XVI. After "I" and Before "V"

"I didn't claim to love her: I did love her."-Rick

It's in moments like these when I wish that I could be a guy: a tall, buff, masculine jock. People would take me more seriously when I'm infuriated and storming through the halls. Their expressions would be terrified and read, "I'd better get out of his way before he tramples me." as opposed to "What is it that that little girl has to be pissed off at?" Not that I'd care either way; not when I'm angry anyway, but if only students would just get out my WAY when I'm walking!

I slam my hands against my locker as I approach it. WHY did we have to fight with each other? Why was Queenie so determined to ship Rick and I?

I can't be mad at her... Truth is, I'm not angry with her. I'm angry with myself. Me and my pride got me into this nonsense. I sigh. Way to go, Vivian.

I grab my notebook for my MI class with Mr. Simpson and slam my locker door shut. Okay, so I'm a little anxious about moving our relationship to the next level. It's less stress that way being just friends with Rick. And in Rick's case it's significantly less stress. Imagine what my classmates would think of me, how they would treat me differently because I'm dating the weirdo in the school! I sigh again. How could Rick carry on day after day living like this? Co-existing with peers who don't give a damn about him or his feelings?

"Oh my gosh! Ter is totally rocking the cover!"

I'm yanked back to reality at the sound of Paige's voice. I turn around and see and her friend Hazel (?) opening a magazine. My curiosity piques as I recognize it as the same ON magazine I got from Ms. Sauve's office. "Ter" can't be the girl that Paige is referring to on the cover, can she?

I'll find out. "Hey, Paige."

She looks up with her wide blue eyes. "Oh, Vivian! I've taken you've seen Mean Girls with the outfit and all."

"Thanks for noticing." Like every other teen girl, I had seen Mean Girls in theaters earlier this year. In admiration of the movie, today I decided to wear a red, long-sleeve v-neck; a blue plaid skirt; and black knee highs with patent-leather Mary-janes. It's one of Lindsay Lohan's featured outfits during the movie. My old friends and I went to see it in April before I moved away.

"What are you looking at?" I ask. "Were you referring to someone on that magazine?" I must sound like an eager beaver asking Paige questions that are completely irrelevant to me, but whatever; I'm curious. Nancy Drew tendencies are perpetually embedded within me.

"Uh, yeah." Paige holds up the magazine. "Oh that's right! You weren't here last year; you're the new girl from the States. Okay, hun, long story short, this is Terri McGregor, the glamorous girl who's rocking the front cover, and she modeled much like she is now until she fell under Rick's spell." She rolls her eyes. "Gorgeous, isn't she? She didn't need a psycho to tell her that."

Because I'm closer to Paige than my locker at this point, where an exact duplicate of the magazine rests in my backpack, I walk over and get a good glimpse at the girl on the cover.

Oh. My. God.

This girl...this Terri McGregor is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Picturesque. Eye Candy.

Her dark, almost black, hair is swept over her right shoulder, also the angle where her head is tilted, and her hair cascading down past her chest. She has a healthier, bustier figure than the typical model. I stare in awe at her royal blue dress she's wearing, which accentuates her body frame really well. In the photo her eyes are fierce with thanks to her arched eyebrows and the glow of her hazel-green eyes. I look down at the large white captions on the bottom right corner of the cover that read, "Standing back up. Student and Plus-sized model Terri talks about overcoming insecurities about her body image and surviving an abusive relationship."

The blood runs cold in my body. This is definitely Rick's Terri. She's absolutely breathtaking to stare at regardless of the fact of how the cosmetics and special effects play a huge role in enhancing her beauty.

"Okay, hun. Watch your saliva." Paige tucks the magazine under her arm. "There are plenty of other copies to ruin."

I blink and shake my head. "Sorry." I say, looking at Paige and her smirk. It's almost as if she enjoys the reaction I gave her. She runs a hand through her long, loose blonde strands. I stare at them: for some reason her curls look more fluffier today; more appealing. She's beautiful too. I think. I'm surprised that Rick doesn't have her on his list. The same I can say for Hazel: her rusty, brown, frizzy hair goes well with her dark brown skin, almost as dark as mine's. I could definitely see Terri being friends with them.

"I know." Paige smirk grows. "It's hard to resist her beauty and harder to believe that she would ever go out with someone as awkward-looking and psychotic as Rick." There's no mistaking the disgust in her voice. "See ya around, dear." She walks past me with Hazel right by her side.

Paige is right on one thing: Terri McGregor is a knockout. Her two cents about Rick, however, is bologna! I agree that he doesn't have the typical physical characteristics that girls go for: tall, muscular, etcetera, but he's far from awkward looking! Sure, he's a nerd, but all nerds are attractive in their own unique way. Speaking of which, how did Rick, a person at the bottom of the student hierarchy without his abusive reputation, land Terri so easily? No, it's not impossible, but still...it sounds as if Rick had never been a popular guy at Degrassi.

