Chapter Forty-three: The Marauders meet…Reality?
Lily had just received notification that she had been accepted into the very competitive Healer program at St. Mungo's. She was the first Hogwarts graduate to be accepted in three years for the two year accelerated program. Sasha was Apparating to the Ministry with her to go in for some interviews in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
"Hello, what's your name, my dear?"
"Oh, Sasha Tsukino."
"Hogwarts, class of seventy-eight?"
"Yes."
"Wonderful. Please wait in that side room for a moment. The Deputy Head will call you in shortly."
Sure enough, a twenty-five year old woman soon appeared amidst the waiting room of comfortable plush chairs and took Sasha by the arm.
"You seem to have an excellent record, good Newt scores all around."
"Thank you."
"Do you have any experience?"
"I was a prefect for two years. There some rudimentary law enforcement there."
"That's very common in applicants. How about after graduation? Have you had any internships? That's really what we're looking for – hands on experience."
"I'm afraid not."
"But it has been almost two months since graduation. What have you been doing?"
"Traveling."
Sasha almost blushed in shame. How could she be gallivanting in America when she could have been pursuing a proper law enforcing job?
"Well, you are very impressive, ordinarily, but this is one of the top jobs in the Ministry, I'm afraid, Miss Sushkina, that…wait."
A terrible hope bloomed in Sasha's heart. Might she be eligible? What aspect of her long resume had finally caught her attention?
"You received the Sirius Black Fan Girl Award?"
"Yes."
"That's very impressive. It is awarded to only one girl each year. This year, they had applicants from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang as well."
"Applicants?"
"Certainly. All Hogwarts female students are eligible without application, but the award has gained quite a reputation in past years. The Sirius Black Fan Club is a much respected institution."
"Oh, is it?"
"I was part of its founding process. Only a few girls, but soon the trend caught on. By the second year, it was becoming a very important social edifice."
Sasha's eyes were wide with amusement and surprise.
"Forgive me; are you not a bit old to have been in the club? I mean, Sirius is my age."
"Yes, but my sister was a seventh year when the club began, and I had graduated only three years before her. I was a lowly member of the Ministry then, but SBFC has helped me since."
"Are there many Ministry members associated with SBFC?"
"Of course, it is one of our most important recruiting tools. Now, do you have any personal connections to Mr. Black?"
"Mr…who…oh, Sirius. Well, I am dating one of his best friends."
"Really? Which one, Remus or James?"
"Remus."
"He's very interested in films, that one. Now, Miss Tsukino, I do believe you may start work next Monday."
"Me, work?"
"Of course. Your resume is very impressive. You'd be surprised how far being connected with Mr. Black will get you in life, Miss Tsukino."
This, Sasha had to hear. How was she to expect that being associated with someone who had founded "the hag, the werewolf, and the fwooper," would help her in life?
"Now, my friend, Gene, at Mungo's had a great applicant the other day. She was Head Girl at Hogwarts, superb Newts and Owls, the whole package. A letter of recommendation from Professor Dumbledore, I believe. She was going to be a shoo-in, but there are only three slots for that accelerated program, you know."
Sasha nodded her head as though she did know.
"In any case, we had taken this brilliant witch from Transylvania, a witch from the Auror department – top priority, you know, and it was down to her and the boss's son."
Sasha's mouth was a perfect 'O' as she heard the tale about her friend Lily.
"Now, the witch from Transylvania was a top priority too – her father was the biggest donor to St. Mungo's, and she was the top scorer for all of Eastern Europe. There'd be hell to pay if she didn't make it. The Auror department is the biggest thing these days – national security, you know. Now, the thing with the boss's son, even though they're pureblood and what not, he was a bit off. His interview was shabby. But they were still going to take him over the girl from Hogwarts. She was just a muggleborn, you know, and no one was going to complain if she wasn't accepted."
Sasha Tsukino had turned a rather pale color that made her pretty grey eyes look particularly ashen.
"But then Gene dug up all those articles that said she was James' girlfriend! She was a personal friend to Sirius Black. Now, Sirius may be the so-called black sheep of the famous Black family, but he's still the heir! And there are all those SBFC members scattered throughout St. Mungo's. So there was obviously only one decision to be made."
