On Saturday, Shiro and Matt went outside. The weather was nice for early April, and there was sun in the forecast for the entire day. They'd soon have to buckle down and study for their upcoming exams, so they figured they should get out and spend a day on leisure while they could afford it.
Shiro picked Matt up from home shortly after noon, and the two picked up a pizza for lunch that they brought to a park a few miles down the road from campus. It was nice, tucked behind a thick row of trees that shielded it from the roar of cars on the road. The park itself wasn't massive, lined almost all the way around by bushes and trees. There was a playscape surrounded by sand and a few benches for parents to watch their children play. There was some open grass around the playscape on three sides, while a pavilion filled the last quarter. The wood had been stained with a glossy finish, but after years of weathering, the finish had dulled. A couple picnic tables filled the space, and two doors laid into the small brick building beside it led to restrooms, though Matt warned that the lights never worked in there, and they were often populated with spiders.
"My parents used to bring Pidge and I here all the time," Matt said as he plopped down on the top of one of the picnic tables. "I fell off the big slide on the playscape when I was little, but I had to try to hide that I got hurt because my parents wouldn't let us go down the big slide back then since it was too dangerous. I ended up trying to make myself fall off the smaller side, but tripped instead and went face-first into the sand. Did that hurt even more? Yes. But did my parents ever find out I tried to go down the big slide when I wasn't supposed to? No."
"Was it worth the broken arm?" Shiro asked, setting down the box of pizza next to Matt before taking a seat on the bench.
Matt flipped open the box, pulled out a slice of pizza, made direct eye contact with Shiro and said, "Yes," in the most serious tone he could muster before shoving the pizza slice in his mouth.
Shiro rolled his eyes in mock annoyance and grabbed a slice of pizza for himself.
The pair managed a conversation occasionally halted by mouthfuls of pizza and the occasional observation of a child staring at their food. As typical for a Saturday, a few families had decided to spend their day at the pretty, out of the way park Shiro and Matt had chosen. It wasn't too busy, but the handful of kids running around on the playscape didn't fail to notice the smell of pizza in the air.
"Do you think if we pretend we don't notice them, they'll stop staring?" Matt asked, pointedly looking in anywhere but the direction of the playscape. Shiro shook his head.
"No way. There's no distracting a kid from pizza. One time when I was younger, I bought a single slice from a convenience store after school. I ate it before I went home and threw away the trash so Keith wouldn't see it and be upset I got pizza without him. He smelled it on my breath and we had to order pizza for dinner that night so he'd stop sulking," Shiro explained.
Matt deadpanned. "No fucking way."
"That's what I said!"
The two finished the last few slices, then Matt hopped off the table to throw the box in the nearest trash can. He came back with his phone in hand, squinting at the screen.
"Pokemon Go?" Shiro asked, recognizing the expression on Matt's face. Matt nodded.
"There's a gym here, but someone from Mystic is holding it down with the thickest Snorlax my maiden eyes have ever seen."
"Can you beat it."
"Can I? Yes. Is it worth the potions I'm gonna burn through to heal my party after? Absolutely not," he stated before furiously tapping the screen.
Shiro huffed out a breathy laugh. "You're gonna try to take it anyway, aren't you."
"That is my Ninja way. Also Spark is hot and I want him to tell me I did a good job afterward."
With a quick glance around to make sure no one else was within earshot, Shiro leaned closer to Matt with a smirk. "Hey, don't talk about your kinks while children are present."
Matt momentarily froze, then swore and began tapping his screen again. "Shiro I swear to god and also Jesus I'm going to actually kill you as soon as I evict this fucking Snorlax."
Shiro threw his head back with a loud chuckle as Matt's brows furrowed before his friend gave him a short, scathing look. However, the slight upturn of his lips betrayed his false anger.
After a great number of low growls and excessive tapping, Matt flopped back on the table. "Let's GO!" he shouted, punching the air in celebration. "Suck my entire ass Mystic!"
One of the parents standing by the playscape shot the pair a disapproving look, which Shiro replied to with an apologetic wave. "Might want to keep it down, Matt. The humans are worried you'll pollute the minds of their toddlers with the ass word," he warned.
"If I had money I would bet you every single one of those parents has said worse than 'ass' in front of their kids before."
"That doesn't mean they won't curb stomp you for it."
Despite his response, Matt kept his voice down and the swearing to a minimum as he and Shiro wandered around the park, Matt's eyes glued to his phone in search of pokemon to catch. It was starting to cloud up a bit, which was unexpected, but the two didn't mind. In fact, that was a good thing, because the parents around the playscape began to pack up their things and drag their reluctant children to their cars as the temperature dropped a few degrees.
