The Journey Home

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of the ninja turtles and their friend April.

Chapter Five

I walked outside with Don, inhaling the scent that I had always related to the outdoors, earth, pine needles, the cool evening air. I could hear Casey squeal with delight as we stepped away from the cabin, obviously Mike was distracting her from the fact mom was going away for a bit. We moved in silence, though often my feet betrayed me by causing some noise. I had never learned how to move as quietly as my friends but I was able to keep the noise down to a minimum.

I recalled Leo once trying to teach me to be silent in the ninja way, " Still your breathing April, move with caution and care." I could see him shaking his head as he watched me move through the sewer water "You disturb the water instead of being one with it," he chided gently.

"I want to be one with this sludge?" I retorted a bit gesturing to the water and grime of the sewer. I heaved a heavy sigh, I did miss Leo and that memory of his soothing calm caused me a bitter sweet melancholy.

Don lead me to an area where he started to point out different booby traps that protected their homes, subtle snares, and well hidden traps like large holes that were well concealed or trip wires that permitted large logs to break loose or what have you. He didn't speak much, as if lost in his own inner turmoil or unwilling to make conversation, or a bit of both. For a while I concentrated on what he was showing me.

"Have you been working on anything new Don?" I inquired casually.

"What? There aren't many junk yards or the like to scavenge from around here. Not like..." He paused, "Not to mention that my creativity along that line has bottomed out."

I stopped and looked at him in disbelief "I find that so hard to accept. You were always full of ideas or..."

Don's eyes turned dark all of a sudden "It didn't matter. It couldn't stop what happened." He snapped sharply.

"You don't blame yourself for what happened to Leo do you?" I wondered.

Don shook his head as he moved away from the cabin and through the bush, that hid their home so well, to the outside area of vast forest and cliffs. Somewhere I heard an owl hooting softly the call sounded mournful. Don stopped and hung his head for a moment, "Leo did what he did, so we could survive. He wanted the rest of us safe. Someone had to stay and face Karai, logically he was the best one. Leo had the best chance of defeating her and getting away. Or at least holding her off until we could insure a clean get away and come back for him," Don explained, " Circumstances were against him. Maybe we had to lose Leo that night I've accepted that. But damn it!" A balled fist came down hitting his leg, "We didn't have to lose Raph and Casey too." Don kicked at a rock and sank down to sit upon a fallen tree a dejected resigned look on his face.

" You blame yourself for Raph and Casey?" I asked, but it came out far more of a statement then a question, "Those two were too much alike. Both of them hotheads and impulsive enough to dive into trouble with out thinking twice, never mind thinking about what they were doing once."

Don gave me a distant look "I am well aware of what they were like," he said in a flat emotionless voice, "All the more reason why I should have known what he was up to. That Raph would leave and lure Casey away because those two would always help the other out, no questions asked. I was more exhausted then I thought and fell asleep at my computer." Don spoke with bitter recollection of what had happened. " I should have realized Raph gave in too easy that night, that he was going sneak out. I was too late..." Don hung his head.

"How many times did Raph sneak away Don, was he ever caught slipping out of the lair or back in?" I inquired hoping to point out to him that it was useless to stop Raph when he had his mind set, I ought to know I had dealt with his human counterpart enough.

Don raised his head to look at me, the cool shade of the forest making things already seem dark, even though full night would not be in effect for a few more hours. " In the early years he was often caught by Splinter or Leo." Don admitted, "Then both of them sort of gave up. I know you are trying to tell me I couldn't have prevented it. But I might have, if I only had... been more alert, used my training to let me know what was going on, or... I wouldn't of had to see half my family fall in one night."

"Don you are not responsible for Raph's choices or Casey's. Trust me I went through the same thing, berating myself saying there had to of been something I could have said to stop Casey from going out that night. Just as there were times I hated and despised you for leaving me, the way that you did. For removing yourselves, when I wanted to rage at you for taking Casey from me, and leaving me alone to face the Foot alone when I was pregnant."

Don blinked in surprise as if he hadn't considered the fact, the remote possibility that I'd be angry at them.

I nodded and rested a hand on his shoulder " I realized my anger, spite and everything else was just making my pregnancy that much harder. I started focusing on my child, knowing whatever happened I'd have to protect my child. I guess I started living for Casey, if not for myself. Focusing things elsewhere. I started meditating, writing out my thoughts into a journal and, talking to my unborn child about what ever I might be feeling at the moment." I snorted a little, "Silly huh? But the more I did that it seemed to help and instead of living for just Casey, as I called my child all ready, I started living for myself as well." I thought about the time after the turtles had left.

I'd been an emotional basketcase, course I had lost Casey, and grief can do funny things to a person to begin with and the fact that I probably had all sort of out of whack hormones from being pregnant, only seemed to add to the strain and stress I was under at the time. Nights of not sleeping of screaming into a pillow, if only to avoid the police coming to investigate. All of the sympathizing well wishers who really didn't know what to say or do for me, and so couldn't wait to get out of my sight so they could be comfortable.

