Since my entries have been spaced out over such a long period of time, I've provided a little timeline to serve as a guide throughout the story.

From Chapters 10 'til recent, the series of events have taken place in just one week:

Monday: (10-14): Vivian and the well accident

Tuesday: (15-16): Vivian fights with Queenie and reminisces about the previous night with Rick

Wednesday (17-20):Vivian catches Queenie with Jay before she spends the afternoon alone with Rick

Thursday (21-23): Rick wants to make up with Vivian after previous night's incident

I hope this helps you out! Now here's the rest of Thursday! :)

XXIV. Her Decision/What He Won't Forget

Rick Murray

These five minutes, FIVE measly minutes, could not go by slower. I'm tapping my foot anxiously as I wait for the bell to ring. To talk to Vivian. And get her back.

Due to the wrestle between Alex and Queenie, our class lab assignment changed to book work. I finished it long ago, so now I'm holding a book that I can't read in my hand. I can't stop thinking about Vivian. Just hearing her name gives me chills, and the thought of seeing her face, hearing her smooth voice, smelling her hair...it's too much to handle.

I have a place in mind where Vivian and I could go in order to have the most privacy away from these disgusting people. A local restaurant a little ways out and closer towards the suburbs is what I had in mind. Just she and I alone...music to my ears.

Vivian came in late today due to her visit from the nurse, meaning less time to see her pretty face. I'll surprise her with our little retreat so as long as she has time to come with me; as always, I'll bring her back home safely.

The most beautiful sound echoes around the entire classroom: the school bell. I'm finally free from this hell they call a school. Every hour drags on in a year's worth of time day after day. Today, without much time with Vivian, it felt twice as long. But it's over now, and I'm going to spend the next hour or so with the person that I care about most.

"Alright, where do you wanna talk?"

I jump at the sound of Vivian's voice and look up to see her wearing her new, blank expression.

"Um... do you mind if we go out to a different place? I have a restaurant in mind."

"You want to go to The Dot?" Vivian looks puzzled. "But what happened to you last time..."

"Of course not The Dot. I go to a private one a little ways out called Edna's." I smirk. "You'll never guess who the owner is."

This gets a chuckle out of Vivian, and I start to relax. "Never heard of it."

"You'll like it I promise, and I'll take you home right after." I hold out my hand. "Agreed?"

Vivian stares down at my hand, then looks up at me. I feel myself become as rigid as a gargoyle while she looks me in the eyes, she and her unwavering, scrutinizing gaze. At last she accompanies my hand with her own. "Agreed." She gives it a firm squeeze.

It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my back. "Fantastic. I'll meet you at the assistant principal's office by the side entrance. There's a glass window that's boarded up-"

"I know." Vivian smiles. "I sit there every morning to read."

"Really? I sit there after school everyday to do the same." Great minds think alike.

"Is it peaceful during after school hours?"

"Oh absolutely." I reply. "And in the mornings?"

"You bet." Vivian winks at me. "I'll see you there."

"You will." I grab my messenger bag from the shelf by the doorway and observe the student population in the hallway. I can usually tell by the number of students in the halls when it's safe for me to head to my locker. I have to scope out the scene to avoid unnecessary confrontations with scum bags such as...well, I know who they are.

"You shouldn't have to be afraid to walk to your locker." Once again I jump at Vivian's voice. I can never hear her coming! "Just walk out there with your head held high."

"Tried that once. It doesn't-"

"Keep trying then." Vivian insists. "Eventually they'll get the picture that you're not going anywhere because you have nothing to be ashamed of-anymore."

I shake my head. M'lady, if you only knew.

"I need for you to listen to every word I'm saying, Vivian, okay?" I ask.

"I'm listening." Vivian is firm in her response.

Together we sit at a table for two inside of Edna's: a combination of a cafe and gelato shop. I paid for the two of us: I ordered my usual coffee, light on sugar, and Vivian decided to try some of the chocolate flavored gelato. Milk chocolate, she chooses, as it matches her complexion. I decided to make this moment all about spoiling Vivian as I let her choose the table and pulled out the chair for her.