Without any bystanders to send him accusatory looks and Matt thoroughly distracted, Shiro allowed a fond smile to slip onto his face as his gaze studied his friend. It was cute, the way Matt's brow furrowed slightly as he launched pokeballs at pokemon, and his eyes lit up when he caught ones that had been particularly difficult to capture.
There were many things Shiro had come to admire about Matt since they first met at the beginning of the first semester. He liked the way Matt bounced on the balls of his feet when he was excited and became so much more animated when talking about the things that interested him. He was so, so incredibly smart in some ways, like how he could rebuild a computer stripped down to its smallest pieces and do math problems Shiro couldn't even read with ease, but also so stupid it was laughable. Shiro had never met someone who could replace a phone screen blindfolded, then turn around and walk into a door frame, not until he met Matt. Matt was silly, but he could be serious when necessary. He didn't take other people's struggles lightly. He never pushed too far. He listened. He opened up. He reminded Shiro that, despite the many bad things that happened in the world every day, there were good things, too. Disasters happened, but heroic bystanders would rise to occasion and pull survivors from the wreckage. Loved ones were lost, but new relationships bloomed. Some days never seemed to go right at all, but there were still smiles to be given and doors held open by helpful hands. It wasn't all good, but it wasn't all bad. Shiro's life hadn't been great, especially in the previous few years, but Matt had pulled him out of the darkness he'd withdrawn into, back into the light. It was cheesy to think, but if he was being honest, Matt was the sun.
Shiro knew better than to think falling in love would fix all his problems. Love wasn't a cure-all. Love wouldn't rid him of nightmares or cure his PTSD. Love wouldn't make him happy every second of every day for the rest of his life. Perhaps something it would, but not always. Love brought the brightest lights, but also the darkest shadows. Love had made Adam's death hurt so much Shiro didn't know how to bear it. Love had ripped his heart to shreds again and again as the people he cared about were torn from the world. Love had driven him to give up on his aspirations to do what he could to give his younger brother a better life. Love had healed, and it had also hurt. It would heal him more in the future, but it would also bring him more suffering.
There was no such thing as a perfect world, or perfect person. Life never went exactly the way one wanted it to. There was too much uncertainty. Too much to worry about. But then again, that only made the good things sweeter. The 'good' would not feel good without the 'bad' there as a reminder of what could have been. No one needed nothing but good. Nothing but light. Without the darkness, the 'good' would become normal, and eventually, it would be impossible to feel at all. As he watched Matt gasp, then clench his jaw and carefully plan the best way to catch the shiny Vulpix that had shown up on his screen, Shiro knew he wanted to feel. He could handle some hurt if it meant moments like this would cause his chest to burst with warmth until the day he died.
-000-
When rain began to fall from the ever-darkening sky, Matt and Shiro ducked back into the pavilion. They sat on the benches closest to the middle of the pavilion to avoid the rain that the growing winds pushed beyond the threshold.
Shiro slipped his phone out of his pocket, turned on his mobile data, then opened the weather app. Rain clouds stared back at him, as well as the promise of steady rain for the rest of the day. He frowned, then stole a look at Matt. His friend was staring at his phone with pokemon go still open, but he made no move to catch any of the pokemon. All he did was stare. Shiro's frown deepened slightly as he looked away. "New forecast says rain the rest of the day. We can try to wait it out and see if there's a break long enough to get back to my car, or we could just make a run for it."
Matt didn't respond, his gaze still trained on his screen even though it had timed out and gone black. Shiro nudged him gently.
"Matt? You okay?"
Matt blinked a few times before looking up and nodding, though he didn't look at Shiro. His gaze was trained on the rain outside. His eyebrows were furrowed and Shiro could see his jaw tense under his skin.
For nearly a minute, there was silence, Shiro waiting for Matt to speak the words he could practically see trying to crawl out of his throat.
"Do you think you'll date again in the future?" Matt asked, his voice lower than usual. "Or is it still too hard to move on after Adam?"
Shiro had to swallow down a surprised noise and school his expression as Matt's words processed in his head. A small part of him tingled in hope, and while he didn't squander it this time, he didn't let it take hold of him, either. "Uh, I… I guess, I, uh, would," replied, then with more confidence, "I would." He ran a hand through his hair. "I mean, I still love Adam, and I think I always will, but not… It isn't something that keeps me from moving on. I love who he was and I miss him, but I also know he isn't the only person I'll ever love like that, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life refusing to be happy just because he's gone." Shiro sighed. "I guess, it's like, Adam showed me what it means to love someone, and I was happy. I want to love someone again, and be happy with them. I won't forget him, but I won't let myself give up because of him, either."
Matt nodded slowly.
Shiro hummed to disguise the slow, deep breath he took to calm his racing heart. "Actually, I've been thinking about it recently. Uh, dating, I mean."
