CW/TW: strong pain and suicidal thoughts :
This chapter is Reader PoV
It has been two days since we made him recover his voice. Myriam warned me about is lethal abilities or mean speeches but I wasn't prepared for such a burden.
The man kept calling me every hour for nothing else than mocking me.
Well, almost nothing else.
Sometimes, he was asking me about the next stages of his recovery or how we were able to fix and heal simulacrum injuries.
I just told him that we have some knowledges on sim anatomy and healthcare. Myriam seems to be very distrustful toward him and I'd rather wait for her agreement before giving him more informations about us.
I would have liked to know him more and establish a link to earn his trust but he won't open easily.
For now, I willl just keep it simple and take care of him while remaining calm and patient.
I just need to keep in mind that he is in pain. His anger might just be the result of this.
I wonder why he doesn't want to get the anesthetic anymore.
I rarely witness someone being more afraid of a fully controlled artificial coma than a painful operation with only your teeth to grit on.
"Hey! Skinbag!"
There we go again. Less than an hour now. Maybe he is bored.
While I'm walking to his bedroom, I can hear something different that makes me stop mid-way.
He grunts.
He groans.
He whimpers.
He hiss.
He. Is. In. Pain.
I walk faster and open the door promptly.
Once beside him, I see is his eye flickering and twitching while his voicebox generate harsh breathing sounds cut by chocked groans.
I reach for the anesthetic box but before I can place the patches, he yells at me:
"No! I don't want you to use this stupid machinery again. "
I take a deep breath and try to convince him but he is in no mood of listening.
"I said, do NOT use anesthetic anymore!"
"But it will help you with the pain."
"You want to help me THAT badly? Then, kill me!"
I didn't expected that.
I'm too surprised to react and his anger keeps growing up as he starts screaming at me.
"That's what you should have done at the very beginning! But you stupid girl wanted to be a savior. You're fucki..."
The pain cuts him in his rage and makes him scream out and loud.
I'm silently sitting here, not sure of what i can do.
I watch him screaming and grunting for a minute before he comes back to a calmer state.
He doesn't seem angry anymore.
He tries to talk but his panting breath makes it hard.
"I just... I... Want to die... Th... All I want... Just wanna die... You... Kill me... Now..."
His sharp, heavy voice is now slow and soft. He is exhausted.
I am still shaken by his desperate suicidal demand but never would i do what he asks for.
We both remain silent for some minutes and after some reflexion, I say:
"Listen Revenant. I can only imagine how much you suffer and what causes you to act like this..."
I clearly see in his eye that he wants to reply but he is too tired for this.
"... But my family and I aren't killers. We don't kill, even for someone who ask for it. We are healers, helpers, even psychological support if needed. But we won't help for suicide."
He remains silent.
"Please, let us help you. We will do anything in order to make you feel better until you are fully recovered."
He remains silent.
"Tell me, where does it hurt?"
He keeps it quiet for a moment. But since I'm not leaving the room, he finally replies:
"That fucking eye you repaired is malfunctioning!"
"Understood. Do you mind if I give it a check? "
He just groans in response and doesn't tell a thing when my hands approach his optic.
It takes me only some seconds to see the problem. One of the wires got stuck between the skull and the optic it-self and got fully cut after two days of activity.
As if it wasn't painful enough, the wire blast some statics sometimes that sparkles inside of his skull, unnerving the front part of the brain.
I'm about to grab the anesthetic again but I choose to respect his choice and only use it if he asks for it.
I keep talking to him during the full process. I ask how he feels, if he is OK, take time to explain what's happening to his eye and what I'm doing to heal it.
I'm trying to prove that he can trust me by concidering his will of staying conscious and awarded of what i do to him. I don't have anything to hide and he has nothing to be scared of in my company.
Of course, manipulating and meddling his eye ball makes him grunt in pain more than once and my empathy is constantly tempted to grab the anesthetic.
But he handles it well and once the job finished, i put gently the optic back in its cavity.
We both stare at each other and after a while he tells me:
"Why healing someone you know they will suicide whenever they have the opportunity to do so?"
"Because I never give up on people. Because you deserve to live as much as anybody. Because I believe in you."
He is just staring back at me. I can't tell what he is thinking of right now. I can't even tell if he cares for what I said or not.
Since he doesn't answer, I want to clarify something:
"I know you asked for no more anesthetics and I will respect your choice and ask my family to do so. But you have to be warned that we will start working on your spine in less than an hour now. It will be a very painful operation and we will have to strap you on the bed. "
" Straps? Why? "
" Because, at some point, you will be able to move your neck and torso again and it will be dangerous if you twitch and stir while our hands are inside your spinal cord. "
He just gives me a cynical laugh and looks at me again.
" Dangerous you say? You're still afraid of killing me by accident. Expect me to flee away if I have the occasion."
" I know you will dissappear one day and you will kill yourself as soon as you can. But for now, you are my patient. And I won't let you do that. Not under my watch."
He just hums menacingly at me. If he had eyebrows, he would have frown them in a distorted mad way to make me understand that he is NOT happy about it.
I focus to give him a warm and hopeful smile, which is received by a grunt.
I'm ok with that edgy mood now.
I'm beginning to understand him and I can deal with this.
I clean all the mess I created and before I go, I give him a last advice:
"We will start your spine operation soon. Try to rest. And please, call me if you need it. I am still not giving up on you."