XX. When Things Fall Apart
"This isn't the person I met a month ago."
I told Rick not to come in until I knew that dad was gone.
He had to leave due to his job, and that always occupies his time. When Rick called me on my cell phone, he assured me that my dad wouldn't recognize his new car; a standard, deep green five-person vehicle. "It's completely different from the granite mini-van my mother owns." He told me over the phone.
"Good." I replied.
Immediately after I ended the conversation with Rick, dad came into my room. "Unfortunately I'll be gone for a few hours. Do you want to call a friend to keep you company while I'm away?"
"Taken care of." I reply.
"Okay." He says curtly. "See you later, dear." He walks away, leaving the door to my bedroom open.
"Bye." I call after him. I don't know if he'll even acknowledge our little feud we had earlier. Good. I don't want to either.
As I listen to the front door downstairs open and close, I dial Rick again.
"Hello?"
"My dad's leaving." I look out of the window in my bedroom, which gives me a view of the front yard. Dad's climbing into the driver seat of the mini-van that he decided to park outside of the garage. Guess he knew he had to go someplace else.
"Okay. I'm just around the corner." He replies.
"See you in a few." I say and shut my phone closed. I walk over to my mirror and check over myself: white skirt with red tights and a matching sweater. I have my dark hair parted on my left side and have it neatly swept over my shoulders. Should I put on eyeliner? I think to myself. Why? It's only Rick. He's seen you at your best and your worst. I shake my head. I decide to do it anyway just to practice the craft of putting on the right amount. Occasionally I looked at my mom when she used to spend time in the mirror. She never coated her face in makeup, but she still painted herself thoroughly, and dad would always yell from a distance "You don't need that damn junk on your face!" I chuckle at the memory.
As soon as I border my eyes with black, bringing out the brown in my eyes, the doorbell rings. Heart leaping, I grab my backpack and hurry down the stairs. I slowly approach the front door and stand on my toes to look through the peep hole. I get a glimpse of Rick gazing at the house. My stomach knots. He's actually here. I haven't seen him since my dad whisked me away from his bed the other night. I swallow, exhale and finally open the door.
He stands for a few seconds smiling at me, wearing his standard gray jacket over his black and white checked button down. His shoulder-length hair is tousled by the wind. "Hi." He says. "It's good to see you." He moves in with open arms, and I willingly embrace him. I feel tingles crawling down my spine as I let Rick envelope me in his warmth. One of his hands rubs my back in circles.
Finally I step back. "Wanna come in?" I step a side.
"Of course." I watch as Rick steps into the house, and I close the door after him. He walks into the family area and sits down on the couch. "I hope you don't mind." He smiles at me.
"You're always welcome here." I can't stop myself from smiling. "Do you want anything to drink?"
"No, no. All I want is to talk to you." He pats the space next to him. "Join me?"
"Sure." I sit in the space he indicated. "Why weren't you in school today?"
"I, um, had some business to take care of." Rick leans forward resting his elbows on his legs. "It's complicated."
"I know complicated, Rick." I say.
"I know you do. Now why don't you tell me what's hurting you."
I freeze as I look at Rick. "What?" The word barely leaves my lips.
"I know something's wrong, Vivian." Rick's voice deepens. "Over the phone it's easy to notice emotions in just the tone of one's voice."
"How?" I say. "What did I ask you that gave you any hint that something might have been bothering me?"
"It's not what you asked," Rick answers, "but how you asked it."
"Fine: I'll give you that one." I reply. "Still I don't think I sounded..."
"Vivian," Rick sits up and reaches for one of my hands, "Remember that time when you cried about your mother, or how about the time you were sitting outside Ms. Sauve's office? You didn't tell me anything then, and you still haven't now."
I glare back at him.
"Th-this will stay between you and me. I promise." Rick touches my shoulder with his other hand. "Please talk to me." He strokes my fingers with his thumb.
I briskly shake my head. "I can't."
"Yes you can." Rick scoots closer. "You can tell your friend."
My heart pounds. "It's like what you said." My voice pitch heightens. "It's complicated. I don't know how I can explain this."
"Just try, okay?" Rick leans in, and I gasp softly as he gently presses his lips against my forehead in a long, warm kiss.
"Please, Rick, don't..."
"What's wrong? Is it that I kissed you?" Rick says to me. "I'm sorry."