Oh, shut up. You're in love with that geek.

The thought alone sends goosebumps crawling down my spine. As of last night, it became true.

Rick's P.O.V. (previous night)

My hands tremble as I pick up my pencil. I can't do these exercises now, I think, I'm too exhausted. I'm going to work through it though, which is all I can do, all I can ever do. I survived another night with my dad through one of his beatings. The numbness I felt during the impact of his blows to my bare back has long since evaporated, and agony is clawing at it now like the scratch of a grizzly bear raking its claws across my skin. That leather belt stings and itches at the same time! It makes me feel disgusting!

Father helped to clean my wounds with Neosporin this time. Usually when he's pissed at me, he'd grab the bottle of pure alcohol and clean my wounds with that, and because he hits me with his belt in places that are hard to reach by myself, I'm helpless to stop him; the alcohol feels like someone's puring acid into my wounds, causing me to suffer even more. I can't rely on my mother to clean the wounds; she's oblivious to our father-and-son times. Thank god he took it easy on me tonight. Perhaps it's because he hasn't seen me in a while; perhaps it's because he didn't want to make a giant scene in front of company. Regardless of the reason, I'm grateful.

I sit at the desk in my bedroom now, attempting to complete my Pre-caluclous exercises, but to no avail. My body is still suffering from the trauma that happened to me just an hour ago, but I have to get this done by tomorrow.

Instantly I think of the person in my bed and turn around to look at her.

Vivian: what a peaceful sight she is lying there, the subtle rise and fall of her chest telling me she's sound asleep. Cautiously I stand up from my desk and tread softly over to the bed where she lies. I can't help but smile at her slightly parted lips, making her breathing audible. The covers are pulled up over her shoulders, and her hands are joined together next to her face on the pillow. The way she's curled up under my covers, like an innocent little child, is endearing. A few loose strands of black hair lay in front of my face, and I suppress the urge to tuck them back behind her ear; the idea of touching her in a slumber sends chills down my spine. Don't invade her solitude. Disturb her sleep. She needs the rest. I freeze in place once Vivian squirms under the covers, moaning softly. I watch her stretch her legs out underneath the covers and curl them back up. She frowns as she lies still yet again. I sigh in relief. Poor Vivian: her concussion is still bothering her.

Expeditiously I return to my desk before she wakes up. I return my focus to the Pre-calculous problems sitting in my textbook, forcing myself to summon all of the mental drive that I can muster. It works: I breeze through trig identities in a maximum of fifteen minutes. It's a stunt that frightens even me. Even the loud scraping of pencil against notebook paper doesn't wake Vivian while I work. Hand shaking, I allow myself to drop the pencil when I finish and sigh. Alright, time to sleep.

"Were you watching me earlier?"

I jolt upright at the sound of her voice, and hastily turn around to see her sitting up, propped up against the pillows on the headboard. My heart beats rapidly in my chest, but it's not the same as when I was with my father earlier...

"I felt a presence of another person next to me while I was sleeping." Vivian continues. "It was you, wasn't it?" She smiles at me.

I run a hand through my hair. Either Vivian's a light sleeper, or I'm not as sneaky as I thought. "Um, yes, you've caught me." I chuckle nervously.

She giggles. "You're blushing you know."

Now I can feel the heat rushing to my face. "You don't miss anything."

"Well, it's kind of hard to miss a person's skin change color." Vivian smiles even more, then she gasps. "Would you like me to move? If you need to go to bed, I can always go to a different room." She begins to peel back the covers.

"No! No, stay there." Hastily I move towards the bed. "You need to rest. I can sleep in the guest room tonight."

"Last I checked, I'm the guest, Rick." Vivian pushes the covers back. "Besides this is your room. I wouldn't feel right sleeping here."

"Vivian", I move the covers back, "I'm telling you it's alright. Stay here, okay?"

She doesn't protest this time. "Okay." She answers. "Thanks."

"Of course." I say. "Are you hungry? I can get you an apple or an orange downstairs."

She shakes her head. "I'm fine, but...," I watch her fiddle with her fingers. "W-what are you going to do right now?"

I chuckle. "Uh...go to sleep? It's been a long day for me as well as you." I sigh.

She rolls her eyes playfully. "Okay, that wasn't the smartest question, but I was just wondering if you..." She pauses and looks down at her lap.

"What is it?" I press.

"Stay here tonight. With me. Please?" Vivian says this quickly, as if she's been bashful to say it.

