Title: Out of Darkness (5/9)
Summary: Remus Lupin has exiled himself from the wizarding world, unable to deal with the pain of the second war but a near fatal accident reacquaints him with the past and he realises that some old friends may be more in need of him than he thought.
Archive: SB/RL mailing list, Azkaban's Lair. Anywhere else; just ask.
Rating: PG13 - NC17 (eventually)
Originally posted: on my LJ Username lovegrrl
Disclaimer: Unfortunately these characters do not belong to me. I am just practising my Imperius Curse on them (shhh).
Dedications: Beta thanks goes to Clara who is the faster beta I've ever seen. Thanks.
Chapter Five
Remus pulled another bundle of scrolls down from the shelf and dropped them onto the table. Kingsley had managed to get him into the Ministry archives for the last two days on the pretence of Auror support researching but he only had a few hours before his pass expired and he hadn't found anything that made sense.
Harry had searched through Wizarding profiles A, J and R; reports on Augureys, Banshees, and Streelers; floor plans of level nine had been pulled and even accounts on Grindelwald's defeat.
Remus growled in annoyance as another document turned up nothing useful. It was no good. He'd been through everything here and at St Mungo's and was more confused than ever. He didn't really see the point in going back to Hogwarts with Hermione and Ginny as they had planned if it was just going to lead to more useless frustration.
His pass began to glow blue two hours later, his warning that it would expire soon. He packed everything back onto the shelves and put the few notes he had taken into his briefcase. He had just closed the door when he saw Kingsley walking towards him accompanied by a tall brown haired man whose hair was slightly shaggy at the edges. It was obvious that he was also an Auror and he looked familiar to Remus.
"Remus," Kingsley greeted. "I was just coming to get you." The Auror's eyes flicked down to Remus's permit. "I thought it would run out early. Maintenance seems to be having a problem with that at the moment."
"I was finishing up anyway," Remus said his eyes flicking to Kingsley's colleague.
"Remus, this is my partner, McCrimmon," Kingsley introduced. "McCrimmon, this is Remus Lupin."
Remus noticed the man eyebrows raise in recognition as he reached out his hand.
"Of course," he said. "The elusive Mister Lupin," McCrimmon smiled widely and Remus noticed the corners of his eyes crinkle. "You're looking much better than the last time we met but we never had a formal introduction." There was a Scottish accent in his voice which Remus liked. It was this that made Remus realise they had met before. McCrimmon was the one who had brought him to Saint Mungo's.
"I never got to say thank you, McCrimmon." Remus almost felt himself blush. They clasped hands and he noticed how strong the other man's grasp was.
"It's Brendan actually," he smiled. "Only Shaklebolt uses my surname." Brendan leaned in slightly. "He thinks it sounds professional."
Remus smiled and with a wink, Brendan let go of his hand.
"I was going to walk you out," Kingsley said looking at his watch. "But I have a meeting with the new Head in about two minutes-"
"Don't worry I'm sure I can find my own way," Remus assured him.
"That's what I was thinking," Kingsley said. "But McCrimmon's going that way anyway," he added, patting his colleague on the shoulder. "If you need anything else."
"Thanks," Remus shook Kingsley's hand in farewell, "but I think I'm all done here."
Kingsley nodded and headed back to his department while Remus and Brendan made their way towards the lifts. Remus was feeling slightly self-conscious in the Auror's presence though the other man didn't seem to notice. He was strolling along easily in his scuffed white runners. His long coat pushed back and his hands in his trouser pockets.
"So have you been working with Kingsley long?" Remus asked, trying to ease the tight feeling he had in his chest.
"Just over a month," Brendan offered. "He takes some getting used to. Seems to forget I've been doing this a while. Expects me to walk into a wall at any moment."
"What happened to Nymphadora?" Remus asked at the mention of someone walking into a wall.
Brendan laughed, "You mean Tonks! She'd hex your hands off if you called her that."
"I'd forgotten about that," Remus said with a smile. "Touchy subject, eh?"
"You could say that," Brendan smiled as if this was the understatement of the century. "She got promoted."
"Promoted?" Remus said. "That means she'd the new-"
"Head Auror," Brendan finished. "Word came through last month."
"She's a bit young for it."
"She'd hex your balls off if you told her that!"
Remus laughed, he was probably right as well.
"So what were you really looking at?" Brendan asked with a sideways glance. "Doesn't take a genius to figure out this was a ruse." He flicked his finger at Remus's permit.
"Just some papers," Remus said not looking the man in the eye.
"Same as the young Potter was looking at?" It wasn't really a question but he was polite enough to pretend.