Sasha couldn't believe that they had rejected the boss's son to take her friend Lily.
"Gene wrote a petition, and they accepted four students into the accelerated Healer program. The Minister of Magic signed it herself. Mrs. Bagnold was none too pleased about that."
--
Sirius was truly sick of his fame. Everywhere he went, he could not avoid being recognized as "Rufus Scrimgeour", "the heir to the Black fortune", or "James Potter, key-tar player extraordinaire". Who knew that the little known band, the Feedback, would grow to become U2? There was really only one thing that could be done:
Plastic Surgery.
After perusing a few articles, he decided that if he were to make himself ugly, it would solve the majority of his problems. True, he would have to suffer that particular indignity, but it was a small price to pay. He went to Dr. Magellan's health clinic, and sat in the waiting room. A middle-aged woman was at the desk, filing her nails. Sirius rapped on the counter impatiently with his knuckles.
"Hullo, Dr. Magellan is busy right now. Do you have an appointment?"
"Er – no, but I would like facial reconstructive surgery done today."
"I'm afraid we require an appointment for that. What is your name, sir?"
Sirius had come to loathe this question. He was forced to think of various aliases for himself everywhere he went – Sirius Black, Rufus Scrimgeour, James Potter, Grumpy Summers – these were all very recognizable identities. So he said the first Muggle name that came to his head.
"Er – Charles Darwin."
The receptionist raised her eyebrow at this, but took the name down.
"When are you available, Mr. Darwin?"
"Anyday. I am free all the time. And money is no object."
"You know, Mr. Darwin, you look very familiar. Have you ever been in jail?"
He was quite surprised by this question, to say the least. He didn't think he looked like a convict.
"I don't think so."
"Well, Dr. Magellan can see you later today, actually. How does five o'clock sound?"
"Um, it sounds like five o'clock."
Sirius was quite confused. Was this a covert hearing test?
The receptionist stared at him as though he were not quite right in the head. She cleared her throat, and explained,
"I meant would that be a suitable time?"
"It's six hours from now. I guess I can wait."
He placed himself at one of the corner chairs, and began to peruse one of the six-month old magazines on the table. Seconds later, a bevy of twenty-somethings in stilettos came in, clickety-clacking on the linoleum floors. It appeared that most of them had come to support the one girl who actually had an appointment. As a precaution, he moved the magazine so that it was directly in front of his face. Once the one girl had gone in, her five friends settled down in the remaining chairs in the waiting room.
"Oh my gosh! Look at this Kaitlyn! Rufus Scrimgeour!" cried one of the girls, her pink-colored talons pointing at the cover of one of the ratty magazines.
Sirius flinched. He brought the magazine even closer to his face, so that the only way one could have seen his face was by looking directly down from on top of him.
"Honestly Jessica, that magazine was from like, twelve years ago. He hasn't been in the news very recently, except for that exposé about U2. I can't imagine why a total hottie like Rufie would want to become a grungy street musician."
Kaitlyn paused to admire her new manicure.
"I think it's sort of romantic. Like an undercover cop," said another girl, massaging her feet after taking off one of her heels.
"You would, Dahlia. I think that he's totally full of himself. I mean, he's dating that total gorgeous blonde Narcissa or whatever, he makes loads of money, and he won an Oscar. What has he really done, you tell me?"
"Gosh Christine, you are so bitter. I heard that he's taking some time off to be with his family and stuff like that. It's totally sweet."
"Jessica, you are wayyy too much of a romantic. Let's ask that gentleman over there, he seems to be pretty interested in People magazine."
With this, Jessica's friend walked up to Sirius , and said loudly,
"I'm Simone Laurence, and I'll be you've been listening to our girly conversation. What do you think of Rufus Scrimgeour?"
Sirius pressed the magazine closer so that it was almost touching his nose and mumbled,
"Oh, I've heard of him."
"Sorry, didn't catch that, maybe if you removed the magazine from your face, we'd be able to," said Kaitlyn sarcastically.
"I'm not in a position to be doing so, terrible accident, facial reconstructive surgery scheduled, very sad story."
