Cat: The Two Toris

I feel pretty lucky most days. It's not often someone like me can say she's got two best friends. Sisters, even. But better than that, because Tori, Jade, and I have always been sisters by choice. That makes it even more special. You can't really help the family you're born into (and I was born into a weird one), but you can choose who becomes your family later. On top of that, I've got Sam, a girl I kinda met once at a party, but who showed her true colors when she dove into a garbage truck to save me.

Don't ask how I ended up in there. I try not to think about that. There are a lot of things from those days I try not to think about. Not that I regret anything! I was the luckiest girl at Hollywood Arts, to have found so many great friends and have the opportunities I had. But I also had some difficulties.

Sam and I became friends right away. I was so taken with everything about her. Even before I met her in that truck, I loved watching her on iCarly. She reminded me a lot of my friend Jade. Kind of a tomboy but so beautiful too. And the way she tormented Freddie reminded me of how Jade tormented Tori. Well, kind of.

As Sam and I got to be better friends, I started to feel differently about her. There were a few things that made me realize I was starting to fall for her. Being stuck in the safe room with her was one thing. The night of the throbbing moon when she helped me sneak into the hospital to get that girl's other shoe. (I still have those, by the way. I'll never give them up!) And I have to admit that when her twin sister Melanie kissed me that one time, I started to wonder what it would be like if Sam kissed me. And once I started thinking about that, I couldn't stop.

But the real difference for me was when she and Jade became friends and started hanging out. I was so jealous! I was jealous of Sam kind of stealing Jade, since we were friends already. And I was very jealous of Jade spending all that time with Sam and doing things with her that I didn't like or maybe didn't understand. And I got so mad at her when she decided she'd jump over Dice's stupid tuna fish. I was so afraid she'd get hurt that I tried to do it myself.

It didn't go well. Her friend Freddie and my friend Robbie ended up in the hospital after getting attacked by the fish. But I realized that my feelings for Sam were maybe a bit more than just friends. I wonder if she did too.

Not long after that, I may have gotten arrested while trying to help Dice get the cover of a photo shoot. Sam rushed right out to get me so I didn't have to spend two whole weeks in jail.

Well, rushed is a strong word. But she did come for me the day after I called. She said she couldn't resist Nona's cooking for just one more night, but she felt guilty. Personally, I think she just missed me.

But when I asked her to the prom, that's when things got serious. And it was so amazing, just like a fairytale. Except that we're both girls. And Sam hates fairytales. Well, at least the ones with the happy endings, like the Dingo versions. She's okay with the original versions where people get their toes chopped off and die and stuff. But she didn't really like any of the ones where the hero gets a happily ever after.

I understand why. There's really no such thing as "ever after." Things always change and nothing lasts forever. Sam always said the good times never last. It's a sad thought, and I didn't like her to point it out. Maybe it's true, but you know what? The bad times don't last forever either. It goes back and forth, all the time. And I guess maybe sometimes it seems like people get stuck in the bad times or that the good times are always shorter, but maybe not. Maybe it's all just how we see it.

But things always change. People do, too. We get older, some get wiser, and some get therapy and learn that they were suffering from a trauma-induced behavioral disorder where they reverted to a childlike state as a means of coping with external stimuli too overwhelming for their mind to process normally.

Okay, that was me. But I'm feeling much better now. And that's why sometimes when I look back on those days, I feel kind of embarrassed. I know it wasn't my fault exactly, and sometimes I can still be a little silly or giddy or even ditzy or forgetful. But I'm happy with who I am, and I love my life. Being a singer is a dream come true for me, and it was all possible because of who Sam inspired me to be. She made me better than I was, and from her, I learned how to be strong and take chances.

Sam's the most amazing girl in the world. It makes me so sad we haven't gotten our happily ever after. Or even a happily-for-a-little-while. She left me. Why would she leave? Even writing those words makes me want to cry. I don't know what I did or why she left, but…

I'm sorry. I can't talk about that now.

