I would like to give you a heads up before reading this chapter:

1) This one's a bit longer than any of the chapters I've written thus far

2) There is the subject of the "birds and the bees" again.

3) I don't own any of the Degrassi characters, and this includes the dialogue that I'm borrowing from the show

You guys rock. Seriously. It's been two years since I've stared writing this, and I'm so glad that some of you have stuck around to continue reading this story. Please enjoy!

XXIX. Zero to One-Hundred, Then Back to Zero

Wednesday

2 days until Whack-Your-Brain

Rick Murray

It has to get done today. I know just the person to talk to to help me get through to Vivian, the only person who knows her best besides her father, her brother—and me of course.

"I still can't believe you want to talk to me of all people. You know by now that I'm crazy, right?"

Who better than the caricature Queenie Parker?

"Ah, no crazier than Jay Hogart." There are rumors about the two of them sleeping together once. Perhaps I shouldn't have said his name...

"Gee, thanks. I figured that out for myself." Queenie rolls her eyes. "Now spill it, buddy."

Somehow I convinced Queenie to have lunch with me out on one of the picnic benches outside of the school building. It's almost hidden as it's isolated from the rest of the tables outside and shielded by dense overgrowth from the trees, which is perfect for a guy like me who everyone hates. Additionally, topics concerning Vivian are especially sensitive to me, and Queenie is the only one at Degrassi who understands that.

"Spill it. Right." I run a hand through my hair. "So Vivian came by my house to give me my study guide for Whack-Your-Brain—"

"Oh, how's that going?" Queenie asks.

"Pretty well." I reply. "So we, my family and I, invited her in to stay and..." No need going down that road and its grizzly details. Although telling Queenie about it would make much more sense to her if she's going to hear me out, I can't risk that. "...and after that, we decided to take her home."

"You guys decided? You didn't ask Vivian if she was ready?"

"Uhhh...yeah." I say. "There were other errands and stuff we had to attend to, and we didn't want Vivian to feel like she was being neglected."

"I understand." Queenie nods.

"So did Vivian," I continue, "so I volunteered to take her home—"

"Don't tell me: the two of you didn't go home right away." Queenie chuckles, shaking her head. "You two are pathetically predictable." She takes a swing from her water bottle.

"Hey, that's not pathetic!" I find myself getting comfortable around Queenie's snarky attitude as I chuckle.

"Whoa now. Look at you all defensive." She teases. "Okay, okay, I'll stop interrupting. Tell me the story."

I sigh, trying to recall every detail. "So I was..." How do I put this without giving anything away that things are awry at home? "...so I was upset about something—personal stuff, and Vivian was able to comfort me..."

Vivian's P.O.V. (previous evening)

I'm wrapping my mind around what I had witnessed at Rick's place. Okay: technically I didn't see anything, but I sure as hell heard that stuff! And poor Mrs. Murray's face: I know her husband did that to her. I look at Rick occasionally while he's driving. Each of these times he doesn't look away from the road. Mind you, I know that while driving, that's a good thing, but he doesn't even glance at the side or rear-view mirrors. He's completely rigid, the only thing moving on him are his hands on the steering wheel.

Is he embarrassed by what happened to him? Goodness, should I say something then? Should I not? His family, because of his father, is a mess! And he's the ultimate bread-winner at the house, like Mrs. Murray mentioned, so reporting this would put them in a financially rough situation. Would they be better off that way?

"Everything you heard today stays in this house. I beg you, Vivian: this stays here."

I'm still hearing Mrs. Murray's words ringing through my head, and the way she looked at me was as if her life depended on it. Hell, it probably does. What would happen to Rick's future if I told the police, or someone who would report to the police? Would they have to go to a shelter? Rick would definitely have to transfer, so that's out of the question, but would it be for better or for worse? Mrs. Murray wouldn't be able to send her son to a well-off school if he stayed with her the whole time, assuming that Mr. Murray is calling all of the money shots in the household. He's such a little geek. This almost makes me smile. Even if he was abusive before, he's no match for a school on the rough side of town. They'd eat him alive. What schools are like that in Toronto? I have no idea. But it's not like Rick's life is particularly golden now either. What should I do? I can't live with this alone. I need to tell someone outside of the Murray family, and for now, that'll have to be someone who's sworn to secrecy. But who can I trust?

"Vivian, you okay?"

After a painfully long silence, Rick's voice erupts the air like thunder. I jump out of my skin. "Uh-huh." I reply, the pitch of my voice heightened. Oh good, he's speaking. Anything to snatch me away from the depressing tangent of my thoughts.

"Good. Did my mom make you something to drink?" He asks. His voice is smooth and gentle.

"Yeah." My heart swells at the memory of it. "Hot chocolate. Man that was good! It was like she made it a little extra sweet."

"Yeah she usually does that." Rick replies. "I'm glad you liked it."

"I loved it." I say cheerily. Which one of us will stop the facade first?

"Vivian," Rick pauses, "do you wanna...stop and get food before I take you home?"

This just got interesting. "Um...what place did you have in mind?"

"Uhhh...anywhere you want." He answers.

"Oh. W-well I don't particularly know every place there is to eat around here..."

"Oh, that's right." Rick's voice is calm all the while. "Well...I'll take you to a little shop where they serve apple cider. Ever had it before?"

