The Journey Home

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Six:

I felt betrayed and hurt by Don's actions, and could easily understand Mike's angry words towards his brother, for I too, wanted to scream and yell at Don for his selfishness. I couldn't believe that Don had played me for a fool so easily, seeming to be so perfect and fine only to go off and do something like this. Yet, in spite of my anger and my own hurt feelings I realized that this was just a cry for help, a clear sign of someone who was suicidal.

I had to admit even to myself that I hadn't wanted to consider or accept the facts before, perhaps I wanted to believe that I would be able to perform miracles, Don would see me and come around, able to accept things for what they were and then lay his guilt to rest. I knew Don cared for me, it was something I knew he tried to hide, and yet there was times, certain things he said, simple gestures that told me there was more to his words or actions then what he was willing to confess to. I felt for sure knowing he had those feelings for me that I could bring him around.

Yes, I confess he never once said anything along the line of ' I love you' . But then again there was Casey Jones and there were times I seen Don cast an almost envious look Casey's way. Too many times I heard Don inform my fiancé and later my husband, that he was very lucky. Casey just brushed it off in his usual way. Or on rare occasions would agree with Don that he was very lucky indeed, but that was about as far as it went. Don would not, nor could not stand in the way of Casey Jones. He might have convinced himself that he never stood a chance, that there was the age difference, and I was better off with a human. I however, had never looked as any of them as anything but human, in fact I saw them as far more human like then a lot of humans were.

So you see, I knew there was that connection, and I hoped his feelings for me hadn't died or changed in spite of the fact our lives had. I was hoping his love for me would win out over his tendency to hurt himself. In many ways the way he had fallen into accepting my being around, gave me false hope, while typically ninja like, keeping his true intentions hid from all but Mike who had been alerted that Don might pull something at any given time. I was thankful that Mike and his ninja instincts had not been conned as easily as I had been.

Our picnic was of course, cancelled, to which Casey complained loudly whining her protests "No home mommy. Casey picnic." she wailed.

I shushed her as I bounced her in my arms, for I knew Don's new injuries would take priority. We returned home under the weight of a very heavy silence that was full of unvoiced recriminations and anger, that especially surrounded, and came from the two ninja brothers.

When we finally arrived at the cabin I kept Casey outside to play some ball with her, getting her mind off of the fact, and allowing Mike to tend to Don's fresh wounds, while I didn't have to be around their tense and frigid attitude towards each other. After we played for a while I sat Casey down and had lunch from the picnic basket "We'll have our picnic here honey and it will be just as good" I assured her. Even though I myself didn't feel much like eating.

I heard a raised voice now and again coming from the cabin, though for the most part Don and Mike were keeping their voices low so as not to carry. Years of not drawing attention to themselves still showed even way out in the woods, where no one was likely to see or hear them anyways. The stray words that did reach my way were enough to cause me to wince, in sympathy but I wasn't sure who I empathized with more, Mike or Don.

Don finally banged open the door of the cabin, he shot a quick look my way, his eyes narrowed and hard, reminding me too much of Raph. Then before I could take a step towards him, Don took off using his ninja stealth to make it across and into the bush doing his best to avoid me and anything I might say.

In reality I had no idea what to think or tell him, my mind whirled with all kinds of possibilities, accusations such as 'How could you betray us?' To berating him for his choice ' The whole seppuku thing is ridiculous!' To sympathy 'I know you are hurting Don but we are here for you.' None of these things would be well accepted by him in his present mood, not to mention that I had too many options to even decide on just one before he slipped into the shadows of the bush.

I turned back looking at the door, half expecting Mike to come out following after Don. But he didn't appear. I sighed wearily, exhausted more emotionally then physically, but still feeling worn out and drained. I swooped Casey up in my arms "Time for your nap" I declared.

"No nap. No tire mommy wanna play" she chanted earnestly.

"Not this time hon," I declared as I took her into the cabin and towards the room we shared, as I passed by the kitchen I thought I heard Mike crying ever so softly.

What am I going to do? Things seem so hopeless. I realized bitterly feeling tears suddenly come to my eyes and threatening to fall. I blinked them back stubbornly as I tucked Casey into bed and sang her a lullaby, ensuring she was asleep before slipping quietly from the room and heading toward the kitchen.

Mike sat hunched over in his chair, his elbows propped up on the table, his face buried in his hands. He looked so forlorn and upset, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him and want to sooth his hurting heart, knowing that he had done this so many times before, playing the role of the rescuer to Don. I moved behind his chair, aware that no matter how softly I tread he would still hear me, I reached up and began to rub his shoulders and neck area massaging the tense muscles, "Mike...I thought..." I began still not sure what I was going to say.

'What did one say in these circumstances?'

Mike sniffed, raising his head slightly from his hands and wiping at a few stray tears. " It is what he wants us to think, that everything is okay. I'm tired of saving Don from himself, sometimes I wonder if I ought to just let him do it. But I can't...I" Mike shook his head, swallowing hard, "I can't let Don do that to himself. Splinter always taught us to be there for one another, to help one another out...he said there was nothing we couldn't do. That while we were all strong and powerful as individuals as a team we were a powerful chain." Mike sniffed and hung his head, "The chain has been broken. Maybe that's it, maybe the two of us, alone, just don't have the strength to defeat this." His hand began tracing random patterns set in the grains of the wood on the table top.

"Mike you two can still make it" I vowed, "it is just that Don has to accept that fact as well. If you hadn't..." I choked up suddenly unable to complete the sentence.

