XIX. What She Doesn't Know

"Telling her about something that's just as traumatic..."

This can't be happening to me.

This can't be happening to me.

How can I go back to school now? How can I face any of my friends? My best friend? I didn't mean for her to see. I bury my face in my hands. Now she's probably heartbroken.

"Come on: don't tell me you're type that cries afterward." The annoying Jason says as he drapes his shirt over his head. "Or are you upset about Vivian?"

"Jay, shut up." I retort bitterly.

"What?" Jay says. "Don't be a bitch to me. Come on: let me take you to my place now."

"No thanks." I reply as I reach for my pink V-neck beside the bed.

"What's wrong with you? So what: the little princess walked in on us. What's she going to do now? Run home and cry?"

I grit my teeth in aggravation. Already I regret this decision. "Just leave, Jay. You don't have a reason for staying here any longer."

Jay scoffs. "And I thought I was the hit it and quit it type."

"What? Don't get any action from Alex?" I smirk at him for the first time since we enjoyed ourselves.

"Hey. You shut up about Alex." Jay's voice hardens, yet it warms my heart: there's someone he cares about even though he chose to mess around with me. He'd never break up with Alex. Not that I care. A romance with Jay is a concept too foreign to grasp.

"That's someone you don't get to talk about." Jay glares at me with his piercing blue eyes.

Now my anger rises. "I say whatever the fuck I want in my house." I stand up in only my shirt. "You don't like it, get out."

"Oh I'm going." Jay takes his jacket and hurries out of the room. I listen to his footsteps clamber down the stairs and listen to the sound of the door close before I groan and fall back on my bed.

Diane enters the room. "What the hell was that all about?" She crosses her arms. "It's perfectly normal to mess around-so as long as you protect yourself-but Jay? Of all people? Any body could have been a better alternative. I just hear dirty stories about him and his...let's call it hygiene."

"Diane, it's okay to use the word 'sex' around me. I mean it's not like I just did it or anything." I roll my eyes.

"Man, you're a smartass."

"I love you too, Diane."

My sister moves onto the bed. "Seriously, though." She says. "Why? Isn't he seeing Alex?"

"He is." I reply with a straight face.

"So why on earth would you sleep with him?"

I close my eyes. How do I explain this without giving anything away? "I...just needed to, okay? I blew up on Vivian a couple days ago, and we hadn't talked to each other since..."

"So you decided to hook up with the Canadian Slim Shady to relieve yourself?" Diane arches an eyebrow. "I hope you know that, from where I stand, this doesn't make a lick of sense." She pushes back loose curls from her face. "And why the hell was Vivian so disturbed by the sight of you two? The way she flew out of here, it was like she never walked in on someone having sex." She pauses. "No wait: guilt was written all over your face when you looked at her. What were you so guilty about? It's not like it was Alex who caught you."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." I reply.

"Queenie..."

"What? Soon none of this is going to matter anymore!" I snap.

My sister frowns at me, her dark, glossy eyes telling me that she's hurt by my remark. "That's your motto for every reckless thing you do." She says quietly.

"Well, isn't it true?" I say. My heart begins to pound as I think of the near future.

"For you, anyway." Diane sighs. "I bet you haven't talked to Vivian yet, have you?"

"How can I?" I can feel tears filling my eyes. "She's already going through a lot: she's still getting over her mother's death!"

"Oh." Diane says.

"Telling her about something that's just as traumatic..."

"Would you rather her find out for herself? Would that be healthy for Vivian? Your friend?" Diane asks.

"I've got to be the world's most horrible friend right now." A single tear slides down my cheek.

"I know it'll be hard for the both of you, but you really need to do this soon." My sister tells me. "It's a lot better than keeping this silent." She reaches over and wipes the tear from my eye.

"It's so weird when you act affectionate." I say.

"Love you too, Queenie." Diane rises from the bed. "You really should put some pants on." She walks out of my room and closes the door behind her.

I stare at the door, the weight of my heart gluing me to the spot. The last thing I want to do is keep my sister in the dark about Jay, but I promised Vivian I wouldn't say anything about Jay and the park. If I had admitted that Vivian was upset about me being with Jay, she would've asked more questions.

Vivian doesn't know why I did this, but I did it for her. She won't understand that until she goes back to school tomorrow.

Trust me, Vivian. I would never do something like this to hurt you on purpose. You know that.

I lie back down on the bed with new tears in my eyes. Even though there's a good chance that I lost my best friend, it was worth it; not because I had my moment with Jay, but because of the consequences that will follow.

I just need to get people talking about this. People like gossip-especially high school students. That's what I want.

An image of Vivian crying suddenly enters my mind, similar to the time she broke down in the library a couple weeks ago. I briskly shake it away.

Everything will become clear soon, Vivian. I think as if my best friend can hear my thoughts.

I promise.*

Hmm...what does Queenie have to hide?