Date posted: 17th June 2022

DOUBLE CHAPTER PER MONTH, BABY.

Chapter 16: Third Wheel

Email subject: GGO Report Draft 2 version 2

From: AdrianGervais-at-HonestGamingEditorial dot com

To: RidwanMason-at-HonestGamingStaff dot com

Ridwan,

The amount of shit that happens in this game is amazing. And the pictures are fantastic too. Keep up the good work!

Also, if you ever find that catgirl, ask her if she's single. Thanks, bud. You're the best. ;)

Adrian

Adrian,

No.

Ridwan

Attachment, ZIP file (552 mb):

"Sewer levels, eh?" In almost a century of game theory design, we return to the basics. Temple, city, tomb, military bases, at the end of the day, a dungeon was a series of rooms and corridors populated by goblins or its equivalent. "Not very original."

"A lot of them are just copy pasted around the world, yes, but most of the game is pretty neat with themwith new textures and all that. The under-city of Corinth is actually really well designed, at least that's what I've been told," said StonedScientist, my trusted guide for the duration of my stay.

He was triple checking the containers on an Iron Cog, MULE model. The robot looked not too dissimilar from the Legged Squad Support System (LS3) that DARPA spent 32 million USD on and abandoned sometime in 11' because it was too loud and slow. Currently, its successor, the Small Multipurpose Equipment Transport (SMET) which launched in 25' was being used to great effect. Turns out, a wheelbarrow with treads/big tires is a lot more practical than a walking robot.

There had to be some fifty kilos of ammo and medicine on the MULE, and another fifty kilos of Portable Organ Cloning (POC) vats. This was considered a light load as it could carry five hundred kilos if need be. This being a game meant that they didn't have to carry rations and cooking equipment either, though rumours on the net that the next expansion, whenever that was, would included hardcore survival mechanics.

Personally, I think what we should have done is take a page from the Indian military and use donkeys and spend that money on better thing, but I guess that's why I'm not with the DoD.

I voiced my concerns. "Wouldn't using treads be better?"

"Look, the MULE is one of the most reliable machines around. Besides, walking robots are cool."

"I suppose so."

"If you think this is crazy, you should see the cybersteeds some cowboy cosplayers use."

I knew of them but had not seen them. There were some screenshots on the net but as said, capture footage was near impossible to make work. Speaking of which …

I found myself kitted up in camo-appropriate fatigues. After receiving some intel from players within the city, General Khalid was sending a recon team to make contact somewhere south of the city, deep within enemy held territory. The Clearers had yet to breach that side of the field. Seems unwise to besiege a city from one direction, but I am reminded that these are players, not actual soldiers. They try their best, God bless them.

"Well, I'm sure sending a level 1 FNG would not lead to his horrible death," he said to me. "Don't worry, I rented one of those vats for you. You're paying it out of your own pocket though."

"That's fine," I said. Armed with better armour, and my borrowed 1911 and most importantly, a camera, I was as ready as I could ever be.

Lieutenant Khawla respawned at the nearest clone vat but half her Mubarizun had ragequit on the spot due to the pink slime incident. If I was in their combat boots, I can understand why. Khalid's threats of them not getting their monthly pay didn't seem to work which left the Lieutenant short on a few men.

Khalid offered double the monthly pay and Sergeant Yazidi volunteered his men on the spot. After a quick trip to Doc Ripper's Snip and Tape, you could barely tell that a good chunk of them had just previously been missing a few body parts.

"Aww, I can't see my tonsils anymore," Private Sakura complained. The process was miraculous and I was reminded of similar scientific projects that were occurring at the moment.

Lieutenant Khawla, half her Mubarizun and Sergeant Yazidi's men numbered twenty in total. Ten elites, ten regulars, Stone as the technician, and a civvie. I was given some ancient NVGs; I suppose that I wasn't important enough to warrant the good stuff.

"Keep a low profile," Khalid had told the team. "Meet up with the contact inside the city. Khawla is squad leader, Yazidi is second in command. Good luck."

The camera the devs left for me was a Nikon from the 1980s. It used film. Thankfully, it saved directly into my AmuSphere.

I took a picture of the raid group before we dived into the dungeon:

Picture 1 (450 mb):

Pic caption: A squad of soldiers in black fatigues stands in front of a IAV Stryker APC. The standing squad in heavier armour belongs to the 4th Mubarizun Squad, alongside Sergeant Yazidi's squad, kneeling in front. Lieutenant Khawla stands left most, Sergeant Yazidi stands the rightmost. They are armed with a combination of AR-15s and M249 light machine guns. In the middle is an Iron Cog, MULE platform, (nicknamed Lydia.) Sitting on it is clone vat technician StonedScientist.

