Chapter 12

Angel gently place Buffy on the bed and folded the cover over her. As he lied down next to her she nestled up against his chest, her eyes closed and her breathing deep and calm. Apparently it was a pretty effective potion the old woman had given her. He carefully pulled her closer to him and soon she slept peacefully in his arms. He inhaled her scent and felt his muscles slowly relax. Tears of relief rolled down his cheeks and he did nothing to stop them. This had been the worst day of his life and every part of him throbbed with pain, his hand more than the rest of him. He probably had to apologize for that little incident in the morning but right now he was just glad the day was over soon. But even though he was so tired he could barely think straight, he couldn't take his eyes off her beautiful face. It was so serene now with no hint of pain, and he felt actual joy for the first time in ages. He caressed her cheek gently, careful not to wake her. Simply touching her made all the horror he had felt for days fade and vanish. She was with him now and she was safe. As sheer exhaustion drew him closer to sleep he made himself a promise; his time he would never let her go, no matter what.

Xander had to sit down on her bed since the chairs were covered with books and other weird things. Willow had barely acknowledged him at all since he got there, completely consumed by the hundreds of volumes of books lying about. She was getting worse than Giles. The fire had died out in the fireplace and the room was getting quite cold. He shivered slightly and pulled a blanket over him as he made himself more comfortable on the bed. A girl had tried to put more logs on the fire but Willow had snapped at her so forcefully that she had practically fled the room. She had given him some hard stares too but he ignored them. There was no other place he could think of to go. He watched her sort through books and old parchments and felt himself reminiscing about times long ago. She didn't look all that different; her red hear was neatly folded in a simple braid and her nose still wrinkled in that cute way it always did when she was focusing on something.It was hard to imagine how powerful she was now. He had always known she was powerful but it hadn't really dawned on him just how important she had become. He regretted that they had grown apart in the last few years but they both had their lives to live. He still thought of her as his best friend and he trusted her completely, even if she had the power to erase his memory. But she was in trouble and he wasn't sure how to help her. He had to find a way to reconnect with her.

"Do you remember when we used to play hide and seek in your backyard, and that one time you couldn't find me so you started to cry cause you thought I had left you and gone home?" He held his breath and watched her carefully. She didn't even lift her head when she answered him and she was clearly annoyed with his interruption.

"What are you talking about Xander?"

"Just trying to remind you of something." he said as calmly as he could.

"I think you should go back to bed Xander." she said flatly and he sighed a bit. This was not going to be easy.

"I know you're hurting, Will. Please talk to me."

"I have a lot of work to do, Xander. Go to bed." Her voice was still firm but something had changed.

"She's your friend and you made her scream in agony. Doesn't that matter to you?" He braced himself for impact but Willow didn't react. What could he say to get through to her? He thought for a moment then said, "You're not alone, Will." She froze and suddenly she seemed very tired. When she turned to face him she looked like an old woman. He had to stop himself from gasping out loud.

"You don't no what you're talking about. You don't know who I am any more or what I feel. And you certainly don't know what I have done. So please, Xander just go." She returned to her books and all he could do was stare. Was she right? Had she changed that much? He slowly got up from the bed and took a step towards the door then he stopped. No, he didn't buy it. He walked up to her, pulled the book from her hands. She gave him a look of hard, cold ice and he almost feel over. He had seen that look before, when her hair was black and her mind filled with pain.

"You're my best friend Willow and I love you. That will never change, no matter what happens. And I will not leave you just because you tell me to. I know that thing with Buffy broke you're heart because it broke mine. But you're not alone! You don't have to go through this alone." He watched as her facade faded and tears began to roll down her cheeks. But when he tried to put his arms around her she pushed him away.

"Get away from me!" she almost screamed as she tried to pull herself together. "I can't fall apart now! Don't you get it! If I don't find Catherine and stop her, we're going to hell, all of us! And Buffy can't help with this, even if she recovers. This is my fight! I'm the only one who can save us and I can't do that if you keep bothering me like this. You have to leave me alone, Xander!" She was crying now and her eyes pleading with him. He moved closer to her and put his arms around her despite her best efforts to push him away.

"It's OK Will. You're not alone. It's going to be OK." Eventually she gave in and cried helplessly against his chest. It always made him a little dizzy to see these amazingly strong women so weak from time to time, but if they needed a shoulder to cry on he would offer it without question. When she calmed down a bit he helped her to sit down on the bed. She dried her eyes on a corner of the sheet and said quietly,

"Now I know how Buffy felt all those years."