This is the moment I had been waiting for. To make things right between she and I, and have her back. "I know what you're thinking, Vivian. That I've never changed from last year since that...stunt I pulled, for a lack of better words, but I promise you that it's far from the truth. I'm different, Vivian, I am, and I am so sorry that I made you believe otherwise yesterday evening. Please...don't punish me for this."

Vivian nods briskly, and she stares me down much like she did in class. "That wasn't what I was thinking, Rick. I know you're not the same person from last year; you would have lost your temper long ago. No, I was thinking that maybe the two of us together...we're not compatible. At least not now."

I frown in thought. She's basically spitting back what she told me the other day. "Why don't you think we're compatible? Did you never want us to be together?"

Vivian sighs. "I'll start with your second question. Rick, when I ran into you for the first time, quite literally-" she chuckles here, and so do I "-I saw a guy who was suffering through Degrassi day after day. Slowly, as I got to know you better, I grew fond of how sincere you were, and admired how determined you were-and still are, to show people how much you've changed." She holds her hand out towards me, and I take it. "Rick, why would I ever think badly about you? You helped me out of that well, you saved me from drowning. That really makes it difficult, like REALLY difficult, for me to hate you." She caresses my hand with her fingers, and I shiver. "Where do I begin with how kind you are to me? I could go on forever about the many times you kept me company, but I need to get to my point."

She smiles at me. "Long story short, yes: the more I started to like you, the more I wanted us to be together. I had never met a guy who was so patient with me, especially considering the recent loss of my mother. I found you so comforting."

My heart is swollen. I knew it. She does love me.

"But up until yesterday afternoon, when we..." she hesitates, "...kissed, and you..." She looks down at her gelato. She doesn't finish. "We just can't, Rick. Neither of us are ready."

The cold returns to my body. Probably because she released my hand sometime during our conversation, probably because of what she just said. "I don't understand why you'd say that. I'm completely ready to move on with my life and finally take a chance at being happy."

Vivian squints at me. She looks like she's...appalled at what I just told her. "If you're really being honest with what you just said, that you truly don't understand why I'm telling you this, then I really don't think you're ready to be in another relationship."

The words she just said: they actually HURT me. Never would I imagine that Vivian would be the one...

"I'm sorry if that sounded harsh," She says immediately after, "but do you not understand how serious what you did was?"

"Of course I do!" I say. "I got carried away, and I'm sorry about it."

"What if that happens again, Rick? What if you keep getting carried away and apologize? What if you say it won't happen again, but you continue to lose control of yourself anyway?"

"I won't, Vivian." I say sternly. "Listen to me: if it meant getting myself beat up by Spinner, Jay, and Jimmy at the same time, I would do everything in my power to be with you and make sure that wouldn't happen again."

I notice Vivian biting her lip. She looks at me with a look of despair. Vivian... "I wish I could believe you." She says.

The feeling of being stabbed in the heart returns. "Why don't you?" I can't lose her. I won't lose her.

I move from my seat and come over to her side of the table. I watch her expression change from one of skeptical to that of bewilderment as I join her in the booth. "Please, Vivian." I hold out my hands, and she looks down at them before she slowly places hers in mine. Such warmth I feel radiating from them. "You're different than our classmates. You care. You're considerate of my feelings." I bring her hand close and kiss it delicately. "And you were always concerned about my well-being." I kiss her other hand. "I don't want to lose you, Vivian."

The tension between us is causing our hands to sweat. Upon recognition, Vivian withdraws hers, and I feel her warmth leaving me. She smiles nervously at me. "You won't lose me, Rick. We've been over this before." She looks down at her lap. "I don't see how you're still questioning me."

Every word stings, but I hear her out.

"Do you remember what you said to me that afternoon? You said that you have to keep me. What did you mean by that?"

I freeze. The entire time I had been traveling on adrenaline. Drunkenly I was exploring her body and only remember communicating with her with my lips over hers. In fact, if Vivian had never mentioned it, I would have never recalled saying it. But I do recall it, and I have to come up with an explanation for why I said it.