"Apple cider?" I echo. "Never."

"Well then that's where we'll go." Rick looks over and smiles at me for the first time this evening.

I have to admit, in spite of the whirlwind of a time at the Murrays, I'm relieved to see him smiling. It's small and his teeth are hidden, but it's a normal expression.

And I smile back. "I can't wait to have some."

Rick's P.O.V. (current day)

"So you went to get apple cider and some other light snack before you took her home?" Queenie says. "Geez, you're sprung over her, dude. Admit it."

"Well..." I hesitate. "Sure. If you prefer to put it that way. But this gets more complex than what it seems."

"I'm all ears." Queenie leans in towards me, her elbows resting on her knees and her hands underneath her chin.

"Okay then." I say. "So...you know how I'm usually a cautious driver right?"

Vivian's P.O.V. (previous evening)

"So how about it, Rick? Do you have your study guide with you?" I ask. "I'm curious about the questions that might be thrown at you on the quiz show." I'm trying to avoid the loud silences as much as possible. I don't want to think about what happened at Rick's house. Or what could be happening now.

"Hmm? Oh, no, I left them back home. Not making the same mistake twice." He chuckles slightly.

"Understandable." I chuckle as well.

Rick's silent again and uber-focused on the road. Dammit, Rick, talk some more! Give me one of your theater rants! The last time he dropped me off coming from his house he wouldn't shut up about it. It's like this is his twin named Nick Murray driving instead. "Things going smoothly with your teammates? Does Heather Sinclair even show up for any of the study sessions?" I chuckle out loud.

"Yeah. Uh-huh." Rick answers. No lengthy description follows. No eye contact is made.

Shit. I'm losing him! My body's cold with goosebumps. "How far away is this restaurant or diner place?"

"Just a ten minute drive out. Fifteen I guess from your place." He says, still facing the road.

The way we're interacting—as if there's nothing wrong—is mental torture. I can't keep on playing this game anymore. Maybe Rick's used to this since he has his life on the line if he ever told anyone, but I can't take it. Oh, dang. That's just it: He's used to doing this. It's like his father beating him around was just another day at school—damn even that's a bad simile since he does get beat up everyday at Degrassi! Ai you poor soul, Rick Murray.

So what do I do when something's bothering me? I speak up. "Rick, either now or later, we need to talk about what happened back there."

Silence.

"I know what happened back there with your dad. That's why I knocked on the door. To stop it from continuing." I look at the side of his face, scanning him for any physical injuries.

Still no words.

"I understand if you don't want to, but I saw it—"

"Vivian, drop it. It's nothing. Just discipline." For once more than two words come out of his mouth.

"It's not 'nothing', Rick." I say calmly.

"It is to me. I don't want to talk about it. Not now or ever. Okay?" This time he faces me, a hard look in his brown eyes and his voice stern.

I return the look. There's a sarcastic retort on the tip of my tongue, but I don't feel that's appropriate for this serious subject matter. "Fine." I harden my voice while saying this. "But know that I can't just un-hear what went down, Rick. You got that?" And still the frustration leaks through my voice.

Rick's P.O.V. (current day)

"Wait, what's Vivian frustrated about?" Queenie says. "She's not the type of person to be upset with you for no reason. It's always something running deep. What was it?"

"Errr...something personal." I reply quickly.

"Rick."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Rick."

"Queenie."

"Richard."

I bite the corner of mouth. "I hate that name." Only people like Raditch and my father, the current topic of avoidance, can call me that.

"I know. Now tell me the truth, or I'll call you that from here on out."

If only there was a name I could call her that she hated! There's baldy, but that would be too cruel. She trusted me enough for her to tell me such sensitive information...oh wait.

"Rick, you can trust me the way I trusted you to keep my secret about having cancer." Queenie plays just the card I was hoping she wouldn't.

Nonetheless, she has a point. "Alright, fine. You won't tell anyone about this?"

"If I do—which I won't I promise—you can tell the whole school my secret."

Suddenly I can't speak. I don't think I've told anyone about the abuse, and poor Vivian was just caught in the middle of it last night, so I don't count her as someone I confessed to.

Queenie's hand slowly covers her mouth when I do finally tell her. "From now on, you're welcome to stay at my place anytime you feel unsafe." She says quietly.

I nod. "Thank you."

"Your secret's safe with me." She winks. "Now back to the story. What about you and your cautious driving?"

"Oh right." Telling this story will be much easier now. Well, almost.

Vivian's P.O.V. (previous evening)

Rick doesn't reply to me. He's mute yet again as he returns his focus toward the road.

"Rick, I don't like this silent treatment." I say. "Clearly this is affecting you. I won't push you if you don't wanna talk about it, but please don't go quiet on me."

Rick remains silent. Then out of nowhere, he does the unthinkable.

He slams on the accelerator.

I jerk back in my seat as we fly down the road. The trees in the background become a green blur of scenery. I watch as we swerve around other cars, all honking at us in turn. For the first few seconds I'm numb to it, expecting him to slow down, but after this time elapses, my heart plummets into panic. "Rick, slow down! What's the rush?"

Still no response. He swerves around a right corner without slowing down, causing us both to lean forward and towards the right.

