Authors Note - Ok, I know I updated a little while ago, but inspiration hit and I came up with this chapter. It wasn't my planned next chapter, but I actually kind of liked it. Suggesting maybe life at the top isn't all cute and stuff. Anyways, I hope my faithful two reviewers like what I came up with. And please read and review guys! Lyrics are from Kelly Clarkson's Behind Hazel Eyes. Disclaimer says I own nothing as always.

"Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on"

The car journey to the hotel has mostly been in silence. When Trish and John had exchanged words, it was mostly about trivial, superficial things they had talked about a million times before. As John had let her out at the entrance to where Trish was staying, he had given her one last probing look. Not enjoying the this level of scrutiny from her friend, Trish couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze. It was a feeling Trish couldn't give a description, but she knew that if she met his eyes, John would see something he would wish he hadn't. Having said her goodnights, Trish had escaped to the safety of her room, free to ponder her own thoughts without the presence of others.

Emerging from a hot, rose scented bath, Trish continued to wrap the fleecy white towel around her gloriously toned body, tucking it tightly just above her breasts. With her feet padding across the soft hotel room floor, Trish ran a hand back through her damp hair before dropping into the seat opposite the vanity mirror. Studying her own reflection, Trish felt a sense of soul searching welling up inside. What are you doing girl? Getting your ass saved by Orton? You swore to yourself a long time ago you would never depend on a man ever again. And now here you are, spending another night alone with Will & Grace re-runs, every other diva snuggling up to their honies. Oh yes. Being the baddest diva really is worth it, isn't it? This is all you ever dreamed of. Sighing dejectedly, Trish rested her forehead in her open palms. When had her life taken this turn. How could it have gone so wrong? Wasn't this the life she had always dreamed of? A pin-up girl to millions, a Canadian hero and a record setting Champion in the wrestling industry, to name but a few of her achievements. And what have you got to show for it? Three empty houses in two different countries, a broken heart and loneliness.

"The stuff dreams are made of." Her own voice sounded all the bitterness that had been inside. On the outside, Trish knew she was everything a girl could aspire to me. Hard working, independent, sexy and powerful. But inside? Trish felt as though she was hanging on by a thread. Her professional wrestling career had become this all consuming monster, devouring her personal life and everyone she opened her heart to. Trish supposed that her desire to be the best, came from some deep rooted desire to be accepted. Contrary to popular belief, she hadn't always been this 'maple leaf beauty' that JR had crowned her as. Trish could remember a time when no boy noticed her, when she was just another face in the crowd, with her own secret dreams of being a doctor. To be able to touch people's lives. That was her dream. As she had grown, Trish had blossomed into a vibrant beauty. Her career in fitness modelling had propelled her to high's she had never even considered. Entering the world of wrestling had given her a taste of what life could be like. And like the diligent Patricia Stratigias before her, Trish Stratus had sky rocketed. She was the face of the women's division, showing the world women in wrestling didn't have to be classed as either brainless sluts, or masculine amazons. They could be sexy and talented. Trish was the culmination of this new breed of diva. Athletic and beautiful, enticing and intelligent. A true poster girl. But behind it. Behind those emotive hazel of hers, was such a sadness, one which iced its way to the depths of her heart and soul.

Of course, she had tried 'relationships' in the past. After joining the company, Trish had fallen fro Jeremy, the Smackdown television Executive, Trish's first big crush. They had lasted a few months before he dumped her for his now-wife Casey, who had worked in the costume department. Remembering the day she had found out, Trish had been both hurt and humiliated. But she'd moved on, and into the arms of Andrew 'Test' Martin. After a brief month long affair, Trish soon learned of Martin's lack of ability to commit. Ring rats were his tipple of choice, forcing Trish to bow out of the relationship.

And then there was him. The one man Trish had honestly expected to spend the rest of her life with. He was such a beautiful person, both inside and out. Beyond the ring attire, beyond the funky hair colours and neon face pain, was the most beautiful soul Trish had ever met. And what made it better, was that he loved her back. Backstage, they were the envy of pretty much everyone. Totally wrapped up in each other, Trish fondly remembered the connection they had shared. It was as though her lover knew her better than she knew herself. And despite all the love and emotion they shared, it hadn't stopped him breaking her heart. Trish could even now recall how in one single night he had destroyed ever hope she had ever had for the future….

XXXX Flashback April 2003 XXXX

The knock at the door arose her from the most shallow sleep she had ever had in her life. Despite the pain from the beating Jazz had handed out to her, there was something more keeping Trish from slumbering deeply. And that reason was now stood outside her hotel room door. Sliding from beneath the cool midnight blue sheet, Trish pulled it off the bed with her, using it to wrap around her naked flesh. Unlatching the door, she pulled it ajar to see her boyfriend leaning against the doorframe. Faded blue hair hung limply in front of his eyes, making his expression impossible to read in the darkness. Stepping over the threshold, Trish pulled him into a soft embrace, having the reassuring feel of his hands gently roaming over her back. Her lips parted in a silent moan as she could feel the heat of his lips against her bare neck.

"Jeff, its 2.30 in the morning. Where have you been? I got so worried when I couldn't find you after the show." Pulling back, Trish studied his eyes intently. Deep in her gut, Trish knew something was wrong before the fact that Jeff couldn't meet her gaze. Deciding to ignore it, Trish took his hand, and led him back into their shared room, kicking the door closed as he entered. Jeff simply sat back onto the double bed, leaving the Canadian beauty stood opposite. "Do you maybe want to let me know where you've been?"

"Vince wanted to talk." His reply was so flat, lacking any kind of real emotion.

"About?"

"My future with the company." Again, just a blunt statement of fact.

