The Journey Home

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's note: This chapter gave me a surprise, because it is not how I wanted things to go, but the muses, or Don himself ( and I wouldn't put it past Don) decided .

Chapter Seven:

I had spent a better part of the night awake, thinking about Don and how I had wanted, expected, a miracle from him because he once had feelings for me. Feelings I knew he had buried and denied himself almost from the first, and it occurred to me that what he was running away from now, was connected to all that, of course I was tired, physically and emotionally and maybe I wasn't thinking all that clearly where such thoughts were concerned. However once they had taken root in my mind I seemed to be unable to rid myself of them.

By the next morning I had changed my mind about talking with Mike alone. I figured Don had a stake in this too. We were worried and concerned about Don, while Don himself felt a lack of control over his compulsion. I figured if we could all sit down and work things out between us, then hopefully we could find a way to help Don, without him feeling that Mike and I were gaining up on him, or just deciding for him what was going to be. Don was intelligent, he knew what was going on and he had as much right to voice his fears, concerns or make a decision as the rest of us did.

Due to the delicate matter, I felt the best time to go over things was when Casey went down for her nap, and by the time the three of us convened around the kitchen table, the idea of Don's feelings being bottled up connected to his running away was firmly entrenched in my mind. I sat between Mike and Don to do my best to mediate where, or when it might be necessary. Don was on my left side.

I turned to face Don, "Don, you know we want to help you and it seems to me while Mike is interceding on your behalf and keeping you alive he has yet to find what it is you need, or are looking for to aid you in your desire to stay alive." I began.

Don cut in "April I..."

I held up my hand, "You on the other hand realize that you don't want to die, that these many attempts are truly nothing more then a desire to gain help. You want the help, Mike doesn't know what to do to help, and we need to know what it is you want, need or are looking for to give you some meaning to your life so you don't feel compelled to act out. Let's face it Don if you really wanted to commit seppuku you would do it fast, and find a spot Mike isn't familiar with." I pointed out I gave him a compassionate caring look, "A part of you drives you to die, to gain honour through seppuku. Another part perhaps the more logical, rational part of yourself, combined with your love for family realizes seppuku isn't the answer and holds you back allowing Mike to get the calling card." I paused, "The two of you have fallen into these roles and are for some reason unable to break out of it."

I gave Don a tender smile as he leaned forward, his body posture said he was listening. "A dependent, co dependent relationship" he muttered.

"Something like that. Don you told me last night you really didn't want to do this, you just feel it is something that must be done and you can't stop it on your own." I then turned my attention to Mike, "While you on the other hand are growing frustrated with Don and you don't know what to do and feel that perhaps stopping Don is not the answer" I concluded.

Don jerked back a fleeing look of surprise in his eyes, as if he hadn't realized, until then, how far he had pushed Mike. He stared open mouthed towards his brother as if in total shock, "Is that true Mike?" he finally managed to gasp, while still looking at Mike as if he was some stranger.

Mike sighed and nodded "Don I'm getting tired of this. It isn't helping you or me, and it is a never ending vicious circle as cruel as the one we left back in New York" Mike confessed. "I hate it" he announced loudly and firmly, "And I'm tired of babysitting you and looking out for you." He shook his head, "I'm tired of always acting like everything is all right and then you going off to try to cut your wrist or throat, or throw yourself off a cliff. I stop you and we get mad at each other instead of helping one another. I resent you and I think you resent me too Don, though I don't know if it is because I stopped you or because I'm mad at you." He exhaled and stared hard in Don's direction, "I'm tired. I've reached my limits and I don't want to do this anymore Don because it isn't working anyways," he grumbled.

Don looked away slightly ashamed, fighting to calm his breathing.

"It might be hard hearing Mike, Don but you have to realize what you are doing to him, not so much to make you feel guilty," I hastened to assure him, "But because you seem to think he will forget and blow it all off and things will be all right between you. Both of you have been through a lot, it is understandable that the loss, trauma and a lot of things that were connected to that night may have been overlooked while you were trying to deal with the fact you had lost your family, and had turned your back on everything you ever knew."