"No. I mean...I don't know what I'm saying..." I look away. Suddenly I can't talk to Rick? When did this happen?
"I feel like I'm making you uncomfortable." I look back at Rick when he speaks. "Would you rather I leave? "
This must be a record for how many times I've cried today. Tears well up again. "No. I wanted you to come. I just...I don't know if you'll look at me the same after I tell you this." A tear streams down my cheek.
"What is it?" Rick holds both of my shoulders. "I hate seeing you upset. Tell me what's wrong." His voice is soft and gentle.
I wipe the tear away. "I saw Queenie today, and she was...with Jay."
Rick squints. "What?"
"Yeah." I reply. "It probably wouldn't have bothered me as much if that whole thing out in the park wouldn't have happened."
"What happened that day?"
I draw in a breath. "Promise you won't tell anyone else this?"
"I won't tell a soul." Rick lays his hand on mine.
I look at him. He did tell me about Terri, and that was none of my business. Now I'll open up to him.
"When I asked for my locket back, Jay wanted me to..." I hesitate, "...to have sex with him."
Rick widens his eyes slightly through his glare. He opens his mouth to speak, but words don't leave his mouth. "Did you want to?"
"No." I respond immediately.
"He raped you?" Rick's voice softens into a husky whisper. He's almost ghost pale in the face.
"No no! He tried to though. He...started kissing me and groping me, and..." I hesitate again.
"What else did he do to you?" Rick presses.
"He...well, for a moment I kind of let him do it so I could catch him off guard. It worked: I slapped him away and was able to get my locket back."
I whip out the locket from under my shirt. "Then he started to act aggressive and was trying to force himself on me, but I was able to get away before he could take any of my clothes off." I wonder if Rick can hear my heart beating inside my chest.
He stares at me with a heavy, sorrowful gaze. "You had been hiding this from me all this time and never mentioned a word of it?"
"I hate talking about it." Briskly I blink away any tears threatening to fall. "The whole thing with Jay is so stupid, but it's been such a bother having to worry about him harassing me."
"I had no idea that was happening to you." Rick scoots closer, basically repeating himself from before. "None. I don't like the way Jay treats you, me or anyone he runs into. He needs to be stopped." His voice lowers to a darker tone.
I've been looking downward until Rick's last statement, and I hold my head up to see him scowling. "What do you mean by that?" I don't hide my suspicion.
"Nothing." He responds immediately.
"Rick, don't lie to me." I harden my voice.
Rick flinches upon this, then sighs. "Sorry. I'm just-someone needs to show him that he doesn't have power like he thinks he does."
"First off, Jay doesn't have power over anyone, no matter how bad-ass he likes to think he is," I argue, "and second, I'm just flustered by how difficult it is to fend him off being that we're both smaller than he is." I sigh. "If I were his size, he would be nothing more than a nick in my side, but he's a little more intimidating when you're under five feet."
Rick chuckles. "You're right. Well, on your behalf that is; I feel like I could fight him with much more ease than you."
"Like the way you have been recently, right?" I cross my arms.
Rick's face falls. It's like I slapped him across his face.
I burst out laughing. "Rick, Rick, I was joking! Relax." I playfully slap his arm. "You're so serious all the time."
A wide-mouthed Rick smiles back. "Ah, I beg to differ. I can be rather mischievous when the time calls for it."
"That'll be the day." I smirk.
"Would it?" He returns the smirk.
"It would. It's been way too hard on you at Degrassi for you to-"
"Wait. Hold still." Rick holds his hand out, and his gaze is focused on a sight above me.
"Huh? What?" I squint at him.
Rick leans in closer. "I think there's a spider in your hair."
"AHHHH!" In an instant I leap into the air screeching and scrub at my hair with both hands. I bend over in order for the spider to fall out. That's when I hear a sound of muffled laughter coming from Rick and lift my head up slowly. By the time I'm standing up straight he falls over on the couch and releases his laugh full force.
At first I stare in wonder: his laugh comes out high-pitched and quick, almost like Mickey Mouse's voice, as it fills the air around us. It's the first time I've ever heard Rick laugh hysterically. Ever. He takes off his glasses and covers his face with his hands in an attempt to hold composure miserably. I stare in awe for a few more seconds, then remember the reason why he's laughing.
"You jerk!" I reach for a pillow on the couch and hurl it at him. It hits him in the stomach, and he sits up abruptly, a mock expression of surprise on his face.
