Chapter 11

Willow let the paper fall back onto the massive oak desk. The red letters blurred as her tears soaked through them. "I LOVE YOU. TRUST ME." the note said. Simple and straight forward. Catherine depended on her loyalty. And her love. Willow felt like the floor had opened up underneath her and she was falling helplessly into an abyss from where there was no escape. No matter what she did now, she would betray a loved one. She breathed deeply, made herself look past the torrent of emotions threatening to tear her apart. With Buffy lost in her own private hell and Angel on the verge of madness it was up to her to see them through this. For the first time in her life she began to understand what Buffy must have felt all those years. The thought of being completely alone cut like knifes through her heart and she couldn't breathe. She had to grab hold of the table to keep from falling while fighting the urge to scream. But she had to be strong now, for the sake of the world and for her friends.

There was a knock on the door. She didn't answer, she couldn't. But he came in anyway. Good old Giles, ever the watcher. She could feel him standing there, looking at her, trying to decide whether she would hold up or crack. She took a deep breath and straightened, her eyes wandering around the room. It felt smaller somehow. This had seemed like a grand palace not long ago. Catherine had made it feel endless. They used to sit in front of the fireplace in the evenings, talking for hours. Willow had shared everything with her, her deepest fears and dreams, poured out her heart and soul. She had thought Catherine had done the same, that she had been as open with her as Willow had been, but now she knew better and it fueled so many emotions in her that she honestly thought she might go mad. She turned to Giles and smiled faintly.

"She's gone." she said. Forced to face reality she couldn't help but wonder, if she hadn't been so busy with Xander she might have noticed Catherine leave and been able to stop her. Could that have been Catherine's plan all along? Giles' face showed honest compassion, but his voice held no mercy.

"She must have erased Angel's memory for a reason. Can you restore it?" She sighed heavily. She hadn't even thought that far yet.

"I don't know. I have to find out what she did to him. Where is he?"

"Still in the library I think." He watched her cautiously as she let go of the table she was still clinging to. She hoped her legs would hold. She didn't want to show Giles her weakness, she wanted him to be proud of her. Although in truth he always made her feel like she was a teenager back in Sunnydale, no matter where she was. Of course those days where long gone. She was no longer a part of the old Scooby-gang, trailing behind the Slayer and her destiny. Now it was up to her to lead this coven and as much as she wished it wasn't so, she was in charge not Giles. Weakness was not an option. It was up to her to find Catherine and bring her down. There was no one else to lean on.

When they entered the library it took a while before they noticed Angel. He had taken refuge in a dark corner up on one of the many ledges along the walls. A few witches had taken up positions around him, watching cautiously as if they feared he would transform into Angelus at any moment. Kaya was speaking quietly with Spike while watching the witches as carefully as they watched Angel. Willow sighed. If they made it through this without killing each other it would be a miracle. She steeled herself and made her voice sound as commanding as she could.

"Angel." she said and watched him stir slightly in the darkness. "Come down here, please. I need to find out what she did to you." She pulled out a small vial containing a yellowish powder. The stairs shook and swayed under his weight as he came down. After all they were designed to fit slender women not brawny men. His scowl was even deeper than before and his dark eyes searched hers suspiciously. He clearly didn't trust her and she couldn't really blame him. She motioned for him to sit down and he did, after hesitating a moment. Willow closed her eyes, cleared her mind and focused. Then she spread the powder over him and watched intently. She hoped she would see the patterns of a simple forgetting spell, and after a few seconds she exhaled with relief. Obviously Catherine had been pressed for time. She could reverse this fairly easily.

When she had spoken the reversal spell it took a few minutes before Angel began to feel the effect. At first he just sat there silently, his face unreadable, as the memories came back to him. Then he looked at Willow with actual fear in his eyes.

"She's mad." he said and Willow felt like her knees would buckle.

"What happened?" she asked.

"She tried to..."he hesitated and looked at her almost pleadingly, "...she tried to seduce me, wanted me to go with her, to sit by her side." He looked as stunned as she felt. The thought that Catherine had romantic feelings towards Angel was something that had never occurred to her. It meant that she hadn't just kept her past from Willow but also her true feelings. Unfortunately Angel wasn't done. He got up and started pacing, trying to clear his thoughts.

"She said she wanted to make the world better, that the crystal would give her the power to do that. I told her the power would corrupt her but she...she wouldn't listen. She was obsessed, so completely convinced that she was strong enough to rise above human weaknesses. God! The look in her eyes! The same look Dacq'ilion had the look of madness." He stopped pacing and turned to Willow, his voice dark and threatening. "How could you have missed this? I trusted you. I was willing to die for you. I believed you wanted to bring Dacq'ilion down as much as I did. But it was all just a part of your plan, wasn't it? The plan to get the crystal for yourselves." She made herself face him. He had a good reason to be angry and he had a point. She should have seen this coming.