"But don't you see? Buffy isn't alone either. She has you and Giles, Angel and Spike. She has people who loves her and will help her. So do you. If you start thinking everything rests on you, you'll go insane." He hesitated for a moment then continued, "Look, I'm not stupid, OK. I get it. Catherine meant the world to you and she betrayed you. She's probably got a whole bunch of magical traps set for us when we get there and you're the only one who can fix that. But Will, even then you won't be alone. We'll be right there with you, backing you up. Don't distance yourself from your friends. If you do you might wind up just like Catherine." At that she flinched and gave him a strange look. It occurred to him that not long ago she had probably wanted exactly that, be more like Catherine. He smiled, hoping it was a reassuring smile and she did seem to relax a little. She took a deep breath and nodded.

"I know you're right Xander, at least partly. But you can't understand what it feels like to have everything resting on you. It doesn't matter if you're in a room full of friends, you're still alone." He tried to object but she raised a hand to stop him. "I know you love me and I'm grateful, I really am. And I love you too. I love you for caring and always looking out for everyone. And you're right; I would go insane without you. But Catherine... it's complicated. I can't explain it to you, so please don't ask." She looked so sad he almost began to cry himself. The High Priestess had obviously meant more to her than Xander had guessed. But Willow straightened proudly and gave him a sweat smile.

"I really appreciate this Xander but I have to get back to work now." With that she rose and went back to her books. He wasn't sure how to feel. If Catherine had been a part of her life in a larger sense she had chosen not to tell him. That hurt, but more importantly it raised the question why? An alarming thought crossed his mind and he held his breath when he asked quietly,

"Did you love her, I mean for real?" She froze for a moment then gave him a look that said everything, and as she turned back to her books she said with a voice full of sadness,

"It's all in the past now." He couldn't breathe. Of all the things he had dreaded in this nightmare situation this was worse than all of them. If this was real did that mean...? He couldn't even think it, but he had to ask. He steeled himself then stammered,

"Willow, will you be able to... I mean if it comes down to it could you do... do what needs to be done?" He watched her with growing concern but she simply smiled reassuringly, a smile that never touched her eyes.

"If Buffy could kill Angel I'm sure I can manage. But I need to find her first so you really have to let me do this." After giving him a comforting nod she calmly returned to her books. He watched her for a while in silence then left the room.

Angel had no idea how long he had been lying there just watching her sleep. It had been so long since he had felt this kind of peace. He wished they could stay here forever. She stirred a little and slowly opened her eyes. When she saw him a smile lit up her face. He had forgotten how good it felt when she smiled like that.

"Good morning." He said quietly then added a cautiously, "How do you feel?" She didn't answer right away; instead she stretched like a lazy cat, her body touching his in ways that was intoxicating. She thought for a moment then said,

"I'm not sure. I feel a little...hung-over." She gave him a questioning look and he smiled reassuringly.

"Probably that thing the witches gave you, to help you sleep. It'll be all right." She smiled back at him and nodded, but concern touched her eyes briefly before she looked away. He knew it would take a while before she regained her balance but he would watch over her for as long as it took. She made no move to leave the bed, just rested comfortably next to him. He had no complaints, though. Having her near him like this was his idea of heaven and the last thing he wanted was to leave. There was a lot he wanted to say to her but he didn't want to ruin the moment, so he stayed quiet. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Fridha came in carrying a tray with two cups.

"Ah, good you're both awake. Quite a nap you had. We were afraid you wouldn't wake up today." She put the tray on the bedside table then gave one cup to Angel. He could smell the blood as she gave it to him and realized how hungry he was. As he took it, Fridha handed Buffy the other one. Angel gulped down the contents in seconds and had to stop himself from licking it too, but Buffy eyed her cup suspiciously.

"What exactly is in this thing?" she asked. Fridha gave her a motherly look and said in a very stern voice,

"Mostly herbs, dear. It will help you regain your strength." She motioned for Buffy to drink and she clearly wasn't going to take no for an answer. Buffy looked at it with a disgusted frown then took a deep breath and drank it all in one gulp. Angel couldn't help but laugh a little at her reaction, her nose wrinkling and her eyes pressed together. Apparently it tasted as bad as it smelled. Fridha, however, simply nodded approvingly and said,

"Good. You're going to need your strength, we'll be leaving soon." Buffy gave her a quizzical look.

"Leave? And go where?" she asked.

"Wherever Catherine has taken the crystal, dear." Fridha answered calmly and put both cups back on the tray. Buffy turned to Angel, her eyes asking the question he couldn't bear to answer, so he looked away.

"What's going on here?" She was getting upset now and he could feel her moving away from him. It was an excruciating feeling.

"Catherine has taken the crystal," Fridha explained as if it was the most natural thing in the world, "and she intends to use it the same way Dacq'ilion did. She wants to rule the worlds and all dimensions and we have two days left to find her and stop her." Buffy stared at her.

"I thought...but how could Willow...?" She suddenly looked terrified but Fridha just smiled calmly.

