CHAPTER 11

When Jack got home, he cracked open a case of beers and turned on a movie. There was no way he was sleeping without some extra liquid assistance. He mindlessly watched the images on the screen until the credits started rolling. Running on cruise control through his nightly routine, he climbed into bed and grabbed his phone. He had almost forgotten the other side of this situation until he saw several notifications. He inhaled deeply before opening them.

"I've been thinking about you a lot. I went to meet you tonight and you never came."
"I just wish I knew why."

Shit. He thought as he quickly clicked the button on the side to shut his screen off. How the hell was he was supposed to fix this. His common sense and his curiosity played tug of war in his head for a few minutes on whether to continue reading or not. In the end, his curiosity won out and he woke his phone back up.

"While I was waiting, my work nemesis, as you call him, showed up. I got caught up in all the my emotions especially anger and frustration and I took it out on him."

"I was callous and cruel and I'm never that way."
"It pains me because I know I hurt him deeply, and he doesn't deserve that. No matter what he's done to me."
"I wish I could just say I'm sorry, but an apology wouldn't be enough."

"Anyway, there's something about talking to you that has this centering effect on me and I wanted to talk to you about this so badly."
"I hope the reason you did not come wasn't because of something I did."
"I want you to know that I cherish what we have. You've helped me through this season of my life more than you will know."
"And for that, I will always be grateful."

Although her words earlier that night had pierced him in a deep, dark corner hidden away, the ones he read on his phone dejected him more.

Sam Carter has a beautiful soul. And he had provoked her to the point where she snapped. Now she was ashamed of herself for it. He made her feel ashamed of herself. That put a pit in his stomach. Then despite it all, her immediate concern was how she had hurt him and her first inclination was how to fix it. Which led him back to his original thought, Sam Carter has a beautiful soul.

One that he didn't deserve to love.

How she could ever think that somehow this was her fault was beyond him.

"My name is Samantha by the way, but most people call me Sam."
"I hope to hear from you again."

His heart sunk even further. She had cracked open her door by telling him her name, signifying that she was still interested in continuing this thing they had even after thinking he stood her up. It was a step forward in their relationship, a smaller one than meeting, but still a step forward. But he knew he had to let her go.

The next morning, Jack was sitting in the commissary hunched over his bowl of Fruit Loops pushing them around in circles with a spoon when Daniel joined him at the table with a plate of pancakes.

"Morning. How's it going?" Jack responded with a small grunt of acknowledgement. "That good, huh?" Jack answered with another grunt.

"What's going on Jack?"

He wanted to respond with a quip, but saw the sincere concern on his friend's face. Although often oblivious, Daniel cared deeper than anyone when he was actually enlightened on a situation. While most people ask in mild concern, Daniel wouldn't let you off the hook easily when something was wrong, especially when it came to the people he cared about. He was skilled at knowing just how much to say and not to say regardless of how much he was given to work with.

Jack knew when it came to him, he usually never gave Daniel much. The words Sam said the night before crept back into his head. "Trusting someone with your life is easy compared to trusting them with insight into your heart. You push everybody around you away by keeping them at bay."

"It's Sam."

"What's Sam?" asked Daniel as he proceeded to pour some more syrup.

"The woman...from the app." Daniel paused mid-pour and fixed his eyes back on Jack in astonishment.

"How do you know?"

"I asked to meet up with her last night, and it was Sam who showed up."

"How did she respond when she found out?"

"I didn't tell her who I was."

"Jack, how could you not tell her?"

"Daniel, she completely hates me. How do you think she's going to react when finds out her online friend that she's confided in is the same person who's ruined her life?"

"Valid point. But still, she has the right to know. She's going to think she got stood up by someone she trusts."

"That might not be a bad thing. She's better off without either one of us."

"That's not the point. She's still going to get hurt either way. Don't you think she'd want to know the truth?"

"I've already done enough. I'll phase myself out, and she can move on as minimally unscathed as possible."

"Is that what you really want?" asked Daniel earnestly this time invoking self reflection. Damn Daniel and his thoughtful prodding.

"It doesn't matter what I want. It's the way it has to be."

"That's got to be hard for you."

"What does?"

"Well, I mean, I know how you felt about...online Sam. But you were also getting kind of close with real Sam. Who knows what could've happened."

Jack paused. His hand pushing the floating rings around stilled. "What did you just say?"

