Chapter 10

It was with an overwhelming relief Willow stepped across the threshold. She breathed in the smell of herbs and potions, listened hard to pick up the soft humming of the magical shield that kept evil out and silently blessed the familiar faces that met her with warm hugs and earnest congratulations. She was home. There was always such a comforting feeling of safety to this place, like no harm would ever come to her here, or to any of her friends. The large hallway was full of people scurrying about to get things done. Fridha had taken charge of the dead they brought home. They would be placed in a sacred crypt after the proper ceremony had been performed. Willow wished she wasn't quite so accustomed to it. There had been too many girls lost in the past few years, more than ever before in the coven's long history. But at least it was over now. The danger had been averted, balance restored and the world saved. Catherine was already preparing to destroy the crystal and then everything would go back to normal again.

Willow watched as Buffy went past her and up the stairs without a word. Her body had healed well and she was able to walk on her own now, but her mind was still gone, trapped behind a wall of pain. She was barely responding and her reflexes were gone. She was pretty much helpless. It wasn't the first time Buffy had gone astray in her own mind and she had always managed to pull through in the end. Willow hoped she would do so again, but she couldn't help but wonder. So much had happened to her and no slayer had ever lived this long. Giles was worried too. He had kept close to her since they escaped the cave. Now he quietly followed her up the stairs, after a quick nod to Willow. Concern was written all over his face and for all his speeches to other potential watchers not to get too attached to their charges, he couldn't hide the fact that he thought of Buffy as a daughter. Her pain was his, and no amount of words or rules would change that.

Willow was just about to go upstairs to her own room when Xander was brought in. He was still unconscious and Willow had to swallow hard not to let her emotions get the better of her. This had been the hardest part. The thought of losing Xander almost tore her apart. She knew it hadn't been her choice but she still felt responsible. The witches carried Xander using levitation and he looked so peaceful as he floated on air towards his room. Angel and Spike walked in behind him, with Deanna following close by. As soon as she had made sure Angel and Spike had made it inside, safe from the rays of the setting sun, she practically ran up the stairs to catch up to Xander. Willow noted with some surprise that there was an unusual eagerness in the way Deanna had stayed close to Xander since they had left Africa. It was the first time she had seen Deanna showing affection for anyone since she got here. Not that Willow minded, Deanna was a nice girl and Xander deserved to be happy. She just hoped he didn't screw this up the way he usually did. Willow was just about to walk up the stairs when Angel suddenly grabbed her arm and pulled her back. He leaned down so that he had his face right next to hers and there was an intensity in his eyes that made her want to run, but he held her in an iron grip.

"Make him forget!" he urged in a hoarse voice. Willow stared at him, at first not sure what he meant. He then nodded towards the stairs where Xander had just vanished out of site.

"Xander." he said, "Make him forget!"

"What do you mean? You know I can't do that!" She was stunned that he would ask that of her, he of all people knew what that meant to her. But he just leaned in even closer and his eyes were full of anger.

"I know exactly what you can do. You have to take away his memories of this day or you will never forgive yourself. I will never forgive you!" Everyone around them had stopped and stared. After Buffy had repeatedly ignored him he had developed a foul mood and there were those who feared his new soul hadn't been permanent. But Willow had been there when the Powers had promised to return his soul and as much as she might dislike the higher beings at times they never lied or failed to deliver. All that of course made this conversation even more disturbing.

"Why... How can you ask me to do that again?" she stammered, her voice choking.

"You can't let him wake up and remember this day." he answered and tightened his grip a little harder. Willow made herself breathe and straightened her back. She tried to make her voice sound as stern as possible when she said,

"I have no doubt it was a terrible ordeal but Xander knew the risks and he has been through a lot before too and always made it through. I think you need to give him a little more credit. I understand he is your friend and..." Angel tightened his grip around her arms to the point of pain and lifted her up, forcing her to stand on her toes as he hissed,

"You understand nothing." She felt tears well up in her eyes and tried to pull free from him. She didn't want to use magic on him. It was one of the things she had vowed a long time ago never to do, but it was getting hard to resist. There was more darkness in his eyes than she had ever seen before and his voice had a hint of evil she had hoped he had left behind.