Remus frowned. He wanted to answer the question; wanted to have someone who wasn't emotionally invested in Harry help him figure out exactly what was going on. He turned his eyes to the Auror who was walking along as easily as before, as if he asked questions about missing wizarding heroes' everyday of his life, yet at the same time, somehow showing the weight of the universe on his shoulders and still taking it all in his stride. Remus figured it was safe to trust him.
"None of it makes sense," Remus confessed. "Some of it's completely mundane and others..." Remus shook his head. "Why was he even allowed look at it?"
"He's Harry Potter," he shrugged. "You really want to be the one to say no to him?"
"Wouldn't be the first time," Remus murmured.
"Of course," Brendan said, realising Remus knew Harry personally. "But did he ever listen to you?" he asked, an eyebrow raised in question.
Remus smiled again. "No," Remus laughed. "He'd act like he was, then go and do whatever he wanted anyway."
Brendan reached out his hand and caught Remus by the arm bringing him to a dead stop just before another corridor crossed their own. A second later a speeding file cart whizzed by. Remus had nearly walked right into its path.
"Thanks," Remus said after recovering. "You've got good reflexes."
Brendan turned to look at Remus. "Well, I am an Auror," he quipped, his eyes crinkling with pleasure as he smiled at Remus. "My reflexes are specially trained."
It took Remus a second to become aware of Brendan's hand on his arm. When he tried to talk he found his mouth had gone dry.
"Well," Remus managed after clearing his throat. "That's my ride," he pointed at the lift on the far side of the corridor and then wondered if that had been the best word to use.
"Yeah," Brendan agreed his eyes flicking to the lift for a second then back to Remus. "Listen, if you want to go for a drink some time. Or..." he paused and Remus thought he saw a flicker of hesitation. "Or even dinner. I'd like that."
Remus felt a jolt of surprise this time.
"It's okay if you don't," Brendan assured moving his hand away. "I just thought-"
"No," Remus interrupted his voice not sounding as steady as Brendan's. "I'd like that... I mean... You just surprised..." he paused and took a calming breath. "It's just been a long time since someone asked me," he explained.
"Now you've surprised me," Brendan said with a disbelieving shake of his head. There was a ding as the lift door opened. "You better catch your ride," Brendan suggested with a cheeky grin.
"Yeah," Remus agreed but was strangely stuck to the spot.
"You two coming or not," groused a short balding man who was holding the lift doors. "Some of us can't hang around all day or we'll get sent to the Centaurs office."
"Hold your hippogriffs, Worple," Brendan warned before turning back to the confused look on Remus's face. "It's a ministry in-joke," he explained. "Means he'll get fired."
Remus nodded. "I... I better go anyway," he said. "But... I'll owl you."
"You better," Brendan grinned and Remus walked to the lift.
Brendan didn't turn to walk away until the doors closed and Remus lost him from sight.
"Do you remember that flat I had?" Sirius asked, taking a chunk out of his sandwich.
"Sumner Road," Remus nodded.
"What happened to it? To all my stuff, I mean."
"I know the building was demolished in the mid eighties," Remus said pulling the memory from the back of his mind. "I suppose they chucked anything left behind."
"Pity," Sirius thought aloud. "There was some good stuff in there."
"I don't exactly call Flea market leftovers good stuff," Remus teased.
"Hey!" Sirius defended, pointing his sandwich at Remus. "That market was the reason I got that place."
"I thought it was the pub on the corner," Remus jibbed.
"What pub?" Sirius asked, pulling his head back in confusion.
"The Anchor... or The Sailor," Remus grasped. "Something maritime anyway." He stood up and put his empty dishes in the sink.
"Don't remember that," Sirius said with a frown. He put the sandwich down on his plate and sat back in his chair. "Feels like there's a lot I don't remember."
Remus turned around and looked at Sirius who was lost in thought, trying to summon up a memory of the pub Remus had mentioned.
"It'll come back to you," Remus eased. "It just takes time."
"Hmm," Sirius hummed. "It feels like they mangled the last few years but that's not right, is it? It's just buried in there somewhere," he said, tapping his head. "I can remember Hogwarts perfectly." A small smile tingled his lips.
"You mean, you remember chasing all those girls," Remus teased.
"The way I remember it, they were chasing me," Sirius corrected with a smile.
"Of course they were," Remus said sarcastically. He turned around and began to wash the dishes. "You were notorious for being shy around girls, weren't you?"
Sirius brought his own dishes over and leaned against the counter. "I wasn't shy around them," Sirius corrected. "They just didn't make me nervous... everyone mistook that for confidence," he shrugged now. Picking up a dishcloth he began to dry as Remus washed. "They made you nervous, though," he teased nudging Remus with his shoulder.