"I was so caught up in the moment, Vivian. I'm sorry if I offended you." It's pathetic, but better than nothing.

"It's more than that." Vivian stares down at her lap. Her eyes travel to another place. "The way you were sitting on top of me...I felt powerless over my own body, in my own home." She looks up at me. "You held me in a position where, whatever you might have wanted to do to me, I couldn't fight my way out of it if I tried." I can see fear in her eyes again, or apprehension at the very least.

I stiffen even more. I was holding her in place pretty firmly. It doesn't take much for someone her size to be overpowered I guess. "You're right." I say. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Did...Did you...," Vivian hesitates, "were you the same way with your other girlfriends? Did you lose control of yourself in the spur of the moment?"

"Vivian," I take one of her hands with the two of mine, "this is nothing like before. I was driven by rage and the need to justify it even though my way of doing so was the wrong way to do it. With you last night, Vivian, my only intention was to show you how much I cared about you." I move one of my hands to the side of her smooth face. "That hasn't changed, Vivian." I brush my hand down her cheek. "I...I love you. I know it hasn't been that long since I met you, but it's true all the same." Saying it makes it all the more true.

I can feel her trembling as she stares wide-eyed at me. She opens her mouth, but no sound escapes.

"It's okay. I don't expect you to say it back." How badly I want to kiss her! "You just have to know that you were perfectly safe with me yesterday."

I watch her lip quiver. The thing that makes me feel the most remorse is seeing Vivian cry. I'll never forget the first time I saw her fall a part. I brought her into my house and learned the hard way that she lost her mother, and I impulsively massaged her shoulders. Poor Vivian: she had to be only thirteen when her mother died...

My lightbulb clicks. This is about her mother! Her death paralyzed her, and now she's afraid of losing someone else that's close to her. How did I miss this before?

"Rick..." she nearly chokes on my name. Her eyes glisten.

"Shhhh. It's okay. Don't cry." I place my hand on her small back and begin to rub her.

"I- I don't know if I'm ready...I really want to, but..." A tear rolls down her right cheek. Quickly she wipes it away as if she hadn't realized she was crying.

"C'mere." With the hand on her back, I bring her close to me and wrap my other arm around her. She hesitates before hugging me back and lying her head against my shoulder. I give her a firm squeeze, and she relaxes against me. She smells so good... I smell her hair again and loose myself in her scent, fighting the strong urge to kiss her.

Instead I put my mouth against her ear. "I know that what's bothering you is something you're not telling me, Vivian. I'm here to listen, okay?" I rub her back again.

Vivian backs out of our hug."It's my mom, Rick."

"What is it? Are you still...traumatized by her death?"

"Unfortunately. Yeah." Vivian stares into space. "She...Rick, I don't understand why she..." Two more tears spill down her face. "I can't talk about this." A sob escapes her lips.

I put my hand on her shoulder. "Do you wanna go somewhere else to talk about it? We can go out to the car if you want."

She nods swiftly, wiping her tears away. "That would help."

With one hand on her back, I guide Vivian out of the cafe and towards my green little car in the parking lot. I head for the passenger door and help her climb in, then follow suit as I reach the driver's side.

I watch as Vivian wraps her arms around her legs, which are curled up against her, and rests her chin on top of her knees. "I'm really sorry that I'm out of it, Rick. This Edna's place was a great time, I promise." She looks over at me.

"All I care about is that you tell me what's hurting you." I hate seeing her in pain. Unlike me, Vivian doesn't deserve this suffering day after day.

Vivian hides her face in her lap for a few seconds before she sits up. She stares out of the dashboard. "You wanna know why we moved here from Chicago?"

I can feel my heart pounding. She's going to open up to me! "Why?"

Vivian sighs before she continues. "You already guessed it: we couldn't continue living in a place where a wife and mother was no longer with us. Chicago was filled with her memories. Nothing was the same. Every place I knew became a spot filled with nothing but visions of her. She was so involved in Vince and I's lives that when she died..." she pauses, "it was like we fell from one hundred to zero."