(Screenshot taken by Ridwan Mason, 2039, Honest Gaming Copyright)

The citizens of Corinth could not go to sleep that night. The imminent destruction of their nation and the army of bloodthirsty howling maniacs beyond their walls made that nigh impossible.

But what was worse was the bloodthirsty howling maniacs that were already within their city. They moved underground, like hostile life-hating rat-men, armed with automatic weapons. Even with the cessation of artillery thanks to the Doctor's brilliant new BOW, something those capitalist scum were howling and screeching at, it would not save them from the horrors below.

"Maybe we were the Mutant Horrors of Old Earth all along!"

"For the last time, Kuni, we are not mutants. The mutants are the mobs we're fighting"

Kunimitz scoffed. "You telling me being grown in a vat and given memories of a centuries old dead person doesn't make me a mutant?"

"No!"

"Well you're wrong, jackass. I've watched the lore videos, we are the mutant horrors!" said Kunimitz.

Issin laughed. "He skims the wiki and thinks he knows the lore like the back of his hand."

"I know your mum like the back of my hand."

"The fuck did you say about me mum, asshole?!"

Klein walked into the barracks room all of the FuurinKazan shared, saw that Issin and Kuni were fighting about dumb bullshit again, and turned around. The rest of his buddies deigned not to intervene and focused on their own projects. Sometimes you gotta let the lads punch it out. He wondered if the fact they all worked so far away from each other and only spoke to each other over the Internet was likely partly the reason they were still friends.

He had little time to explore this new base. It was both smaller and more sprawling than the one at Mount Parnassus, almost maze-like in its construction. Utilitarian, save for the luxury quarters inhabited by the Class Traitors faction, mostly the family and kin Zeus Papadopoulos XI. Sometimes you can see them walking the halls; you could tell because they were the ruling class because of their fancy silk togas and were fairly free of mutations unlike the rest of the Earthlings.

As he rounded the corner, he bumped into one. "Oops, sorry about that."

The person in question, an acne-faced teen with a toga too big for him, scowled. "Get your disgusting fake genes away from me, janissary!" He brushed himself, as if Klein's contact could have given him a deadly virus, and stomped off.

Ah, just like working in retail. He and Kirito should discuss the old days over beer at some point.

Klein wasn't sure where he was going but found himself in the base's armoury. There were large machinery that made gunpowder and cartridges by the thousands. It took the combined technical effort of Black Dog, Kyoto Warhawks and Zokon i Dolg to make it run again. Even powering the lights and machines required numerous forays onto the surface to steal chemfuel, a task that Klein's guild had completed a couple hours ago.

A familiar man in a lab coat was prodding at a beaker; he popped out from one of the cloning vats just a while ago. "Captain Klein."

"Yo Vova, what's up?"

"I'm currently -" he looked at the samurai. "Oh, you said it right. Strange."

"Of course. Vova is short for Vladimir, Vlad is short for Vladislav. I had a drink with a Russian tourist who told me about that over a drink, his name was also Vlad."

He had made the mistake of calling the drunken tourist Vlad, which incensed him to no end and Klein calmed him down by offering to buy him a bottle of sake. It was an expensive one too.

The scientist shrugged. "I don't mind, my real name's not Vladimir anyway. It's my grandfather's."

"New ammo?" he asked, pointing to the beaker.

"Not exactly, the same «Anti-Mutie» mixture but better. Mind handing me that cartridge?"

Klein handed him a 5.56x45mm round, minus the bullet tip. With a syringe, he extracted the green liquid and placed it into a glass bullet, which he promptly secured into the rest of the cartridge. "Want to do some testing?"

At the edge of the room was a sewer chamber turned gun range. It was basic but it had to do. Nearby a man with a sandy coloured robe was pulling off precise center mass shots with his XM8 assault rifle. The guy was tearing through ammo, and somehow still hitting each target without a wasted shot. He was one of CHAD's Virtues.

The Virtues, CHAD's mailed fist. Know one really knew much about them save for the fact that they were the gas-masked man's most trusted soldiers. Even for someone as new as Klein knew of CHAD's reputation as a lone wolf, and somehow these spec op motherfuckers just popped out of nowhere.