"You have no idea..." he spat at her but before he could continue the sentence Spike stepped in.

"OK, that's enough! I have no idea what in the bloody hell you're babbling about but you better let her go or you and I will just have to finish what we started back there." Angel looked at him, his eyes dark and for a second it seemed he would take him up on the offer but Kaya came in between them, her strange eyes filled with tears.

"Don't do this! This isn't right!" she sounded so desperate, looking at Angel and Spike with equal amount of horror. Angel stared at her for a moment then blinked. As he looked around he actually seemed surprised to see them all watching him and when he saw Willow he flinched.

"I'm sorry," he said and immediately let her go, "but you don't understand." The anger in his eyes were suddenly gone and replaced by such sadness it made her want to weep. Spike however wasn't impresses. He scoffed, then said in a mocking tone,

"Please explain it then, oh wise one. But don't go on like a doddering old fart, we all like to get some rest before next doomsday, if you don't mind." Spike had pulled back a bit but Willow thought she noticed a faint regret in his eyes about the fight that didn't happen. The beating he had suffered at the hands of Angelus had apparently taken its toll. Angel though, seemed anything but victories as he turned away from them, his voice overflowing with pain as he began to speak,

"I knew him. Dacq'ilion. We met a long time ago, long before you were born." he motioned towards Spike then sat down heavily on the stairs. "He found me, taught me...things...things I had forgotten...wish I could forget again..." he clenched his fists, his shoulders hunched over and his face clearly expressed the suffering his words left out. But when he continued he turned directly towards Willow, his voice filled with the urgency of someone who really needs to convince. "Dacq'ilion's powers lies in his ability to get inside the minds of his victims. He can read your thoughts and learn your greatest fear. Then he uses that and creates images in you head that are as real as if you lived it. The worst pain you can possibly imagine and he can make it real." Tears rolled down his cheeks but he didn't seem to notice. Willow couldn't breathe. How could they not have known that Dacq'ilion had mind powers? They had studied him so closely... how could they have missed that? Angel got up slowly, with considerable effort, and took a few steps closer to her.

"Willow, I know what this means, but I can not stress strongly enough how important it is that Xander is not allowed to wake up with these memories. I have seen demons tear out their own heart just to get away from the thoughts he put in their head. I can't bear to see Xander go through that and I know you can't either. You have to trust me, Willow! Make him forget!" That was all she needed to hear. Willow nodded then walked quickly past him and up the stairs. She believed him and despite every part of her body screaming in despair she would do this one more time. She would do it to a friend because she had failed him and put him unprotected in the hands of ultimate evil.

Shrieks of pain, blood flowing, red and full of promise... "the nectar of pleasure". It tastes better when they suffer! Head twisted, eyes filled with pleading, poor little thing! Would rather be somewhere else! Not so lucky, stay and play...know their fears...understand. His first...a beauty. He studied her; watched her walk to church, holding her brothers hands, politely chatting with the priest. He watched her at work, her back bent over the crops, sweat pouring down her shirt, talking happily with her friends, laughing. At night she would check on the cows before bed. Such a sweet girl, so considerate, so pleasant to be with, so loving with her family. He seduced her, made her want him, made her feel desire. Then took away everyone she loved. Made her watch, made her feel. Then he finished her, drank her slowly, watched her fear turn to madness. His first. Her name was Marie.

Angel woke up with a start. The sheets were wet and tangled, his body colder than usual but glistening with sweat and still shaking. The dream felt so real. Who was he kidding? It was real. He had been there, done those things. So much he had chosen to forget. The memories were back now though, with a vengeance. There was no redemption. He got up and washed his face with some cold water from the bowl on the dresser. He could still feel the monster inside him, a demon that deserved to suffer eternity in hell. He could hear a sickening laughter deep inside him, his true self waiting to be freed again. He clenched his fists and straightened his back. He couldn't let that happen. No matter what, he could never let that beast roam free again! He needed to calm down, clear his head. It felt like it took forever to put his clothes on and when he tried to button up his shirt his hands were shaking so hard he couldn't do it. A coarse laugh escaped his throat. Was this what he had been reduced to? He gave up on the shirt and left the room.