"Mister, you must think that we're pretty superficial! But we won't mind your ugly mug," replied Christine blithely.
He kept holding the magazine with only one hand so his palm was pressing the fold of the magazine was pressing directly against his nose. He held out his other hand and announced,
"I'm Charles Darwin, naturalist."
"De-lighted to meet you, Mr. Darwin. How did you get into an accident?" asked Dahlia, flipping her blonde hair unnecessarily, as her new friend couldn't even see her.
Jessica moved closer to Sirius, and he was afraid that she's look down upon him, so he cringed into the corner of his seat and pressed the magazine even closer.
"Gosh Mr. Darwin, you've got a pretty sexy voice. Now, what do you think of Rufus?"
"He seems like an upstanding fellow. I was in a horrible broo-car accident."
"What's a broo-car, Mr. Darwin," asked Christine, her eyes wide.
"He means car, Christine," said Simone, rolling her eyes in annoyance.
Unfortunately, their friend returned from seeing Dr. Magellan, bringing the Doctor out with her. Her friends all got up to give her a hug.
"Did it hurt, Darling?" asked Dahlia.
"Oh Dahls, it was just a preliminary appointment. But I want all my girls to come with me next time!"
"We will," chorused the twenty-somethings.
"Mr. Darwin? I've got a break now, if you don't want to wait until five." asked Dr. Magellan, looking about aimlessly.
"Mr. Doctor, he's riiight here," cooed Christine, pointing to Sirius' magazine masked face. Sirius got up, still holding the magazine tight to his face, and sprinted across the room, grabbing the Doctor's hand. He only stopped once they got inside one of the rooms. He finally dared to remove the magazine from his face.
"Close the door! I don't want them to recognize me."
The doctor stared at him, until comprehension dawned on his face.
"You're Rufus Scrimgeour. I have tons of appointments when men come in just to look like you. And there's a fair amount of pretty girls who think they'd do better looking like the lovely blonde girlfriend of yours."
"That's precisely my problem. I want to look like this," said Sirius, holding up a picture of Peter Markov from Remus' film, Peter's Struggle.
"Well, we'd have to break your nose, shorten your face, add more skin and fat to your forehead and cheeks…why do you want to do this, Mr. Scrimgeour? You will look very ugly."
Dr. Magellan said this with the knowledge that several hundred of his patients would have killed to look like the man who was now standing before him.
"Please Doctor, I'll pay anything. I want to be normal!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Scrimgeour. I value my reputation more than your money. I would lose thousands of clients if anyone found out that I was the one who destroyed your handsome face. You're better off trying to get beat up in a dark alleyway. Good day."
And the Doctor merely opened the door to allow Sirius to walk dejectedly down the white linoleum hallway.
"That's not Mr. Darwin, it's the GORGEOUS Rufus Scrimgeour!" cried Dahlia, Jessica, and the other girls, and that was the last thing Sirius heard before he Apparated away.
--
"Remus, what is this?" asked James incredulously, staring at the huge studio.
"I'm opening my own network and production agency. You can be in it too," added Remus, somewhat offhandedly.
"Sure, I can pilot James-vision."
"Only if it's good. I'll have to treat you the same way I treat all my other possibilities. Otherwise this network won't run. I can't have a show that only shows Lily all the time," explained Remus somewhat patiently.
"What about CSI: St. Mungo's?"
Remus paid his friend no attention. There was another appointment.
"Mr. Lycan? I've come to show you this great Japanese show called Sushi Today."
Remus pressed the "next" button on his desk.
"There's a great new concept, Mr. Lycan. Six people locked in a house without any windows are poisoned with a little known Asiatic poison, but no one knows which one. They each have to find the antidote before the contestant dies. The one who is alive last wins one thousand dollars."
James kindly told the man to leave.
"Wait till you hear this. Oh, are you Mr. Potts? Great to meet you, the name's Johnson, Andrew Johnson. Now, here's something for you, go along with your whole magical streak. Picture this: Five religious people are dropped from the sky into a ditch filled with noodles. They must all pray in order to get out."
"LEAVE, PLEASE, JUST LEAVE!"