Matt stiffened. He was tense for a moment, then bit by bit, his body relaxed. He still didn't look at Shiro. "Really? Did someone catch your eye?" he asked hesitantly.
Shiro felt his cheeks grow warm. "Among other things, yeah."
"Is it…someone from school?"
"Mhm."
"Do… Do I know them?"
Shiro found himself staring ahead as well, no longer able to look at Matt and keep his voice steady at the same time. "I think you know him very well, actually.
There was a pause for a moment, and if Shiro wasn't looking dead ahead, he might've caught the way Matt's lips twitched upward in the ghost of a smile as he pondered what guys at their school both of them knew well enough for Shiro's words to be true, and for Shiro to have developed feelings for them, without thinking of anyone. Shiro missed the way Matt's lips pressed tightly together to suppress a hopeful smile.
When Matt didn't ask another question, Shiro stood and crossed his arms over his chest, taking a silent, deep breath. "He's super smart and really cute, especially when he puts his hair up in a ponytail, not that he'd believe me. He makes me happy, too. Happier than I've been in a long time."
As he slowly turned in a wide circle so he was standing in front of him, Shiro finally willed himself to look at Matt. He couldn't suppress the smile that stretched across his face when he saw Matt's flushed cheeks. "Am I, uh, am I being obvious enough yet?"
The smile Matt barely kept in check told Shiro all he needed to know, and even if it hadn't, Matt's tone when he finally spoke would have been a dead giveaway.
"I, uh, I think I have an idea, but some clarification might help," Matt said quietly, his voice almost teasing.
With newfound confidence, Shiro complied. "Well, this guy has been playing pokemon go all day, and I thought he was gonna cry when he caught a shiny Vulpix. I'm glad he caught something good, though, considering he wasted a ton of potions to kick the thickest Snorlax ever out of a gym so he could take it over for his hot team captain who I am definitely not jealous of at all. Even though, y'know, the guy I like admitted to having a crush on him when I'm kind of hoping he likes me."
Matt's inhibitions gave way, and Shiro barely had time to uncross his arms before Matt had launched himself up from the bench and all but wrapped himself around Shiro. Shiro fought the urge to release a heavy sigh of relief when Matt buried his face in his shoulder and muttered, "I don't like him as much as I like you," into his jacket just loud enough for Shiro to hear over the pouring rain.
Shiro laughed, earning a growl from Matt as he turned his head to tuck his face into Shiro's neck. "You should have said something months ago so I could've saved myself all the awkward pining and accidental flirting."
"Hey, it was cute," Shiro argued, causing Matt to groan loudly. "Besides, you weren't the only one," he assured, allowing one of his hands to rub small circles on Matt's back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.
The pair stayed as they were, enjoying their proximity and letting their new reality set in. They'd both taken the leap. Both admitted what they felt. Both wrenched their truths out of tight throats and worried smiles, and their courage had been rewarded. They were in each other's arms, holding tight, allowed to love each other and express it without fear of revolt or rejection. Shiro no longer had to worry about chasing away his closest friend. Matt no longer had to worry that Quinn had been right all those years ago when he'd cursed Matt for sexuality and told him no one would ever want him. Their greatest fears and insecurities had been assuaged, at least enough to make them less intimidating. It was more than enough at that moment. What they finally had was more than they could ever ask for.
Eventually Matt's grip loosened, and Shiro reluctantly allowed him to pull away, but Matt didn't go far. He only leaned back enough that he could face Shiro and rest their foreheads together. Shiro was only an inch or two taller than Matt, no longer towering over him the way he had when they first met. He only had to tilt his head down a little for his forehead to gently bump and settle against Matt's.
"I hope you're ready for an insufferable number of bad jokes, because it'll only get worse after this," Matt warned light-heartedly, finally making eye contact with Shiro. It was a bit overwhelming when they were so close together, but he didn't want to look anywhere else.
Shiro returned Matt's gaze with a soft smile. "I think I'll manage." The upturn of Matt's lips warmed his heart, but his stomach sank when Matt noticed Shiro's attention had shifted to his mouth and pulled his head away. Matt was still within reach, and he didn't try to push Shiro's hands off his sides, but he wouldn't look at him either. Shiro couldn't help but worry that he'd already done something wrong. "Are…you okay?" he asked, his voice so small it was barely audible.
Matt nodded and smiled, but it was tense, and he still wouldn't meet Shiro's eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just…" he trailed off. "I've been hoping for this for so long and I didn't even realize until now that I'm not…" Matt winced as if his own words had hurt him. The sight made Shiro's heart clench, though as much as he wanted to coax the words out of Matt and understand what was wrong, he decided to instead remain silent and wait for Matt to feel ready to explain.
Unfortunately, as the silence between them stretched on and the raging downpour beyond the pavilion filled their ears, Matt's expression only grew more distressed. He bit his lip as he struggled to find the words for what was swirling around in his head.
