Chapter 4: Anguish

A/N: Sorry for the long hiatus...you can blame my evil internship, which is now over, as are my days of programming...I'm studying foreign languages instead! I'll write more often, I promise!

For two months, Fantine lived in a state of fragile equilibrium. She cared for the Tholomyes children along with Cosette, who was slowly shedding her protective shell to reveal a sweet and playful child. Yet in the back--and sometimes the front--of her mind was the knowledge that she could lose it all in an instant. It didn't matter that no one in the house had had any contact with Felix in all that time; there were a million ways that they could find out about her involvement with the renegade brother.

For the first few weeks, she awoke every day wondering if Jean Valjean would visit her that day. As time passed without any contact from him, she began to think she would never see him. Perhaps he had been caught and was sitting in jail...or perhaps he had gone on with his life and forgotten about her.

Then came the day when everything changed. Fantine's fragile balance was upset from two sides at once.

First was the news that the old renegade brother Felix was no longer a renegade. He had gone into business after squandering most of his inheritance, and the straight-laced merchant mentality had rubbed off on him. He had even become engaged to a young woman from a titled family.

Remy Tholomyes found out about this change from Felix's letter, in which he entreated: "My dear brother, I know I have not seen you for much time, but can we not make amends and celebrate this joyous occasion together?" At first Madame Tholomyes was adamant, but her husband managed to persuade her to invite Felix and his fiancee to dinner that Thursday.

Fantine was too busy working all day to think much about the news. In the stillness of night after the children were in bed, the weight of Felix's visit hit her. She imagined living on the streets with no job, and especially of Cosette going hungry, and a wave of panic hit her. Feeling dizzy, she stepped outside to breathe in the cool spring-night air. There, the second event happened. Sitting on a bench in the garden, almost hidden in the darkness, was Jean Valjean.

Fantine barely recognized him. The stately suit he'd worn as mayor was replaced with a dirty, torn-up shirt and trousers. Even his shoes had holes in them. His hair was matted and untrimmed; he looked like a homeless beggar. Only his face, with the eyes and smile that seemed to radiate kindness, was the same. She approached the bench tentatively, but had no chance to talk to him. The old convict's eyes flickered toward a passing policeman; he stood up nonchalantly and went on his way. As he passed her, she heard him mutter: "Field of the Lark. This Thursday, ten PM."

Thursday - that was the day when everything would change.

First came Felix's visit. In fact, Felix had no opportunity to see Fantine at all. She dressed Albert and Amelie in their finest clothes, but their mother led them out to meet their uncle. She did not ask Fantine or Cosette to come. When it was time to put the children to bed, Felix was in another room talking to his brother and did not see her walk by. She sang a lullaby to Albert and Amelie, then a more heartfelt one to Cosette, and finally stretched out on her bed with blissful relief. The children were in bed, and Felix would would not care about meeting some unimportant servant like her. She had survived the great ordeal; now at 10:00 she would have her reward.

Around 9:30 Fantine descended the back stairs, where she hoped no one would see her leaving. Two men stood near the bottom of the stairs, examining a painting on the wall. "Yes, I agree, that work of art was quite a find, Remy," one of them said. The voice sounded older and more refined, but Fantine recognized it immediately as Felix's voice. It was the voice she'd heard in her dreams for the past eight years. Felix turned around and squinted at Fantine's humble dress and grey hair. "Do I know you from somewhere?" he asked, partially to himself.

Fantine choked, "I'm sorry, I don't think so," and hurried out the door. She looked back and saw Felix scrunch his face in thought, then whisper something to his brother. Her heart sank: she knew he had recognized her. Tomorrow the inevitable dismissal would come that she'd been so close to escaping.

Today, at least, she could talk to her friend. The Field of the Lark was nothing but a wide, grassy plot of land dotted with old buildings. It looked deserted, even for that time of night. Fantine spotted Jean Valjean at the far end of the field. Again he was sitting on a bench; but this time, he wore the hat and coat of a modest gentleman; the beggar's clothes must have been yet another disguise. He smiled and motioned for her to sit down as she walked to ward the bench.

