Trembling Steps - Warped Morality

"Hand over your valuables, and no one needs to get hurt."
This… actually happens?

Bandits. Honest to goodness bandits. I knew shinobi escorts were needed for a reason, but I assumed that most people would be scared off by the sight of us.

If they're here anyway, they must be stupid, confident, or desperate.

A shaking grip. A drop of sweat. A hesitant step back.

…desperate.

It really made the whole thing kind of sad. What kind of events led a man to such extremes?

Maybe…

"Are you sure you want to do this? There's no way this ends well for you, so please… reconsider."

I said with a bow. I knew that they weren't likely to back out by this point, but they hadn't done anything wrong yet. I was compelled to present the option, I'd want it in their shoes.

A few flinches, but no takers.

I'd hoped to at least save one.

"Get 'em!"

Isoaki intercepted the group on my right, so I turned my bow on the left.

Nock, draw, aim, release.

A pinning shot to a foot.

Nock, draw, aim, release.

A disabling shot to another's knee.

Alright, they're out of the fight, but alive-

Impact. The immobilisation made them easy targets for Haruka's shuriken.

Three more came at me.

I withdrew my staff and a smoke bomb, before putting away the bomb. These guy's weren't worth the expense.

Just as the first guy entered my range, I thrust a strike into his chest to stop him, then followed up with a light swing to his knee. He went down.

The next man was already one step inside my range. I stepped back, and complemented the motion with a heavy overhead swing, catching him in the shoulder with a crack.

The last man actually got close enough to strike at me with his axe.

So slow.

Block with staff, twist, side kick to chest, double down with a weak chakra burst.

He was down.

Taking in the rest of the situation, I could tell that Isoaki and Haruka had dealt with everyone else.

Haruka approached me calmly.

"Sir-"

He passed me, crouched down in front of one of the three, and slit his throat.

I froze.

Why?! What good does-

Another throat slit.

Haruka got up and stepped towards the last one.

"Wait!"

He didn't say anything, just stopped and glared.

Think fast!

"I- We're camping for the night nearby soon, isn't that right? I.. wanted to ask him some questions. I can catch up afterwards."

A moment of silence.

"Fine."

Then he left. Isoaki gave me a confused look, but followed after.

That left me and the man who's knee I'd broken.

"Um… do you want me to splint that for you?"

The man glared back.

"Right, fair."

I sat down across from him.

"I… don't actually have any questions for you. I just didn't want to see anymore people die."

He kept glaring.

"Did you know them?"

A growl.

"Right, um… stupid question."

Uncle Iroh made this seem so easy.

So what was I doing wrong?

What did I even want?

"You guys must have been desperate if you resorted to attacking ninja."

I watched the man for a reaction.

Truth.

So I was right…

"Do you… want to talk about it?"

Yumika used Friendly Offer, it had no effect.

"Who am I kidding? My allies just murdered all your friends, there's no way you'd trust me."

I dragged my hands down my face, and took a deep breath.

"I'm trying, I'm honest to god trying here. What do you want me to say?"

I put on my 'stupidly happy' hat.

"'Hi, I'm Yumika, nice to meet you'"

Then my frown came back.

"I don't want to kill you, but I can't let you go if you're just going to do this again. Give me something to work with!"

No notable response.

"Fine."

I got to my feet.

"You don't believe me. You think I'm just one of the 'evil sound ninjas' who wants to see the world burn."

I started pacing.

"It doesn't make sense to you that I am any different. If anything, me trying to be nice is suspicious. You probably think I'm trying to make you admit to where your family are or something so I can go kill them as well."

It was stupid. Hatred is stupid, paranoia is stupid.

"So let me clear this up first, I don't hold this against you."

I stopped in front of him again.

"Believe it or not, people are really just organic machines. We take in the world around us, compare it to a set of rules, then act. So, free will is a myth. Hating you for attacking me is as stupid as hating the sun for rising."

I crouched down.

"Do you know what the practical applications of retaliation are? Of course you do, but you probably never thought about it. There are two elements."

I held up one finger.

"First, it is satisfying. Body at work. A matter that doesn't apply to me because I have a lifetime of moral brainwashing/conditioning telling me that it is wrong. That feeling disgusts me."

I raised a second finger.