He wasn't sure how he got there. He had wandered the hallways like a ghost for what seemed like an eternity but now he suddenly found himself outside her door. He could sense her inside, the soft smell of her filling his head until he no longer could stand the distance. He knocked quietly. No answer. She was probably asleep. He opened the door careful and peeked inside. She was sitting by the fire, motionless but clearly awake. He hesitated for a moment, not sure if he could endure her cold stares or her silence. But in the end his needs took over and he went inside. He had to be with her, even if it was just sitting quietly next to her. She didn't seem to be aware of him approaching and when he kneeled down beside her it took a long time before she even looked at him. He took a few deep breathes, inhaling her sent. It made him feel a little better and for a moment he could almost forget the memories. But when she turned to look at him her eyes, cold and void of emotion, struck heavy blows to his already bruised body. He flinched and looked away, the exhaustion returning, making his limbs feel like lead. He was just about to leave her when she suddenly spoke.

"You should have let me die." There was no emotion in her words, simply a statement. He stared at her in shock.

"You know I could never do that. I love you." he replied, still stunned that she would even suggest it.

"You have with others. Why not me?"

"What...what do you mean?" his voice barely carried and at this point he couldn't have moved even it he had wanted to.

"You loved Cordelia, didn't you? You let her die. And Dawn." The words cut him like razor blades, the pain making him cringe where he sat, tears welling up in his eyes. She didn't even react. She simply watched him calmly with as much feeling as a machine. This wasn't the Buffy he knew, he had to remind himself of that. But she was still there, somewhere deep inside the body in front of him. If he could only reach her, remind her of who she was, what they had.

"You're right," he said, surprised at how steady his voice sounded, "I did love Cordelia and Fred and Dawn. And I lost them all. I did my best and it wasn't enough. But if you think I'm going to let you die just because you want to, you really don't know me." She blinked, then tilted her head slightly as if she tried to make sense of what he had said.

"But if you love me, shouldn't you honor my wishes?"

"Not that. You can't expect me to watch you die and do nothing."

"Why not? When I'm gone a new Slayer will be called. And you would be free. Free to love someone else." He swallowed hard. Holding his temper was getting difficult with every part of his body wanting to scream. He leaned in a little closer, drawing on the last bit of strength he had, desperately hoping he could get through the wall of pain she had around her.

"I can't let you go Buffy, not like this. You're my compass, my true north. Without you I'm lost and the monster in me will take over. I can't let that happen, not again. I need you! Don't you understand? I need you." He watched her carefully, hoping his plea would somehow have an effect but she just sighed and went back to staring into the flames. He felt sick and the knot in his stomach was threatening to explode. He had to get out. His body reacted slowly, as if he was caught in a bad dream. Eventually he managed to stumble out of her room only to find himself lost again.

Spike lit the cigarette and eagerly inhaled, then let out a big puff of smoke. He had been strictly forbidden to smoke inside the castle and this balcony was closest to his room. The consequences of not abiding by the witches rules would most likely be far worse than he wanted to imagine so here he was, leaning against the wall and gazing up at the stars. They were miles away from civilization and the night sky was full of those tiny dots of light. The moon was almost full and it cast the landscape in every possible shade of gray. Spike shifted his stance a bit. His body still ached after the last ordeal but he couldn't sleep. Something bothered him, like a vague shadow just out of sight. He tried to think of other things, more pleasant things. He would be back in LA soon, back to work. Strangely enough he actually longed for it. As boring as most of it was, at least it felt like home. This place gave him the creeps.

He inhaled again and suddenly in the midst of the smell of tobacco he picked up another sent. He smiled to himself. This was probably the last person he thought would be seeking his company tonight. Kaya came out on the balcony and gave him a quick nod in greeting, then promptly asked,

"Have you seen Angel? I can't find him in his room." Of course she would be looking for Angel. Spike had to think for a second. He could lie, but somehow he felt that wouldn't make things any easier.