Anyway, I needed Jade. I needed Tori. More than I ever had in all the years we've been friends. I check their socials every single day (well, Tori's, since Jade deleted all hers) so I knew Tori was in New York working on her album. And I knew where they'd be staying because they stayed at the same hotel every time they came to the city: the one where they fell in love and finally admitted it to each other. It was so cute; I loved it so much.

I knew for a long time that Jade and Tori were meant for each other. Well, not for a long, long time but like…a pretty long time. Well, I guess maybe for a few months before they did. It was sometime near the end of our senior year, after Jade and I…

Oh, wait. I still can't talk about that.

It was sometime near the end of our senior year, right around the time Sam and I got together. I noticed something about how they talked to each other. And looked at each other. And touched each other. Jade did not like being touched back then. She'd yell and threaten anyone who tried, except for her boyfriend Beck and Tori. So I knew there was something there. And I kept telling her, but she didn't believe me. Until she did.

Outside of Sam, Jade and Tori were my whole world. So it scared me so much to see they were arguing. Even if Tori was upset with me about showing up out of the blue, I had to talk to her. Which is why I went looking for her.

I looked at the GPS on my phone again. It was so funny to me that Tori was just this little dot on the screen. Luckily the dot hadn't moved. I didn't really want to talk to the driver again. I think he recognized me; that or he was one of those creepy guys who liked to stare at girls in the mirror. He was polite, but that didn't mean he wasn't also creepy. I kept my ponytail tucked into the back of my coat so he couldn't see my hair color. Sometimes that was a giveaway since not many people have my shade of red.

I wonder if it would be the case if I'd seen a different kind of cake the day I decided; like a yellow cake or a chocolate one. Caterina with blond hair, can you imagine?

Sam always teased me about the outfit. She thought it was too conspicuous. "You're drawing more attention dressed like the guy from the Pink Panther than you would just with a wig or tucking your hair under a hat."

I didn't think I looked anything like a cartoon panther. He was always naked. And he smoked sometimes.

The cab pulled up in front of the bar. I paid him on the app, thanked him quickly, and hurried out the door. The bar was dark on the inside; I had to wait a minute before I could see well enough to look for Tori.

I found her in a corner, her back to the room. She sat that way when she didn't want to be easily recognized, but of course, since I knew who she was, it was that fact that helped me find her faster. And I don't mean to make her sound like a priss; normally she loved meeting fans who recognized her. Just not this night, I guess.

My chest was heavy for her. I had to talk to her and help her feel better.

"Is this seat taken, Miss?" I used my fake Australian accent but I think she saw through it. When she saw me, it was like there were two Toris: one was happy to see me. That one's eyes were glistening and a smile kind of tugged at her cheeks. But the other one was empty-eyed and kind of sad and hollow. She wanted to be alone and dragged happy Tori away.

"I kind of want to be alone right now, Cat."

"You can be alone." I slid into the seat across from her. "And I'll be alone, too. Right here."

Tori sighed. I knew that sigh. It was her, Cat's being dumb again sigh. She'd never say it like that, but I knew that's what it was.

"I know that's not what you mean. I was trying to be funny."

"Not really in the mood for funny, either."

"Well, that's good because I'm not very funny. Not on purpose, anyway." I know I hugged her once already, but it was so good to see her I really wanted to do it again. But I couldn't do it here and make a scene. Someone might recognize one of us, and that would cause all kinds of headaches.

But wait, did Tori smile a little when I said that?

"Don't do that," I said. "I saw that cheekbone light up for a second."

It happened again, but Tori looked away. "I don't know what you're talking about," she mumbled.

"That's usually my line, isn't it?"

I don't know why self-aware humor always seemed to work with people. Maybe we all like poking fun at ourselves, deep down.

"Cat, don't be mean," Tori giggled.

"Why not? I know it's true and it's making you laugh. Which is much better than you scowling."

I could tell she was tired; her eyes were red and puffy. I think she had been crying earlier. It broke my heart to know that; her fight with Jade must have been really bad.