"So that leaves element 2: precedent. People expect those around them to act consistently. If I kill a guy who attacks me, others will assume I'll do the same to the next guy, and won't want to be them."

I gestured around me.

"Who do I have to prove myself to? You are the only one here!"

He wasn't convinced.

"Urgh, fine."

I'm done, screw it.

I popped out a small bag of money and tossed it at him. Each outpost we stopped at was a D-rank apparently, so even if our mission pay wasn't nearly as generous as the hidden leaf's, I had accumulated a notable sum with the last round.

The glare let up and now he just looked confused.

"Get out of here, and get your life in order."

Then I popped out a shovel and got to work.

"...you said you couldn't just let me go."

"I lied. I was going to let you go basically no matter what."

Of course I did. I wanted him to talk so I could help him.

"Why?"

Dig and throw.

"I told you earlier, didn't I?"

Dig and throw.

"We're just a bunch of organic computers. We read the world, interpret it with our body's impulses-slash-feelings and whatever moral compass compels us, then act as a consequence."

Dig and throw.

"Everyone, from the greatest saint to the vilest sinner, is trying to do the 'right' thing, but that 'right' is completely arbitrary. Nothing makes my good better than yours. Thinking so would be arrogant."

Dig and throw.

"So all I can do is act my best and try to convince others to do the same."

Dig and throw.

"It is only the wealthy who can be generous. Those who are rich in pain pass it on. Those who are rich in hatred do the same. It can be said for most things..."

Dig and throw.

"...Including kindness. So I ask myself: How would I want 'me' to act if I were in your shoes? I'm hoping that you'll remember my kindness and pass it on. "

Dig- Dig.

I looked up.

He had his own shovel it seemed.

We finished up, said some words, and I made my way towards the camp.

…

"You're a liar Yumika."

I didn't get far when I passed Isoaki, who was leaning against a rock nearby.

"Hehe, you got me, I let him go."

He shook his head in exasperation.

"You know what I meant."

I cocked my head curiously.

He got up and continued.

"You said it would be 'arrogant to assume one's good was greater than another's', yet you're always putting others first."

My face morphed into a sickly sweet smile in an attempt to smother the uncomfortable feeling in my chest.

"Bold. You've only known me for a week, Isoaki. I don't think you can-"

"You don't value yourself."

He interrupted me as he stepped in front of me.

"Only the rich can be generous. Is that why you let others get their way with you? What are you planning on doing with all that hate and pain you're hoarding?"

The words struck like searing metal rods.

I don't have to take this!

"I'll ground it to nothing and take it with me to the grave! Is that what you wanted to hear? Now let me repeat myself: you've known me for a week, Isoaki, don't pretend you have me figured out."

I snarled back and tried to storm my way towards the camp.

A hand around my arm stopped me.

"Yumika-"

"Let go."

My voice was ice and laced with poison.

"You're going to destroy yourself."

"That's not your problem. Let go."

"Is that what you'll tell Natsuhi?"

I froze.

"Yumika, I carried you around for two weeks. There were people who asked about you, people who care."

I don't want to hear it.

"Do you know what they asked when they discovered your condition? It wasn't 'what happened?', it was 'what did she-"

"Please… stop."

I begged, voice soft as the wind.

He answered with silence and let me go on to the camp.

Don't be a bother.

Be Kind.

Don't be hateful.

…

"Hey &%#?! why don't you come take part in this choir?"

I have other plans, other things that I want to do, but they need me, and I don't want to be a bother.

"Of course."

…

"Hey &%#?! you're so dependable. You're always on board when someone needs something."

"It's my pleasure to help." I lied with a forced smile.

…

Never refuse when asked.

Be Kind.

Don't be hateful.

…

"Oh I was too late..."

No cake left, and he sounds really sad. I did have my piece, the kind thing would be to give it.

"Hey, you can have mine."

"Thanks &%#?!, you're the best!"

I enjoy the praise more than the flavour.

…

All the other seats on the train are taken. If anyone else got onboard they would have to stand, so I give up my own and stand.

The backpack is heavy, and my stop is at the end of the line.

…

Never refuse when asked.

Be selfless.

Don't be hateful.

…

"Tell me &%#?!, why did you chase your friends?"

"I was angry." They were calling me names and I didn't like it. They thought it was funny and had been doing it all week.