"Everyone made me nervous, Sirius," Remus explained handing him a plate. "I was a teenager with a secret."
"Weren't we all," Sirius said and turned to put the plate away before Remus could decipher the look on his face.
Brendan picked the restaurant. It was a Muggle Italian near the Scottish border that they could Apparate to without much bother. He'd asked Remus if he'd minded eating Muggle and Remus had shook his head, not bothering to explain that after so many years in London this was far more familiar to him than Diagon Alley.
Brendan had been watching him with an easy smile as Remus ordered his meal and fiddled with the napkin.
"Who was it?" Brendan asked just after their wine was poured.
"Sorry?" Remus said looking up.
"The guy that hurt you so badly?"
The words cut through Remus like he hadn't expected but he couldn't figure out if they made him feel pain, anger or regret.
"Sorry," Brendan said shaking his head. "I shouldn't have asked that. I can be a bit... rude at times. I spend so much time around Aurors or criminals I forget that normal people don't like to be interrogated. Actually," he added as he tilted his head to the side. "I think I've always been rude. Comes from growing up as an arrogant little prick." He smiled at this and Remus was sure Brendan had never been a little prick.
Brendan changed the subject and they talked about Remus's job in the bookshop and Brendan's love of Muggle literature until Remus couldn't hold the question back any longer.
"What makes you think anybody hurt me?" he asked, his voice filled with as much intrigue as it was anxiety.
"Instinct," Brendan said without a hint of sarcasm. "You disappeared for years, never kept in touch with anyone, then when you do show up you throw yourself into finding Harry so you don't have to answer people's questions about your own life." Brendan leaned forward in his chair. "And... you were nearly sent reeling by the idea I might find you attractive," he smiled. "At first I thought you weren't interested but..." he spread his hands to emphasis they were having dinner together so Remus must be interested.
Remus felt himself colour slightly. "I'm just not used to being picked up in a Ministry corridor."
"Oh," Brendan teased. "And where are you used to being picked up?"
Remus laughed and took a sip of wine to hide the blush on his cheek.
"He didn't hurt me," Remus answered after a moment, shaking his head to reinforce his words.
"He didn't?" The question was soft and made Remus want to answer.
"He..." he took a deep breath. "He just left."
"Isn't that as bad?" Brendan asked leaning forward.
"No," Remus started fiddling with his fork, trying to distract himself from his next words. "He... he was killed." Remus met Brendan's gaze at the last word.
"I'm sorry," Brendan murmured, the concern ripping through his eyes. Concern deeper than anything Remus could have expected.
"Thank you." Remus replied looking away. The words had come out instinctively.
"Was it during the war?"
Remus nodded. "Well, just before it broke out properly," he amended. "When Fudge wouldn't accept anything was going on but people were still dying." Remus knew he sounded bitter but couldn't help himself.
"It could have been prevented," Brendan added knowingly. "If Fudge hadn't been so blinded?"
"I think so, yes," Remus replied, "but there's no point dragging it up now."
Remus met Brendan's eyes again and noticed they were unusually sombre.
"My sister died," he said, his voice stark in the candlelight as if he'd never uttered those words to another soul until now. "She was working for the Ministry."
"As an Auror?" Remus asked, finally understanding Brendan's compassion.
"No," Brendan smiled sadly. "Aisling wasn't..." he stopped as if remembering her fondly for the first time in years. He dropped his arm to rest on the table before continuing. "She was older than me. Didn't like the thought of me being an Auror," he explained. "I wanted to go into training straight from Hogwarts but she said it was too dangerous a job for her little brother. So I listened to her." He stopped and the smile withered from his face. "She was killed in ninety five. They never even caught the bastards who did it."
"I'm so sorry," Remus said reaching out his hand to Brendan's in comfort.
"Thanks," Brendan mumbled gratefully, turning his hand around so his thumb stroked Remus's finger. "I loved her so much... but I couldn't help her." Brendan's face became serious. "I wanted you to know that I understand what it's like when you don't have answers. When someone just leaves your life like that, you feel like they've taken a shortcut and you've been left behind. I understand why you're doing all this for Harry... because; it's not just about him, is it?"
Remus took a deep breath. His eyes concentrating on their joined fingers. It wasn't just about Harry. It wasn't about being part of the wizarding world again. It wasn't even about being the one to figure it all out and bring him back. Remus had lost himself a long time ago, long before the last war had even ended, and only now did he feel he was finally beginning to face up to his life and not hide in the mist of the Muggle world.