"We didn't overlook it April, nor did we escape from it" Don corrected his voice bitter, "No matter where we went we could not escape what we did or that we acted like cowards. We left you behind to face the consequences." he snorted in disgust.

Mike cocked his head to one side, his brow furrowing "We didn't have a choice Don we had to leave. If we had stayed there, the Foot would have probably have hunted us down and killed us within a week. I was not used to being blind I would have gone down very fast at that point. The Foot realized that night that we could die. Up until then they could hurt us, we could bleed, but we always came back fighting and brought down so many of them," Mike's voice trembled, "Then they got Leo and Raph. The leader of our group and the wild card with the short fuse," he raised his head glancing unerringly towards Don. "Sure, I've adjusted and I've learned to compensate, most people would hardly realize that I am maimed, however in the city with the noise and bright lights, it might be harder for me to maintain any advantage. I could hold my own in a small battle, but I'd still be a hindrance in a large one." Mike declared, "If we went back today Don, and faced the Foot we would only die."

I nodded agreement " Leo, Raph and Master Splinter himself would not condemn you for your choice in fleeing. In fact I am sure they would praise you for getting away with your lives, and for managing to stay alive. Splinter taught you all ninjitsu so that you would survive in a world that might not accept you. He gave you all the skills you needed to achieve that goal, what you do with those skills is up to you." I insisted, I took his hand into mine, "The war was not something Splinter could have foreseen. He wanted honour returned to Yoshi and Shen. Perhaps he could not see past his own anger, perhaps he had no idea that he was setting you on that path. He made a mistake Don, which meant that perhaps Splinter was only as human as the rest of us, because he could be wrong too." I squeezed his hand, "You didn't really want to leave me there that night did you?" I inquired.

Don bowed his head, staring at my hand around his, "No I didn't" he admitted, "I felt we had only messed up your life April."

"Yeah, that's what you said before you wanted to give me a chance at a normal life. You knew or suspected that the Foot would come after me looking for information, you knew that they would let me live if only in hopes of tracking down the surviving members of the turtle family. You were right about all of that." I said.

He gave me a look that clearly said ' Do you think I would have left you there if I thought otherwise?'

" But I think there were other reasons to your decision that night Don, perhaps reasons you don't want to admit to" I hazarded quickly in a very off hand way. I gave him a meaningful look.

Don pulled his hand away from mine, and crossed his arms over his plastron, sitting back in his chair, "I don't know what you are talking about."

I shook my head, "When are you going stop running Don? You ran from the city, the war, you are trying to run from the problems that are bothering you" I pointed out, "I know you were doing the right thing, you made the right choice, because as Mike kindly said, you are still alive to prove it." I swallowed, "You are running and running. Just as you were, the night you left. You knew that I'd miss Casey, that I would be alone, and pregnant and grieving, that I would need someone to lean on, to hold to, and perhaps you didn't want to put yourself there." I explained.

I wasn't sure where this was coming from, perhaps my own exhaustion, but I sat back and watched his reaction.

"April feelings don't have to be acted on" Don grunted as he glanced away, as if unwilling or unable to meet my gaze.

"Fine I agree, feelings don't have to be acknowledged or acted upon, but it doesn't make them any less real" I insisted. I glanced at the hard look on his face and gave an exasperated sigh. "Raph at least allowed his anger out. He acted on it, he could have used some restraint but he wouldn't hold it in. He also got Leo to release his anger, though he often had to rile Leo into it." I turned to face Mike, "You have your anger, you don't get angry often but it is there and the more optimistic part of you, helps you cling to that faint impossible hope even in the darkest times." I knew it was true I had seen it too often.

Some of the family thought Mike was a bit of a dreamer, and he was, he just dreamed of a better world, for everyone. But he was realistic enough and grounded to know that it couldn't happen by itself and that it would take time, in the meantime he wouldn't lose faith. It was that realistic view that helped him know going back to the city would not be the best thing, but optimistic enough to want Don to hold on and do more. A firm believer in accepting what you have to and changing what you can.

