Chapter Eighteen: The Movie Deal

Remus had just broken the news of Sirius' new movie deal to James. However, Remus frowned…James was not looking as excited about it has he was.

"Prongs ol' boy, this is the real deal…the Oscars, mate!"

"He's not going to like it."

"He'll love it! C'mon, it's an amazing, touching tale of human emotion."

Remus listened properly to what he had just said. Sirius Black would hate it. He left James to break the news to their young star.

Sirius Black had just discovered television. And Pay-per-view! He was eagerly flipping through the different shows using the remote, why, it was like magic! It was the only thing he could do to get his mind off that horrible girl at the autograph session…how dare she try to look like Lummy? There was a knock on the door as he went through the jinxes he would have liked to use on her.

"Yes?"

"It's Prongs."

"Come on in, Jimmy."

Sirius smirked, because James hated it when he was called Jimmy. But James didn't make any retorts, which was a sure sign that something was wrong. In fact, if Sirius didn't know better, he would have thought that James was afraid. Afraid of what, was the question.

"Hey Padfoot…Remus signed you up for this movie, it's a pretty sweet deal."

Sirius quirked an eyebrow, and asked interestedly,

"Lemme guess…I'm a pirate? With a swashbuckling crew of motley fools?"

"No actually…not that that makes any sense –"

"No wait, I'm an oil magnate, looking upon his millions, yearning for a girl to love…and just the right one comes along…." Sirius gazed away dreamily, thinking of one Luhrmalleen Delaware. James grimaced, but plowed onward,

"No, actually, you're a. –"

"Sword-wielding Prussian, with his armies sweeping behind him…." Sirius got up and almost impaled James with what was supposed to be a sword, but was actually a large lollipop he had received from an admirer. James ducked, and tried again,

"No, Sirius, you're – "

But Sirius was not to be daunted, for he spoke up again,

"A Prince! Who can't bear to look upon his countrymen toiling as he lounges over seas of silken sheets, and…."

"SHUT UP!" cried James, finally on the end of his tether. He grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and snatched the lollipop from his hand.

"Sirius, you will play a homeless man."

"A…a homeless man? But I'll do something adventurous and dashing in the script, and become president or something, right?" sputtered Sirius, weakly.

"Well, not precisely adventurous…more along the lines of finding your soul."

"But I'll get a gorgeous girl and we'll have brilliant, beautiful children?"

"You do get a girl, but she dies, and she's not all that gorgeous."

"Damn. I don't even want to see this movie, let alone be in it! At least I'll get to look dashing, if nothing else," lamented Sirius.

"Sirius, we can't have a handsome homeless man. It has to be believable."

"I have to be ugly?"

"It'll get you an Oscar?"

"James, I'm not gay."

"Oscar's not a guy; it's a prize you get for being amazingly good at acting."

"Well, I don't want it. At least I won't have to go by Rufus, I can keep my real name, because I'm acting," tried Sirius, looking superbly melancholy. James looked positively appalled after he said this, because a moment afterward, he replied,

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"Your name can't be Sirius. That's the name you have on your television show. Instead, we've found a more fitting name for you."

"Oh, can I be Alexander? Or…get this…Charles de Gaulle, now that Muggle was one ass-kicker."

"You already have a name."

"What is it? Don't tell me…Severus," suggested Sirius, mockingly.

"It's Peter."

Sirius' eyes widened – he, Sirius Black, was being forced to play an ugly homeless man, with no luck with girls, and the most horrible, namby-pamby name in the world. He turned around, slammed the door in James' face, and began throwing every item of furniture out the window. James winced with every crash, especially the shattering of the table lamp, and went to break the news to Remus.

Remus, on the other hand, was very happy. He had just received his owl post, and the pretty Ravenclaw he had an eye on had just sent him a quick greeting. He puffed out his chest in pride – she must have heard about how he had made Sirius Black an American celebrity. She was very good at Arithmancy, and knew Ancient Runes almost as well as he did. So much for Sirius' complaint that all girls in their year were idiots! It would be perfect…if only it weren't full moon. Remus curled up in his end of the Presidential Suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel, cleared the room of anything that could be damaged, and began to transform.