Klein recalled helping Sergeant Gregory haul those cloning vats from the police station. It was a nightmare - with the Zakon i Dolg hauling the big ass vats into the sewers on grav-barrows while the FuurinKazan, Warhawks and Virtues held off the Corinth Police Force. Even with half of Klein's squad bionic'd up, the Virtues kept pace with precision marksmanship and smart use of grenades. Sending in the Warhawks in retrospect was overkill when the Virtues were sufficient.

They didn't talk much, spoke almost entirely within code, and Dale even joked they were aimbots. They might have been for all he knew.

Vladimir had two boxes of ammo, one marked old, the other new. At the other end of the range was a pink cube, strapped into a glass box with a small hole the size saucer cup being to the side. Klein's blood ran cold at the sight of it. "How did you -"

"It was very difficult," Vladimir said. "Bullets get absorbed, fire does nothing, explosives work a little better but not by much."

"Damn."

"Yes, but don't worry, we'll crack the code. I took the Mimic Knives from Kirito, CHAD and Tadao. Whatever secret alchemy they used to make a blade secreting poison is currently used in the new rounds. I've also made the tip out of plastic, but all the chemfuel is being used on other stuff."

"So it's more dangerous?"

The scientist smiled. "Just don't mix the chemical with fire, it won't go down well." He picked up pencil and clipboard. "Time for tests."

He loaded a round from the 'old' box in an AR-15, took aim, and fired. The pink bubblegum cube thingy absorbed it like ballistic gel, its HP dropping from 300 to 295. "Holy crap, that thing's tanky!"

"It is. Even a high level player that dumped all their attribute points into END would only have 250 HP."

In comparison, Klein who was level 11 had 80 HP. Players in general had very little HP compared to the rest of mobs, as befitting a high tension high lethality game. Already, its HP shot up back to 300. "Stupid heatlh regen."

"Load a new round."

He took his next shot at the pink bubblegum, dropping the HP from 300 to 290. Klein heard Vladimir cursing something in Russian.

"Hey, at least it's twice as effective!" he said, hoping to cheer up the scientist.

"Oh, it is. I was hoping putting in more of the chemicals would triple its effectiveness. Still, field practice would work better than in a lab."

"You want me to bring a mutie in here?"

Both players jumped and turned, the Virtue standing behind them, rifle hanging from his shoulder. His face was covered with a keffiyeh and goggles, resembling their leader. "I could go up there, kidnap a few and you can shoot them here."

Vladimir's eyes bulged. "N-no! I know we're all war criminals here but yikes, my guy."

"It's easier than taking shots at police or militia."

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll do it my way," said Klein.

The Virtue shrugged. "Suit yourself. Name's Gabriel by the way. You know where to find me." With that, he flicked the safety on his rifle and made his way to the exit.

Vladimir shook his head. "Where does CHAD find these guys?"

Klein nodded. "Don't worry Vova, you give me that new ammo and I'll bring a team up." Sure, he was still shooting at people but at least they were shooting back. "I know just the couple to help me."

There was a large training field near the waters, a collection of planks that roughly made the size of a soccer field, held atop a collection of barrels with rope, netting, and a bit of prayer. Warhawks and Zakon troops were competing in a friendly game of football, and because the goal posts had no nets - they were just cones with broomsticks stuck in them - the ball would shoot into the water and the losing team had to conscript one of their own to retrieve it. Colonel Honshu was there too, still in full armour, yet keeping pace with the players with no armour. Klein could already spy a few troopers on both sides that were soaking wet.

As he passed the floating field, he could see Tadao and Gregory arguing about something. Dyne was doing repairs on his rifle with Smith; the former giving Klein a friendly nod.

He spotted CHAD speaking to Major Nikita in hushed voices at his office. The samurai had increased his PER last level up and cupped his hand over his ear.

" - they're gone. Missing," said General Gas-Mask. "They've been pulled back."

"Pulled back? Where to?" asked the major.

"I don't know. Something's up. I've sent Saraqael and Raguel to investigate. Keep your ears open."

Huh, wonder what's that about. He was sure he'll be briefed on it soon.

Before he could reach the end of the hallway, Nikita exited the office. "Klein-san, a word."

"Sure thing."

They spoke by a vending machine, one of many dotting GGO. Instead of selling drinks or food, it sold ammo (of course). Apparently one existed in real life, and unsurprisingly it was American-made. This particular vending machine had the Glocken Corp logo and an array of ammo; from rifle rounds to pistol caliber to shotgun shells. There were even a few grenades for sale. A bronze eagle was mounted atop the vending machine. It looked extremely tacky.

Nikita scanned the listing. "If this was an actual military, the Overlords would have sent us ammo instead of needing us to buy for ourselves. But hey, video game logic."

