that's very nice miss, but what name shall I write?"

"Anna Schilling."

Sirius wrote "To Anna Schilling, much love," grimaced, then continued, "Rufus Scrimgeour."

When the lady left, he turned around and gave James a dirty look. The next fan was a pretty girl with red hair. Behind him, he heard James breathe "Lily".

"Hello miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

"Rufus Scrimgeour, you have like, no idea, how long I've waiting to meet you!"

"Please, call me Sirius."

"Wow, you are like totally a method actor. It is absolutely amazing."

"Thank you, but what name shall I write?"

"Susan Fischer."

Sirius wrote "To Susan Fischer, much love, Sirius Black." The girl looked confused for a moment, but gratified, and left.

Some five hundred fans later, Sirius' hand felt as though it was about to fall off. And still the line was pushing the limits of the ballroom. The next woman looked like she was very worn and tired.

"Hullo miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

"Pictures, sorry, I've got five girls."

Sirius felt a rush of sympathy for the woman – she reminded him of Gideon Prewett's elder sister, Molly. Although, he now remembered that she had five boys, the youngest two were twins.

"Could you sign your name as Rufie? My husband's name is Rufus, and I don't want them to get confused."

The rush of sympathy was gone.

Sirius signed six pictures for "Mrs. Scapperman, Rinkie, Flinkie, Minkie, Binkie, and Zoë," each with a love Rufie appended to the end. At the last name, he gave a little laugh and asked if the last one was a mistake. The woman threw him a look of pure loathing and left. James was forced to stop Sirius from throwing a stinging hex after her.

Sirius decided to start "signing" the photographs under the table, allowing him to wave his wand instead of writing it out painstakingly. After an additional three hundred fans (thankfully, James had closed the entrance to the ballroom some forty-five minutes ago), Sirius was nearing the end. The next girl had long blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. Sirius did a double take…she looked extraordinarily like Lummy…but that was impossible, Lummy was in Delaware.

Gingerly, Sirius began, "Hullo miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

"Don't you notice me? I look just like your one true love, Narcissa Avery. Don't you love me Rufus? I've gotten thousands of dollars of plastic surgery done, and just for you, Rufus. Why Rufus, you've stolen my heart."

Sirius, unable to think of any proper response, conjured at life-size heart using his wand and handed it to the drooling girl.

"Here, I'm returning the heart I stole from you." The blonde girl shrieked in a very un-Lummy-like way, and yelled,

"This is DISGUSTING! I HATE Rufus Scrimgeour!"

James quickly followed the distraught girl out, allowing Sirius to finish signing autographs. Sirius continued muttering something that sounded like "crazed Muggles," but thankfully did not conjure anything else before the autograph session ended. When the last giggling girl had finally left, clutching the signed photograph, James turned to Sirius in annoyance.

"You could've had us caught…what were you thinking?"

"C'mon mate, if you'd been me, you would've jinxed her."

James nodded ruefully, and they left the ballroom in silence.

In the meantime, Remus had made the best deal of his life. Sirius was going to be spectacular, he would go to the Oscars, and Remus would be exalted for finding the world's hottest actor. And he would be rich.

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A superbly long chapter, no? Now then, for more where that came from, review!