Mike slammed his fist down hard on to the table top "I can't keep saving him April, he has to save himself, he has to choose life." Mike insisted firmly, "Maybe if I gave him the chance to do it then he might realize it isn't what he wants after all, only thing is he might find out after it is too late. Maybe I ought to help him do it, just tried to kill him instead of saving him." Mike complained bitterly.

I jerked my hands away from him unsure I had heard what he said, stunned I moved to another chair and sank down into it "You don't really mean that do you Mike?" I pleaded softly almost afraid that he would indeed carry out his plan.

Mike sighed "I do...and I don't" he admitted the last part in a low whisper, "I'm just getting tired of it all April. I know he's sick and he needs help but Don is the smart one and I" Mike raised his head his eyes meeting mine, "I don't know enough to solve the problem or to make him better. I hate him and I love him. I want to kill him for being so selfish and I want to save him from his own stupidity" Mike confessed, blurting it all out his pain coming through all too clearly, "I want to beat him out of his shell, but I know it won't stop him from wallowing in self pity and in fact it might even make things worse."

I stood up and then kneeled in front of his chair hugging Mike, his arm slipped around my waist and I felt him pull me tighter to him. I could feel his body trembling ever so slightly, "It may take time but Don will come around. We will find a way to stop this" I vowed.

He called my bluff, "How do you expect to do that April?" He inquired simply.

"I'm not sure but we will find a way. We aren't going let each other down Mike." I declared.

It seemed like a placating, trivial statement ' we won't let each other down' very trite and simple. But I cared for these two and I knew that they had never let me down, not intentionally. They were my family and I meant those words.

XXX

That evening I waited anxiously for Don's return, slightly worried that he might have decided to complete the task that he had begun earlier. Mike as if sensing my fears spoke up "Don't worry April he won't try it again, at least not for a while."

I wanted to ask him how he knew, but I realized he'd been playing this game with Don for the last two years or so, and he was so attuned to Don that I was sure he would sense Don's intentions long before he got around to doing anything.

Still I waited outside in the cool of the evening with the tiny bugs buzzing in the air, mosquitoes repelled, thankfully, by the bug spray and citronella candles, wondering silently to myself if and when Don would return. Perhaps he was only waiting to come back after we were in bed when he would not have to apologize or explain to the rest of us. However he could only avoid us for so long. I don't know how long I waited, I know that it grew increasingly darker, but other then that I had no real idea of how long I maintained my vigil.

Finally, Don emerged from the bush, he looked intently my way, he seemed uneasy and turned as if to vanish back into the woods and the enclosing darkness, clearly he wanted nothing to do with me at the moment perhaps because he wanted to avoid the feelings and emotions that had been brought up earlier.

"Don don't go. You can't run from this" I told him as I stood up, hearing a few bones creak in protest from sitting for too long.

"I don't need to hear about how wrong I was and any of that other garbage April." He informed me briskly, "It's not like I want to do this I just feel compelled to act on it" he confessed.

I walked towards him silently shelving his last words about not wanting to do this. Yes, it was true his loss of honour was compelling him to act out.

When I didn't speak or respond the weight of our silence must have gotten to be too much for him and he continued quickly, before I could think how to respond to his last words.

He sighed, "I know I'm letting everyone down. I know I am just hurting others through my actions. You think I don't know any of this?" he asked tensely, "I know it. I just can't seem to stop it." He ranted.

I reached out touching his arm trying to reassure him "You feel like you need that way out Don?"

Don scowled his brow furrowing, "Not really wanting out." He said hesitantly, "But..." he paused and shrugged.

When he didn't continue I realized he didn't have the words to voice what he was feeling. He who used to explain and comprehend the most abstract and complex theories, was suddenly at a loss for words unsure of what to say or how to speak of it.

I thought over all he had said to this point and realized that in spite of his knowing how much we loved him or thought of him, it couldn't seem to prevent what for him had to be the inevitable siren call of seppuku. He was in many ways still running away, as he had the night when everything came crashing down around and about him.

I pursed my lips as my mind mulled over the last thought. Running away? There was something in that I knew it, my mind began to race with different associations.

It was due to the fact that they had run away that had made them lose honour in the first place. They took off to escape the war, as it were, compounding the crime of having lost half their family. They had in essence turned their back on everything Splinter had taught them. This revelation came hard and fast but I was sure it was the main root to Don's problem and the issues he was now facing. Don could come to grips with losing Leo and Raph, but how could he ever come to terms with all that had passed due to and because of their running away that fateful night?

I shook my head not sure how to approach this idea, as of yet, it would take time to figure it out and learn how best to use it. I also wanted a chance to discuss with Mike about this latest theory just to see if he felt the same way or if I might be barking up the wrong tree. With his keen perception of Don, Mike just might have a better idea of what was going on in his brother's mind, not to mention he could add his own brand of knowledge concerning Donatello.

Don gave me a faint grin " I hear the gears in your brain turning" he chided gently, "Am I in trouble then?"

I gave him a warm smile and hugged him, "Quite possibly Don." I replied mysteriously. I shivered a little then for the night was growing colder.

"Come on it is getting dark and you're getting chilled" Don observed, he glanced towards the cabin, "At least with Mike the hard feelings don't linger."

I wasn't too sure about that, after all I happened to know Mike was nearing the end of his rope by trying to keep Don hanging on his.

TBC