She turns to face me. "We could have moved to any other place in the states. The most reasonable option in the country was to move to Rhode Island, closer to Vince's school so he wouldn't have to travel such a long distance home, but since my father's sales job has him moving around a lot, we chose to move here to Toronto. Usually whenever he travels, especially now, he's usually moving around the upper-east coast, so he's never away from home for more than two days at a time."

I thought I recognized the business attire that Mr. Graham always wore. My father is also a salesman, but he's never at home. I thank God for that everyday. "But couldn't you have stayed in the United States?"

"We could have," Vivian replies, "but that's part two of my story."

My heart beats faster. "There's more?"

"A lot more." Her body language is changing. She went from being withdrawn to comfortable, and now she's become tense. I notice her biting the left corner of her mouth, and her hands are squeezing her thighs. "We tried to make it work: living on without her. For about a year we lived our lives as normally as we could...well, for a family who lost one of its members. For most of my freshman year in high school I was fine; I mean I cried a lot, but who wouldn't after just losing her mom? But then in April earlier this year..."

She looks away from me. Her eyes go beyond the parking lot, beyond Edna's, beyond any time in the present.

"Vivian?" Wherever she is, the horror of it is petrifying her.

Suddenly her breathing becomes audible. Shaky. Rapid. She grabs the seat with a death grip.

"What's wrong? Vivian." Is she having a panic attack? I've never seen her like this before. "Vivian, look at me."

Just like that, she breaks down. "Why would she do that?! I don't understand why she would leave us like that!" She sobs violently: her shoulders shake, and her breathing is hitched.

My instincts possess me, and before I know it, I find myself climbing over the seat, taking Vivian in my arms and holding her in my lap.

"No." She struggles against me for a few seconds, but I hold her tight and press my cheek against her head. She finally caves and collapses against my chest, wrapping her arms around my middle. She squeezes me with such strength that it hurts, but I return it, being weary of hurting her.

Her sobs shake the both of us no matter how tightly I hold her in place. She's had it rough too. I can feel her warm, sticky tears soaking my shirt, and a thorn of remorse pierces me. It feels as if I somehow added on to her grief by simply existing. Me and my stupid reputation. Why are you, sweet Vivian, of all people, suffering so horribly? I'm beginning to regret this entire idea of trying to win back Vivian's trust and pressuring her, now to the point of tears, into dating me.

Stop whining, you stupid ass.

It's my internal voice. My conscience. The one that sounds like my father. He would say that to me if I complained too much about...well, anything.

You have Vivian in your arms, now Take advantage of the situation.

And that's what I do. "It's alright, Vivian." I say gently and run my fingers through her big, bushy ponytail. I'm amazed at how soft it feels. Caressing her hair then turns into rocking her, squeezing her until she stops crying. Soon she becomes a relaxed body against mine, but I keep rubbing her back gradually. She's so warm! And soft. And, God, her hair! I bend my head and bury my face in her hair, inhaling her shampoo.

Before I can stop myself, I plant a long, delicate kiss on her soft tresses. Then I kiss her hair again. And again: the same way each time.

"I'm not finished." Vivian lifts her head up, and I see the tear stains trailing from her now red eyes. "I owe you a full explanation."

I squint. She's determined to tell me the truth. I'm surprised that she didn't back away from my kisses sooner. She doesn't even acknowledge that I even did it. "Your mom left you? Then she died? At least that's what I got before you broke down."

"No." Vivian shakes her head. "She...She had...there was a gun..." Again, her sight travels beyond the eye-can-see. "There was so much blood, Rick. I never knew that a person could bleed so much from just one wound!" She leans against my shoulder again. "She did it to herself, Rick! Herself!" She starts sobbing again. "I saw her there. I was the first to see her like that, and every time I close my eyes I still see her!"

I stiffen. It feels as if Jay punched me in the stomach. Her mom committed suicide?! How does Vivian have the motivation to stay on top of anything? And she's not angry or bitter at anyone? I may have hurt another person, and maybe I'm paying the price for it by returning to Degrassi, but Vivian has it a lot rougher, I think, than I do.