They sat awkwardly for several minutes, each waiting for the other to say something. Finally Fantine began: "So it's all true, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is, but it's not what you think. Would you like me to tell you why I was in jail?"

"If--if it's all right."

"It was for stealing food," he replied painfully. "I was about your age, living with my sister and her son. We had both lost our jobs, and the baby was dying. I was desperate, so...I broke into a bakery and stole a loaf of bread."

"That was all? Then why were the police after you in February?"

"After they put me in the galleys, I tried to escape three different times. They made my sentence longer each time, so I served nineteen years in all. When they let me out, the outside world wasn't much less of a prison. Working for almost nothing, hated and shunned by everyone...and then I met someone who changed my life."

"Who was she?"

Jean Valjean laughed. "No, it was not a woman; I've hardly known anything of them. It was a priest, a bishop in fact. He took me into his house without any questions and gave me food and shelter. And then I did something horrible. I tried to steal something from him, and he told the police he had given it to me. That was when I broke my parole and came to Montreuil-sur-mer, which is why the police are after me. I did it because, for the first time in nineteen years, I truly had the desire to live. That bishop was the first person since my sister to show me kindness, and his kindness gave me the will to go on." He looked at Fantine self-consciously. "I'm sorry I've been ranting. I suppose you can't understand--he trailed off.

"I understand perfectly," Fantine whispered. More loudly, she continued, "I want to tell you that none of this really matters to me. No matter what you did in the past, you still saved my life and took care of me. I'm relieved about what you said, but even if you were a murderer I'd still feel the same way about you."

"What do you mean?"

Fantine realized the awkward situation in which she had caught herself. "If you don't mind, I have one more question. Why have you done all this for me? I know you're always kind to everyone, but not like this."

Jean Valjean looked awkward, too. He said quickly, "What do you mean by 'all this'? I've already told you why I stopped Javert from arresting you and brought you to my house. It was because your sickness was my fault."

He hadn't answered her question at all, so she continued: "What about after that?"

"That was different. It was because..." He looked around nervously. "It's late, and we should probably go. Listen, I will tell you where I live. It's number 55, Rue Plumet. I trust you not to tell anyone where it is, but if you ever need anything, please come see me. Be sure to use the back entrance; it's more hidden."

Fantine tossed and turned in bed for hours that night, trying to dissect that night's events. Did Felix's look mean that he would tell his brother about their past affair? Was Jean Valjean's invitation simply an act of kindness, or could he share her affection? Her troubled sleep was interrupted by the 6:00 AM spectacle of Madame Tholomyes in her nightgown and cap. Fantine gulped, waiting.

"My husband told me he and my brother-in-law saw you last night," the lady began.

Fantine tried to act neutral. "What did he say?"

"He said that it was ten PM, and you were going out the door completely dressed. He went to bed after eleven and you still had not come in. Tell me, Fantine, what were you doing out that late alone?"

"I was going for a walk."

"For more than an hour? I find that hard to believe; I'm quite sure you were with some man."

"I'm sorry, but I wasn't. That's all I can say."

Madame Tholomyes scoffed. "I'll believe you this time, but I will be paying extra special attention to you from now on. No one in my household engages in immoral behavior, especially the one responsible for my children's upbringing. Is that understood?"

Fantine's subdued "Yes, madame" hid the sinking feeling in her heart. This close call plus Madame Tholomyes' extra vigilance meant that she would have no more night meetings with Jean Valjean. Her seven-day-a-week work schedule precluded any day visits, too. Rationally, it didn't matter: she had a steady job and a home with Cosette, everything she had dreamed of for years. Yet she couldn't bear to say goodbye to that other, long-repressed dream that had surfaced recently, the one about finding love. She had to find out if Jean Valjean loved her the way she loved him. That was why she resolved to find a night when everyone else was occupied, and go to Number 55 Rue Plumet.