"Um, who knows what could've happened?"

"No before that."

"I said you were getting kind of close with real Sam," he repeated as Jack sprang out of his seat and dashed out of the commissary. "Oh c'mon Jack don't get all moody about it!"

Sam was packing up her things in her lab. The lab. It wasn't hers anymore. A few glasses of wine were the only reason she was able to sleep the few hours that she did. She was horrified at what she had said to Jack. Although she knew it had hurt him, his demeanor as he left confirmed just how much her words had wounded him.

"So..." Janet prompted as she excitedly entered the lab with anticipation which quickly changed to concern when she saw her friend's posture.

"He didn't come."

"He stood you up?!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well did he message or say anything?"

"No, I sent him one last night though. Pathetic I know."

"Oh, Sam. I'm so sorry. No wonder you're in a deflated mood."

"Something must've come up. This doesn't seem like something he would do."

"Exactly. I'm sure there's a reason. Why else would he initiate a meeting and then not show up?"

"Thanks, Janet."

"How long were you waiting there all by yourself?"

"Not long. Jack showed up."

"He did?"

"Yeah, I don't want to talk about it."

"You know it's a shame. You two were actually getting close before all this."

Sam froze and her head shot up to look at Janet. "What did you say?"

"Don't get me wrong Sam—"

"No, what you said about me and Jack. You thought we were getting close?."

"Well I mean you weren't completely overt about it but yeah, anyone could see it."

Sam's eyes grew wide as she remembered Maybourne's comment about how he had heard that Jack and her had gotten close. She jumped up and rushed out of her lab leaving Janet behind with a confused and worried look.

Jack's mind was on a mission as he barged in through the opened door to Hammond's office without even looking through the window.

"General, we have a problem." He stopped when he saw there was another man in dress blues with three stars on the shoulders and his service cap tucked under his arm standing across the desk from Hammond. "Uh, sorry, sir. I didn't realize you weren't alone."

"Colonel O'Neill. Have you met General Jacob Carter?"

"General Carter? The General Carter? As in Deputy Chief of Staff General Carter?"

"Guilty."

After saying his name three times, an unsettling realization started to dawn on Jack. "And Carter. As in..."

"Dad!" exclaimed Sam shocked as she also barged into Hammond's office.

"Hey kiddo," Jacob replied as he held open his arms to receive Sam into his embrace.

"Your dad is General Carter, Deputy Chief of Staff?" asked Jack for confirmation as he still tried to process what was going on.

"One in the same."

Of course he is. "Sir, it's a pleasure to meet you," Jack said as he offered out his hand and put on the smile saved exclusively for meeting the brass, although he had a feeling it wouldn't quite work as well in this situation. "I've heard nothing about you."

"Oh I've heard plenty about you, Colonel," replied Jacob taking the offered hand with a firmer than usual grip.

"Good things?" asked Jack knowing the answer, but still sounding hopeful.

"Mostly. Besides the fact that you almost got my daughter killed," Jacob responded causing Jack to physically wince.

"Dad, not now," muttered Sam under her breath.

"You said we had a problem?" asked Hammond bringing them back to the subject.

"There's another mole in the SGC," Jack and Sam both blurted out in unison causing them to look at each other with mild surprise on their faces.

"We know," Jacob responded.

"You do?" they both asked simultaneously again leading to the same exchange of looks.

"That's why I'm here to get caught up and meet with Major Davis before we take our next steps."

"That doesn't quite seem like the type of thing they would send a Deputy Chief of Staff to do."

"I have a personal stake in this one."

"Personal stake?" questioned Sam suspiciously.

"Jake, you might as well tell her. She has to find out eventually."

Jacob paused and pursed his lips in contemplation. He sighed before he nodded and spoke. "Earlier this week, we received a tip that the rogue NID has still taken an interest in Sam. Then late last night, we intercepted a message with an order for her to be brought in by any means necessary. It referenced utilizing people who were already in place."

"What do they want with me?"

"We're not sure. You must know or have something they want."

"I've already handed over everything related to the operation."

"Well, in that case, our best shot is to find out who the mole is here. Sam, after I'm done, I want you to come back with me to Washington tonight."

"Tonight?!"

"Yes, I think it'll be safer there."

"Dad, I'm not just going to go into hiding."