"Okay, I'm done crying about this." Vivian breaks away from me. "We made such a drastic change in location because I would continue to have nightmares about my mom bleeding to death. That's why I'm here."

She moves out of my lap. "It seemed to be working. Focusing on adjusting to a new life and learning the curriculum and meeting new people kept my mind preoccupied, but now they've come back, and worse than before."

"Vivian..." All of this is new information. "I'm sorry. That must have been awful to go through when you were only thirteen."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Vivian retorts. "Well, not anything related to my tragedy anyway. This year was supposed to be all about reclaiming my life. Owning what little control I had was so important to me, is important to me, and when you decided to hold me down the way you did, Rick, you made me feel physically what I had been feeling emotionally since my nightmares returned: helpless." She stares at me with glaring eyes: full of pain and exhaustion.

I look at her, at a loss of words. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? I would have done anything to help you through your nightmares."

Vivian holds my shoulder. "There's nothing you can or could have done that would stop them. I just have to learn how to deal with them until they go away. I've been seeing Ms. Sauvé about them and listening to her advice. My dad wants me to see a psychiatrist about them, but I really don't want to."

She smiles at me. "Even though you can't help me at a professional level, doesn't mean you haven't been helpful at all. Thank you isn't enough to express how grateful I am that I have you as a friend, Rick. You're so patient and calm whenever I wig out, and you are always open for a hug whenever I need one. You're a good person, Rick, and you mean well; I would never think less of you, but right now I could use just a friend." She massages my shoulder. "I know we have been closer than that, but I really do need some space before I jump into something else that'll stress me out more, even if it would be good stress." She winks at me.

I give her a faint smile. My hopes of getting into a relationship with her (at least for now) have been sunk. But now I understand why she's afraid to get too close to anyone. Poor Vivian. How will she get herself out of this? Why would her mother all of sudden decide to kill herself? Maybe that's why Vivian is so crushed by her tragedy. "I understand." I force myself to say.

Vivian dozes off while I drive her back home, and I take the time to think about everything that happened between us this afternoon. Vivian only said that she didn't want to be in a relationship right now. It doesn't mean that she doesn't like me. I grow warm as I recall telling her that I loved her. Maybe she doesn't feel it as strongly as I do; maybe she's distanced herself from ever loving someone else so passionately because she's afraid of losing them too.

As I pull into the driveway of Vivian's house, she wakes up and unfastens her seat belt. "Rick?"

"Hmm?"

"Walk me to the door?"

"Of course." I climb out of the car and walk over to the passenger side to open Vivian's door.

She gently places her hand in mine as she climbs out of her seat, and I close the door behind her before we walk side by side, up the stairs to the patio, and in front of Vivian's front door.

"Is your dad home?" I ask her.

She shakes her head. "He won't be long though." She faces me. "Thanks so much for understanding what I'm going through. I hope you don't think I'm taking this out on you."

"Never." I reply.

"Can you promise something?" Vivian steps closer. She speaks so softly I almost miss it.

"Anything for you, m'lady." The blood runs cold through my veins.

"Don't wait for me."

"What?"

"Go on living your life." Vivian replies.

"I don't follow you." I say.

"I think you do." Vivian folds her arms across her chest. "Listen to me: I don't know when I'll be ready to take that next step, and I don't need you to put your life on hold just for me to do so. You also have so much stuff going on in your life, and you should really take this time to focus on that."

What she's saying...the way she's saying it..."Are you...breaking up with me?"

"Rick," Vivian looks away from me. "No, I can't do that...not if we weren't together to begin with."

She's stomping on my heart right now. "So yesterday with us..."

"-Was very special." She finishes. "Until...look, you're important to me, Rick, and like I said, that will never change, but I need you more as a friend right now than a boyfriend. That's not a bad thing."

I slide my hands in my pockets as they start to tremble. "It doesn't feel that way."

A look of remorse fills her eyes as she looks back at me. Then she starts to move closer to me, leaving no space in between us. She slides her finger underneath my chin, and holds my face in her soft hands.

And she kisses my lips.