Klein nodded. "Video game logic. Mind getting me a few slugs? I'm kinda low on cash …"

She chose a couple magazines of 9×19mm Parabellum and a couple boxes of 12 gauge slugs, scanning her PDA over the sensor reader. The ammo dropped into the box chute with a satisfying ka-chunk! Nikita handed him the ammo. "Wow, thanks major!"

The officer nodded. "I need help with something."

"Sure, anything." That was worded as a request, not an order. The major seemed like the kind of lady who took her game as a job, which Klein guessed was true for a lot of guild leaders; he only led squad level guilds in his life so he wouldn't know.

"It's Monday tomorrow, don't you have work?"

"I'll call in sick." What was the IT department gonna do? Fire the only guy who understood Excel? "Don't you?"

"Don't mind me. Most of my men won't be available, work and school as you know. You've heard of the siege I was in?"

Klein nodded. She continued, "My men escaped but the guild's armour didn't. Not even the commissar's cybersteeds. Do you know what happens when a guild owned vehicle gets destroyed?"

"You respawn it at a high price?"

"Yes. But the thing is, they're not destroyed."

Klein saw where this was going. "So you want me to retrieve them?"

"Preferably, in one piece." She tapped on her PDA. "I sent you coordinates of where they were last seen. When you retrieve them, contact us and I'll send a squad to collect. Try not to destroy anything."

"We could drive it back."

"Do you know how to drive a Russian-made BTR-80?"

"... no …"

"Here's the encrypted radio signal. We can discuss price later."

The pinkhead snapped his fingers. "Can do!"

Finally, he arrived at his destination - a spare storage room turned into a small sparring spot. He raised a fist to rap on the door until he heard a sigh.

"Haaah! Kazuto, it's so big."

"Yeah, told ya it was impressive, didn't I?"

Klein felt the breath knocked out of him.

"What's that, seven inches?"

"Try eight."

A whistle. "And so wide too. Can … I touch it?"

"Of course. You can play around with it, if you'd like.

Klein blinked. Did he just stumble into some poorly written hentai? He probably should do something about this. He regretted putting in the points in PER right now.

"It's heavier than I thought. And curved too."

"You don't like curved -" said Kirito, somewhat disappointingly.

"No, no! Curved is good. It's kinda sexy."

"I'm glad you like it. But we better get to finishing our work. Someone might walk in."

That's it, he was gonna walk in and stop this tomfoolery.

"Wanna see mine instead?" Sinon asked excitedly. "It's way longer."

"Ooh, nice toy. I can see myself handling that."

That does it! The mechanised door slid open and Klein came through like the point-man of a breacher squad. "Okay, knock it off you two -"

Standing behind a pile of guns and blades were the couple, Kirito holding a massive curved knife and Sinon holding a baton. Both of them were out of armour, dirty, as if they spent their time doing weapon maintenance. A row of brushes and rags were neatly laid out, as were disassembled rifles.

"Hello, Klein-san. What's up?" asked the sniper.

Kirito frowned instead. "Knock what off?"

Klein coughed. "Uh, nothing. Nothing. What do you have there?"

"Just showing Sinon this knife I found off a dead Republic soldier during the last mission saving the Zakon's. I always wanted one of these in real life. Shame it's too low level for me. I think I'll just send it instead."

Sinon flicked her weapon, the telescopic baton extending to a good foot. "When I was on the force, I asked for special permission to use one of these. Thankfully, I never had to use it … much. If you want a lesson on how to use it, I'd be more than happy to teach you, Klein-san?"

Klein mentally wiped his brow. "Thanks for the offer, but maybe some other time. Got another mission, you up for it?"

"As long as I can bury seven inches into someone, hell yeah."

"Please stop using units of measurements like that, dude."

"Ugh, these NVGs suck," said Kirito, switching his goggles off for the upmteenth time.

"It's the lights," said Klein, pointing at the ancient orange light bulbs hanging from the high ceiling; the ceilings tended to vary wildly depending where you were. "Your goggles aren't able to filter the visible light and low light clearly."

"What are you talking about? I'm seeing just fine," said Sinon.

"Yeah, yeah, rub it in with your stupid cat superiority."

"Nya."

Klein couldn't help but smile at the two arguing. A part of him envied the relationship the two had. Of the FuurinKazan, only Dale was married, some had girlfriends, the other half didn't, him included. Just the life of the True Bachelor.

As the two joked and prodded at each other, Klein raised his bionic hand. "I hear something."