"That was very violent for you, Vivian." He says in a cool tone, staring at me with a vacant expression.
"Well I didn't find that stunt you pulled very funny." I stick my tongue out at him. "I guess we're even now, huh?"
"I don't think so." Before I can react, Rick lunges at me, grabbing me by the waist, and then I shriek as he pushes me down onto the couch on my back. To my astonishment, he moves on top of me-straddling me, before he starts to tickle me.
"Stoppit!" I chuckle, squirming underneath him as his fingers move across my body.
"What was that?" Rick teases, crawling his fingers up and down my sides.
I giggle uncontrollably. "Rick!" He tickles me under my chin, and I laugh loudly. Rick laughs as well. I grab his arms and try to push him back, but his fingers still glide on my body, and he tickles the bends in my legs, then moves up to my thighs. I let out a shriek in the middle of laughing.
"You're so cute." Rick muses. I reach for his hands, but he dodges every time, finding a new spot to tickle me. "You're going to have to do better than that to stop me."
"C'mon! Quit it!" I cry while laughing.
"Hmm, where are you most ticklish?" Rick ignores my cry and proceeds with his task, this time around my shoulders. "You won't be nearly as squeamish with this sweater you're wearing. But if I do this..." Gradually one of his hands crawls under the hem of my shirt.
This new gesture-his fingers on my bare skin-sends shock waves to my brain. I gasp instead of giggle and widen my eyes at Rick. He slowly loses his grin as he concentrates on his hand that's now resting on my lower belly: a warm and gentle, but unexpected. I flinch as he moves it slowly over my stomach in a vertical motion. He presses down softly with his fingers while running them rhythmically over the surface of my skin. At this moment I shift uncomfortably underneath him.
"Don't move away." He says softly as he presses more of his weight on me. He continues to massage my belly and glides his hand further up my sweater. I find myself petrified as he proceeds. My heart flutters violently as he moves dreadfully close to my breasts. And it just so happens that I'm not wearing a bra. What are the odds of this? I try and reach for one of his hands, but Rick grabs it with his own hand and moves his other around to my back, causing me to wiggle. "Please don't." He caresses a section of my skin that would have been otherwise covered by my bra.
Why is he being so touchy? As Rick's thumb moves underneath my left breast, I gasp again. I don't recognize the sound as my own voice. "Rick, you're way too close..." Goosebumps prickle across my skin, and I shiver a little. "Rick, stop." I reach for his hands again. This isn't the person I met a month ago.
I feel a shift in Rick's weight on top of me, and when I look up at him, I see that his face is directly above mine. His brown eyes are shiny and powerful as he looks down at me. He places his other hand on the side of my face, his movements slow and steady.
"Rick," I say timidly, "what are you doing?"
"I don't know." He replies, matching the volume of my voice. "I'm... sorry. I should have asked you if it was okay for me to touch you like this."
Now he's concerned. "I-it's alright." I say robotically, my voice raised a pitch.
Rick slowly comes in close and softly kisses my forehead. That wasn't a response I was expecting. I can't breathe.
"I didn't mean for this to happen." He sighs.
"Didn't mean... for what to happen?"
"I-I'm falling for you, Vivian." Rick answers. "I was only trying to prove everyone wrong coming back to Degrassi. I didn't expect to be treated so badly. I especially didn't expect anyone would have such compassion to be friends with me, like you, Emma and Toby have. But I can't help how much I like you. This was never a part of the plan. I'm sorry, Vivian. I can't help what I'm feeling. ..." The way he's staring at me, and so intensely...why can't I place an adjective on his expression? His brown eyes are boring into me. I watch as he glances over my entire body.
Why is he staring at me like that? And did he just confess to crushing on me? Only a few minutes ago I would have been over the moon; out of my head that Rick would say something even remotely close to this, but now, looking up at him, being straddled by him...
"I have to keep you."
Suddenly the right word comes to mind: Hunger. Then synonyms: Desire, craving. The words are condensed as I look into Rick's eyes. I can see them all floating around in his dark eyes.
"I have to keep you, Vivian." He repeats the phrase, and I shiver. I try shifting myself, but Rick's weight is pressed against me so tightly that I barely succeed. Rick is oblivious. "You're all I have...to prove that I'm not a monster." His face is only a couple inches above mine, and I can feel his breath brushing against my skin.
"Rick, please...could you move from off of me?" I say gently.