Mike shrugged, "Better then letting yourself get down about it."

I turned my attention back towards Don, "You on the other hand always bottled your feelings up. You held it all in. Your deepest feelings became the still waters that ran deep and have become dangerous. You have avoided what you are feeling for so long that you are out of touch. Perhaps the only way you can feel and even know you are alive is by cutting yourself." I licked my lips, "It has gotten to be too much and I think you have to face whatever it is you have bottled up Don, or else we may lose the best part of who you are."

Don shook his head, as if he couldn't even grasp what I was getting at, failing to see or make the connection for what ever reason.

"You have to feel and know what is going on Don if you are going let us know it is getting too much for you" I declared. "You told me you want me to have a normal life, but that is impossible. Because you became a part of my life. I would never have married Casey Jones, under normal circumstances I would probably have never met him as we move in different circles."

"Yeah but in spite of your differences, Casey did his best to improve and be better for you April. Sure he would never be smart, like the way you and Don are, but he had a good heart." Mike interjected cheerfully.

"That and we both knew and understood what went into having you guys in our lives, and both of us wanted you to share in our lives. We felt you were the best thing to happen to either of us. It was something we couldn't forget or ignore."

"It was great!" Mike beamed, "You two were meant and we were all happy for you."

"Well almost all" I whispered as I recalled how Don had reacted to the news. Oh he did his best to seem happy and he came forward to congratulate us, and he hugged me tight to him, as if not wanting to let me go, then had cast a sullen look Casey's way before excusing himself. I had gone after him but he immersed himself in a project and insisted that he was happy for us.

"What does any of this have to do with the here and now?" he challenged simply.

Don was trying to change the subject, steering it away from what he didn't want to discuss and hopefully point it elsewhere. Yet I noticed Mike was not trying to get me back on subject he was letting it go.

"You bottled up your feelings then Don, and you are doing it now. You are torn by what you want and your desire to hold to some code of honour, not realizing that there may be a way to keep honour and have what you desire." I replied, "Before you could hide behind your projects but out here it is just a constant tug of war with nothing to distract or occupy you to get your mind off of things. It builds up and has to explode, but you aren't used to exploding so you cut instead."

Don gave me a cold calculating look, he arched his eye ridge but remained silent, speaking no protest or denial, finally he spoke "That's quite the theory April." There was no inflection in his tone nothing in his eyes to give away what was going on inside of him. He was doing his best to be ninja with me, aloof in every way.

That was fine, I was used to that reaction from all the boys at different times, it reminded me again of the time we broke the news to the family of the engagement. I knew that he was inwardly telling me that it had nothing whatsoever to do with me. I knew him well enough to know what he was thinking, even without being a ninja and able to read mind.

"Don we are here to help you and you have to stop running and you have to let us know what is going on for you. It isn't just about Mike, myself or even, about you, it is about being family. It's about us accepting the fact that we are responsible adults and entitled to make our own choices free of guilt." I declared.

I don't know if we got through to Don much, but by the end of our discussion he had agreed, finally, that he would try to let us know when he felt the urge to kill himself became too strong. It wasn't much but Mike and I were willing to take whatever we could get at the moment.

XXXXX

It was a bit later that day when Don invited me to come to the 'fishing hole' to try and catch something for dinner. I decided to go and talk with him a bit more. We walked along the forested trails, made by deer or other animals but clearly not made for man, as we headed upstream toward the fishing hole.

"Don I'm sorry if I embarrassed you before but you know there was always that chemistry between us, the charged ions. I know you never acted on it or said anything..." I began.

He turned and glowered at me "What was I suppose to say April?" He demanded, "Admit that I possibly had a crush on you? You would have brushed it off, put up walls between us, probably avoided me all together. By keeping silent I could at least hope," he confessed.