"Willow had no way of knowing. Catherine has ways of hiding what she doesn't want anyone to find. She deceived us all. Well, apart from a few sisters who went with her, that is." Suddenly she actually looked a bit sad. Buffy on the other hand was getting angry.

"Let me get this straight. We work our butts off to get this crystal from Dacq'ilion just so she can get her hands on it and use its powers."

"That about sums it up, yes." Fridha answered calmly and gave her a strange look but Buffy didn't notice. She had already pushed aside the covers and was getting out of bed.

"Well I guess I just have to go and kill her then." she said confidently and Fridha nodded as if that's exactly the response she had expected. Then she promptly picked up the tray and headed for the door.

"The rest are waiting in the dining hall, whenever you're ready." she said over her shoulder, then left the room.

Buffy could feel Angel watching her attentively from the corner of his eye. She was still weak and he knew it and as always he was there, ready to rescue her. She hated it, hated feeling weak, hated needing him so badly. It was hard to imagine that a good fight used to be her favorite activity. The very idea of going out to battle again was making her nauseous. But many things had changed in the past year. Willow may have brought her back but for what? She still felt she should have been the one to die not Dawn. Of course there was nothing she could do about that now. All she could hope for was to go on with some shred of dignity.

The long table in the dining hall was covered with bowls and plates with different contents and large saucepans with what seemed like stew, along with several loafs of newly baked bread. Most of the seats were taken except two at the end where most of her friends were seated. They were apparently in the middle of lunch, or possibly dinner, she wasn't sure about the time. The heavy curtains needed to protect the vampires form the sun, kept the rooms in constant darkness. Strangely enough she hadn't seen any clocks around either. Maybe the witches didn't need them. As they entered the room it went almost completely silent and Buffy could feel their eyes on her. It was a mix of sympathy and apprehension, which made her feel like screaming. Willow thankfully broke the uncomfortable silence by getting up and giving her a warm hug then motioned for her to sit down on one of the empty chairs next to her. But as she watched her friend she couldn't help notice a strange sadness in her eyes. A sadness she hadn't seen for many years, not since... Tara. As the thought ran its course in her mind she found herself unable to breathe. All she could think was 'It can't be!' Buffy threw a quick glance in Xander's direction but he wouldn't look at her. Willow had already gone back to her seat and Angel was motioning for Buffy to sit down too but she couldn't move. Her legs felt like jello and she wasn't sure they would carry her. How could she have missed the signs? As she thought back to the times she had seen them together it suddenly made sense. But if Willow had such strong feelings for Catherine, where would that leave them? Could she depend on her to defeat the High Priestess when the time came? And if not, could she do it herself? Despite her confident words, the very thought made her almost fall over. She was weak and scared and utterly helpless. Was this what they had brought her back for! Angel was there now, in front of her, his eyes full of concern which of course made matters worse.

"It's OK." he said quietly. "Just breathe. You'll get your strength back soon." She nodded and tried to smile but it probably looked more like a snarl than anything else. She wondered if he knew how weak she really was.

When Angel had helped her to a chair and made sure she had food on the plate, he sat down next to her. A part of her wanted to take that plate and hurl it at him, but she knew he was only trying to help. But there was no way she could eat, the block of ice in the pit of her stomach made it impossible to even contemplate eating. Not that it looked all that bad though. It was some sort of stew, most likely mutton and vegetables. They seemed to eat very little else here. A witch gave Angel a new cup of what she assumed was blood, which he drank eagerly. A quiet murmur had resumed and Buffy looked around as inconspicuously as possible. Spike was sitting opposite her, next to Kaya. It took a few seconds for Buffy to realize that he was actually sitting next to her, as in together with. A strange surge of feelings welled up inside her and she had to look down to make sure nobody noticed. Was she really jealous? Maybe it was just that she had gotten used to him being there for her and only her. She was happy for him of course. Or at least she would be when she could think straight again. Giles was sitting with his head buried in a book as usual, only eating a bite now and then when Fridha nudged him. It took a while for him to realize they had arrived but when he did he peered thoughtfully at Angel over his glasses and said absentmindedly,

"Angel, did Catherine say anything when she...when you two were..." he suddenly hesitated, throwing an uneasy glance at Buffy, "...eh...well, in regards to a location?" She could feel Angel squirming next to her. She had no idea what Giles meant by that but considering the sudden tension in the room she probably didn't want to know. Angel cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably before answering.

"I...I'm not sure. I don't think so." He watched Buffy as if he needed her to forgive him something. She tried to look as casual as possible. What did she care what he and Catherine had done? He relaxed considerably and searched his memory before continuing,

"Wait a minute. She mentioned something about the Tian nexus." Willow and Giles exchanged glances and then shook their heads. Apparently neither of them had heard of it. Angel then suggested tentatively,

"I know someone who might know, but I'll have to use a Carinian portal." That didn't mean anything to Buffy but from the look on his face it was obvious this portal business wasn't entirely safe. But she was determined not to let her own weakness effect him so she kept her face as blank as possible.