"Well how else are we going to keep you safe?"

"Send her off world," Jack interjected as he processed the most recent news that Sam's life may be in danger again.

"Excuse me?"

"Reassign her back to the Soltaran project," he replied as he mentally rejoined the conversation. "You can do that, can't you sir? It was you after all who had her reassigned back to the Pentagon in the first place, was it not?"

His accusation caused the other three heads to turns towards him. Jacob studied the younger man's face. He twitched his jaw when it didn't give anything away.

"I won't dignify that question from you with a response."

"Well how about from me?" asked Sam. Jacob's eyes moved to meet hers before quickly dropping to the floor giving away his answer. "I can not believe you would do that."

"It was for your safety, Samantha. It was only going to be temporary."

"But you did this behind my back without talking to me first?" she asked indignantly while still staring him down. "Because you knew I wouldn't agree."

"With all due respect, sir, sending her to the Gamma Site makes the most sense," said Jack interrupting the father and daughter dispute. "Besides being the most qualified person anyways, Sam was already supposed to be on the project. It's an extended assignment that will give us at least a few months, and I'll personally be there to watch over her."

"Is that supposed to comfort me, Colonel? Because frankly, I'm not too keen on the idea of you being in charge of my daughter's safety."

"Jacob, I assure you there's no one better equipped to handle off world situations than Colonel O'Neill."

"General, your daughter is as tough as they come, but until we can figure out exactly what it is they want, I believe there is no safe place on this planet."

"Excuse me, I am still standing right here!" exclaimed Sam as the three men had slowly started to make an enclosed circle that did not include her. "And I don't appreciate you—all of you—talking about me like I'm some pirate treasure that needs to be hidden."

Once she got their attention, she continued. "But with that being said, Colonel O'Neill is right. There's limited personnel authorized on this project. We'd be able to control all of the factors this way. I'll be fine."

"Ok you two. We'll do it your way."

"I'll start the paperwork."

Sam gave Jack a soft smile. He replied with an accepting nod as he rocked back on his heels before excusing himself.

Jack found himself back in his quarters that evening. Major Davis was finishing up questioning everyone going to the Gamma Site and Soltaris and if everything checked out they would be on their way by midday tomorrow. He didn't have to stay on base that night, but he felt unnerved that there was still a traitor among them. It also made him feel better knowing that Sam would only be a couple doors down.

That morning, he had every intention to phase himself completely out of Sam's life, but that was before when he was effectively removed from her life already with no chance of repairing their relationship. But now he had a window of opportunity. He still didn't deserve to love her, but he also cherished what they had as much as she did. At this point, having any part of Sam in his life was better than none.

He'd tell her everything eventually. At best, maybe he could salvage a friendship. If not, at least he could lessen the blow if he could somewhat repair their relationship to a cordial level. It was a long shot, but he had to find out.

"Sam, I wish I could tell you what happened last night."
"I feel awful that you found yourself in a situation that caused you pain."
"All I can say is that none of this is your fault."
"You expected to see someone you trusted but instead met someone who's brought you nothing but grief.
""We all let our emotions get the best of us sometimes. I'm sure whatever you said was provoked."
"One day I'll explain everything. Until then, I'm still here."

He thought carefully about his next move.

"Also, my name is Jonathan, but you can call me Jon."

Not a lie. He thought as he hit send then got up to leave with a big smile on his face. With the new personnel additions headed to the Gamma Site, he had some last minute packing to do.

Sam drove down the dark highway thinking about the events of the day. She definitely hadn't planned to be going off world tomorrow so she had to grab a few things from her apartment. Her dad had insisted that he accompany her. She knew it was no use arguing so there he sat quietly in the passenger seat staring out the window.

"I'm surprised you're here," she broke the silence.

"Where else would I be?"

"Well given what today is, normally you'd be nursing a bottle of whiskey watching Singing in the Rain."

"She would've rather me be here to make sure you're safe."

She glanced over at him seeing the sadness in his eyes. Her voice suddenly failing her, she could only nod in agreement. Another few moments of silence washed over them as their thoughts shifted.

"I keep thinking that it'll get easier each year, but it doesn't. It still hurts the same as the day she died."

"I'm afraid it never gets easier," replied Jacob.

Tears quickly started to form in Sam's eyes and she wasn't sure how long she could hold them back. Luckily they arrived at her apartment complex. She pulled into a parking spot in the garage and turned off the ignition.