At least he hadn't told me it was all a figment of my imagination, a hallucination caused by stress or fatigue or whatever excuse was convenient at the time. "I was a teenager. You were smart and beautiful and gods!" he choked up as he looked at me, "I dreamed but I knew that was all it was!" His chest heaved and he angrily kicked at a stray rock sending it tumbling through the dirt. As if by admitting to that much it had opened the door to so much more, he continued his rant. " You could never feel that way for me. When you accepted Casey I couldn't believe it, I thought you had made a mistake, as long as you were alone there was a chance," He sighed a deep tortured sound that racked his body. "Every moment with you I treasured but it wasn't enough."

"Why wasn't it enough Don? Was it because you felt I couldn't love you back, that we were a different species, that you couldn't give me a normal life?" I wondered.

"April I know what I am." he gave me a pained look, "I never regretted what I was, except when I was with you." he sniffed and walked off towards the sound of running water.

I stood stunned, by the power of his sadness, the bitterness, the longing and pain. It took a moment for me to follow after him. I pushed through the rest of the bush to where it finally gave a way to the rocks, that was part of a river bank. As I stepped out onto the large stones I could see Don in front of me standing still as a statue, his head tilted up to the sky above, but the shadows of the trees, keeping him half in dark and half in dappled light. He was poised so tall, proud, defiance in his back, but the rounded shoulders spoke of the burden he carried.

In front of him was the clear blue green waters of the river, further up was the pool that the boys fished from and the waterfall, that seemed pictured behind him, framing his shape in the wild eddies of water and foam. It was a powerful, captivating scene and the look of his face was as if he was seeking some answer from above, that had up till now eluded him. I wished I could capture this and hold it.

It was strong, powerful, yet weak and vulnerability all at once. I don't think I had ever seen anything quite like it before.

"Did you ever ask me Don?" I asked softly, "I knew it was there and so did you. You never asked. You were always so proper, willing to step out of the way and yet I could see how much it hurt you then, to do the honourable thing. Could almost hear you screaming at me 'you are betraying me!'

He looked at me with a wistful smile "Yes." He replied simply, " I didn't want you coming with us that night you needed to grieve for your husband, and things may have changed for you..." he trailed off. "By then I knew you deserved a normal life and I couldn't give it to you."

"You gave up" I summarized.

"I gave up on you, on happiness, on love, hope life." he agreed a strange light in his eyes as he turned to stare at me then turned back, with a snort, "I knew I had much to offer the world but for the first time I felt that the world owed me, something...just one thing." He clenched his fists tight at his side, "I knew I made the right choice for Mike and I. Survival was far more important then being tortured and killed, and I knew that was all I could expect if I stayed there."

"You didn't want to live though" I snapped trying not to accuse him.

He pulled a knife from his belt, his fingers caressing the metal blade. I saw his body shudder.

I inhaled sharply, wondering if he had decided that it had been too much for him. I had to bring him back. I couldn't stand here and wait to see if he would turn the blade to his own skin, could not stand and wait to see if he would stain the rocks with his own blood.

"Don don't" I begged starting to scramble frantically towards him.

Don didn't seem to heed my call, he seemed distant and far away caught up in what he was doing as if there was only the knife and him. He began to idly toss the weapon from hand to hand, a small smile on his face as if he enjoyed the weight and feel of it resting there, the movement of it, Perhaps trying to prove to himself that he could control this and not the other way around.

"Don put down the knife" I pleaded sharply as I got closer to him.

He paid no more attention to my cry then he had to the last one. He only gripped the knife hilt firmly in his right hand.

I loved him. I cared for him, I could not let this happen. I wrapped both arms around the right arm pulling on it and did my best to break his hold on the weapon or at least insure he wouldn't harm himself again.

"Don I love you. Don't do this. I love you and none of the differences between us matter then or now" I yelled, babbling. Most likely not making a bit of sense but I didn't want him to give in to that siren call. "Don't hurt yourself any more."

Some how in my incoherent words, and the struggle, the knife slipped from his fingers, or had I got through to him and he had dropped it of his own free will? I didn't know. I couldn't be sure right then, but I heard it drop on the rocks at our feet.

Then I felt Don slip his arms around me, pulling me close and tight to him, he was crying and kissing me with a passion that was both overwhelming and unexpected, and I found myself giving in to them.

TBC