"You can use the ritual room in the basement." Willow offered, "It's the most stable magical center in the world, it should be no problem opening a portal there." He nodded and gave Buffy a look that almost seemed like asking for permission. She smiled, hoping he would take it as encouragement, which he did. With a quick nod he stood up and said,

"No reason to wait. The sooner the better, right?" He gave Buffy a warm smile and added, "It won't take long." Willow rose as well.

"I'll go with you."

As Angel began to leave Buffy suddenly couldn't breathe. Pain ripped through her and she had to muster all her energy not to grab him and make him stay. She focused on the plate of food in front of her, even picked up the fork. Tears threatened to roll down her cheeks and she swallowed hard. She wouldn't let him be less then he was because of her! She put a bite of the food in her mouth and made herself chew. She couldn't taste it but at least it kept her from screaming. As Angel and Willow left all of the witches followed close by, almost in single file. Giles hesitated for a moment, nervously cleaning his glasses, trying not to look like he was watching her. She prayed he wouldn't say anything and gratefully he didn't. Instead he soon followed the others out the door. Now it was only Xander, Spike and Kaya left. Kaya seemed torn between going after Angel and staying with Spike. Apparently whatever was going on there it was mutual. Buffy chewed slowly, focusing as hard as she could on the food, hoping it would be enough to make the rest of them leave too. She really didn't want to talk. But Xander came and sat down next to her anyway.

"Buffy?" he said in an attempt to get her attention. She swallowed and put on a smile.

"Hi Xander. How are you? Are you OK? You didn't look so good on Spike's shoulder, as I recall." She resumed eating, hoping he wouldn't take it the wrong way. She just couldn't bear to look at him.

"I'm all right. A little bruised but I guess that goes for all of us." He put a hand on her arm and leaned in a little closer. "Are you OK?" She could hear the concern in his voice. What was she suppose to say?

"I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine." She closed her eyes but the tears couldn't be stopped. He put an arm around her and she rested her head against his shoulder and wept.

When there were no more tears left she looked up at him. She noticed he had been crying too and gently brushed away a tear on his cheek.

"OK, you got me. I lied. I'm not fine and I'm not sure I'll ever be. But I'm here, ready to fight. We'll find Catherine and we'll stop her. It's what we do, right?" He smiled faintly and nodded then the sadness touched his eyes again.

"I know we haven't talked since..." he couldn't make himself say her name and Buffy felt like crying again, "...but I just want you to know it was a beautiful service. Lots of people came and everything. Your father was there too. She was truly loved." She pulled him close and held him.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." she whispered.

They held each other for a while, then he got up to leave.

"I guess I better go pack, again." he tried to sound cheerful but he looked as reluctant as she felt. She wasn't sure her legs would hold her so she stayed in her seat and eyed the plate once more. There was a part of her that knew she probably was hungry and should eat something, but trying to convince herself to actually put it in her mouth was surprisingly difficult. She felt sick just thinking about it. Suddenly she realized Spike was still there, watching her. Kaya had left and it was just the two of them left in the room now. There was a strange expression on his face that she couldn't quite read. She gave him a questioning look. He leaned back in his chair and his voice was surprisingly cold when he said,

"That was a real stomach churning moment you had there, with Xander. Real cute. Did you know Willow had to erase his memory because Angel claimed the torture he suffered at the hands of Dacq'ilion would drive him insane?" Buffy stared at him, unable to breathe. Spike leaned in over the table again, his eyes getting a little softer.

"You know I have always loved you, right? Even as a demon I loved you. You're the most amazing woman I have ever met. And I know you've been through hell." Now his voice suddenly became very hard,

"But Buffy, if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll fucking kill you myself." She stared at him, her mouth hanging open, tears rolling down her cheeks. A bit of sympathy shone through in his eyes but his voice was relentless.

"You would have killed us all down in that cave, you know. He couldn't have left you there anymore then I could. We depend on your strength and it's about time you realized how big an impact you death would have on all of us. Now, I'm not stupid, OK. I know you'll probably die before me, but to see you like that, just standing there waiting to die like some... wimp, that's intolerable. So promise me you won't do that again, all right? You'll die eventually, I can guarantee you that. But you'll have to wait your turn like everyone else, OK?" She clenched her teeth and forced herself to breathe. His words hit her like daggers and it took a few seconds before they really hit home. She rose slowly, painfully aware of him watching her intently. She tensed every muscle in her body and made herself walk steadily out of the room.