"Rick, stop! Slow down!"

He does more than that. By slamming on the break, he causes us both to jerk forward, but fortunately the pair of us are wearing seat belts, so our inertia doesn't send us through the dashboard.

After making sure I have a firm hold of myself, I go off on Rick. "What the hell is wrong with you?! You can't just go speeding out of no where like that! You know how crazy that is?! How dangerous?"

Rick's leaning forward, his arms crossed on the steering wheel and his chin resting on them.

"Say something." I say in a calmer tone. "You can tell me anything you need to, Rick."

I take the time to look out of the passenger window. It seems like we're in a park of someplace as we're parked at the bottom of a grassy slope. The hill's covered in green. The view in the sunlight is pretty.

But as I turn back to face Rick, however, it's anything but. He's biting the corner of his mouth, and I can see a slight twitch in him. His face is slowly turning a violet pink. "You want me to talk!?" He raises his voice. "Fine. Are you listening, Vivian? I can't do anything to please that man! Nothing will make him stop hitting me: if I disobey him, the consequences are worse; if I do obey him, I'm belittled about not having a backbone. The moments when I can impress him are few and far in between, and when they do come around, it's only for a few seconds until I'm on his bad side again." He looks at me, his entire body trembling. "Are you happy, Vivian? There: I spoke about him. You pried it out of me. You forced me to talk about the absolute worst moments of my life. Things are so much better when he's not home, Vivian. You saw for yourself when I invited you over that day. Now he's home for a few days, and we left my mother back there with him."

He takes both hands and run them through his hair. "Why did you have to play the heroine, Vivian?"

I frown. "What...?" His words throw me off-balance.

"You could have just let it happen! I could have taken it a lot better than my mom could even bear. She needs me back there to be her punching bag." He leans forward, our faces just a few inches a part. "Thanks to you, Vivian, my mother's suffering at the hands of my own father, who's doing who-knows-what to her right now."

I lean back against the window, away from Rick. "Your safety is just as important, Rick, and to your mother, a priority. I didn't mean to endanger her life, Rick. I was trying to save yours."

"At what cost? My mother's life?"

"You didn't see the look she gave me when we heard him hitting you. Have you ever noticed the pain ever on your mom's face when she knows that you're being hurt? She wanted me to go back there and stop it! And I did too. There's no crime in that. I was—we—were helping you!" I begin to lean forward too, our faces even closer than before, and return his gaze. One that's filled with mixed emotions of anger, despair and frustration. "M-maybe you should just take me straight home." I say. "No need to stop at a restaurant."

Rick sighs, and since our faces are inches apart, his odorless breath (thank goodness) sweeps across my face.

"I'm not the bad guy here, Rick." I say firmly.

"You're right." He replies. "Why not be like everybody else in my life thus far? Can't you make my life easier and join the rest of them? Cheer on the taunts and make me suffer. You could just go and be friends and have a normal, happy life. You deserve it. I'm only dragging you down. Tarnishing your reputation."

"You're talking crazy." I say. "You think that all I'm worried about is my popularity status? Rick, we're friends. Your problems are my problems."

"But...why?" Ricks asks. "Why not make it simple for me and have me hate everything about Degrassi? I could easily leave."

"If you really wanted to, you would have left regardless if I was your friend or not."

He pauses for a few seconds, staring at me. "You're right." He reaches for one of my braids and twists his fingers around in it. I watch him, a little uncomfortable. "You're so special."

I chuckle nervously. "Just another kid really." Wasn't he just upset a second ago?

He sighs again as he stares at me, now a peaceful look painted across his face. I watch as he appears to examine every part of my face. "I'm...sorry for blaming you like that. I'm just..." he trails off. He looks away from me, and slowly, I watch his face pinch up. His bottom lip starts to quiver.

Oh, no. Please don't. I'm not good at comforting people...

Rick slowly breaks down. He removes his glasses and sobs into his hands.

I stare at him. Today marks the second most helpless moment I've ever had in my life (you know, with the mom story and all). I wonder how often this happens. Does he cry himself to sleep every night, or does he bottle it all in? Either way is unsettling enough to make me hurt for Rick. Then I think about last Thursday and how he scooped me up in his lap when I lost it. Return the favor at the very least.

With shaky hands, I reach for Rick's glasses and gently remove them from his face: a rosy, tear-stained face. Without his glasses and with the ability to stare directly into his light brown eyes, glossy with moisture, he appears more vulnerable, more revealing about his true emotions. Just looking into them I can spell pain. My hands still trembling, I wipe the running tears away from my friend's face. What am I doing? Oh, god, what am I doing?

I don't stop there. I take his face between my hands and lean my forehead against his. "I'm...sorry..." I say, unable to speak.

Rick grabs my arms with either hands and buries his face in my chest. Instantly I wrap my arms around him to balance his weight with mine (I wasn't expecting him to be so heavy!). Did Rick feel just as helpless when I was the one crying last time? Going along spontaneously and hoping that I would eventually calm down? Nonetheless, I find that his body pressed up against me, although trembling from sobbing, is warm and comforting. I want to say words to soothe him, but common phrases such as "it's okay" and "it'll be alright" I can't bring myself to, especially since I've seen—no, gotten a glimpse —of Rick's utterly disturbing world. What's alright about his life anyway? I think as I look out of the front car window, away from the sun.

