What Rosier had jokingly said about confessing her sins to a priest had struck a nerve of sorts.
Had she sinned past redemption?
It had been long since she had gone to church. Since she discovered she was a witch she hadn't set foot in a church.
It just so happened that a perfect opportunity to explore that was happening a few days after the talk in the library.
The first Hogsmeade day of the semester Hermione slipped out and apparated to the church she frequented when growing up. The streets seemed more bare than before. Less cars, less people and the buildings were older with more space between them.
In her time the shops had been turned into town houses similar to ones older and further down the street. Now the street had a large parking lot next to the church and the shops. The other side of the road had a large empty lot with a "for sale" sign. She remembered her dad had once told her it was supposed to be turned into a graveyard but the church ran out of money in the 70s. She guessed that was around this time.
The large trees in the graveyard behind the church were still imposing and old, but about 10 years younger than when she was last here.
The fall wind blew down the street, ruffling her long robe and stirring up the leaves on the ground. The trees started to rustle and release some more leaves. Dead leaves floating down to cover the graves of long since dead.
She shivered, more from the haunting feeling of a graveyard than the cold. The church had never looked larger. It seemed to grow larger the more she stood in front of it.
Gathering what little Gryffindor courage she had, she steadfastly put one foot in front of the other until she was at the door.
What if witches truly could not enter a church?
It wasn't like she had stepped foot in one since getting a wand. Logic dictates that a wand or knowledge of being a witch shouldn't matter. If truly churches were not for wizards and witches, she shouldn't have been able to enter as a child, or at least since her first accidental magic.
She hesitated again, slowly bringing one hand up to open the door. The wood creaked when the wind blew stronger again, startling her.
Here goes nothing she thought and pushed it open and stepped inside.
Nothing happened. No fire, no summons to hell. Nothing.
She breathed out slowly, relieved she was wrong and walked down the rows to get to the confession booth.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," she spoke in a low grave tone after sitting down on the uncomfortable bench.
"What troubles you, my child?" He asked.
"I…" How could she explain it? She was too young to have been in any war herself. No one would believe a young girl like herself had been in a war that ended 2 years before.
"My dad, he was in the war. And he has never been the same. He still feels guilty about the man he murdered." She said after a pause. Lying in a confession booth seemed like another sin, but she needed answers and it seemed like a lesser sin.
"He is all I have left, but I see how it burdens him and I can't help him." A single tear ran down her cheek. It wasn't because she let herself believe her lie, it was that she finally let herself admit her struggles.
"Sometimes he gets lost in the memories. And I know he feels guilty about those left behind, and the lives he wanted to save but couldn't." Suddenly she felt the words pouring out of her, the things she had never put into words or properly examined now confessed to a stranger. Even if she hid it behind a lie. "He has trouble sleeping. He's jumpy and has trouble speaking with people. He barely goes out and buries himself in books. He rarely eats, and sometimes he stops in the middle of a meal and pushes it away."
"I know I-'' she stopped herself when she heard the slip and rephrased it "-he should eat more but he can't seem to. Sometimes the food doesn't stay down for long before it comes back up again."
"The war changed him. I don't know if he can ever come back from it. I know some things can't be forgotten, but father-" she gulped, the tears forming in her eyes after the emotions started pouring out of her threatening to spill.
"Father, do you think he can be forgiven?"
"My child, the sins of the father shall not be inherited if he repents. But you cannot repent for him."
"He doesn't think he can be forgiven. I want to know if he can. Is murder unforgivable?"
"Is it truly Repenting if one knows forgiveness is easy?"
Hermione shifted on the bench. That wasn't what she wanted to achieve. She wanted to know if there was a path to forgiveness she could take.
"Forgiveness is never easy, I know that Father. But if there is no chance of forgiveness, like my father believes, how can one repent?"
"One repents by being truly sorry for their misdeeds and Repenting. Then a priest can give absolution and if you do not sin anymore to the end of your days but stay a godly man, a true and good man, you may enter purgatory and be purified so that you can face God in heaven."
Hermione was shocked to hear this, but she also struggled with how she could then absolve her sins.
"In the end, only God can judge us my dear child. All we can do is repent our sins and hope our good deeds outweigh the sins."
Her mind was whirring. Did her act of staying away from everyone, from shutting herself off count as repentance? It was hard for her to stay the course and let history happen without her, but was it the right choice?
"When is inaction a better deed than action?" She mused.
"When it saves lives or helps those in need," the priest answered and startled her. She didn't realize she had spoken the last part out loud.
"Now ten hail Mary's and on your way my child."
Hermione left the church more troubled than she entered. Though she had never been religious, she had seen her parents appreciate the church and being religious. Even though they loved science, they still prayed and went to church almost every week.
If the priest was right, did her inaction cause her to be more of a sinner? Was she more evil than the people doing the deed since she knew that it was going to happen and she could prevent it?
No, the Death Eaters were far more evil. But she couldn't help but feel complicit after what the priest said.
She had so many dates written down. How and when everyone died. She could easily prevent so many deaths. Some mattered more to her than others, like Lily and James being able to live to see Harry grow up. Frank and Alice never being driven mad. All the aurors, the muggles and the other innocents that died. She could feel the weight of all of them pressing her down with guilt.
She fell to her knees outside, in front of a grave that seemed more weathered than the ones surrounding it. Crying in front of this old grave she felt this crushing weight and knew there was no one to help her carry it. Now she imagined she knew how Harry felt. The burden of being the only one able to fix the world, being too young to ever bear that weight. She hoped that Ron and her had helped Harry carry that weight a little.
With how lonely she was now, knowing she could never share her own problems. But she knew that in the past she had helped Harry and it was the only comfort she could find in that moment.
Authors Note:
And then there were 2 more chapters before New Years left (minimum). I've been working hard on this story since I picked it up again, and now we are up to 68 chapters in total! I've rearranged some stuff that was notes to now be summaries of chapters, and I move stuff around constantly, but the story is becoming more and more a fleshed out thing. Again, I'm not promising more than what I can actually finish , which is why I'm only promising 2 more. I do hope that I can write even more than that and get it out to you, but judging from experience that has not been the case always.
I'm very sorry if I'm misrepresenting being catholic here since I don't know anything about it myself. And I'd like to say, this is the opinion of one priest in this story, not my opinion or the opinion every priest in this universe. That's part of what this story is about, having everyone around you support your worldview and then experiencing something that makes you question it. Hermione is a very moral character, and killing someone (Dolohov) has made her question her entire moral compass. So now she is looking within her own "world" to find someone that can tell her what she did wasn't a moral failing. She is having a really hard time facing this in any way.
Since we were all about Hermione this chapter, its all about Evan next chapter!
Thank you so much to my very awesome reviewers:
Sandy2348 and Erulastiel-Ithilwen
Your comments made my day :D