"So you're just trying to cheer me up?"

I shrugged. "Duh. You're my friend and you're hurting. What happened with you two?"

Tori seemed far away for a few seconds. When she came back, she still seemed distant, like put up a wall between us that she didn't want to talk over.

"It's a lot to get into." She did smile at me, though, and that warmed me up. "How are things with you though, Miss Superstar? I heard your last album is up to double platinum now."

"Yeah, just last week. It's exciting!" I tried to put some enthusiasm into my voice, but I'm sure Tori didn't believe it. She knew me pretty well.

"I'm so proud of you, that's amazing. Must be a crazy life, being a pop princess." I loved seeing Tori's smile. It finally came out of hiding and her cheeks were lit up like little nightlights.

"I wouldn't call myself that." Honestly, it made me uncomfortable to hear anyone call me that, but it was definitely a phrase the news people liked to use. I wasn't a princess of any sort. "Nona always used to say that being a singer and being a princess were two different things, and that too many singers thought they were actual royalty."

Tori's smile got wider when I mentioned Nona. "I love her pearls of wisdom. How is Nona these days?"

"Oh, she's moved on to a better place."

Tori's jaw fell open. "What!? When did that happen? Why didn't you tell us?"

I shrugged. "Two years ago. It wasn't a big deal. She said she didn't want to be a bother."

Tori seemed really upset by this. "Bother anyone!? What does that mean? You make it sound like…like she went willingly."

I was so confused. "She did. Elderly Acres was just getting too expensive and they kept cutting back on all the things she liked to do."

Tori rubbed her eyes. "Cat…did Nona just move to a new elderly home?"

I laughed. "Well, yeah. A Better Place Elderly Care and Senior Community." I wondered why she thought…

Oh. Wait. I get it.

"You thought she died, didn't you? Because of how I said it?" Tori nodded, and the color came back to her cheeks. "Sorry. If she had died, I'd have just come out and said that."

"So she's okay?"

"Yep. 82 years old and feisty as ever."

Tori squeezed her eyes closed once more. She seemed so tired even under her smile…which was less bright now after my little mixup. "Sorry that I assumed…I mean I guess I'm not used to…well."

I knew what she was getting at. "Not used to me being lucid? Responsive? With it? Self-aware?"

"All of those, I guess," she said in a way that let me know I could stop listing things. "I knew you were going through therapy for a while, I just didn't realize how much it…helped? I mean, has it helped?"

"Sure it has," I said. "It's helped me a lot actually. I realize a lot of how I acted in school and for so long after was me regressing into a childlike state to deal with unprocessed trauma. Mainly stuff from my brother. Once I dealt with it, I started feeling more comfortable breaking out of that pattern."

Tori stared at me and I realized I must have done it again. I had this habit of repeating back the things my therapist said. I did it often in our sessions because the repetition helped me understand her, but sometimes when I'd talk about it, her words would just tumble out and I wouldn't even realize I said anything.

"Sorry," I added quickly. "That happens sometimes. But I'm feeling much better now."

Tori reached across the table and put her hands on mine. Her skin was warm and soft. I felt a chill on my back, which was weird. I didn't usually get those from Tori, even back in school.

"I'm so sorry we've fallen out of touch so bad," she said. "And I'm sorry for how I acted in the room. I shouldn't be upset with you. You have no idea what's going on right now."

I moved my hands so that I was holding hers. "I'd like to, if you want to share it. I came here for help but if I can help my best friends, of course, I want to try."

Tori withdrew her hands and the chill went away. So strange…

"It's a lot to get into."

"You said that before. If it's that much, then just pick one thing and just tell me about that part. Something bite-sized that's easier to talk about. I bet you'll feel better."

Tori seemed surprised to hear me say that. I guess she still getting used to lucid Caterina. Sorry, I mean Cat. When you go by your full name all the time, you get used to writing it and saying it like that.

"Bite-sized, huh? Okay. That's a good idea."

"I know."

It took her a minute to start talking. I guess she needed to think about it.