"That's not a good reason."

"I'm sorry."

…

Someone cuts in front of me in the line.

I smile.

"Excuse me, but-"

Ah, they're not listening.

I shut up.

…

Never refuse when asked.

Be selfless.

Your feelings don't matter.

In other words…

You don't matter, everyone else does.

…

Why am I doing this?

I stare at the book I'd opened up for my exam.

You don't matter.

I stop studying.

…

"Hey &%#?!, do you want to go to university?"

Never refuse.

"Of course."

I don't have the grades to do well, and my work ethic is nonexistent.

…

I don't make friends, because I can't bother anyone.

…

University sucks.

Studying sucks.

Worst of all: I suck.

I shouldn't be here.

Your feelings don't matter.

…

What good am I?

You don't matter.

I'm a failure, I'm in debt, I'm useless.

How can I be selfless when I'm useless?

…

I die.

…

I live.

…

Natsuhi guides my hand through the strokes, with a content smile.

You matter.

…

"Yumika!" Issai shouts with glee.

You matter.

…

"Wouldn't want you to lose your one redeeming quality." Ichino declares halfway serious.

You matter.

…

Tatara corrects my move on the board, it's the fifth mistake this round.

You matter.

…

"You may let everyone else walk over you, but I won't." Kin declares.

You matter.

…

Isae gushes about how the new move I taught her will work well with the doctor's drug.

You matter.

…

"I'm glad you consider it home now." Kanshi says.

You matter.

…

Shikyou pats me on the head.

You matter.

…

I woke up.

I didn't talk much for the rest of the trip, until we'd reached Isoaki's stop.

"This is where we part ways."

Are you going to just let him go?

"Isoaki?"

"Yes?"

I took a deep breath, and braced myself.

"You were right."

I shuffled uncomfortably.

"I don't care about myself. I feel fear, anger, laziness, and the rest, but in my mind? I don't care… I probably never will, I'm just a bit broken like that."

I couldn't look him in the eyes.

"...but I do care about the people around me, more than everyone else. For their sake, I can… try to value myself a bit more."

I bowed.

"Thank you. I didn't want to listen to what you had to say, but I needed to hear it."

He laughed one of those bright protagonist laughs, and put a hand on my shoulder.

"It's always a pleasure to help a friend."

Feeling a bit cheeky, I added a final little comment.

"Good luck leading the rebellion."

"Wait? What? Yumika-"

I was already gone.

Strategy Journal

New Entry - Rock Lee (1)

Um… cry?

New Entry - Ino Yamanaka

Ino, of the Yamanaka clan, has three layers of threat to consider.

She is a sensor. She can do that thing she did to sakura in the chunin exams (note the hair). The possession technique.

She is also supposedly a skilled kunoichi in general, but the series fails to ever show that.

So? Strategy.

I can't bank on my isekai nature, strength of will, or Sakura's repressed self to get me out of the possession. If it hits me I am screwed.

Wait…

During the chunin exam, Ino possesses someone, and when she was forced to eject, she took damage because of the attack she suffered while in the other person's body. It's why they can't just slit your throat while possessing you.

So, if a Yamanaka possesses me, they're going to have a bad time, because my body is constantly tearing itself apart.

Note to self: The Yamanaka are not a threat.

Progress on other projects:

Anti-Eye Gas. No progress made.

Chakra Negation. Okay, ow. It's possible, but it hurts like a —- (Side note: chakra induced pain is spiritual and circumvents fried nerves). So using your muscles without chakra is like using them without oxygen, but worse. The muscle is less effective, and builds up exhaustion rapidly. Also quite sure that there was some sort of negative side effect from having extra chakra in the rest of my body.

…but it worked, even if I only managed a finger. Going to train more in future, carefully. At most 10 seconds per week.

Side Note: Side effect from extra chakra likely due to going over capacity, consider using/training at 50% chakra. (double the chakra will then be 100%)

Warning: Do not pull chakra from vital organs. Limit use only to limbs.

Blind-Fighting. Got a blindfold and sparred against Isoaki. A lot of work ahead of me, but seems doable due to generally stronger senses. Hurray for ninja bullshit (I'm the devil of hell's kitchen, muahaha) Practice further.

Stealth Skirmishing. No progress made.