Instantly I can taste the chocolate gelato lingering there from Edna's, and I cover her mouth with my own, wrapping my arms around her waist to devour her lips. One thing after another happens: Vivian's hands lock around my neck, then move into my hair. I give her hips a little squeeze, and I syncopate the rhythm of our kisses.

It's like last night all over again. Our conversation has been swept under the rug, and I'm lost in the world of Vivian's sweet lips. Each kiss weakens me bit by bit and fills my otherwise cold, hollow soul. My desire is being fueled, and the only thing passing through my mind is her name over and over again. My tongue soaks up the flavor of her lips as I open my mouth and let it glide over them. Vivian too opens her mouth, and I drown in her. The moment our tongues greet each other, I taste more of the gelato. Her breath breathes warmth into my body and, and I absorb the passion she's feeding into me.

After several seconds of holding lips, we release at the same time, and her warmth leaves me as abruptly as it came. "Please don't be sad." Vivian presses her forehead against mine. "I'll still help you get through Degrassi the way you're helping get through my grief, okay?" She wraps her arms around me in a tight embrace.

I hug her back. "I've been suffering for weeks. You're the only one that can help me through this."

"No I'm not." Vivian says in my ear. "You have your quiz mates on Whack-Your-Brain to talk to."

"It won't be the same."

"Again that's not necessarily a bad thing." Vivian replies. "You'll be great. Just hang in there." She rubs my back.

I step back and look down at her. I have never wanted a person so badly, yet my heart isn't completely broken. I can't be mad at her, not with the pain she's going through. "I'm so sorry about your mom, Vivian."

She shrugs. "I have to learn to live without her. Thanks for listening to me. Degrassi sucks sometimes, you know? They don't know how awesome you are, and it frustrates me. I know you can show people who you really are. All drama aside, you're easy to like. You deserve to feel like you're worthy of anything good that happens to you. Don't you EVER forget that."

I smile and nod. "Take care...m'lady."

She smiles back, her dark eyes twinkling. "You too. Drive safely."

"Will do." I wave at her. "Evening."

"Evening." She waves back.

I find it difficult to tear away from her lovely sight knowing that things won't escalate the way I wanted them to. I still have her though. That's what matters most.

"Mother?" I call as I enter the house. "I'm back." I walk into the living room and drop my messenger bag on the couch in the living room. "Mother?" I move towards the kitchen.

"There you are."

I freeze. Definitely not the voice I want to hear. I turn to see my father emerging from his study.

"Lydia told me you stopped by Edna's on the way home." He continues. "Let me guess: you were with Vivian again."

Casually I slide my hands in my pockets. "I was. Where's mother?"

Father scoffs. "She went to the store. What's wrong? Not excited to see me?"

Is that a trick question? "Usually you're not here on Thursdays."

"I'll take that as a no." He stands a side. "Vivian must be important to you like Terri was, but I can see why though. She's a lovely girl. How do girls like that stumble across someone like you?"

Two can play at this game. "I have no idea." I reply just as dryly, biting back any resentful remarks.

"Obviously." I hate how calm he is! "Come into the study with me. I need to talk to you about something: I think you know about the two missing wine coolers that I keep in the fridge."

Shit. I forgot to replace them after having a toast over at Toby's place. The air in the room becomes icy.

"If you cooperate, Richard, this will be done and over with quickly. Don't make me ask again."

I groan softly. "Fine." I say through gritted teeth.

My father doesn't take his beady eyes off me as I casually walk into his office. As he closes the door, I think of the one person who brings me happiness. "You deserve to feel like you're worthy of anything good that happens to you. Don't you EVER forget that." "I don't deserve this, father. No one does." I say calmly.

He responds by laughing. "Are you trying to school me on beating innocent people? First if all, Richard, you take after me, and secondly, you are far from innocent." I watch as he moves to the wardrobe to remove one of his leather belts.

"The scars on my back have yet to heal." I try to negotiate.

"I know." He says. "I won't aim for your back. Just be quiet, cooperate, and it'll be over."

I have no choice but to give in to him. I'm glad I have the ability to retreat to Bliss Land every time I go through this.