Chapter Twenty-eight: Hijinks and Counterjinxes

"Now, now, Monsieur Blaque, one must hold the lady gently."

The Frenchman with the obnoxious mustache was tapping his foot to the slow waltz. Lummy was wearing rather frilly dress robes that reminded Sirius of his annoying cousin, Narcissa. His midnight blue robes were his favorite, but he could think of many things he would rather be doing.

"Step, two, three, four, Twirl, two, three, four…and sha-say," repeated the Frenchman, enjoying Sirius' embarrassment.

"Professor Slughorn, this is not a prize," muttered Sirius, his eyes imploring.

"Of course not, it's an attraction. Why do you think I had a potions-off?"

"Er…to demonstrate our efficacy at concoction?" suggested Lummy rather arrogantly.

"Well, in a way, but I really needed you two to open my little shindig," explained Professor Slughorn, his walrus-like arms flailing.

"Please, kill me now," implored Sirius, his arms plastered to Lummy's.

"Not now, silly. It can wait."

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The majority of the Gryffindor Newt level Potions class was gathered in the common room, adorned in various states of dress robes. Lily was clutching nervously to James' arm, donning a very Slytherin green.

"No wonder Sluggy's in bloody love with you! You're a secret slimeball!" announced Sirius, dramatically.

"I will not have you talk to my girlfriend that way, Sirius Black," admonished James, his eyes lighting up when he said "girlfriend". Sirius began muttering something about not putting "hos before bros" that was clearly a result of his daily ballroom dancing lessons with the tubby Potions master. Lily recovered the fastest, and asked Remus politely,

"Who are you bringing?"

"Oh…just…Sasha."

"Ha! I am fantastic. Now, I must convene the SBFC and hand out some awards and promotions." Lily half-expected Lummy to look shocked at her boyfriend maintaining his fan club, but she still had not gotten the full measure of Luhrmalleen Delaware.

"Now I know why he was getting that copy of Witch Weekly. I was almost afraid dear Mr. Black had turned into a woman," smirked Lummy.

"What issue was it?" asked Harold, inquiringly. Gerald Afbetoqui had once again appeared spontaneously in the Gryffindor common room, and he nodded to demonstrate his curiosity.

"Oh, the one where they give all those stupid awards."

"The new one? Hmm, I still haven't read it," piped up Lily, much to James' chagrin, who was about to brag that his girlfriend was above the world of girls and make-up.

Lily bounded back down the stairs, Witch Weekly in hand. She looked expectantly at Lummy.

"Page twenty-seven," answered Lummy, looking bored.

Hogwarts Heartthrob throws a Wrench at Cynics by Lisa

Sirius Black was a bad-boy, a prankster, a Marauder, and not a nice man to know. Entering into the seventh year, the heir of the Black fortune was the resident Hogwarts heartbreaker, and rumored to have inherited his family's dark tendencies, despite his placement into the Gryffindor house. Some even found that the officers of the Sirius Black Fan Club (SBFC), formerly known as SBWA, had risen to high-level Ministry positions.

"It's sooooo obvious that's it's a conspiracy," says an unnamed Ministry witch who has not been able to rise past her desk job.

However, this year, Mr. Heartbreaker is the new paragon of commitment. Since her abrupt arrival to the school, he has been seen daily with the Steward of Delaware, Miss Luhrmalleen. Blonde, cat-eyed, and beautiful, many said that she was just another notch for Mr. Black. However, Luhrmalleen is no ordinary witch, and excels at Potions, Defense against the Dark Arts, and Charms to such a degree that she could even give her top-ranked boyfriend a run for his Galleons. And does he have a lot of Galleons! Furthermore, upon scrutiny, it appears that the SBFC is a legitimate prerequisite to joining the Ministry. Members demonstrate great organization and leadership skills when pursuing this long-time extracurricular. The officers of this institution are selected by application only, and although mere membership is open to all, the elite officer corps uphold a stringent routine. Current President, Seventh Year Ravenclaw Prefect Ashley Turpin gives us her opinion –

"SBWA used to be an appalling club. It was all about making shrines and the sort of Sirius stalking that was completely childish. Sirius soon decided that his name could not be connected with that sort of society. He forced SBWA to change its name and its goals. Now we have a lot of Summer Internships and Tutorial programs done through the club – it'll probably exist even after Sirius leaves. I'm really proud to have made it so far in this organization, and it's helped me get a job in the International Magical Cooperation office, one of the most prestigious branches of the Ministry, after I graduate!"