"How...how do you—" she stammered. Jacob took her hand to steady it and looked at his daughter with a soft, understanding smile.

"For the time she was alive, your mother gave my life meaning, but she also gave me you and your brother. You two are her legacy and that legacy continues to give my life meaning. You give my life meaning Sam." He squeezed her hand to give her further confirmation of that fact. "If I had the choice to do it all over again, even knowing our fate, I wouldn't think twice. There's so much beauty that comes from love that not even death can take away; and those are the things that make loving someone worth it. I'd take a lifetime of heartache knowing that I loved someone and was loved in return over one of regret."

She finally braved looking up into her father's eyes and saw a man not completely whole, but also not as shattered as he once was. They had reconciled long ago and although they still had their issues every now and then, she knew he was doing the best he could to make up the time they lost.

"I love you, dad."

"I love you too, kiddo."

Back in her quarters on the base, Sam sat in bed unable to sleep. Her dad had just left to go to the guest quarters after they had watched her mom's favorite movie with popcorn and diet soda in place of whiskey. This was the first time in awhile that they spent this day together. They all had their different ways to cope.

Mark always withdrew and locked himself in his room the whole day. As they got older, Sam used to reach out every year, but he never picked up. Eventually she just stopped calling. Up until her senior year of high school, her dad would turn to a bottle (or two) of whiskey for comfort. A few years ago, she found out he started partaking in a few of his late wife's favorite things throughout the day, almost as if he were trying to immerse himself in her memory. Those two bottles slowly dwindle down to a reasonable amount, no longer used as a way to forget but instead as a way to make the pain tolerable as he tried to remember.

Her father and brother's coping mechanisms meant that Sam was usually left alone to struggle with her own feelings surrounding her mother's death. She had tried a few things like enjoying the solitude in nature or taking a long ride on her motorcycle. However, Sam found the most solace doing what she remembered most about her mom: baking.

She was an excellent baker and Sam was always her little helper. Cookies. Brownies. Cupcakes. You name it, she made it; but she was best known for her cakes. Sam was sure she would never be as good of baker as her mother but she tried every year to replicate different recipes. However tonight she was reminded that being in the company of someone who knew the same pain—who could share the burden of grief—made it easier, even for the strongest of wills.

She had been chatting sporadically with Jon throughout the movie since she was going to be gone for awhile. At one point, her dad asked her who she was texting that made her smile like that. She played it off but knew he wasn't convinced by the way she blushed.

"Hey is everything ok? You seem a little distracted tonight."

"Yeah sorry, I was watching a movie and got lost in thought."

"Ooo what movie?"

"Singing in the Rain."

"I've never seen it. Is there singing and rain?"

"Dancing too! It was my mom's favorite movie."

"Was?"

"She died 20 years ago today."

"I'm really sorry to hear that Sam. It must've been hard to grow up without her."

"Yeah it was. She was the anchor of our family."
"She was strong and smart but she was also the most loving person you'd ever meet."

"She sounds like an amazing woman."
"What's one of your fondest memories about her?"

"We had this porch swing set that hung from a willow tree in the backyard of my childhood house."
"Apparently my dad built her one just like it in their first house soon after they got married."
"My dad's in the military and so he was away a lot. My mom used to sit there when she missed him."
"She said that looking up and knowing they were under the same sky made her feel closer to him somehow."
"It was also deemed neutral ground whenever they had an argument."
"No matter how big the fight was, they never let my dad leave without going to the swing first."
"You know. Just in case."

"Your parents sound like they had a lot figured out about love."

"I have this one image of her waiting on a summer day during one of his longest deployments."
"She was missing him so much and I was trying to think of a way to cheer her up."
"When suddenly I see my dad coming around the front of the house. His bag still over his shoulder."
"We hadn't expected him back for weeks. I'll never forget the joy on her face when she saw him and he took her in his arms."

Jack couldn't help but grin from ear to ear as he pictured her sitting in her quarters smiling at the memory. He loved that she was talkative tonight because for the first time he could hear her voice talking to him.

"I could only hope to be lucky enough to be as happy as they were one day."

And maybe one day she would. It might not be with Jon, but that was ok. She felt that a part of her would always hold onto hope that maybe this relationship could still be something more, but for now, this was enough.