*Again, they're not mine…*

"Doko ni datte, hito wa tsunagatte iru…"

She Couldn't Hear Me…

-M.C.-

The thing I remember best about her was the whites of her eyes as the coroner rolled her over; not her tinny laugh, her crooked smile, nor her gold-tinted hair in the sunlight, but the whites of her dead for three hours eyes. Pretty sad, don't you think? The people in charge kept asking me if she'd left a note, made 'any statements' and shit like that, but that wasn't any of their fucking business. Yeah, she left a note. But it was my note, it was for me; it was the note that ruined my life and they had no fucking right to have it.

She killed herself because of me, because I'd gone out and shot up once too often with my good for nothing, asshole friends and then brought her home more than some pure powder. I loved her; I loved her from the moment I'd found her. And I'd killed her.

She was 19; I had just turned 22. She wasn't really my type… She was smart, ya know? Not the everyday bimbo that I'd pick up at the club. She was studying music education up at Columbia and, for god only knows why, she and a pack of her friends were at CBGB's one night while we were playing. I think some of them knew the drummer or something. I hadn't really noticed her during my sets; I kept my eyes closed, I hated all the glossy eyes staring at me and loving some superficial image. Yeah, they were good for the occasional fuck, but only after a couple of drinks… Ok, a lot of drinks…

When we were done the set, I was slung over the bar, trying to ignore the 16 year olds with fake Ids who were gawking at me. All of a sudden, I felt this tap on my shoulder and I looked up and lost everything in these deep pools of clear green…

"Umm, hello?" the blond repeated, grinning slightly as she waved her hand back and forth in front of his face. "Anyone home in there?"

His head snapped back slightly, and he turned to look at her. "Oh… Sorry, spacing out a little bit." His eyes looked her over quickly before becoming fixated on hers. "Can I help ya with something?"

She slipped onto the stool beside him, pushing some unruly hair behind her ear. "Just wanted to say I liked your set…" She spun around on her stool, watching the rest of the band along with her friends. "I think my friends are harassing your bassist. I dunno, being a groupie just isn't my thing…" She looked back over at him, blushing because he was still watching her. "Sorry, I'm talking too much. I'm April," she commented, thrusting her hand out towards him.

"Roger…" he mumbled, absently taking her hand in his.

She grinned slightly, tugging at her hair again. "Ya know, in that last song, if you'd change the second guitar part from an F major to D minor during the bridge, it would sound better…" She shrugged a little. "Just a suggestion." She hopped up when she saw her friends waving at her. "Anyways, looks like they're done, and I've got class in the morning. Nice… talking at you." She smiled slightly.

He just blinked a few times before noticing she was leaving. "Hey… hey wait a minute…" he called, grabbing for her hand. "You noticed that sounded funny too?"

She smiled again. "Yeah…" Looking him over, she glanced back at her friends. "Hey… Stay here for a second, I'll be right back…" She pushed through the crowd and stopped her friends, talking to them quickly. After a minute, she was back beside him. "I don't get to talk music much… I told them I'd catch up with them later…" She looked around for a minute before turning back to him. "Do you wanna, maybe, head out of here for a while? Get some coffee and talk about the idiosyncrasies of guitar chords?"

He nodded, opened mouthed and stood up. "Yeah, yeah that sounds good… Let me grab my guitar…"

She was brilliant… She understood me and let me just talk about my music at her and she never complained… It made me love her more. I honestly thought she'd think I was crazy after that first night. Thought she'd avoid me like the plague… But she came back. She came back to all of my shows in all of the skeezy clubs. I don't even know how she found half of them, but she came. And she stayed…

I don't think I was ever good enough for her…