Of course by the time I had come to the determination that I would live for the sake of my unborn child is when the Foot started to show up doing their best to pressure, threaten and intimidate me into telling them where they could find the turtles. I guess until then they were celebrating their victory, choosing a new leader after the fall of Karai, and then trying to track down Don and Mike through other means. I suppose I should have been thankful that they at least waited until my head was more or less on right, because I really don't know how I would have responded to them if they had come for me sooner then they had.

I shook my head a bit as if to clear it of the fog of my memories, "Anyways Don, Raph knew what was going on and he snuck out numerous times before with no one the wiser..." I pointed out.

I saw something cross Don's face, perhaps it was just the shadows of the evening as it settled in around us, but I was sure it was more than that, that perhaps he was aware of the fact that what happened to Raph was as inevitable in it's own way as what happened to Leo, he just needed someone else to confirm it. "Don I forgive you for leaving me, I know why you had to do it. In fact in some ways it may have been better that way as it gave me a chance to grieve on my own," I soothed, "Of course maybe we could have had the chance to mourn the loss of family together, it might have made it easier all the way around." I shrugged shook my head, "But I know why you made the choice. I know too, that Leo would want his family, to survive no matter what."

"Leo had honour, so did Raph." Don spoke softly as he stood up. "I can't say that I acted appropriately considering our training." Don's shoulders slumped, "I failed Splinter's teachings, I am not ninja." he choked these last words out, "I am a disgrace to my clan."

I shook my head in denial, "That is not true!" I declared emphatically, " It is seppuku that could bring you dishonour Don, for it will leave Mike with no one and he needs you."

Don whirled and took a step towards me so he was standing toe-to-toe, a grimace on his face. "No it was dishonourable to run in the first place, to hide like cowards. I know in my heart we can never go back and face them, never get honour back as long as the Foot are alive." he snarled vehemently. " Not the way Mike is."

"Don you know as well as I do, when it comes to solving mathematical or scientific problems, one often has to think outside the box. When you have discounted everything else, whatever is left, however improbable is the solution. You have faced many difficult situations where you could not rely on linear thinking, of A leads to B which in turn leads to C. You had a circle of blood lust and revenge, vicious with no end. The death of one can only lead to the death of another. I'm sure you realize the trap you were caught in and made a jump to break free from that." I insisted. "You did your part to help the City, to protect it, but it was never your job to do so. Not like the police, and in many ways you four did far more than the men, and woman, in blue did." I smiled, "You don't have to go back to the city, but you can make peace with yourself and decisions. You can find something else to give your life meaning." I prodded. "Perhaps Don this isn't so much as a tragedy as a blessing in disguise."

Don snorted a bit "Some blessing" he grumbled.

"You and Mike are still alive aren't you?" I insisted.

"He's partially blind April." Don reminded me.

"Yes, but he is alive and that doesn't seem to bother him as much as it seems to bother you. Do you think for one moment that Mike blames you, or perhaps if he had his full vision that you two alone could go back and take on the whole Foot headquarters?" I demanded, " You have your family Don." I soothed.

" We don't have a family." Don said in a sharp way, "There is Mike and I."

" That is more family then a lot of people have Don, besides you forgot that you have Casey Dawn and myself in the family as well." I cut in.

I could see his doubts suddenly become more clear, and maybe just by talking about them, would help him to see that he hadn't failed as much as he thought. These were things he most likely wouldn't want to discuss with Mike, not wanting to burden Mike for whatever reason but he felt safe telling me, because he knew I would keep it confidential. For the moment I could see the turbulent waters raging under the surface, if only because Don was permitting me to see them, he was opening up to me.

Course all of the boys had come to me, at one time or another to vent at something one of their brothers had done, though Don had vented the most about the destruction, Mike and or Raph could cause on electrical or battery run objects when they were extremely bored. Raph would vent to Casey while the two of them were out drinking or busting heads but if he wanted advice or a solution to a problem he'd ask me.

I sighed a little realizing there was a lot to deal with and this was going take time. Don had allowed his insecurities to become truth, and the only way to restore honour was in the traditional way. Yet there was the honour and love he had, the whole family had for one another. Splinter had taught them Ninjitsu so they could look after one another when he was gone, the Ninja Master had sought to protect his sons, and perhaps while he raised and trained his children he could not help but think of the wrong done by Shredder. all his pain and grief had festered leaving him to feel that justice could not be returned without repercussions.

Like father, like son. It would take time to show Don, to prove to him the choice he made in haste honoured the family far more than taking his own life, or returning to continue this blood feud that could only end with all of them dead.