As a result of these findings, and this stunning picture of Mr. Black, we at Witch Weekly present to you the winner of our "Most Charming Smile Award", as well as the "Beauty and Brains Award" to Miss Luhrmalleen Delaware.

"So what did he need it for?" asked Remus, inquisitively.

"He's going to autograph it and give it someone," answered Lummy.

"Why?" queried James.

"Oh, he uses the club for getting information, and stuff like that. He always gives something to them when stuff goes right."

Something seemed to have clicked for both James and Remus. James held his hand up in the hair, apparently looking for something. Remus noticed the elf-cap in his pocket.

"That's…how…Sasha?"

"And found Amy Moran…?"

"Wow."

Lily, Harold, and Gerald looked at the three of them annoyed.

"Somebody explain?"

"Well, last year Sirius was Quidditch Captain, and he had a hell of a time finding a chaser. Suddenly, one day he came back, and he had a chaser. It was a bit suspicious. I asked him about it, and all he said was that he had done a bit of searching, and there she was. The SBFC gathers information about girls for Sirius, finds out their habits, and gives him reports. That's why when stuff goes well, someone gets rewarded. I remember that the day after Amy Moran helped us win the first match last year, Ashley got some sort of special prize."

"What was it?"

"Oh, er…he kissed her and bought her new dress robes. At the time, we just thought they were going to start dating," replied Remus very quickly, as though Lummy would miss it if it were said faster.

"That was before he met me, though," added Lummy, darkly.

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Violet Frobisher, Sarah Marsden, and Olivia Quirke were among the luckiest members of the SBFC today, because they would be called to the front of the audience at the meeting. In true SBFC tradition, an administrative meeting was called monthly to discuss each member's progress at their respective assignments. Unlike the smaller biweekly meetings, each member was required to be present at these sessions, not even hospital visits would merit an absence. Praise and sometimes rewards would be meted out to those who had completed their respective tasks to par, sometimes even resulting in promotion. Violet remembered that she had been promoted at her very first administrative meeting her third year when she had taken superb notes for a girl who had missed all her classes. As a sixth year, she hoped to man one of the highest officer positions in the coming term.

"Loretta Paisley, please come to the front," ordered President Ashley Turpin. A tiny second year scampered up past the rows of upperclassmen. She was very afraid, because she hadn't completed her task, and she thought she would be demoted.

"Are you friends with a little girl named Amy Moran?"

Loretta nodded.

"What about Felicity Whitman?"

Loretta nodded.

It was now Sirius' time to speak.

"Now, I want you to give these to Amy and say that they are from you, ok?"

He handed her a huge gift bag from Quality Quidditch Supplies. Inside were two rolled up posters, two new Quidditch mitts, and a broom-polishing set. Ashley frowned –

"All those for keeping the first through fourth years in line? Isn't it a bit much, Sirius?"

"A little, perhaps, but she is our star chaser. Now then, where was I? I also want you to give this to Cindy, and say that it is from you."

"Who's Cindy?"

"He means Felicity, sweetheart."

Sirius gave Loretta a second bag, this time it was from Flourish and Blotts. There were two books inside, and a make-up set. Clarissa Waters peered into the bag and gave Sirius a look.

"You gave another first year a copy of that book? Both of them?" Clarissa shook her head and held up copies of Hexing your Friends for Fun, and 101 Pranks to drive your Teachers Batty.

"Signed, too," added Sirius, leaning back on his chair.

"Thank you, Loretta, you are dismissed. Violet Frobisher, Sarah Marsden, and Olivia Quirke, please come to the front."

"Violet, as a token of your unwavering service to the SBFC, we present to you this gift certificate to Madame Malkin's. Now please step to the side for your photograph."

Violet went to go stand next to Sirius, who assumed a lackadaisical pose, and Alice Finchley snapped a photo. Sirius signed the photo, which was already captioned "Violet Frobisher, and the Winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, Sirius Black." Violet went off eagerly with the signed and framed photograph, and nearly forgot the gift certificate. Sarah and Olivia were rewarded in like terms, although ice-cream fanatic Marsden was pleased to receive a lifetime membership to Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, and Miss Quirke was signed up to receive Witch Weekly for the rest of her life for free.

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