Suddenly the answer comes to me. It's me...but I can't be the only thing good about his life, can I? He also has Toby to confide into. Though Toby can't fill those emotional, romantic needs that Rick's probably longing for. He just needs another chance to prove himself, right? Right? I begin to run my fingers through his brown hair, and am relieved to find it so soft. It feels so good in between my fingertips. Is it weird that I'm finding pleasure at the expense of Rick's pain? Then I remind myself that Rick is also benefiting from my caresses as well. I'm just doing what he did last week. I continue the motion, gaining more confidence through each additional movement. "I'm sorry, Rick." I lean my head against his. "I wish I could do something to help you."

Suddenly he lifts his head. He and his bright brown eyes stare up at me, widening them as if he's just now realizing that I'm here.

Slowly I smile awkwardly at him. I struggle to make the gesture with my mouth, as if it's glued shut into a frown.

Rick sits up, and his grip around my waist tightens as he pulls me closer to him, right up against him. The action startles me that I grab hold of his shirt. We hold eye contact for a moment. There in the twinkling, brown abyss of Rick's eyes do I see his thoughts. Suddenly I can read his mind through his gaze. "I wanna kiss you." His eyes say.

And I want the same thing.

"Vivian..." Rick's voice is barely above a whisper. He moves a hand around the back of my neck. Again I can feel his odorless breath brushing against my face, warm against my skin.

I squeeze his shoulders, moving my hands underneath his arms. "Yeah?" My heart's racing. My face is throbbing with heat.

My eyes close as Rick presses his face against mine. He also brings me close using his hand around my neck. Slowly I begin to tilt my head to the right. Though my eyes are closed, I know that Rick's lips are just a nuzzle away. He's the one who makes the first contact: he brushes his lips against my own, and goosebumps cover my entire body. As we both breathe heavier than before, I can now taste his breath, and I know that he can taste mine.

"Kiss me, sweet Vivian." He says softly against my lips. He doesn't pull away: he molds a kiss into the corner of my mouth.

There's no hesitation on my part. It's like Rick activated a switch within me, and I fulfill his wish. I dive into his full lips, which seem to always be soft, always moist, and always warm. I'm not afraid to venture over them as I lead the kiss. I hold his face with either of my hands, and he encircles my waist and pulls me even closer to him, just when I think it's impossible. He kisses me with the same amount of passion, the same amount of hesitant-less strength. Rick's tongue glides over my lips, and I gasp at the sudden sensation. I slowly open my mouth, and he enters immediately, his tongue mingling with my own. An exchange of moist saliva and hot, thick breath happens between us. I had only made out with Rick a couple of other times before this, but it's now becoming second nature for me, even though my entire system feels like an electric current is zapping through me every time I kiss Rick's lips.

Rick's P.O.V. (current day)

"I'm waiting for the supposed 'bad' part of the story to happen." Queenie rolls her eyes as I tell her about the kiss.

"Can't you be patient? I'm getting to it."

"Good because from my angle, it sounds like you're having a hell-of-a-time making out with my friend."

I can feel my face turning red from the remark. "I was at first."

"So then tell me what happened!" Queenie stamps her feet on the concrete ground.

I smirk. "I see now that I have your undivided attention."

"Oh, shut up and finish the story."

"As you wish." I say. "So..."

Vivian's P.O.V. (previous evening)

Rick and I migrate to the back seat of his car as we proceed to kiss each other. The setting sun shines a brilliant ray of light into the vehicle, warming up the confined space. There's a small cloud of fog left on the driver's side window, and now we're about to steam up the back seat with our heavy panting. We've alternated between who's leading the kiss, and this time it's Rick for the second time. He props me up against the back left corner of the seat and kisses me with heavy lips. I lock my arms around his neck, and he moves his hands up and down my sides. He pauses briefly to remove his gray jacket and his plaid button-down in one swift motion before grabbing me again and kissing me.

"I'm sorry it's so stuffy in here." He pants in between kisses. "Are you hot? You're soaked in sweat."

I look down at my red and navy striped polo. He's right: my shirt alone is drenched in perspiration. I giggle uneasily. "Didn't notice." I say.

Rick holds a hand under my chin and lifts my face up to his gaze. He reaches up with his other hand and wipes the sweat from my forehead. He leans in and kisses my forehead afterwards. I gently brush back the hair in his face that's damp with sweat. His glasses-less eyes are still faintly red from the tears he shed just moments ago.

"You okay?" I have my right hand on the side of his face.

His response is leaning in for a long, gentle kiss. "Where would I be without you?" He says after he releases his lips from mine. "I love you, Vivian. Degrassi would be so much more miserable without you there." He kisses my lips again. "You're an angel." Another kiss.