"I saw him stumble out of Buffy's room a few minutes ago." he said and exhaled another puff of smoke. She looked at him intently with those strange eyes of hers, then said as a matter of fact,

"You really shouldn't smoke, you know." It was a strange response and he couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah? And why's that then? You think they'll kill me?"

"No, but they stink. And they make your teeth yellow." He laughed then said as seriously as he could manage,

"Yapp, you're absolutely right. OK, then, I'll quit." He tossed the cigarette demonstratively on the balcony floor, but she didn't react, simply looked at him with an unreadable expression on her face. He was just about to crack a joke when he noticed her eyes. He hadn't really looked at them before but in the faint light of the moon the strange coloring became so clear he couldn't take his eyes off them. Her iris was light brown, almost golden, with delicate circles of silver. The pupil in the middle wasn't black like humans but rather a deep, dark green. Those eyes were the most beautiful things he had ever seen. She interrupted his thoughts with an abrupt question, her eyes still locked on him.

"Is it true you and Buffy used to... copulate?" He flinched than became seriously annoyed.

"None of your business." he said and took out his pack of cigarettes and lit another one.

"I just thought you might like to clarify. I mean if it's just rumors then you can deny it." He couldn't imagine why she was so interested in this particular subject but he wasn't about to lie about it either.

"Yeah, we fucked our brains out a couple of times, back in the day. Before I got my soul." He filled his lungs with smoke, then exhaled in her direction before adding, "Why do you care?" She looked away. Clearly this wasn't the answer she had hoped for.

"I just can't understand why everyone is so..." she hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right word, "...so impressed with her. I mean, she's supposed to be this infallible vampire slayer but then she goes and fornicates with not one but two vampires. At least Angel was good..." He could feel the blood rushing to his head and felt the urge to do violence. It took a great deal of willpower to calm down enough to form words. He took a step closer, towering over her when he said gruffly,

"Listen here, I don't know who you think you are, but Buffy is a lot more infallible than you'll ever be! Us...we were just a mistake. She'd gone through a lot back then, sacrificed her life to save the world, to save her sister. She died, see, went to heaven no less, and all would have been roses and cherries if Willow hadn't brought her back. She had to dig her way out of her own grave you know. And I can tell you from personal experience that's no picnic. So you can see why she may have made some less than brilliant choices at the time. But that doesn't give you the bloody right to judge!" he noticed with satisfaction that she actually looked ashamed and perhaps even a little afraid. Then she looked up at him with those beautiful eyes again and in an instant his anger was washed away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." she said and the sincerity in her voice made his knees strangely weak. He actually heard himself stammer in response,

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to... It's just...she's special to me, you know. I get a bit crazed when anyone talk bad about her. I'm sorry." She nodded as if she understood. She probably did, the way she always stuck up for Angel no matter how stupid the old ponce acted. She smiled a little and he thought he saw her blush. A feeling he hadn't known in ages began to form in his mind. He knew he had felt it before but couldn't quite put his finger on it. It was a nice feeling though.

"Anyway," he said quietly, "if we hadn't...fornicated, I would still be a demon and you lot would be one champion less." She looked up at him and this time he was sure she blushed. A strand of her hair got caught in the gentle breeze and he had to stop himself not to tuck it back behind her ear. His eyes suddenly noticed a gap in her shirt, a small gap that gave just the smallest glimpse of her breast; round, soft, almost white in the pale light of the moon. Her full, red lips were so close to his, all he had to do was lean down and... No! Not Angel's rejects again! He could kick himself. He was not going to fall for her, no way! He had to turn away. With his back to her he looked out over the dark garden below. A shadow caught his eye. Angel was pacing back and forth on the lawn and then sat down on one of the benches, his head resting heavy in his hands.

"There's Angel." he said quietly, just as Kaya was about to leave. She joined him and looked on as Angel was joined by the High Priestess. They were too far away to hear what they said but it seemed she was comforting him.

"What were they like, in the beginning?" Kaya asked quietly with a hint of sadness in her voice. "Buffy and Angel, I mean. They must have been happy once, weren't they?" Spike looked at her, still fighting the urge to kiss her.