XXX

Over the next few days Don finally stopped trying to chase me away, he resigned himself to the fact that my daughter and I were there to stay. I had given up the hotel room and moved in with them for now and we had hidden my vehicle. I won't say Don looked forward to our evening talks, but I hoped that by being there for him, offering my understanding, as well as compassion that he would start to relax. This seemed to be exactly the case and I secretly congratulated myself for getting through to Don especially as I began to see him mellow out a bit more.

Oddly enough Mike grew more tense at this time "Be careful April, he may not be acting like he's shutting himself off from the rest of us. But he is!"

"Mike how can you say that, he's not as angry as before, he seems to have accepted a great deal from our talks." I insisted.

"This is the calm before the storm. Maybe he feels you are here now that he doesn't have to be." Mike said.

I thought of our talk from the night before. It was just something Don had said during our talk about this, that or the other thing I hadn't thought much about it at the time, but Mike's warning now made me wonder if maybe he was right and there was something to fear.

" It's good you're here April. Mike sure enjoys playing with Casey."

It was a casual every day comment nothing threatening or dangerous in it, really, and that was why I paid little attention to it. But it was possible that it wasn't what he had said as what he left unsaid. Course Don could have finally come around and only been stating the obvious, perhaps Mike was worried unnecessarily about things, after all Don had time to talk and come around. I couldn't have been more wrong.

XXX

On an afternoon three weeks later, we all headed out for a bit of a picnic. Mike giving Casey a piggy back ride on his shoulders and her squealing as she drummed her heels on his plastron. It was a beautiful warm day and it felt good to be all together, when Don said he had to go back to the cabin for something.

"Sure we'll meet you at our spot" Mike called back at ease as he trudged through the bush, "don't be gone too long Donny boy or we'll eat all the food."

For a while Mike walked a long talking to Casey and I about the picnic spot they used, when suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks "Don isn't going back to the cabin" he said abruptly as if the thought had just occurred to him.

"Of course he is Mike."

"No April, he's going to the cave," Mike insisted, "And that means one thing" Mike turned and grabbed my wrist, "Come on we might all ready be too late." Mike's voice edged close to frantic hysteria.

"Cave? What cave? What are you talking about?" I demanded as I ran along beside him.

"A cave we found once. It is well hidden and holds the bones of a few animals. It is up over this way." Mike explained as he started scrambling up a small hill, "Don goes there and...well..." Mike didn't finish his words, he just concentrated on moving fast and reaching his destination without losing myself or Casey.

I myself didn't know what to believe or accept. A part of me felt that Don truly had gone back to the cabin, but Mike's fear and certainty seemed almost contagious. I wanted to deny his words but felt that, knew in my heart, that Mike who shared a bond with his family, knew Don best and would not exaggerate.

We neared the cave, "I don't think Casey ought to go in." He swooped her off his shoulders and handed her to me, going in calling over his shoulder "Wait here."

I heard nothing from inside the cave and could only wait anxiously outside of it then I heard a loud "NO!" echoing out of the black opening. I couldn't tell if it was Mike or Don and I wondered which of them was playing games. I thought I heard a bit of a scuffle, or perhaps it was my imagination and anxiety trying to trick me. I chewed my lip and started to pace and even Casey sat quietly in my arms not struggling or protesting being held as she usually does. I couldn't hear anything not even the drone of an insect or the chirping of some bird.

I was starting to think I ought to go in there when Mike came out with Don, there was a fresh red spotted bandage around one wrist and a larger swath of white cloth wrapped around his throat and neck. Mike was grumbling "Why did you do it this time Donnie? Why do you have to keep doing this to yourself?" he snapped. I don't think I'd ever seen Mike so angry "Are you that selfish that you just want to end it all to escape? Are you just going leave me like this?" Mike demanded.

"You won't be alone Mike. You have April and Casey, just let me go. You might not feel that you have to do this but I do!" Don declared.

Mike shook his head "No I'm not going let you do this to yourself now or ever." Mike stopped and grabbed Don by the shoulder, his almost sightless eyes staring into Don's "You have to stop it Don! This can't go on! You didn't come out here to heal you came out here to die. Healing for you will only start when you leave this place." Mike accused. "You never seem to consider what you do to me when you do this. I'm tired of being your babysitter Don."

Don just glared at Mike "Then stop, and we'll both be happy." he growled.

I trembled not from cold, though I suddenly felt a dark chill pass over me, for the day was warm. I hadn't realized how quickly a perfect day could be ruined or destroyed. I had sensed nothing and if Don could fool me so well how could I ever hope to help him. By helping Don I had a feeling I would help Mike.

I heard Mike grumble "Maybe next time I ought to kill you myself as it seems that's what you bloody well want."

I cuddled Casey close and felt a tear slip from my eye wondering how to ease the pain and hurt that festered so between the two brothers, how could I make all of us a family again?

TBC