He presses himself against me, placing a firm grip on my waist. I can feel his hands moving up my shirt while drowning in his rich kisses. He glides his hands up and down my bare skin, and my heart flutters, especially as I can feel him tugging at my shirt. I begin to undo the buttons, and Rick hastily takes over the process before trying again at the hem and lifting the shirt over my head. Instinctively I raise up my arms while he gently removes it from my body, leaving me in my white, lacy bra. He gently slides his hands down my sides once more and brings me in for more kisses. I begin to undo the braids in my hair, and Rick trails his kisses down to my neck. A surprise moan escapes my throat as he sucks at a weak spot. He moves his kisses back to my lips and tilts me back slowly until I'm lying horizontally across the backseat. Rick joins me on top and removes his shirt. He pants heavily as he kisses my lips yet again, and I pant too. My entire body tingles as I come in contact with his bare chest. He keeps a firm grip on my waist as he begins to grind against my body, and his kisses become deeper. He presses his chest up against mine while continuing his steady grinding motion. I close my eyes and let him continue, holding on to his shoulder blades. His moans and sighs, along with his tender kisses in my neck, cause me to melt underneath him.

"It's so hot in here." Rick pants. He rubs sensual circles over my stomach. "So hot." He hastily unbuttons my pants and slides them down my legs.

I gasp. "Rick—"

"Shhhh. It's okay. I just took off your pants." He says gently.

He's right. He didn't touch my red underwear with white polka-dots, now exposed, but I'm still wearing them.

"Relax, beautiful. You're safe with me." Rick continues to rub my stomach and smiles down at me.

I smile back at him, my breathing heavy.

Then I realize I'm in my underwear. Whoa! How did we get here?

Rick bends over and plants butterfly kisses along my torso, and I gasp again. He grabs my waist tighter.

"Rick." I grab his head. "Can we not?"

His response is kissing my lips. "I'll take it slow. Don't worry." He moves a hand over my inner right thigh and buries kisses in the crook of my neck. He moves his other hand over my body, soon to be both of his hands.

His caresses send me to a land of bliss, and I close my eyes and run my fingers through his thick hair. Everything is surreal. Rick and I are together, almost completely naked. It's like I'm living a completely new life, reborn into a new person. Getting all this intimate attention from a boy that I like.

Just like that, I jolt back to reality when I feel Rick grabbing at my underwear.

"Rick, no." I grab his hands. "I'm not ready for that yet."

He looks down at me, squinting as if he didn't hear me correctly. "Vivian? But I thought...you let me take off your clothes."

"I know," I say as I begin to sit up, "and I'm sorry if you were looking forward to it, but no. I don't want to."

Rick scoots back. "I thought that—I thought you loved me. You know I love you, Vivian."

"That's not fair." I argue. "Just because I don't want to have sex with you doesn't make you any less important to me, Rick."

Rick rests holds his hands together and rests his elbows on his knees. I watch him press his forehead into his hands.

"Sorry if I made you think otherwise." I say softly. "I promise I wasn't trying to trick you."

"I know you wouldn't do something like that." Rick replies. "Sorry. I'm just...sorry. Here let me take you home."

"What about the apple cider?"

"Never mind that. It's getting late. I don't want your father to worry about you." Rick bends down and hands me my clothes that he tossed on the floor. "I'll wait until you get dressed. Promise I won't look." He grabs his jacket and shirt off the floor and climbs back into the driver's seat.

I stare at him for a moment longer before I slowly slip back into my black jeans and polo.

Rick's P.O.V. (current day)

Queenie's light brown eyes grow wide. "Holy shit. Wow. You guys are...but seriously, Rick, that's more normal than you think. Couples and making love is a complicated thing, and it can suck if one of you wants it more than the other."

"I'm not done with the story." I reply. "There's still one last thing that happened." To think that I'm hesitant to follow through with the rest of the story is cowardly, especially since I'm already in too deep, but...I'm certainly not proud of this next part. Oh well. Better for her to skin me alive sooner rather than later.

Vivian's P.O.V. (previous evening)

We're back at square one: driving in silence. Rick doesn't try to make conversation, and I don't try to get him to talk either. I sit slouched back in the passenger's seat with my arms tightly crossed. There's a thick tension in the air that, until now, I've never felt with Rick before. I look out of the window and watch the sun starting to set: living in a different time zone than before, it always throws me off at how late the sun always sets to me, but as daylight savings time rolls around, I'm starting to see the sun go down around a time I'm used to.

Rick pulls up into the driveway of our house, and I cringe at the vines growing around it as they practically bury the pretty sight of our house. Why doesn't dad trim those? Ugh.

I begin to sigh and realize that Rick does it at the same time. Quickly we both look up at each other then turn away again.

I chuckle nervously. "Guess I'll head inside now. Thanks for the ride." I unfasten my seat-belt and reach for the door handle.

"Vivian." Rick gently grabs my arm.

"What?" I turn around.

The way he's staring at me, through his glasses that are now back on his face, I know he's been thinking about something long and hard. "Have you ever loved me all this time? I've never heard you say so."

"Uh...what?" My voice is higher in pitch. "Wh-wha..." I stammer. "Where is this coming from?"

"You didn't answer me." Rick says. "So...no? I was the only one that cared about us?"

"Whoa...Rick..." My heart speeds up. "No, you were never the only one. I cared about us too."

"You don't love me." Rick says. "Just say it. You've never said 'I love you' to me once."

"Whatever happened to 'I don't expect you to say it back'?" My head's starting to spin. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. I really like you, Rick-"

"But not love." Rick sighs. "Am-am I not worthy of your love? Are you embarrassed to be seen with me at Degrassi after all?"