"I don't really know." he answered softly. "I suppose so. But I doubt it was ever easy, a vampire slayer and a vampire, seems like an obvious recipe for trouble. You could ask Xander I suppose; he was there for the whole thing." Then he added skeptically, "If he has any memories left after what Willow did to him." He had always been uncomfortable around witchcraft and the idea they could mess with your mind bothered him more than usual.

"I guess you don't really choose who will fill your heart." she said thoughtfully, still watching the scene below. The High Priestess was sitting very close to Angel now, and it was obvious that bothered Kaya. It bothered him too. Kaya sighed then gave him a look he couldn't quite read.

"I guess I should get back to bed." She made a move to leave but lingered for some reason, as if she didn't really want to go. Eventually she did though, and Spike watched her walk away with so many strange knew feelings spinning in his head he completely forgot about Angel and the High Priestess.

Giles rubbed his forehead then put his glasses back on. He was getting a headache. It felt like he had read every book in the library and there were plenty of them to read. Thousands of books in endless rows covered the huge hall. The room stretched at least twenty feet high and twice as long. Three ledges had been built along the walls, creating three floors accessible by small, winding staircases, to utilize the immense height of the hall and house the world's largest collection on books pertaining to the world of magic and the struggle between good and evil. Unfortunately it had been to no avail. There were no other references that might be useful other than the parchment Willow had brought him. He had been searching all night, hoping to find some alternative, something that would miraculously save his Slayer, but he was beginning to fear Willow had been right all along. This might be the only way. But it was risky and the chances were not great. She might turn out worse than she already was. Maybe she just needed time. He knew that wasn't true, yet a part of him still hoped. He sighed heavily. Accepting that Buffy would probably die before him was difficult enough. Slayers rarely lived long, he knew that, but this was different. If she remained in this virtually catatonic state she would be useless as a Slayer but as long as she was still breathing another one couldn't be called. A dilemma he rather not think about.

When Spike walked in Giles barely lifted his head. He greeted everyone with an unusually jolly, "God morning", but Giles ignored him. The library had filled up with people since breakfast. Angel had walked in about half an hour ago and was now pacing back and forth with his head in a book he was pretending to read. Kaya had made herself comfortable in one of the large armchairs so she could keep a close eye on Angel. Willow stopped by every now and then, between her regular visits to Xander's bedside. The spell had gone well; he had no memories of the past three days. Apparently Deanna had been more than willing to fill him in on the events. He deserved to know what had happened even if he didn't have a memory of it.

Giles returned to his books. There had to be another way. Spike asked loudly for a pint of fresh blood and seemed surprised to find a girl standing right behind him with that very thing. They were very attentive to their guests in this place, she had even brought a fresh cup of tea for Giles. He smiled gratefully as he took a sip of the hot beverage. Suddenly Spike turned to Angel with a cheerful tone,

"So, what were you and the High Priestess chatting about last night then?" Giles looked up in surprise. That seemed a bit odd for some reason. Angel barely reacted.

"I don't know what you're talking about Spike." he said absentmindedly, not even looking up.

"Oh, I get it. A secrete rendezvous, ehe? That's OK. Buffy's been giving you the cold shoulder, you've got every right to move on." Despite the cheerful tone there was no hiding the resentfulness Spike clearly felt. This time Angel reacted. He stopped his pacing and gave Spike a cold stare.

"Spike, don't...I'm not in the mood for your games today. I haven't talked to Catherine since Africa, so just leave it, all right." Spike suddenly became very serious. He hesitated for a second, threw a sidelong glance in Kaya's direction than took a step closer towards Angel. The atmosphere in the room was getting palpable.

"Then how do you explain I saw you in the garden last nigh, with the High Priestess? And I have to say you looked real chummy." Angel was losing his patience and walked up to Spike in a threatening manner. Giles was getting out of his chair. Something was terribly wrong here, he could sense it.

"I'm not going to tell you again, Spike, I did not see the High Priestess..."