"Well…what about it?" Unable to hide the cascading nerves in her voice, Trish dropped to her knees before her boyfriend, resting her hands on his thighs. Slowly, Jeff placed his own hands on top of Trish's, and gently removed her hands off of his legs, placing them on the bed. Trish's eyes widened at the gesture, as Jeff got off the bed to stand before the window, his back to his girlfriend.

"Jeff…?"

"Vince said he can't justify keeping me in the company anymore. The creative team think my in ring performance has deteriorated significantly, and that I'm not pulling my weight anymore…and that's when I bother to turn up to shows." Jeff exhaled into a bitter smile at the memory of Vince's words.

"I don't understand. What does this mean?"

"Come on butterfly. You know exactly what it means. I got fired." Instinctively Trish wanted to slap him. How dare he use that intimate nickname he had for her, when he was delivering such earth shattering news.

"They fired you? Baby, I know you've had problems…but you can work through them. Maybe if you took some time off you could…" Back to her feet, Trish recoiled slightly as Jeff whipped around to face her.

"Would you just stop. Don't you see? This is what I wanted. I couldn't quit. I could never bring myself to do it. Matt would never forgive me, not after everything it took to get here. But that's his life. Wrestling is not who I am anymore. I can't do this for one day more. I just don't have it in me. Maybe the drugs started out as relaxation, but its gotten to the point where I can't face even thinking about coming to work without taking something. The drive and love I used to have for this business just isn't there anymore. I just stopped caring. I don't know how to anymore." Jeff dipped his head, raking both hands back through his straggly hair.

"So I'll quit. I'll come with you. We can go to Cameron, and figure out what to do from there." Trish stepped closer to her boyfriend, wanting to hold him with every fibre in her being. If Trish was honest with herself, she had known this was coming. The no-showing events, and being high when he did turn up was going to get him fired. In truth, she didn't know how he lasted so long. As her star had sky rocketed, his had slowly begun its final descent. But she had turned a blind eye to Jeff's troubles, just lying to herself that it was phase, that he could pull through it all, and he would so much better than ever. This conversation was evidence to the contrary. Well, Trish wasn't going to make that mistake now.

"Butterfly, you know you can't. You're the hottest thing in the company right now. The Women's Division is in the spotlight, and its been placed firmly on your beautiful shoulders. You know that. Those fans love you, and you love them." His smile was filled with sadness.

"I love you Jeff. That's all I care about." Trish pleaded earnestly.

"You shouldn't. I'm not worth it." Jeff started to turn his back on Trish, who stepped forward, forcing Jeff to turn back to face her.

"That isn't your decision to make Jeff. Please don't shut me out. Not now. I want to help. Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it." Trish's hands rested on either side of Jeff's face, his eyes focused down into hers. She could see the hurt welling there, causing her own bottom lip to tremble. "Don't. Don't Jeff. Oh god, please don't…"

"Trisha…"

"No," Trish released Jeff from her grip, turning her own back on him, "I'm not going to let you say it. I won't…I can't…" choking back tears, Trish held her hand to her mouth.

"Trisha, you know this can't work. Your life is wrestling, mine isn't. I'd just be holding you back. You need to breakaway and try it on your own, without me there catching you every time it doesn't work the way you want it to. And I can't be 'Trish Stratus' boyfriend. As egotistical as it sounds, I need to be free. I need to be me. And you deserve more."

Jeff recoiled as he felt the hard slap across his cheek.

"How dare you tell who I can't have in my life. It can work, if you want it to, like I do. If you're going to break up with me, please just have the guts to do it for the right reasons Jeff. Because I swear, if you walk out that door right now, there won't be a way back in. So please spare me the pep talks. If you think hurting me is going to make me end this relationship you are dead wrong. I love you Jeffrey Nero Hardy. If you don't want me anymore, then you end it. But please don't ask me to justify your reasons, because I won't do it."

Jeff seemed to consider what Trish was saying for a moment. Leaning forward, he took the petit Canadian into his arms. Dipping his head down, his lips brushed against hers softly. Slowly, he began to kiss her bottom lip, before taking it into his own mouth, sucking on the soft pink flesh until Trish moaned. Her own mouth opened to accept Jeff's eager tongue, which explored her mouth as if for the first time. Their lips burning together, Trish lost her hands in Jeff's hair as his grip pulled her off her own feet, his hands reaching down to caress the firm curves of her ass. Feeling warm liquid against her cheek, Trish broke the kiss, to see the tears spilling down Hardy's cheeks. Trish continued to step back until her legs collided with the dresser behind. This was it. She as actually watching the end of her future, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Frozen in the spot, she was powerless, only able to watch the love of her life make his exit.

As he reached for the door, Trish found her voice.

"Jeff…don't you love me?" Turning back, Trish could see his tear streaked face beyond the strands of hair.

"I love you butterfly. But I don't care anymore." And with that, he was gone. Out of her life. Trish hadn't heard from him since that night.

And the tears had come. For the next few weeks, Trish felt she was crying her very heart out of her eyes. Sometimes she felt as though she were crying for their relationships, at other times for Jeff, hoping maybe he could find his way home again. Never once did she ever consider she was crying for herself. Whatever happened in her life from here on out, this was a hurt she never planned to get past.

XXXXXXXXX Today XXXXXXXXX

And she never truly did. Of course, Trish moved the pain to a place inside where it couldn't hurt her daily anymore, but it was still there. Trish had often wondered since the spilt, had Jeff really loved her at all. She had convinced herself that if he had, he would have fought to keep the relationship. But he didn't. He had chosen to end it. In that moment, Trish had decided she would never again depend on a man. If she was going to live, be it in bliss or depression, it was going to be on her own terms, and never again on the whims of another.

Studying her own face in the mirror, she could do nothing about the glistening tear rolling its way down her cheek. And if Trish was honest with herself, she really didn't want to.