They made for cover, what little there was anyway. They were in one of the infinite maintenance tunnels with space wide enough for only one person yet the ceiling was a good twenty feet high. Klein took cover in a door frame, Kirito laid prone, AR-15 at the ready pointing at the direction Klein pointed at.

"Shit!" he said. "The damn light's on!"

"I got this," said the sniper.

Sinon turned to face a wall, clambered up as high as she could before planting both feet on each wall - a perfect split jump. She hovered above them, a good fifteen feet up, and gently loosened the ancient bulb, bathing the corridor in darkness. She unslung her Lynx and leveled it at the entryway. Well, it's not like she has any place to hide …

Klein flicked the safety off his Spas-12; his sawed-off in a thigh holster, his chainsaw attachment hanging off his belt. "Alright, just keep quiet …"

"Your ass looks fantastic, babe!"

"Thanks, handsome."

God, he hated being a third wheel. Should have asked Dyne or one of the boys to come along. "Get ready, you two."

They switched off their lights and turned on their IR designators; militia may not carry them but Stormtroopers could spawn with them. They knew little of the Thunder Fighters to know what standard kit they had. Woe to the three of them if they bumped into one in these tunnels.

A beam of light appeared at the end. Everyone's body tensed. Could he risk it?

"Klein-san, the pass phrase!" whispered Sinon. If she thought it was okay, might as well. He reached for the grenade on his belt, ready to lob.

"Marco!" he called out.

Don't say Polo, don't say Polo.

The voice answered back, "BATTUTAH!"

Klein relaxed. "Friendly!"

Kirito stood up, Sinon replaced the bulb before dropping down. A familiar GI came swaggering, BAR swinging from a shoulder, flashlight bobbing on his chestplate. "HO, BATTLE BROTHERS. AND BATTLE KITTEH."

Sinon smiled. "Glad to see you again, Wall-san."

Titanium Wall smiled broadly, crushing both swordsman and sniper in a bear hug. "AH, THE WALL HAS MISSED YOU. IT FEELS LIKE IT HAS BEEN A LIFETIME."

"Wall, it's been like two days," said Kirito.

"DO NOT INTERRUPT THE WALL'S DRAMATIC ACTING."

"Sorry."

Before the GI could do the same, Klein placed his hand on his shoulder. "Good to see you back. Tough noggin, eh?"

He rasped the side of his helmet. "SWORDS ARE NO MATCH FOR THE «STEEL HEAD» PERK. AND IMMORTALITY OF COURSE."

"What brings you here? Why didn't you teleport yourself to the cloning bay?"

The hoverbarrow with supplies that rounded the corner answered Klein's question. Alongside the boxes of supplies were Skirmisher-chan, Corporal Dave and a few other Zakon troopers. "LANDED ON THE BEACH, FOUND THAT CAVE OF YOURS TOO. MORE WILL BE ON THE WAY."

"Gotta be quick and get this to base," said Dave. "Heard some abomination fixed the walls awhile ago. You guys the welcoming party?"

Klein explained their mission, Dave nodded. "Okie dokie. Don't worry, we'll find our way."

"AND I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU ON THIS FINE MISSION. YOU NEED THE POWER OF JOHN MOSES BROWNING ON YOUR SIDE."

"Fine, but you'll want these," said the sniper, prying the NVGs at the top of her helmet; she had been carrying it out of habit rather than out of necessity. "I could see that light of yours from a mile away."

Dave shrugged. "Man's stubborn like that, we tried." The rest of Zakon had theirs on.

"NIGHT VISION TAKES THE CHALLENGE OUT OF IT. THE WALL HAS GREATER VISION WITHOUT IT FOR HIS EYEBALLS ARE AS MUSCULAR AS THE CAT GIRL."

"What? That's not how it -"

Klein cut her off. "If you want to join us, you have to use it."

"BUT -"

"No buts!"

The Wall grumbled but put them on anyway.

They were out in the Wastes again, on the far southern side. They pried open a locked iron door through the application of Wall's and Sinon's brawny thews, the screeching of rusted iron groaning like an awakened Iron Cog. They really should have packed a can of WD-40,000 with them

For the first time, Klein saw the clouds over the ancient realm of Greece. Lightning flashed in those great grey clouds and thunder boomed across the desert plains. Even from this afar, the sound of distant gunfire echoed in the Wastes. They found themselves coming out of the side of a hill and he wondered how many of them are dotted around the land.