"You're right. I should have known. But she betrayed me as much as she betrayed you." Her voice was so calm she even surprised herself. The large library was now crowded with the witches that had been left behind when their High Priestess decided to turn to the other side. They needed to know she would be there for them, if they wanted her. She raised her voice so that they would all hear her. "I loved Catherine." she said, "She was my mentor, my teacher. She made me the witch I am today. But she had a choice. She chose the darkness. Like Angel said, the crystal corrupts; its powers were not meant for mortals, demonic or otherwise. Now we have to stop her, and we will. Because that's what we do, that is what we are." She turned to Giles. "Find out where she went. Fridha will help you; she knows the books on the crystal better than anyone." She hesitated for a second before adding, "I will go and reawakening the Slayer. We're going to need her. Catherine will know we're coming and she will be prepared." With that she left the room.

Buffy heard a noise beyond the crackling of the fire but couldn't make out what it was. A thought slowly formed in her mind but it didn't seem important. The color and shape of the flames consumed her conscience they were the only thing that mattered. She had no perception of time or space, all she knew was that the orange, yellow and blue lights were enough for her. Something moved beside her but she didn't care. It was peaceful here, nothing mattered. She felt something, a touch somewhere...she had to think...her arm perhaps. Her own body seemed detached from her mind, remnants of a time long ago when her arms and legs had mattered. Not anymore. She was at peace here, safe. Nothing mattered. Suddenly something blocked her view of the flames and she felt a strange sensation. A shape was before her now. She knew she had seen it before, but couldn't remember. It made a noise, several noises. She tried to move but her body wasn't a part of her. Vaguely she remembered a time when she could make it move. The noises slowly penetrated her mind and she realized they were words. It said, "Come with me." Something held her arm. She forced air into her lungs, a deep breath of air. It felt strange but she could feel her arms again, and her legs. The shape that spoke to her helped her up, held her, took her away from the fire. She didn't like it, she should do something but couldn't think of what. Then a name came to her. Spike. It was Spike that held her up and pulled her along. Slowly a thought formed in her mind. She could trust Spike. He was safe. She liked the colors of his face. Pale skin, read lips and blue eyes. She noticed that her legs moved. Did she make them move or did Spike? It didn't matter. She would rest soon.

He stopped, so she stopped. It felt strange, not to move. There were many shapes around her. They moved. Should she move? She looked down. The floor had many colors. A thought formed in her mind. Something was happening. She should know what it was but it all felt so far away. Then she thought of another name. Willow. She could trust Willow. She was there, in front of her. Words came out of her mouth but Buffy couldn't make out what they meant. Then she saw a dark figure. He looked at her and suddenly she wanted to scream. But she had no air. He was all black. She didn't like that color. She knew she should move but her body didn't move. She tried to force air down her throat, she needed air. Something changed. A sensation radiated through her. She knew that sensation, she had felt it before. It wasn't good. She wanted to run, but her body didn't move. A thought formed in her mind. Pain. What she felt was pain.

Spike leaned against one of the desks, restlessly playing with his lighter. It was a classroom of sorts and half a dozen desks had been pressed against the walls to make room for the ritual. Large chandeliers with dozens of lit candles hung heavily from the ceiling, giving off a soft, bright light. Thick dark red curtains covered the windows to keep the two vampires safe from the sun. The room was fairly crowded with witches standing around in small groups talking quietly, watching Willow closely and judging her every move. Spike could hear them whisper; some thought she wasn't up to it, others worshipped the ground she walked on. It was a bit strange seeing her like this. He still remembered her as a sassy but insecure redhead, desperately clinging to Buffy's skirts. But she wasn't clinging to anything now. She was all grown up and every bit the High Priestess, even though the formal election hadn't happened yet. And this time it was Buffy who was the weak one.

Willow had been very clear what she would do to them if they interfered with the ritual she had prepared for Buffy. She had explained that the only way to bring the Slayer back was to force her to feel again and to bring back the memories that she had tried so hard to escape. That meant pain and lots of it. But if they interfered before the ritual was over Buffy would be trapped in a catatonic state for the rest of her life. Willow had made both Spike and Angel promise on Buffy's life not to interfere. Apparently she felt they were most likely to want to, which probably wasn't wrong. Willow had placed bluish sand in a circle around Buffy and then painted her forehead with some smelly goo. Now she was chanting quietly, her eyes fixed on Buffy. At first it didn't seem Buffy was even aware anything was going on but eventually she began to tremble slightly and her lips tried to form words but no sound came out. As Spike kept watching he suddenly noticed her eyes beginning to fill up with tears and he had to look away. He had a sneaking feeling this was going to get really bad.