"I guess for one thing, it's the contract with NuSound. It's really good—amazing, honestly—and they're so much better to work with than Mason."

"That sounds like a good thing to me," I offered.

"That part is, sure. But…well, I'm working for Arthur Ganz."

I felt like that name should mean something to me, but it was like trying to remember a dream years after having it. "Is that someone I should know?"

"Arthur, probably not," Tori said. I was relieved. I hated forgetting people, but it happened sometimes. "But you did meet his daughter, Tara. She and her friend Hayley were the ones from—"

"Karaoke Dokey. Yeah, her I remember." Oh, yes, I remembered those two very well. They were a few nasty girls who tried to get Jade and me banned from singing there because we were way better than they were. They tricked us though, because we didn't know Hayley's dad ran the place. Tara was probably the less nasty of the two but she was still part of the problem. I was surprised to hear that Tori would work for her dad. "How did that happen?"

Tori seemed uncomfortable all of a sudden, as if the thoughts in her mind made her body not want to be there.

"Well, this is where it gets complicated. See, Tara and I may have known each other back in school."

"Of course you did. We all did."

Tori glanced away from me. Why didn't she want to look me in the eye?

"I knew her a lot better than everyone else."

I giggled. "Tori, you make it sound like you dated." She pinched her eyebrows together. Why would she do that? "Tori," I said slowly. "You make it sound like you dated." She still didn't look at me. "At least tell me you didn't…you know…have relations." She covered her face with her hands. "Oh, gosh! Really? Her?"

"Yes, her," she said. "Listen, she was really sweet. She came to me for singing lessons and she got really good, but during the process, we…kinda fell for each other. And, yes, we…had 'relations' eventually."

It hurt a little to think I didn't know about any of this. We were best friends! How could she date this girl and not even tell me?

Oh, wait. There was the time I kind of…well, I'm not supposed to mention it. But I guess I could understand Tori wanting to keep something like that quiet.

"I'm kind of surprised you didn't tell anyone about that," I said. "I mean, I think I would have understood. If she really turned out to be a nice person. Maybe we could have been friends."

Tori seemed sad again. Dang it.

"Actually…do you remember how the acts got messed up for the final showcase?"

Did I ever. Not only did I get stuck with doing a scene from the scariest movie ever made, but it led me and Jade to…ah, dang it!

"I remember. Trina did it to get back at you for putting her in our group." Tori shook her head. Her cheeks were almost as red as my hair. "That's not what happened?" Suddenly our conversation clicked in my head and all the little pieces fell together in my mind to paint a picture. "Oh, I get it. Tara did it, didn't she?"

Tori seemed surprised I had worked it out on my own. I guess it was really going to take her a while to get used to it. I hoped she could. I'd hate to think I would drive away my friends because I wasn't me anymore. Really, I was more me now than I ever had been. If that makes sense.

"She says she really loved me. That she asked for the lessons so I could help her get good for the Northridge showcase. But then they made it into a competition and Hayley convinced her to try and mess up our chances. She tried to fix it but it was too late. We broke up, and I haven't seen or heard from her until she called me about the NuSound deal."

Wow. That was a lot to take in. I think I followed it all, though. I sure tried to look like I did. "Well, it's really cool that she remembered you and tried to help you out with this deal. I think it's great you're going to have an album! Maybe we could collaborate sometime. We never really sang together, just you and me."

Did I mention I love Tori's smile? It makes my insides feel like they're curled up in a comfortable blanket by a fire.

"Cat, I'd love that," she said.

"Me too. We'll make it happen." At least now I understood some of what was going on with Tori, but not why they were fighting. "So is Jade upset about Tara? Is that why you're fighting?"

The nice, warm smile faded fast, like it was put out by an avalanche of darkness.

"No. Not exactly. Well, sort of. I just…I never told anyone about me and Tara. She was my first."

"Your first what?" Tori looked at me in that way that silently suggested I should know what she means. And it did click with me a few seconds later. "Oh," I said. "You mean sex."