Through his binocs, Klein could see patrolling humvees, trucks and technicals lining up at a military checkpoint. There were a lot of troopers, armed from MAT-49 submachine guns to Moist Nuggets. Of the dozen, he could spot only a couple of sergeants with AKs. They were in the southern province of Corinth, where much of the Republic still held land; no doubt ready to deploy their armour and War Behemoths. One of those mutated oliphants was resting in the yard and eating fresh pumpkins as its mahout was welding its body armour plates nearby.

"I take it we don't engage unless needed?" Kirito asked.

He tugged at his pink beard with his robotic hand. "No. Suppressors only when needed; don't think we've got subsonic ammo -"

"I HAVE A WELROD!" said Titanium Wall, bringing up what can easily be described as an oversized pipe gun.

"Okay, good. But other than that, blades only. No chainsword, Kirito."

"Hmph!"

Sinon cracked knuckles, her fingerless tactical glove showing off her sharp nails. "It's good to go into the thick of it, once a while."

"Your boyfriend is a bad influence."

"Damn right, I am."

"Let's go. We've got a long way to go …"

As they marched to their objective, rain fell from the heavens and the desert sand swallowed it up.

None of the players expected the change in weather and were already wet and miserable. They tucked their firearms in their backpacks and Klein cursed their bad preparation.

It was cold, it was windy, damn near blinding them and they had no goggles either. They had been walking in the torrent for awhile, seeing nothing but the odd moving vehicle. "Should we go back?" asked Sinon.

"No, we move on!" Back in SAO, rain was uncommon because players hated the feeling of water down their spines and in their armour. Zaskar apparently didn't give a damn about that. "Let's just steal some coats from someone."

It didn't take long for Sinon's sharp eyes to find someone. A squad seemed to have dug into the sand, a makeshift sniper nest, likely a recon force. The sniper said something unkind about their stealth skills.

"Kirito, Wall, you lead."

The two fighters stalked forward, Kirito with trusty sword, the Wall with his Welrod and bowie. Sinon went with Klein, claws and tanto drawn.

The shelter was a hole dug into the side of a hill. Two rocks, actually two players, were guarding the roof of the hideout. They were smoking and chatting, the idiots. That sorta thing as Klein understood it was grounds for being kicked out for any guild. Kirito and Wall did their red work and dispatched them with ease.

Sinon and Klein were at the entrance, a scrap of metal leaning against a frame. With a nod, Klein brought up his shotgun - and held up a fist. Wait.

Thunder struck and Klein kicked the door down. He shoved his shotgun at a soldier with a mug of tea and splattered his brains against the wall. Sinon leapt at the sniper, looking out into the distance, claws outstretched and tearing a gash in their neck. Kirito and the Wall came in seconds later. The entire action took eight seconds.

"These aren't Republic soldiers," Sinon said, the tip of her boot nudging at the headless corpse. "These are FaDe soldiers."

"It's us or them. Ah well. Reminds me of my Player Killer days," Kirito said with an air of nostalgia.

"Good times," said Klein. Both Kirito and the Wall were already wearing the dead sentries' cloaks. From hooks on the wall were also the dead players' rain cloaks. "Sorry, friends. Mission comes first."

They looted the hideout, but the ammo was mostly incompatible and the sniper used was of no interest to Sinon. Before they left, they disabled the radio. None of this would ever play out in real militaries but Nikita's words about video game logic came back to him.

More marching and the entire Wastes had gone from sandy brightness to gloomy grey. Their moods were no better, despite their new digs. At multiple times, Republic scouts came close to discovering them but they dug in, at times quite literally, with shovels. Only twice did they had to attack, and it was down to the Wall and his suppressed single-shot pistol.

There he was, in the cold rain, soaking wet, face deep in the sand. He had never had so much fun in years.

"Where are the Zakon's armour anyway?" asked Kirito, after avoiding

"That must be it," said Sinon, speaking loudly over the rain, pointing south. Before them was an ancient gas station converted into a chemfuel station, with the familiar looking BTR-80s parked. The Zakon i Dolg logo - a stylised blue target on a shield-shape field, was just barely visible over the bad paint job of the Helix of Mutantopia the troopers made before sneaking into the city, had been properly painted over.

"WHY DON'T THEY JUST PAINT A 'Z' OVER THEIR VEHICLES?"

Sinon blinked. "Uh, Wall-san, you do realise what happened like two decades ago, right?"

"NOT REALLY, WHY?"

"... I'll tell you later."