Kaya was keeping close to Angel, even though he barely noticed her. Spike admired her loyalty but a part of him wished she would stay close to him instead. The last few hours they had worked side by side, helping Giles compile information on the crystal and prepare for yet another battle. It had felt nice, spending time with her. They understood each other without words and it was probably the first time he had ever felt he could be himself around someone else without worrying about whether that was enough. Angel had been completely useless of course, skulking around like a wounded dog. Even Kaya had kept out of his way. Poor Xander, who had finally been allowed out of bed, had tried to talk to him but Angel practically bit his head off and walked away. Spike couldn't help but wonder if perhaps the wanker hadn't shared everything about last night. Catherine could be very persuasive after all. They still didn't know exactly where she had taken the crystal but they had traced her to Nepal. A mystical source Giles had contacted had mentioned a powerful nexus somewhere around there but they still needed the exact coordinates. Unfortunately the one who was most likely to figure that out was currently drowning in self-pity. Hopefully he would snap out of it when Buffy had been made normal again. At least all the books had agreed on a time when the ceremony could be performed again. Three days from now. That's all the time they had to find the wretched witch and stop her from destroying the planet and every other dimension. And so far they were two champions short. This ritual better work...

Buffy tried to remember the pretty flames but somehow her mind couldn't hold on to it. Instead other images played out in her mind, images she didn't want, images that hurt. She closed her eyes, hoped they would go away but instead it got worse. She was alone, she was the One, the only one. It was up to her, she had to die to save them, save those she loved, save those she didn't know. She was alone, had to fight, had to win. For those she loved, for her town. She was the Slayer. The only One. She couldn't feel her legs, something held her up but it wasn't her legs. Willow. She had betrayed her! Why? Images of demons, not real, not here! Just memories...Angel. His touch...desire burning her...needed him. Darkness. She was surrounded by darkness. The pain came, tore at her, crushed her. She wanted to scream but had no air left, no strength. She had to kill him. One last kiss. Had to kill him to save those...to save...to slay. That's who she was. The Slayer. The only one. He left her. Everyone leaves. Riley loved her. Couldn't hold on, lost him. Everyone leaves. Dawn. She was there, her beautiful face. The sister she never really had, a part of her flesh and the minds of demons. Death. Silence. She inhaled hard. The pain faded. It was over. Please, no more!

Spike realized he had tensed every muscle in his body till it ached. His jaw felt like he had smacked it against a wall for hours. He made himself relax. Buffy was hanging in mid air, her feet barely touching the floor. Willow held her there, intently focusing on her task, her face completely white with small drops of sweat slowly making their way down her forehead. Clearly this was no easy feat. It had been bad for a while but Buffy had finally stopped thrashing about, her body hung still and her face was no longer distorted with pain. It had taken every shred of willpower in him not to interfere. If he had known it would be like this he probably wouldn't have made that promise to Willow. At least it was over now. Angel hadn't moved, he just stood there like he was cut in stone, his face unreadable. Suddenly Buffy wrenched, moaned and tears began to roll down her cheeks again. Spike couldn't take it anymore. He left the room.

Buffy could feel the flame. So real, so close. It was cold, so cold it burned her. The pain came back, worse than before, worse than ever. Her mother, dead on the floor, tried to hold on, couldn't. Lost her. Everyone leaves. Now she screamed. Pain ripping her body, her back twisted, almost breaking. Darkness, couldn't breathe, couldn't move. She was trapped, had to claw, had to smash, had to dig... She was free, cold, hard, not really alive. Had to keep moving, had to slay, had to kill. For those she loved, for those that lived. Nothing left, nothing more...then pain. She was alone, the only One. Her body breaking. No more, PLEASE!

Spike paced up and down the hallway. Her moaning had been muffled behind the heavy door but her screams came through as clear as if she was inside his skull. To hell with the witches and their rules! He lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. The door behind him opened and Angel almost crashed into him. His shoulders were hunched over, his face twisted with pain and his eyes were filled with a bottomless horror. He had the look of a trapped deer just waiting for the hungry wolf to catch up. Spike stared at him. All those years they had spent together, all the demons they had killed and doomsdays they had averted, he had never seen him like this. It threw Spike out of balance almost as much as Buffy's screams.