"Rick, what are you talking about?!" I shake my head in disbelief. "I say no to sex, and you think I don't care about our relationship?"

"Vivian, you don't understand." Rick starts to squeeze my arm. "You're the one that I'm the closest to at school. I can't survive Degrassi otherwise."

"Exactly. Not having sex won't change that. We've gotten this far without it." I say. "Please don't put me through what Jay did."

"I'm nothing like Jay!" Rick raises his voice, and I flinch. "You know how I feel about him. You know I would never try to do that to you."

"Rick."

"Why would you do that?" He's glaring at me. "Vivian, I've changed so much in these several months. If you would have known me before, you would realize it too. " He squeezes harder. "I'm not perfect."

"And neither am I." I say. "Now let go of my arm. You're squeezing too tightly."

"I can't let you think that way about me." Rick continues. "I thought you were better than that. I thought I could trust you."

"Rick, my arm." I'm growing sweaty.

"I've treated you so well." Rick says.

"Are you not listening to me when I say let go?" I yank my arm away from his grip, and the back of my hand smacks the door behind me. I let out a soft cry and rub my knuckles.

Now I'm overcome with a boiling rage. "You treated me well? So what does that mean? That I owe you something in return? Rick, let's talk about you and your flaws! Let's talk about that list you made about your female classmates! Do you honestly think that's normal? You think that's okay?"

Rick's eyes widen. "Vivian..."

"According to that list, I'm not even your first pick, so why should I believe anything you say about loving me?" Words spill out of my mouth like hot soup. "I don't owe you anything, anytime, ever!"

I turn and push on the door handle. And push. And push. And push again. Each time it doesn't budge.

"Open this door, Rick." I say, looking back at him. It feels like an ice-cold claw raked itself down my heart.

"I will, Vivian, but just listen to me." Rick says.

"I've heard just about enough."

"No you haven't. Give me a chance to explain myself." Rick reaches for my hand. I slap it away. "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."

I scoot away from him until I find my back right up against the door. "Explain yourself doesn't mean touch me."

"Vivian, the list you saw...I made that before I got to know you. I see you differently than before. I do. Don't hold that against me. I already have to deal with my psycho reputation. I don't need this on top of that."

"Rick, it's not my fault that you have to redeem yourself for something that you did." I say. "Sorry if that sounds harsh to you, but it's the truth. Why...why would you even make a list of girls like that? There were twenty of us on that list." My voice gets softer as I force myself to finish my statement.

"What you saw that day is nothing like the way I am now." Rick says. "I promise. I have flaws, Vivian. Why can't you accept that?"

I shake my head. "These aren't just flaws. Rick, I don't think you and I should be together."

"Vivian, don't turn against me." He leans in closer. "Please." He takes my hands. "I love you, Vivian. It pains me that you can't say it back to me."

I feel myself trembling all over. I don't know what from: fear? Anger? Frustration? RAGE? I can feel my insides boiling like I'm heating myself up in an oven. "If you really loved me, you'd let me out of this car." If ice had a sound, it's probably my voice at the moment.

I watch Rick's face fall. He's pausing as if he's inhaling an air of breath. "I saved your life. I deserve to be treated better than this." He says this in the most chillingly quietest voice ever. He begins squeezing my hands.

"Let me go." I try to pull away from him.

"Don't turn against me, Vivian. Please. Please. I need this second chance."

My head starts to spin, and my breathing becomes uneven. The inside of my body feels like it's on fire. It's like the entire car is closing in on me, like I'm drowning in a bathtub and gasping for air. Abuse. Abuse. Abuse!

"Tell me what I have to do so that I can prove to you that I've changed." Rick's voice quivers. "I'm not trying to scare you, Vivian, but I can't survive Degrassi without you. You warm my heart."

"I can't breathe, Rick. Please." I heave my words out in one breath before I gasp for another. I can feel my lungs collapsing. My breathing becomes rapid as I struggle with every heave of my chest to gasp for air.

Like lightning, Rick zips out of the car and runs over to my side, flinging the door open. "C'mon. Do you want to step out of the car?"

I nod briskly while doing so.

"Okay." Rick closes the door behind me, and I bend over, trying to steady my breathing. "That's it." Rick coaches. "Nice and steady." He rests his hand on my back. Then he kneels beside me and breathes steadily. "Inhale just like this." He draws in his breath slowly and releases it at the same pace, and I match him until my own breathing has calmed down. All the while Rick gently rubs my back. "There we go. You're doing great."

I sit down on the pavement, leaning against Rick's car. He joins me. My head's throbbing again, and I lean forward until my face is in between my legs. I can feel him moving his arms around me, his hands holding my shoulders. "You'll be okay." He's a smooth whisper against my ear.

I sit for several seconds like this, tension gripping my body. I'm feeling a moral contradiction brewing within myself.

"I'm so sorry for doing this to you, Vivian." Rick continues to speak. "I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. I...I'm trying to be different. I am...I just..." He sighs. "I'm trying." He gently rubs my shoulders.

Slowly I lift my head and look at him. His brown eyes are bleeding remorse behind his glasses.

"Hey, you guys alright?"

Abruptly I turn as I see Vince jogging towards us. "Viv? What happened?"

"I...my concussion." I answer. I can see Rick out of the corner of my vision looking at me as I address my brother. "I got a little light-headed, but I'm fine now."

