Chapter Thirty-eight: Oscar, meet the Marauders

Sirius sauntered in with Lummy on his arm, and made quite a sensation. At first there was some speculation as to whether they would remove him from the premises, but then everyone agreed that he had really done them a service. Hadn't every actor wanted to throw a punch at Joan Rivers once? And she was completely fine, a little shaken up, but otherwise in prime condition.

"Ladies and Gentleman, here we have Muhammad Ali," announced Warren Beatty when Sirius walked in.

"Actually, Warren, that was Rufus Scrimgeour," returned Jane Fonda, playing the foil for the joke.

"Well watch out American Boxing – Rufie's on the loose! In any case, we would like to welcome you all, minus Joan Rivers, to the 49th Annual Academy Awards. This is where all the times you threw knives at your co-star come to play, isn't that right Ellen?"

Ellen Burstyn, another co-host, emptied her pocket of knives.

"Now we present to you Sylvester Stallone and Muhammad Ali."

"The Supporting Actress embodies true acting – without the limelight, and all the difficulty," Muhammad Ali.

"The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are: Melinda Dilon for Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Vanessa Redgrave for Julia, Narcissa Avery for Peter's Struggle, Quinn Cummings for The Goodbye Girl, and Leslie Browne for The Turning Point," read Stallone.

"And the Oscar goes to Narcissa Avery for Peter's Struggle."

Lummy almost tripped over her feet getting up. She stared bewildered at Sirius for a moment, then walked up to the stage. She grasped the Oscar from the presenter's hand.

"I really don't know what to say – every since my sister and I found our true ancestry – and that we're wi-…er – witty, we've embraced acting to its fullest. I'd like to thank my boyfriend Sirius, my sister Harold, Rome and Jimsie, Lily of course, Professors McGonagall, Slughorn and Dumbledore. Gerald, Sasha, the Gryffindor Qu-Chess Team. And the Academy."

Tatum O'Neal came up to present the Best Supporting Actor award, smiling as her lovely dress trailed behind her.

"I'm quite upset that I don't have Ali to watch my back like Sylvester over there! In any case, the nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are: "Peter Firth for Equus, Maximilian Schell for Julia, Jason Robards also for Julia, Alec Guinness for Star Wars, and Mikhail Barshynikov for The Turning Point. And the Oscar goes to – Jason Robards for Julia!"

Tamara Dobson came to present the award for Best Costume Design. Harold was on the edge of her seat – would Joan Rivers recognize her as "Shelby Summers"?

"The nominees for Best Costume Design are: Edith Head and Burton Miller for Airport, Anthea Sylbert for Julia, Florence Klotz for Little Night Music, Harold Delaware for Peter's Struggle, and John Mollo for Star Wars. And the Oscar goes to Harold Delaware for Peter's Struggle!"

Harold jumped up in excitement and shrieked. She had not designed a single costume for the movie, mostly because it was made on magical Photoshop.

"Thanks everyone! I'd like to thank Gerald, the ventriloquist's son, my first grade teacher, my sister Lummy, Joan Rivers, Shelby Summers, Professor Slughorn, my mother, Voldemort, the dinosaur from Land Before Time, James, Remus, Sirius, Lily, Ashley Turpin, Amy Moran, and that other little girl. Sasha, the annoying girl from my tenth grade math class, Snow White, the seven dwarves. The sixteen children of my second uncle once removed. Ferrari, for making such great cars. Eloise Crumpleweed for having such a horrible name. The Dutch, for inventing cloth, because otherwise we couldn't have clothes, and we wouldn't have costumes…."

Harold was cut off by the music.

Jane Fonda came up to announce the winners for the various effects categories.

"The nominees for Best Visual Effects are: Roy Arbogast and Co for Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Rufus Scrimgeour for Peter's Struggle, John Stears and Co for Star Wars. And the Oscar goes to Rufus Scrimgeour for Peter's Struggle!"

Sirius stood up and staggered elegantly to the stage. He winked at the audience, which made them love him even more. They were already confused as to why he was being nominated for a non-acting award, but they merely accepted that Rufus Scrimgeour was a man of many talents. They didn't realize that there wasn't anyone doing any of these jobs.