Kaya came out right behind Angel and she gave Spike a frightened look. She didn't know how to help him anymore than Spike did. All they could do was watch as he paced back and forth, desperately wanting to leave but unable to get beyond a few feet from the door. As Buffy's screams got worse Angel gave up the pacing and leaned his head against the wall. He pressed his hands against it, as if he was trying to push it away. Kaya moved closer to Spike and he felt an overwhelming desire to put his arm around her. He didn't though. It wasn't right. But he had to do something. He inhaled deeply on the cigarette and exhaled a big puff of smoke then said as confidently as he could,

"I'm sure it's going to be over soon. I mean it can't go on forever, right? She'll be OK. Good as new." Kaya stared at him as if he had just suggested they go in and torture her themselves. Angel slowly turned his head slightly, his voice dark and menacing,

"Shut up Spike. You don't know what you're talking about, so just shut up."

"Hey, I'm just trying to hold on to sanity here! Don't you think this is killing me too? I love her just as much as you do." Spike always hated that Angel thought he had monopoly on feelings for Buffy but truth be told he knew his own feelings weren't nearly as intense as Angel's. Not that he was about to admit that. Angel simply turned back to face the wall and when he answered his voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper,

"You know nothing. She's like this because of me, I'm responsible." Spike lost it.

"Because of you! That's rich! You think you are the only one that ever hurt her? I seem to recall a dead sister, a mother with a brain tumor and tons of demons wanting to kill her every bleedin' second! Not to mention every bloke she ever dated wounding up leaving cause they couldn't handle her gig. You know what? You're so bloody rapped up in yourself you need your head surgically removed from you ass!" Angel didn't move. The screaming from inside had stopped and all they could do was hope it was finally over.

Buffy reeled, her body so exhausted she no longer had the strength to scream. All she wanted was for the pain to stop. Every inch of her body ached and every muscle was so tense it felt like it would snap at any moment. She tried to look around, to see if someone would help her, but all she could see was blurred shapes, too far away for her to reach. Then she saw a face, that beautiful face she knew so well. Dawn. The image hit her like a sledgehammer. Her body began to shake and she couldn't breathe. Oh no, not Dawn! PLEASE NOT DAWN! The body fell, so fragile, so human. Blood everywhere, her body so still, so quiet. No please, not Dawn... Everyone leaves. Then darkness. It was over. It had to be, she couldn't take any more. Darkness. A cave, a movement behind her. Something...his eyes. Not him. NO! Can't kill him.. NOT AGAIN! She screamed. Fire burned her skin off, only flesh now, fire kept on burning. She couldn't breathe her lungs frozen, cold from within, fire around. PLEASE NO MORE!

Angel clenched his fists. His focus was fixed on the wall in front of him. Kaya held her breath. Spike felt like throwing up. It took every ounce of self-control he had not to run inside and take Buffy in his arms. Her screams had started again, worse this time than before. Angel leaned back from the wall slightly and without warning he rammed his fist straight into the stone wall.

"Bloody hell!" Spike exclaimed and stared in disbelief. Then suddenly the screaming stopped and it was silent. Both Spike and Kaya kept starring at Angel. His hand and half his arm were hidden inside the wall. It must have been one hell of a punch! Spike almost laughed. It looked so...ridicules, Angel with his hand stuck inside the wall like that. The door opened and Giles came out to stand in the doorway. Angel slowly pulled his hand out of the wall and carelessly shook off the rubble and blood that covered it. Spike assumed it must hurt pretty bad but Angel didn't even flinch. Giles just looked at him for a moment, his face unreadable, then quietly stated,

"Angel, she needs you." It took a few seconds before Angel reacted, then he went in as quickly as he could on very unsteady legs. Spike was about to go after him but only got as far as the doorway. She was lying on the floor, her body drenched in sweat and still shaking like a leaf. Angel sat down next to her and gently scooped her up in his arms. She looked so small, so vulnerable. Angel held her close to his chest and she almost disappeared in his protective embrace. He carefully stroked her hair and rocked her quietly with tears streaming down his face. But when Fridha leaned down to make her drink a beverage of some kind, he gave her a warning stare, which she bluntly ignored. After she had made Buffy drink whatever it was in that cup it took only a few seconds before she stopped shaking. But she was still weak, she barely had enough energy to keep her head up. Spike couldn't watch it anymore.

As he turned he saw Kaya standing by the wall staring into the hole Angel had made. There was a faint light coming through it. Apparently he had managed to punch his fist all the way through. It would have been impressive, if it wasn't so sad. It would be a bitch to fix though. Kaya looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears. What she saw in that hole was a man that loved so deeply that he would literally bring down walls with his bare hands for her. But the woman he loved wasn't her. Without a word she turned and ran down the hallway to her room. His initial instinct was to go after her but he decided against it. It wasn't the right time. She needed to mourn. He on the other hand needed a drink. He threw one last glance over his shoulder. Angel had just picked Buffy up in his arms and was about to carry her to her room. Spike decided to head for the kitchen. He suspected the witches had a stash of scotch hidden there somewhere and he was determined to find it.