"No," he admitted finally.
"I though so," Brendan said. "So I did some searching around."
Remus was surprised by this. "I didn't mean you to-"
"I know," Brendan assured squeezing Remus's hand. "I wanted to do it." He smiled before continuing. "He's been in touch with a few different people by owl over the last year. Horace Slughorn and Arsenius Jigger most frequently."
Remus frowned at the names. "Do you know what about?"
"Jigger is out of the country at the moment on a book tour but Slughorn said he wanted to know about medi-potions; restorative draughts, sleeping potions, that sort of thing."
"That's what he'd been looking into at Mungo's," Remus nodded, though his mind was on the way Brendan's finger was caressing his hand.
"Slughorn didn't think it was anything to be concerned about at the time," Brendan explained. "Of course that was before Harry went missing."
"And now?"
"He said they're the kind of potions any wizard would need. Nothing dangerous, nothing to think Harry would try something stupid. If anything they'd keep him alive rather than kill him," Brendan shrugged. "There's nothing to suggest that Harry is putting himself in danger."
"Except for the fact that he's gone missing," Remus amended.
"Except for that," Brendan agreed as their food arrived.
Two days later, Remus woke up to the usual pain after the full moon. His body ached from the transformation. His shoulders screamed as if they had been dislocated. Wolfsbane made him less dangerous to himself and others while transformed but it didn't stop the pounding his body took each month. A transformation like that twice in one day would cripple the strongest of men.
Remus groaned when he heard a light tapping on his window. If he ignored the bird long enough maybe it would leave him alone for a few hours. He should be up to getting out of bed by then. The noise just got louder however and he nearly groaned again before he realised someone was knocking on the door.
"Yes?" he called, trying to put as much irritation into his voice as possible. Maybe whoever it was would take the hint and leave him alone.
"It's Hermione," a muffled voice identified through the door. "Can I come in?"
Remus grunted his admittance and tried to settle himself as neatly as possible in the bed before she entered.
"How are you feeling?" she asked as she closed the door behind her.
"As well as can be expected," he sighed wearily. He wasn't really up to visitors.
"I won't stay long," she said as she placed a covered bowl on Remus's bedside cabinet. "Chicken soup," she explained when she noticed his raised eyebrow. "Shall I let her in?" Hermione asked as she opened the window to a rather annoyed post owl who nipped her hand.
"Ow," she exclaimed, putting her finger to her mouth to relieve the pain. "She must have been waiting a while," Hermione scowled.
Remus reached his hand out and the owl flew over. A second after relieving her of the letter attached to her right claw she flew back out the window.
"I'll just warm this up for you," Hermione said as she picked up the soup bowl.
Remus nodded and opened the letter.
Remus,
Hope last night was ok. I'll drop around after my shift ends if you like. You can buy me a drink and tell me more about jobberknoll mating. Honestly, I found it very interesting!
Say eight o'clock?
Brendan.
Remus had been open with Brendan about his 'condition'. Not that Brendan couldn't have figured it out anyway. How many people were walking around a couple of days after nearly being killed by a car, but it was important to Remus that he was honest from the beginning.
"Ginny sent that," Hermione explained placing the steaming bowl within Remus's reach and politely ignoring the smile on Remus's face from the letter. "She said you should eat it first thing to get the healing benefits."
Remus nodded. "Won't they miss you in work?" he asked picking up the bowl and blowing the steam away.
"Said I had to check on a case," she explained. "Which is technically true since I'm CMC." She watched for a moment while Remus ate until it seemed she was satisfied he wouldn't fall asleep in front of her. "How are things going?"
"The same," Remus sighed. "But I do have someone from MLE who's helping me out." Remus hid his smile by taking another spoon of soup.
"Not Kingsley?" Hermione asked.
"No, a guy called McCrimmon," Remus told her. "Brendan McCrimmon."
"McCrimmon?" Hermione frowned. "Where have I seen that name?"
"He's Kingsley's partner," Remus offered.
"No, in my department," she explained. "There was a McCrimmon who signed off on the last Pest Advisory report years ago."
"Aisling McCrimmon?" Remus asked, abandoning the soup on his legs.
"Yeah," Hermione said. "Of course that was before she became an Unspeakable. No one was meant to know but when she died..." Hermione paused. "I guess it was more important to remember her than to follow Ministry rules."
"She was an Unspeakable?" Remus asked.
"So they say," she shrugged. "Strange move but, to go from CMC to Mysteries." Hermione looked up and frowned. "You're meant to eat that soup not play with it."
Author's note: Hope you enjoyed. Please review