My heart freezes in my chest. I look at her, and she stares back with the widest dark eyes I've ever seen on her.

"Vivian, I can't do-"

"Please?" She says. "I know it's weird, but I don't want to be left alone right now. I'll feel more at ease if there's someone I know that's with me while I go to sleep."

"My parents are here, Vivian, and your dad is coming back for you in the middle of the night."

"Rick, it's only until I fall asleep. Please? You look like you're going to collapse any second." She reaches for my hand.

I let her hold it, my own thoughts succumbing me. If I did sleep with her, and only sleep with her, there's no harm done, right? Vivian and I are friends, supposed to be friends, and friends comfort each other all of the time. This shouldn't be any different just because I'm a guy and she's a girl.

I take in a deep breath and release it. "You sure are persistent." I sit on the edge of the bed and take off my shoes. "I'll be right back, okay? I'm going to change." I stand up and look at Vivian.

I must be red all over again, seeing her smile at me. "Thank you, Rick." She says.

I smile back and nod before leaving the room. There's no way I'm moving into the guest room tonight.

Vivian's P.O.V. (Next day)

I find myself leaning against my locker after closing it. I revisit everything that has happened within these last twenty-four hours. Queenie had been right all along, I think, and I had been so stubborn to her. I'd probably hate myself right now if my mind wasn't occupied with events that happened the night before. Imagining it all over again is enough to throw me out of it.

Rick's P.O.V. (Previous night)

As I return to my room, I find Vivian sitting up against the pillows and smiling at me. Just how I left her. I can't risk her seeing the wounds on my back, or let her know that I'm in any physical pain whatsoever, so I smile back at her.

She scoots over on the bed. "How bad is your vision without your glasses?" She asks.

"Uh, pretty bad." I respond, taking off my glasses. "But I can still see you pretty well, and be able to recognize your features. As for the clock on that wall above my desk," I face the direction of my clock, staring at the blur of black that are supposed to be numbers, "I'm close to blind."

This gets a giggle out of Vivian. "Okay: you're not totally blind." She jokes.

"What a relief." I join Vivian on the bed and lay my legs on top of the covers.

Vivian moves closer and wraps her arms around me. I tense as her arm presses against my back, but relax as her embrace loosens a little. "Am I hurting you?" She asks me.

Just a little. "Not at all." I reply.

"Good." She leans her head against my chest. Now I can't breathe. I recall her doing this before, but the thought of it happening alone drives me insane. Slowly I wrap my arm around her. She feels much warmer now: a pleasant contrast to when she was shivering cold and drenched with rainwater.

I hug her close. "Feeling better now? I apologize for all of this, Vivian. Everything is my fault."

"What are you apologizing for? My accident?" Vivian looks up at me. "Stop doing that! I'm held accountable for my own actions, Rick. You tried to warn me, and I didn't listen. This is my fault."

"Yeah, but still, I didn't-"

"Do anything wrong." Vivian cuts me off. "Listen to me: this accident is just stirring up bad memories from your past, and you're thinking of the guilt you felt then when you were responsible for what happened. Did you push me down into the well, Rick?"

I exhale. "No. I didn't."

"Exactly." Vivian gives my waist a little squeeze. "End of story. Stop killing yourself over this."

I lean my head against hers. "Well I certainly don't feel good about what happened."

"It's called having a conscious." Vivian replies. "Which further proves that you aren't a psychopath like everyone at school ignorantly claims that you are." She snuggles her head against mine, and I sigh.

"You're probably the only person that believes so." I say.

"Bet I can name a few others who believe so as well." She says. "Hmm? Let's see...there's Toby, Emma, and even Queenie." She looks up at me. "Not a lot of people, but I'm definitely not the only one." She chuckles.

"Touche." I say at last. An earlier memory of Queenie comes to mind. I think she was in my theater class last year. She was: that animated, ball of energy she had as a niner was unmistakable.

"Did you know that Queenie was in my theater class year?" I say a loud.

"I think she mentioned it to me before." Vivian answers. "Did you know her well?"

"Well...sort of." I reply. "We always ended up working together, so I grew used to her constant fiery energy, but we didn't really talk outside of class much."

Vivian laughs. "Yep, that's her. She's exactly the same now."

"I can tell." I say. "It's me who's different."

"Rick." Vivian places her hand against my chest.

"What's wrong?" Impulsively, I brush the loose strands of hair from her face, causing tingles to ripple throughout my body.

"Was...Terri in your theater class too?"

My heart turns to stone. I can't think about Terri without punishing myself for what I did to her.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about her." Vivian rubs my back, which shockingly feels great in spite of the cuts.

"I think I owe you an explanation." I say.