Vince nods, kneeling down to join us. "You sure that's everything? You don't look so well...emotionally, I mean."

"Yeah that's it." I slowly stand to my feet, and Rick follows. My back faces Vince as I stare at Rick. I look at his eyes to see if I can find any sincere remorse for what happened. They seem rigid and motionless, and his dark eyebrows hover over them as he frowns. "Thanks for taking me back, Rick."

He nods. "It's no trouble."

"Well then...get back safely."

"I will." He replies. "I'll...see you tomorrow, right?" He still has the same, unreadable expression.

"Yeah." I reply.

"Okay." He nods at my brother. "Take care."

"You too." Vince replies.

"Yeah." I say.

Rick looks over at me one final time with a blank stare, but slowly a heavy frown forms on his face, one of hurt.

The feeling's mutual, pal.

He finally turns away as he climbs into his graphite-colored car. As Rick pulls out of the driveway, Vince waves at him, and he returns it before pulling off down the street we came from, his red tail lights visible even as his car is slowly being swallowed by the trees.

Vince joins my side. "I won't ask."

"Thanks." I continue to stare at the street.

Current Day

"...and we haven't talked since." I bury my face in my hands as I proceed to tell Ivory the story.

She holds a napkin out to me. "Do you need another moment?" She asks gently.

"No...I think I'm good for now." I look up to respond. "You're seriously the best for listening to me."

"Of course, Vivian. It's the least I can do after last week."

Somehow Ivory got seven students that we barely knew in the cafeteria to give us their napkins. Before I could even tell her what actually happened I started bawling my eyes out like a baby, and I went through both mine's and Ivory's napkin in less than a minute. Some student even called Miss Sauve over, but I insisted I was fine, and thankfully she cooperated with me.

"I just can't believe...after all we had been through, that he would—"

"Believe it." Ivory says firmly. "Rick, and others like him, are good at deceiving people. That's how they're able to get away with it."

"But Rick wouldn't have come back to Degrassi if he wasn't serious about changing. He had to know that he would be hated."

"Vivian, I'm here for you, but you've got to stop making excuses for Rick. What he did to you was unacceptable. Period. Don't make him the victim." Ivory holds my shoulder. "Don't forget that I used to be with him. I know how charming he can be."

I look down at my empty tray. Nothing but specks of lettuce and hamburger meat remain. Miraculously I still had a hardy appetite even after being stressed out about the whole Rick thing. "But...but I think he's sincere. Really I do. He honestly has no one else to take his side. If I wanted to rat him out, he'd definitely be back at square one. The last thing I would want is for students to have an excuse to bully him again."

Ivory sighs. "You should listen to yourself, Vivian. You're now another victim of his. Like Terri, like me. I get it: you guys are close, and you don't want to hurt him. I get that. After all: why be on the same boat as Rick? But you don't owe him a damn thing. My parents were fortunate enough to have me speak with a counselor who specialized in working with abusive men, and he told me that typically, people like Rick don't change, and if they do, you can't be so sweet and gentle with them. Now you have to hold them accountable, and be strict and firm with them. Rick has to feel the weight of his actions against him."

I sigh. "But the Degrassi already showed him that..."

Rick's P.O.V.

"Clearly not well enough!" Queenie exclaims. "Rick, you do realize that, just because you didn't physically attack her, you did abuse Vivian, right?"

I bite my lip. "I didn't know that she would have a panic attack like that."

"Stop it!" Queenie snaps. "Listen to you! You're passively blaming Vivian for something that YOU caused!" she raises her voice. "She had a panic attack because you kept her against her will. And also you said you grabbed her hands. Could she pull away from you?"

I pause. "I didn't want her to think that I was a monster..."

"Rick, this isn't about you." Queenie says tartly. "Were you squeezing her hands too tightly?"

I can feel the corner of my mouth twitching. "Yes."

"So you were holding her down and you had her locked in the car. In a car right outside of her own house! Let's put this in perspective, Rick, shall we? Imagine if your old pals were picking on you, and they kept you locked in a car with them, and they held you down so that you couldn't escape. How would you feel? Safe? Respected? I highly doubt it, Rick, don't you?"

I remain silent as I scowl down at my half-eaten sloppy Joe, partially because I don't have an appetite, and partially because I can't stand this school's food. I sigh in response.

"Seriously: that's the stupidest thing you've done since being back—that and wearing that tacky-ass hat on your head." Queenie thumps the beret I'm wearing.

"Hey!" I say. "One: it's called a beret. Two: it's been in my family for generations!"

"I don't care. It's two-thousand four. Leave it at home. You and your messy attitude."

"Dammit, I know." I lower my head. "It's just that...Vivian is such an angel—"

"Stop right there." Queenie holds her hand up. "Vivian is not an angel. She's a human being. You need to treat her as such. Yeah, she's kind and caring, but she isn't perfect, Rick. If you're not expected to be perfect, then neither is she."

"I thought that she would tell everyone about the list that I made."

"Bullshit. It sounds to me that you were hurt by being rejected for sex, which Vivian has every right to do." Queenie crosses her arms.