"Hey everyone – I'd like to apologize to Joan Rivers. However, I dearly hope that this impromptu plastic surgery improves her face. Oh, and thanks everyone. You rock! I'd like to thank everyone Narcissa Avery thanked, and Lummy, of course. Also – Minerva, if you're watching – I send my love. Ashley, you're gorgeous as ever. Paul, Edge, Larry, and Adam, the Feedback rules!"

Jane Fonda (1) merely shook her head in confusion, and continued –

"The nominees for Best Sound are: Walter Goss for The Deep, Sasha Tsukino for Peter's Struggle, Robert Knudson for Sorceror, Don MacDougall for Star Wars, and Theodore Soderberg for The Turning Point. And, the Oscar goes to Sasha Tsukino for Peter's Struggle!"

Sasha stood gracefully and made her way down the aisle.

"Thank you! Much love to the hag, the werewolf, and the fwooper!"

This acceptance speech surprised everyone for a number of reasons, including (but not limited to) – its brevity and its utter unintelligibility.

Neil Diamond came up, and he must be praised for his presence of mind after seeing that particular acceptance speech.

"A song is memorable long after movie has had its run – we're all familiar with those old Casablanca favorites, not to mention the Sound of Music. It is my great pleasure to give you the nominees for Best Original Song: Al Kasha for Pete's Dragon, Shelby Summers for Peter's Struggle, Sammy Fain for The Rescuers, Marvin Hamlisch for The Spy who Loved Me, and Joseph Brooks for You light up My Life. And the Oscar goes to Shelby Summers for Peter's Struggle!"

A minute elapsed, and no lumbering opera star. Harold magicked a glamour over herself, and emerged four hundred pounds heavier.

"Hello Ladies and Gentleman. I am deeply happy and thankful this moment. God help children in South Africa. Amen."

Oddly enough, this was a characteristic speech for Shelby Summers and nobody batted an eyelid. Neil Diamond continued with the musical presentations, awarding the Oscar for Best Adapted Score.

"To compose an original score is a most difficult and tasking ordeal – and one not easily achieved. The nominees for Best Original Score are: Georges Delarue for Julia, Maurice Jarre for The Message, Lillian Evans for Peter's Struggle, Marvin Hamlisch for The Spy who Loved Me, and John Williams for Star Wars. And the Oscar goes to Lillian Evans for Peter's Struggle."

Lily looked supremely bewildered, but soon adopted her confident attorney persona.

"I am honored to be the recipient of such a prestigious award. I'd like to thank my fiancé Jimsie Potts, my friends Sirius, Lummy, Harold, Remus, Gerald, and Sasha. My Professors, The Ministry, and my parents. And my loving sister Petunia, even though she no longer speaks to me."

William Holden came to the stage to present the Oscar for Film Editing.

"The nominees for Best Film Editing are: Michael Kahn for Close Encounters, Walter Murch for Julia, Gerald Afbetoqui for Peter's Struggle, Walter Hanneman for Smokey and the Bandit, and Paul Hirsch for Star Wars. And the Oscar goes to Gerald Afbetoqui for Peter's Struggle!"

Gerald, who had already foreseen this event, was not at all surprised. He merely strolled up to the stage, collected his award, and said a few words. He knew how the audience would react to what he had said. In any case, he was only slightly amused by the events unfolding. He smiled mysteriously. Something far more exciting was on the horizon….

Donald Sutherland was presenting the award for Cinematography. This was one of the Academy's most prestigious Awards.

"The nominees for Best Cinematography are: Vilmos Zigmond for Close Encounters, Fred Konekamp for Islands in the Stream, William Fraker for Looking for Mr. Goodbar, Jimsie Potts for Peter's Struggle, and Robert Surtrees for Turning Point. And the Oscar goes to Jimie Potts for Peter's Struggle! That's the eighth Oscar tonight for Peter's Struggle folks!"

James walked up confidently, happy that Lily had mentioned him as "fiancé" in her acceptance speech.

"Hey everyone – I gave a speech like this not to long ago. Unfortunately, I can't use the same lines as last time because then it wouldn't make any sense. So, in turn, I thank everyone I can remember, and some I can't. Especially Lillian Evans, the most beautiful woman in the world. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her fiancé. She is definitely better looking than you. Auf wiedersehen loves."

To Be Continued…

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(1) Someone else actually presented this award, but this worked better for the story flow. See these two websites for the actual winners/presenters of the 49th Academy Awards (IMDb Academy Awards, and the Full Cast and Crew for the 49th Academy Awards)