"Yeah, I mean…my first real relationship, honestly. Including sex. Anyway, Jade's asked a few times over the years who my first was and I always tell her I'm not comfortable sharing it."

"Well it's personal," I offered. "But then again, she is your wife. So maybe it makes sense to share it? I don't know. I never told anyone who my first was either."

"I just didn't know how to say it without bringing up all kinds of other things about the showcase. And back when we got married, it was a lot closer to our days in school. So I just kept putting it off. But when I did tell her it was Tara–which was a huge deal for me–she said she knew about it already. And she wouldn't tell me how or for how long."

Tori was right, it was a lot. I was starting to struggle a bit. "This is why I never got into all those weird teen soap operas," I mumbled. "I can't keep up with this much drama."

The waitress appeared then, asking if Tori wanted a refill. She acknowledged me too, and looked at me twice, probably confused by my outfit. I ordered a decaf coffee with cream and sweetener. She stared hard at me, and gave Tori a second look, too, before scooting off.

"We may have been recognized," I whispered. Tori shrugged. She seemed so stressed, I just wanted to hug her again. "Look, maybe Jade will tell you all that when things settle with her and the social media stuff. That can't be easy on her."

Tori shook her head and rubbed her eyes for like the tenth time. "That's just it, Cat. She just came from LA tonight; she had gone home to meet with Liz and figure out what was happening. I kept asking how it went and she kept deflecting. And when we got back to the room she kept looking at her watch, like she was waiting for something." I noticed Tori's jaw kind of lock in place; it didn't happen often. When it did, it was a big sign that she was upset. Like, really upset. "Turns out she was. She was waiting for someone to call me so she could tell me not to answer it."

Now I was really confused. "Who called you?"

Tori squeezed her eyes shut. "Hayley Ferguson."

Wait, what the what? Hayley? "She's back too?" I sighed. "Dang it. What is this, like a greatest hits album, but with only the worst songs?"

Tori nodded. "The worst part is what she told me."

"Who? Jade?"

"No. Although she told me something kind of shocking too. But Hayley…"

She trailed off. It was hard for her to say it, I guess. I couldn't imagine why. What could be so awful?

"All this stuff Jade's going through, I guess Hayley is responsible for it. And she told me that Jade went behind my back and used my dad to try and dig up dirt on her to get revenge for all the social media crap."

Oh. That's what could be so awful.

"And the worst thing is—"

The waitress arrived with our drinks. She was very focused on Tori. "Hey…you're Tori Vega, right? The actor?"

Tori took a breath and forced a smile. "Yep. I'd really love it if you could keep it down, though. I'm trying to—"

"Oh, no, I get it. I just wanted to say sorry to hear about what happened with…well, your wife. I was really hoping she'd come out on top of this."

Tori's normally dark skin went really white, really fast.

"What do you mean?"

"I just read online that she retired. It's all over the place. Really sorry. I love her movies. You two were great together. Such a shame."

The waitress left our drinks and rushed off. Tori and I exchanged worried glances. In seconds, we were both on our phones searching through the LA-based news sites. I found it first; an article featuring Jade in one of her most beautiful gowns for a movie premiere. I clicked on the video and turned my phone so we could both see it.

"It seems like social justice triumphs again, at least for those who took issue with the divisive words of noted horror director Jade West. Earlier today the story was leaked that Miss West will be stepping down amidst her controversial response to a recent interview when asked why she didn't consider diversity in her casting process. We've been unable to reach Miss West. Elizabeth Hannah, founder of Grimm Productions and a longtime collaborator of Miss West, refused to comment."

Tori's eyes filled with tears so fast. Suddenly there was a third Tori; not happy and not mad, this one was sad. So, so sad. I reached out and took her hands. I didn't know what to do; my heart and brain were racing so fast. I wanted to say something smart or comforting or profound. But instead, something else slipped out that was probably none of those things.

"Ah, shovemuckers."

Interlude: I Absolutely Do

The day of Jori's wedding.