Chapter Thirty-Seven: The Red Carpet Beckons
Joan Rivers (1) and her daughter, Melissa Rivers (2), were standing on the red carpet, ready to do their award show "thing" for the E! True Hollywood Television Network. Melissa Rivers looked like a younger version of her mother, who resembled someone who had tried to stretch out her age as far as it would go. And it had snapped.
"Rufus is coming," said Melissa, to her mother, almost nonchalantly.
"I heard, with that tramp of a fiancé," replied the elder Ms Rivers rather invectively.
"Fiancé?" gasped Melissa, moving around her stunning gown to become more comfortable for the several hour ordeal she was about to undertake.
"Narcissa Avery," spat Joan.
"But mother, she's not a tramp. She's rather pretty," wailed Melissa.
Joan Rivers simply shook her head, and stood near the microphone.
"Hullo everyone – I'm Joan Rivers here at the red carpet before the Oscars – why, I do believe that's John Travolta I see!"
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"Who wears ties nowadays?" complained Sirius as Lummy tied his tie around his neck.
"Everyone, darling," soothed Lummy as she tightened it.
"Why don't you wear a tie, liebling(3)," returned Sirius, putting an arm around Lummy as she was close to him, holding his tie.
"Because I would look silly wearing that shirt. Besides, they don't make ties my size," laughed Lummy, wriggling out of Sirius' arm.
"They make ties in every size, love," replied Sirius, leaning in to kiss his girlfriend.
A camera in the corner caught every moment.
"You look absolutely stunning, Sasha," praised Lily, her green silk Armani trailing the ground.
"I didn't think that Mr. Saint Laurent was going to just offer me a dress to wear," blushed Sasha, a swathe of grey silk and lace clouding around her lithe form. Harold traipsed down the stairs, her blonde hair tied up in an elaborate twist. She wore a very simple black gown, claiming that she preferred to be away from "fuss and feathers".
"Did anyone hear a thump downstairs?" asked Harold, cheekily.
"Why, should we have?" questioned Lily, looking almost worried.
"Oh, only that Sirius probably keeled over upon seeing my dear sister."
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The Rufus Scrimgeour Entourage arrived at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion when the crowd had already begun to mull around. Sirius was the first to exit the limousine, clasping a slender white hand that was extended from the door. Lummy stepped out, clad in a shimmering aquamarine.
"I've always wanted to do that, my dear."
"Didn't everyone?"
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Harold and Gerald were the first to be accosted by Joan Rivers & Co.
"Now, refresh my memory – who are you two again?"
Harold noticed that they had turned off the cameras. They were probably on a commercial break.
"I'm Shelby Summers, and this is my husband Don Quixote."
It seemed that Melissa Rivers may have done a double take at this suggestion, but it was difficult to tell.
"Oh, so you have been nominated for best song?" blurted out Melissa, fanning herself.
"That's right."
"How long have you and er – Don, been together?" continued Joan rather amicably.
"Fifteen years last July," replied Gerald, smirking.
Harold turned her heel, and Gerald swept after her. It was not clear who was more shocked, Joan Rivers or her daughter. Next to be summoned was our favorite directing duo, "Jimsie Potts" and "Rome Lycan".
"Misters Potts and Lycan – why we have heard nothing but good things about you two!" gushed Melissa, ensuring that the cameras were definitely running for this moment. James looked slightly sheepish, since he hadn't really contributed very much to the production. On the other hand, Remus was very much in his element.
"Well, Miss Rivers, you are too kind. We're just a couple of lucky teen-twenty-something's with a camera. And who's to say that we'll even win anything?" lied Remus.
"With fourteen nominations, I'm sure we'll be seeing more of you tonight! That's the most since All About Eve (4)! Now Miss Suskina, who made that lovely dress of yours?" asked Melissa.
Sasha blanched at the hideous pronunciation of her name, but answered cordially,
"It's an Yves Saint Laurent."
Joan Rivers smiled beatifically upon her, adding,
"It's so rare for him to give a dress to an unknown; you must have made some impression. And Miss Evans, where is that little number from?"
Lily blushed on James' arm, and replied –
"Armani."
"How darling! Now, where is that handsome actor friend of yours? We know that he must be here," began Melissa.
"Oh – he'll show up," dismissed James airily, and disappeared with Lily on his arm.
As Joan and Melissa Rivers waited for the teen sensation, they ran into Fred Astaire, a very old Olivia de Havilland, Charlton Heston, Kirk Douglas, a lovely Diane Keaton, the inimitable Henry Mancini, a young Jack Nicholson, Sylvester Stallone, and a bevy of other luminaries.
But Joan only had eyes for the one.
He appeared moments before the Oscars would officially begin, slightly tipsy from Muggle liquor, but debonair as ever. Lummy was wrapped in his arms, much to Joan's dismay.
"It's Rufus Scrimgeour, the man of the hour! How do you feel about being at the Oscars for the first time?"
"It's bloody brilliant, love," returned Sirius in a surly voice.
"Have you thought about getting a girlfriend?" goaded Joan Rivers, throwing a nasty look at "Miss Avery".
"Hmm, not since I already have one, no?" retorted Sirius sarcastically.
"A real girlfriend, Rufie. Not this tramp," continued Joan, insulting Lummy.
It may have been the liquor, the goading voice of Joan Rivers, or just the temperament of Sirius himself. But he only hesitated a second before he punched her in the face on the red carpet at the 50th Oscars.
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(1) & (2) Although they usually give the red carpet commentary today, they didn't in 1978! But I thought I would include them. All the other details of the 1978 Oscars are accurate, except for who wins, of course.
(3) Liebling means darling in German
(4) All about Eve was also nominated for fourteen Oscars, but in 1950
This chapter, and most probably the next two chapters are done in honor of the 78th Annual Oscars (being held tonight!)