I guess he doesn't hear me because the next thing he does confuses the hell out of the me.
He kisses me. On the lips.
It happens so suddenly, but slowly at the same time. His mouth covers mine completely, and he presses his lips gently against mine. Impulsively my eyes close, and I let him continue to venture his mouth over my own. I didn't expect his kiss to feel so...there are so many words to choose from: soft, moist, delicate, warm. I can feel my entire body growing warm as if there's a fireplace burning deep within me. Being as cautious as possible, I kiss him back with the same delicacy and gently wrap my arms around him. I feel Rick's hands returning the gesture, and he shifts us so that we're lying side-by-side on the couch.
Finally I pull away and look at Rick. His eyes are wider, but the same look of hunger remains. "I only asked for you to get off of me." I smile awkwardly.
"Well, didn't I?" Rick holds my face in his hands and kisses me again. "Your lips are so soft." He pauses in between the kiss. This time I flinch because his movements are so quick. He presses a little stronger this time, and moves a bit quicker that it takes me a second to synchronize with him. He then presses me against him; his hands remain on my hips. Suddenly, his right hand begins to move up underneath my sweater again, and I wriggle in response. When this doesn't cause Rick to move away, I reach for his hand with my own, but instead he ignores it and continues to move it further up my sweater.
"Rick." I move out of the kiss. "Don't." I try and move away from him, but his other arm is locked tightly around my waist. My heart begins beating dangerously again.
"It's alright. I promise." Rick brings me back for another kiss on the lips, but his hand keeps going further up my sweater. I try and pull away, but his arm won't give. "Rick, let me go." I say, reaching for his other arm. As I pry his arm loose, however, his other hand succeeds in groping my breast. I shriek. "Stoppit!"
Suddenly Rick releases me as I'm pulling back, and I fall off the couch and hit the floor, landing on my bottom.
"Vivian!" He sits up abruptly. "I'm really sorry, Vivian. I got carried away." He holds his hand out, but I slap it away as I climb to my feet.
All I can do is look at him with a hammering heart in my chest. "What-what's gotten into you?" I back away from the couch. "I kept telling you to stop. Why wouldn't you listen to me?" The goosebumps return, and I'm suddenly imagining myself out in the park with Jay. How is this the same thing...?
"Please, Vivian. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be so persistent, I promise. I just was...caught up in the moment." Rick moves towards me.
I stand up and back away farther. I look at Rick to see him standing too. He appears alarmed and hurt at the same time. Am I looking at the Rick that Terri knew?
"Vivian, please believe me." Rick moves closer still. "You're one of the few people who understands me. Don't turn against me."
"Were you even listening to me when I told you what happened between me and Jay?" I say impulsively. My eyes are stinging with tears. "He was did the same thing."
Now I know I hit a nerve: Rick's eyes widen at this. "Are you saying that I'm no different from Jay?" His voice is barely above a whisper.
"No! No, you're different, but...you made the same mistake. You did, and I don't appreciate that." I say.
"And I'm telling you that I'm sorry." Rick reaches for my hands. "I'm not the same person I was before I met you. I can promise you that." He squeezes my hands. "I'm not. I can't have you turn against me too."
"I'm not turning against you, Rick." I move my hands away. "I just don't think we're ready for this right now."
"Of course we are." Rick reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "You're the reason why I come to Degrassi everyday. You're so beautiful and kind and generous, Vivian. I don't wanna lose that."
"You won't lose me I promise." I say. "We don't need to be in a relationship for us to be good friends."
"We can try again." Rick says. "Please."
Inwardly I sigh in irritation. He doesn't get it, sadly. "I'm sorry, Rick, but I don't want us to try again. I just think you need more time, and if you don't think so, then it's me who needs more time. Either way, just not now." My tears come back. "I need you to understand where I'm coming from, Rick. Please?"
Rick stares at me, frowning in despair. I stare at him back even with tears mucking my vision. "Okay, Vivian." He says calmly in a low voice. "I guess I'll leave now." He grabs his messenger bag and turns to head for the door.
"Drive safely." I call after him.
He pauses at the door and turns only half way around to nod. "Will do." He opens the door and shuts it.
I can feel the tension in the air that he left behind, and his final look of devastation is one that I will never forget. You did what you had to do.
The somber feeling doesn't help the situation though. I just sit there on the couch alone and cry. There's no one left to comfort me. No Queenie, no Rick.