"Bloody hell!" Spike snorted, obviously hurt that Angel wouldn't trust him. "Ask Kaya if you don't believe me! She saw you too!" Kaya had gotten out of her chair now and was staring at Angel with a shocked expression. When Angel gave her a questioning look she nodded.

"Yes, I saw you there too. You were sitting on that bench, below the balcony. You were talking. Don't you remember?" she looked so worried that Angel clearly began to doubt. And so did Giles. Spike might not be the most reliable creature in the world but Kaya wouldn't lie, not to Angel. Suddenly Spike offered a horrifying possibility.

"She played with your mind, didn't she? Did that thing Willow did to Xander!" Angel swayed where he stood and had to lean on the table beside him not to fall over. Then he thought out loud, as if trying to remember,

"I...I fell asleep, then I...went to see Buffy. But I went to bed after that, I...I think...yes I went right back to bed." He stared at Kaya as if she somehow would have answers but she looked as bewildered as he did. The only one who didn't seem even the slightest bit surprised was Spike.

"I knew it!" he said with a satisfied grin, "I knew she was up to something. She..."

"Don't you dare!" Willow had walked in without anyone noticing but now everyone was staring at her. "You better not accuse the High Priestess, not in this house. Not if you want to live." Giles realized he had been holding his breath and inhaled deeply. The cold lump in his stomach was back, along with the crawling sensation along his spine. He cleared his throat

"Let him talk, Willow." he said then fixed his focus on Spike. "What do you know about the High Priestess, Spike?"

"No, Giles!" Willow's voice was full of desperation. It had been years since he had seen her so... so helpless. It tore at his heart but he was determined not to let her emotions ruin them.

"Willow, hear him out." He looked her straight in the eyes, hoping that all the years they had worked together would weigh up some small portion of the loyalty she had towards Catherine. Spike had watched them with increasing alarm but when Willow turned away from Giles' stare he took it as a sign to go on.

"I met her in Moscow, during the Russian Revolution." he began, his usual glibness all gone and his voice deathly serious. "It was a feast for us demons back then, you could kill a dozen a day and no one would notice. Anyway, one night I meet this beautiful young woman alone in a dark ally. I'm thinking I hit the jackpot but as I was about to sink my teeth in her she does something to me, paralyzes me so I can't move. I stay like that for hours, almost don't make it back before sunrise. That kind of pissed me off, so I find out where she's staying and the next night I follow her. I wound up in the woods, a bit out of town. She went inside an abandon stable and I sneak a peak through the window." He heisted for a second, threw an uneasy glance at Willow then continued. "At first I couldn't make out what she was doing and I was just about to leave when I saw it. A creature appeared out of a cloud of smoke. It was the biggest, ugliest demon I'd ever seen. I couldn't understand what she was telling it but I had enough sense to dive behind a bush just before they came out. After that I grabbed Dru and got out of town as fast as I could." Giles stared at him, his mouth hanging open.

"The Karzini massacre!" he gasped. Spike nodded silently, then suddenly looked a bit guilty.

"I guess I should have said something before, but I figured you all knew. Besides, people change, right? I mean she could have turned good, like me and old broody pants here." He looked pleadingly at Giles, as if he wanted him to say it was fine that he had kept this to himself. But Giles just felt like throwing up. He ignored Spike and walked up to Willow, her face all white and her body shaking, her eyes staring at nothing. This was bad news for all of them but for Willow it must be devastating. Suddenly she looked up at Spike, her eyes glowing with rage.

"You're lying! It wasn't her! She would never..." In mid sentence she stopped herself, pressed a hand against her stomach and began gasping for air, almost folding over. She was clearly having a panic attack and Giles helped her to sit down. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she tried to breathe and he put his arms around her. There really wasn't much else he could do. When she stopped shaking he asked her quietly,

"Where is she?"

"I can't believe it." she whispered, her voice full of emotion.

"Let's find her and ask." he said calmly, trying to sound as hopeful as possible. After all there was a chance there was an acceptable explanation. She nodded then took a few seconds to compose herself. He got the feeling that deep down she felt the same thing he did. There had always been something not quite right with the High Priestess. If Spike was accurate Giles feared this doomsday-battle may not yet have played itself out.