Finally, Matt inhaled and exhaled a shaky breath. "I've never…done this before, and I'm… I don't want to…disappoint you…" he admitted.
Shiro blinked, then hesitantly began to stroke Matt's sides with his thumbs. He let out a silent breath of relief when he felt Matt relax beneath his hands. "It's okay, Matt. You could never disappoint me, not with something like this. It's new for you, and I understand. Nothing has to change if you're not ready for it." That was true. As much as Shiro wanted to sweep Matt off his feet and tell him he loved him every day, he wouldn't do it. Not if it would make Matt uncomfortable. He'd already waited months to express his feelings. He would wait until Matt was ready to show him how much he meant it, too.
Matt shook his head, still staring at the ground. "No! No, I mean…" His jaw clenched and his brow furrowed, Shiro could almost see the gears turning in his head as Matt searched for the words he wanted to say. "If I didn't feel like I was ready to, y'know, go out with someone, I wouldn't have said anything. I wouldn't tell you I like you then turn around and say I don't want anything from you and just wanted to tell you, or something. I… I want to date you, Shiro."
Shiro nodded slowly. "I want to date you too, Matt."
The frustration on Matt's face melted, morphing into apprehension. "Even if I'm bad at…all of that?"
"You're better at a lot of things than you think, but yes, even if you end up not being a genius in the field of having a boyfriend, I still want to date you," Shiro assured. When Matt finally raised his head and looked at him again, Shiro lifted a hand to gently cup Matt's cheek, his thumb tracing the scar beneath it. "Besides, we're young. We both have plenty of time to learn."
"Says the guy who seems to know everything," Matt retorted.
"False. If you ask me how to do a question on your math homework, I'd probably just cry."
"Well, you can get revenge by locking me in a plane with you and doing barrel rolls until I throw up."
They were smiling now, Matt's anxiety eased and Shiro's worry calmed.
With slight hesitation, Matt shifted until one of his hands was on Shiro's waist, and the other on the back of his neck. Shiro let Matt draw him closer until their foreheads touched again, Shiro's arm slipping around Matt's waist.
"So, um, do you think we start that learning you talked about earlier?" Matt asked. "There's something I've been wanting to try for a while, and I was hoping my boyfriend could teach me."
Shiro hummed and inched their faces closer until their noses brushed. This time, when he glanced down at Matt's lips, the other didn't pull away. Shiro felt a slight tremble in the hand on the back of his neck that betrayed Matt's nerves. "I think he'd love to, as long as you're comfortable with it." He made a point not to push any further, gently bumping their noses again instead of moving closer.
Matt seemed to go still for a moment, and Shiro almost pulled away out of worry that his boyfriend was feeling overwhelmed when Matt's hand tightened around the back of his neck as the younger man closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Shiro's. It was short, but sweeter than Shiro could have ever imagined. He missed the warmth when Matt pulled back, though he didn't go far.
"Do I get a passing grade?" Matt joked, slightly breathless.
Shiro smiled. "I think so, but it might be easier to figure out with some extra data."
Matt's fingers were no longer trembling when he leaned in again, and this time, Shiro met him halfway. Their lips met, and after a moment, Shiro gently tilted Matt's head a little more to deepen the kiss. Shiro's arm tightened around Matt's waist, and Matt's hand was warm against the back of Shiro's neck.
When they finally separated, both were flushed and breathing heavily. They both glanced at the ground for a moment as they willed their cheeks to cool, but had no problem returning their attention to each other's gazes.
The two startled when a deafening rumble of thunder split the air. Lightning illuminated the sky not much later, followed by another loud crack seconds after.
Matt sighed as he and Shiro turned to look at the mess beyond the safety of the pavilion. "I guess we have to wait it out, unless you feel like getting barbequed by the electric embodiment of Zeus' temper tantrums."
Shiro nodded, tense. Even with Matt standing at his side, he could still keep one arm around him, and it was comforting. While he was healing, thunder still unnerved him. He was glad to have someone else around to ground him. His grip on Matt must've tightened when the next rumble of thunder sounded, because he felt a hand begin to rub soothing circles into his back. Suddenly, the thought of watching the storm roll through while waiting for it to pass didn't feel as intimidating anymore.
"I don't mind," Shiro said, smiling when he caught Matt glancing at him. It was difficult to tell what awaited them, but the future wasn't as scary when there was someone there to walk toward it with him. "We have time."
A/N: I FINALLY HAD THEM DO THE THING AFTER FIVE FUCKING YEARS OF SLOWBURNING THE SHIT OUT OF THIS STORY MY SOUL IS DECEASED. Anyway I have exams in less than a week so I'll be studying but I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and please stick around for the epilogue, which will be posted by December 31st, 2022!