And it all comes pouring out: the way I met Terri for the first time; how I anonymously left roses taped to her locker as her secret admirer; and the way I was gentle and affectionate towards her while simultaneously unleashing a monster on her on more than one occasion. I even go into detail of how I hurt her: grabbing her wrist, pushing her against a cardboard wall, slapping her across the face. I also tell Vivian about the ways in which I tried to compensate for it.

The deeper I dive into the topic, the more I notice Vivian snuggling up against me. What a pleasant feeling it is: this educated, caring girl pressing herself up against me, sharing her warmth, listening to me talk. This doesn't happen at all when your name is Rick Murray. What an angel, I find myself thinking. How unlike the others she is. I don't know why she lets someone like me be so close to her, hold her and touch her. I don't understand what it is she notices about me that she thinks is wonderful, but I won't question it. I need all of the friends I can get, and she's one of them.

"Do you know why you did those things to her, Rick? Why you hurt Terri though you claimed to have loved her?" Vivian asks.

"I didn't claim to love her." I reply instantly, bitterly. "I did love her. I don't know why I acted the way I did. I wish I had a logical explanation for it, one that makes sense, but I don't. I don't understand why I reacted the way I did. All I know is that what I did was horrible, and that I've changed since then." I can feel my body growing tense.

"Rick, you're squeezing me too tightly." Vivian says calmly.

I gasp. "Oh. I'm sorry." I move my arm away.

"It's okay. I didn't ask you to stop hugging me." She puts my arm back around her waist.

I feel my heart hammering in my chest. I nearly blacked out again, and I almost took it out on Vivian! Calm yourself. Remember what your therapist taught you.

"You're telling me that nothing major happened to you during your childhood that lead you to being abusive?"

"No. It's just me, okay? I lost my temper. It was my fault. Everything." I'm not the victim here; sure my father says things to me that are so belittling that at times I wish I didn't exist, but he never lost his temper. That's something I've picked up entirely on my own.

I feel Vivian sigh against me. "Alright, Rick, so as long as you promise one thing."

I look at her, one of my eyebrows arching. "What's that?"

"Stop punishing yourself for what you did." Vivian says. "You're so much better than that. You came back to Degrassi, and you've owned up to your faults. Already you're the most courageous person I've ever met. Just don't torture yourself, okay? It won't make matters better."

"Thanks for believing in me. I promise I won't punish myself." I delicately move in and kiss Vivian's cheek. She doesn't pull away; she let me come in contact with her smooth skin.

She smiles at me and rests her head against my chest once again. I move the covers back in order for me to move underneath them. I place the covers over the both of us and hold Vivian with both arms.

"I'm sorry I've been so needy lately." She whispers to me.

"You're never needy, m'lady." I rub her back. "You've had a long day. And I wasn't replacing the blame when I said this was my fault. It was."

"Rick-"

"I ran away when I could've stayed and stood up for myself. It is my fault, Vivian. Maybe you were the one that slipped, but I was the one who led you out there in the first place."

"Rick, I think it's really sweet of you to try and protect me from every mishap that occurs, but you're torturing yourself again." Vivian says. "I won't stand for it. Today you've showed me that you're not what people say you are. You're different than you were before. For a moment I lost hope out there in that cold, dark well, and you took it upon yourself to save me." Her voice cracks. "You're the sweetest, Rick. The sweetest. Tell me how doing something like that makes you such a bad person."

I watch as she sits up abruptly and wipes a tear from her face. "Hey." I follow suit and put my hands on her shoulders. "You're safe now, and in a warm place."

"I know. It's thanks to you." Vivian wraps her arms around my shoulders. "I just keep thinking about what would've happened if you didn't come."

I hold her close. "I see." This is why she wants company. "It's alright. Come on: let's get some sleep."

We both lie back on the pillows, and she leans against my chest. "Comfortable?" I ask her.

"Mmm-hmm." She replies.

I look down to see her eyes closed. Gently I caress her back until I can feel her breathing evenly; the sign that she's fallen asleep, and only after a few minutes. Once more I look down at her. She's frowning with her eyes closed, as if she's having a dream.

Sweet dreams, Once again, I move in and kiss her, this time in the center of her forehead, as softly as possible. Finally I feel myself growing drowsy, and reach over to the lamp on the bedside desk and turn it off.

I need Vivian as well as she needs me. She wondrously eases the pain on my back. I knew she would.

Vivian's P.O.V. (Next day)

Re living last night makes my knees buckle. I can't believe he agreed to sleep in the same bed as me! Which means he likes you too, you idiot.

My heart skips a beat at the thought. Let me get to class before I'm swept away by another daydream.

But even as I walk, thoughts of him come back to me. The fact that he is in my next class doesn't help at ALL.

I really should apologize to Queenie. She was right all along.