They scouted some more, and fortunately for them, the soldiers there even had Flesh Puppers with them with a machine gunner atop the roof. Two of the three BTRs were parked nearby, their turrets missing, with another currently being fueled. A row of motorcycles were being disassembled, likely for spare parts, too bad for Nikita. Speaking of which …

They set up a quick shelter: a couple of poles and a tarp for their bags and the ammo box he had been hauling. It had a multitude of ammunition types, including 5.56 mm, .50 caliber, 12 gauge, and luckily for the Wall, .45 ACP. A battle plan was quickly formulated, and a few minutes later, Klein, the Wall and Kirito found themselves some fifty yards from the station, hiding behind a pile of rocks. The rain did most of the work for them. As they waited for the signal, Kirito injected something into his veins with his «Drug-Assited-Booster».

"You look like an addict," he whispered.

Black veins were popping at his neck, Kirito wiped away blood from his nose. "I'm a badass monster hunter, you're just jealous."

"I have a chainsaw hand."

In truth, both were extremely jealous of the other. Not that they'd say it.

Lightning flashed, thunder boomed, and the Lynx cracked. It took out the machine gunner on the chemfuel station's rooftop, the bloody mist mingling with the heavy rain. Klein wondered about the wisdom of .50 caliber Anti-Mutie rounds used on a lowly boot, it was excessive. He just hoped there's some useful data for Vladimir.

The spray from the Wall's Tommy Gun struck the surprised Flesh Pupper as if they were explosive rounds. A trio of bullets was enough to trigger the unstable mutations and explode the creature's hind leg. A single shot to the side slew it.

Kirito's assault rifle barked twice, hitting an unaware private and missing a corporal. The private spun around, lacking even basic flak, before shaking violently and dying in a puddle of rain. The corporal poked his head out and had his ear torn off for his trouble. Recovering from their shock, their sergeant rallied them and a mechanic in overalls was already mounting the BTR-80s.

"Take out the turret! Take out the turret!" Klein yelled.

Another crack and a scratch appeared in the side of the cupola. Klein cursed and suddenly recalled the fact that the Anti-Mutie rounds were glass tipped. The turret was whirring to life,

"Spread out!" Kirito shouted, smoke grenade in hand. The artificial cloud saved the mission as they scrambled for cover.

Slamming into the back of a rock, the whizzing bullets burying into his position mere moments after he left. After playing GGO for a while, he could tell by feeling and sound which bullets were way off and which were inches from death. Klein pulled up his neckerchief to not inhale the smoke.

"Sinon's switching to standard ammo," Kirito shouted over the smoke; Klein couldn't see him even with his «Eye of the Storm» perk with its five meter limit. He readied his Spas-12, peering off at the enemy -

- only to have a Flesh Pupper on him. His tanto materialised in his hand and he twisted his hips, throwing the mutant menace onto the ground. Even with a foot of steel in it, it was still snapping its two jaws at him. A single shot from his shotgun finished it off, the enhanced Anti-Mutie round triggering unstable mutations. Its many eyes grew, its teeth rotted and dropped from its gums, and its grew a second mouth - all after death.

Whatever Vladimir did to this new ammo, he needed to back it the fuck up, God.

A third crack, an explosion, and the cannon fire ceased. Kirito threw another smoke grenade and not before long, his chainsword came to life. Sinon had counted twelve enemies in total, three against one. It was a foolish manoeuvre to engage in melee against an enemy with fortification superiority.

Oh what the hell. Klein grabbed one of the 12 gauge shells, cracked the glass opening and poured the chemical onto his tanto before fixing it to his shotgun. He hoped the rain wouldn't instantly wash it away.

He gave his best banzai yell as he charged the chem station. "BANZAAA -"

His feet stopped moving and his world went dark.

Klein remembered the first time playing Sword Art Online, eight years ago.

He remembered charging into the first boss fight. «Illfang, the Kobold Lord» had slew half the raid group and almost killed the rest of them. He was too focussed on the fight, he didn't even notice the boss' giant nodachi crashing towards him. He would have died right then and there, had a certain swordsman not tackled him out of the way.

"Damn, dude! Whatcha did that for?!" asked an irked samurai.

The other guy made a face at the question. "Listen, bro, I just saved your life. So maybe a little thanks is in order?"

"I didn't need saving, I was gonna kill the bastard."

"Kill him? He isn't even at half health!"

"No, listen here -"

Before the stranger could listen to his tirade, Illfang stomped over and bisected them with a lazy swing of his weapon.

As they respawned back at Black Iron Castle, he asked the brunette, "Wanna try to go kill the boss again?"

"Sure thing."

And that's how he met Kirito.