James realized with a start that Lummy and Harold were arriving from Delaware today, and he needed to go to the airport to pick them up. Luckily, there was a limousine waiting in the hotel parking lot for the express use of "Rufus Scrimgeour's entourage." As James exited the lobby, he noticed that a crowd of people had gathered around the pile of broken furniture that Sirius persisted in throwing from his window.

"CRASH!" He was sure that the last one was a portion of a Louis XIV style cabinet. But why was everyone gathered there? Someone had even set up a computer atop his SUV, watching the spectacle.

"Oi – why are you all here watching the man chuck stuff out of his window?"

He was surprised to be answered by a pretty girl with shoulder-length black curls, who submitted,

"This was thrown by Rufus Scrimgeour, the most famous actor ever. I'm keeping some of it, and selling the rest on eBay." She was interrupted by a scruffy-looking man with an axe, who appeared to be hacking up the Louis XIV cabinet,

"This stuff sells fast – I sold the glass from that broken light bulb for ten grand just a few minutes ago."

"Doesn't the hotel mind?"

"Not as long as we give 'em a percentage of our profits!"

James tore himself away from the eagerly awaiting crowd – one girl had actually caught the water jug that Sirius had just thrown – and ran into the limousine, and they set off for the airport.

It appeared that James had set off for the airport not a second too soon, and perhaps a good many seconds too late. A crowd of fans was already waiting at the arrivals gate, whispering eagerly. He heard snatches of a particular conversation –

"I heard Narcissa Avery was coming in today."

"With her boyfriend."

"And she has a body double."

"I'm going to get her autograph!"

"I'm going to get a lock of her hair!"

James was especially upset by the last admission, and ran to the arrivals gate, where the angry flight aids had closed off all access. He approached them and asked if this was the plane with Narcissa Avery and her sister Harold?

"What d'you thinks, mister? We get this much of a crowd for every flight from Delaware?"

"Sorry miss, could I pick them up and leave? The limousine is waiting."

The woman scowled, but James could see Harold, Lummy, and Gerald making their way gingerly out of the walkway from the airplane.

"Go ahead sir, and be quick about it."

As soon as the crowd got a glimpse of Lummy, it was as though a dam had burst. Thousands were bursting in, shouting "Narcissa Avery" at the top of their lungs, and crushing James slowly and painfully into a metal bar.

"James! You have no idea how glad I am to see you," began Gerald, as he and James created a sort of protective barrier around Harold and Lummy.

"Was it this bad all the way through?"

"No, at the beginning it was fine because no one seemed to recognize us and Harold and Lummy's passports say strange things on them. But it was at a stopover in Chicago that all hell broke out," and Gerald gave a little shake as though he'd rather not remember Chicago O'Hare airport.

"What happened?"

"Oh, some lovestruck teenage boy began to serenade Lummy, something like Narcissa, my Narcissa, and soon everyone was hanging around us, trying to touch something we owned."

They finally reached the waiting limousine – it was thankful that they had only hand luggage – and they sped away to the airport. James took a survey of the situation, Lummy was looking extraordinarily flushed for someone so easygoing, and Harold was taking short gasps of air while clutching Gerald's fingers. This last bit made James smile at last, and soon they were nearing the hotel.

"What is that?" asked Lummy, clearly referring to the scene taking place in front of the hotel. It seemed that Sirius had still not run out of things to throw out the window – yes, that was a refrigerator. It also seemed that Sirius was sick of Pay-per-view, since the remnants of his television appeared strewn artfully upon the Louis XIV style desk.

"Come inside and I'll tell you," whispered James, once he spotted a tabloid journalist eyeing them hopefully from the wreckage.

On the way up the elevator, James told the woeful tale about how Remus had signed a contract for Sirius' behalf, forcing him to play a homeless man. Lummy's eyes narrowed – it was clear that she would be taking Sirius' part in this – but she said nothing as they made their way into the presidential suite.

Sirius' door was still closed, although from the sound of it, he was having difficulty finding more things to throw. James thought he heard something along the lines of "That's right, six-hundred grand for the shattered Louis XIV style desk," but he decided to forget about the mayhem below. Lummy tried knocking on the door, but even her sweet words did not cause the door to open. As a result, the four of them all disappeared into their respective corners of the suite, and went to the sleep to the crashing of fine furniture.

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It's fun to watch destruction, no? Seek and Review...Metallica.