Eight years of SAO, eight years of high highs and low lows. Lots of low lows. The game was the best and the worst. The environments were beautiful, the fighting intense, but after eight years of the same thing, anything would get stale. Argus was conservative in its gameplay design, their DLC was lackluster, and the dungeons went from frightening levels to lazy copy and paste features.

And then there was Kayaba being leader of the biggest guild in the game. He damn near popped an aneurysm at that.

"Klein! Klein!"

He opened his eyes and noticed two things: he was no longer wet, everything was muffled, and most disconcertingly, the world was pink.

Oh no.

There was a loud buzzing sound, and before him, Kirito was sawing into the pink cube he found himself in. Whatever gunfire seemed to be dying down as the remnants of the dead laid around them. His Spas-12 was just a few feet away from him on the ground.

"Hold on, buddy! I've got you!" he shouted, though even that was hard to hear. He realised then he was floating and slowly but surely, the Oxygen meter in his HUD was rapidly declining. In the periphery of his vision, the Wall gunned down a fleeing soldier.

No, dammit. He didn't hike his ass through the rain just to die to some sci-fi slime.

He reached to his back, detaching his bionic hand for his chainsaw attachment; it felt like swimming in mud. His chainsaw came to life, only to immediately die again. Come on!

Sinon appeared next to Kirito, Lynx in hand. "Stand back, Klein-san!"

The gunshot blew a chunk of the cube, only to regen almost immediately. "I'm not risking a second shot," she said to Kirito, who said something that Klein couldn't hear.

He pulled the cord of his chainsaw attachment again. The engine was refusing to come to life. This could not get any worse.

Suddenly, the chainsaw caught fire. Of all the rotten luck …

He could see his squadmates, yelling at each other. Klein could no longer hear the rain, only the beating of his heart. He was taking damage, the Oxygen bar already exhausted. Klein didn't fear dying, but he did fear everyone making fun of him for running into a huge pink slime. What would the guys say?

At least Vladimir would get some data out of this. It was a shame, not using all the 12 gauge ammo he was using.

Wait, he still had his ammo. He reached for his belt where his ammo was strapped, the glass cartridge still intact and the chainsaw flame had yet to die. He recalled what the scientist said:

"Just don't mix chemical with fire, it won't go down well."

Maybe, just maybe …

Klein cupped a handful of shells and slammed the ammo right into the fire.

The world went black again.

"So let me get this straight. You found yourself facing an enemy position, dug in, with a functioning APC turret, outnumbered, three to one, and you still charged them to engage in melee combat?"

"GLORIOUS MELEE COMBAT!"

"Shush! And somehow, you were accidentally swallowed by a pink slime?"

"It was a stealthy slime," said another feminine voice.

"And after all that, you were fine?"

"That's right! Well, mostly fine," said Klein, raising both arms to show his stumps. "Do you think Colonel Honshu would let me have another bionic?"

Nikita sighed before switching her PDA off. "Alright, as promised, you'll all be paid handsomely when we get back to base."

After clearing the chemfuel station, Sinon used an encrypted signal on the radio to summon the Zakon. They appeared in less than half an hour to commandeer the vehicles and were off to somewhere, Klein wasn't so sure. Nikita told him it was to a player held safehouse, so as to sneak the armour back into the city.

Now, within the reclaimed vehicles, Klein finally relaxed, loose like a coil. The rain had worsened. Nikita sat at the front, talking to her subordinates through her radio, the Wall was logged out, and Kirito rested his head on his girlfriend's lap while Sinon cleaned the barrel of her rifle.

"On the upside, I think we may have found how to destroy that pink slime. We just need to mass produce it," said Sinon.

"Yeah, that's great." Klein yawned. "Hey, mind if I logout too? Gonna go have dinner."

"No problem, Klein-san. We'll be fine, I think."

His phantom hands summoned the Menu, so simplistic vs SAO's own UI with only the options and logout button left and hovered his finger on the latter.

Nikita's headset crackled. "What? A reporter? How'd he get in the base?"

"A reporter?" Klein repeated.

"Yes … and he wants to interview smaller guild leaders?"

Klein grinned. Maybe dinner could wait. "I call dibs on being the first interviewed."

Another crackled, Nikita said, "Also, he was asking something about … a cat girl."

All eyes turned to Sinon, her eyes wide. "Hey, don't look at me. I don't know the guy."

Kirito reached up a hand to scratch her ear. "Of course, who woulda want to get to know my precious Sinonon?"

She pressed her face into his hand. "Nya."

Klein really hated being a third wheel.

Alright, who's taking bets? Will it end in 20 chapters or more? Who knows, I certainly don't. Poor Klein.

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