I can feel my face heating up. That did sting. Badly: I was caught up in the heat of the moment-quite literally. Vivian and her deep kisses; her big hair; her pretty, dark, smooth skin; her beautiful body unclothed. All I wanted was to strip away her underwear and caress her in her complete nakedness and sink into her over and over again. I was firm by the time Vivian stopped me from taking off her panties. I was eager to fill her up with me and show her how much I cared for her.

"See? Look at how red you are. I rest my case." Queenie sighs. "I thought you were supposed to have changed, Rick. I guess a few months in therapy isn't enough to get rid of all or your abusive tendencies, huh?" She stands up from the picnic bench and heaves her backpack over her shoulder. "You really have a lot to learn before you should even consider dating again."

"Queenie!" I stand up with her. "I want to learn from my mistakes. Please. Tell me how to do that."

"I don't know how to help you." She replies. "I've told you the best I could. The rest you need to figure out for yourself. Maybe Miss Sauve?"

"I can't tell her. What if she reports me?"

"Well you certainly can't keep this to yourself. Can't you tell any other adult you trust? Like your own therapist?"

Now I sigh. "I don't know...I'm making good progress there."

"Do you honestly care about the progress you're making? If you did, you would call your therapist and tell...him...or her, what happened."

"Him." I correct Queenie. You know she's right.

"Look: no one deserves to be bullied, but as soon as you start acting abusive again, you are no longer the victim, Rick." Queenie says. "Isn't all of this torment enough to stop you from bullying someone else in the same way?"

I can feel my heart crashing into the concrete beneath my feet. Queenie is turning into my therapist, who both, admittedly, make the same good point. I'm in the wrong. My actions were the horrible ones and not my girlfriend's. No matter what she might have did, she didn't deserve the treatment I gave her.

"We should get to class soon." Queenie grabs her lunch bag from the table. "Class is about to start up."

"Uh...I'm actually going home to go to a doctor's appointment." I also grab my lunch on the tray. "I'm won't be coming back to school today."

"You don't say." Queenie rolls her eyes. "If I were you I wouldn't come back either. Ever."

Her last word reverberates across the school building and chills me to the bone.

Queenie shakes her head. "Get it together, Rick." She turns her back and walk towards Degrassi's building.

"I'm on it." I say even though she's now too far away to hear me.

As I dump my tray in the trash, I internalize what Queenie said. Don't come back ever, she says? Easier said than done. We'd have to pack up and move and everything, and I can't afford to put my mother through all of that stress. Not again. As far as she's concerned, she thinks that I have two amazing friends and that the bullying has settled down.

Well...I head out towards the parking lot. That's not entirely a lie. The bullying has stopped...somewhat. Now there's only a few guys that pick on me, but at least it's not the entire school anymore. At least it's not Emma leading on the student body and telling them to harass me.

I smile to myself as I think of Emma. I'm glad she's one of the team members on Whack-Your-Brain. I have one event to look forward to out of my miserable life at Degrassi. I walk a little faster along the street. There's at least one good constant in my life.

"Yo, Richaaaaaaaarrrd!"

Any ounce of joy in my body has just been killed. There's a car honk followed by a familiar voice. Sure enough, a red, beat-up car pulls up beside me to my right, and the driver is none other than Spinner Mason.

"Hey, buddy." He has his window rolled down as he talks to me. The music of some rock band is blaring from the sound system, and it's stabbing my ears. He slows down the car's pace so that he's matching my walking speed. "Hey...man, I said hi. It's rude not to say hi back."

I bite my lip. If I don't say anything, maybe he'll go away.

It doesn't work. Spinner pulls the car up, angling it in front of me to block my path. He cuts off the motor and the the music and steps out of the car. He's joined by Jimmy, who walks out of the passenger side. I can feel the tall athlete looming over me from behind.

Spinner's hair takes me by shock. On the right and the back side of his head, his hair has been buzzed off. On the other half of his head, specifically the front and the left side of his head, there's long, blonde, straight hair hanging in front of his eyes. It's like he's wearing half of a bowl cut, and he just came back from a boy band rehearsal. "Seriously, what's that?" He stands in front of me. "I mean..."

Let's just get this over with. "Hi, Spinner." I speak.

"Hi." A dry response.

"New haircut?"

"Yes it is." He replies with a smirk.

"New chapeau?" This time it's Jimmy from behind who asks the question, and he removes the beret from my head. "Is that...? Ooh."

I sigh as Spinner brushes my hair off and Jimmy plays with my hat. "Aw man, this is nice." I hear Jimmy whistle behind me in a womp-womp tune. The beret flies over my head into Spinner's hands.

"Hey this is nice." Spinner rubs the hat against his face. "So soft. Where'd you get it? I know where you can find it."

In one swift motion, he tosses my beret in the large, red dumpster a few feet away from us.

"Oh, man!" Jimmy instigates as Spinner snickers at his shot.

Inwardly moaning, I go over to retrieve my beret.

"You know what? I'll help you." I can hear two pairs of footsteps as Jimmy and Spinner follow me to the dumpster. Brilliant.

Moaning, I climb up onto the dumpster in search of my possession. My two, well-intentioned buddies join me on either side.

"Oh. There." Spinner points towards the back corner of the dumpster where my beret sits, unharmed. Thank goodness.

Just as I bend over to pick it up, one of my legs hanging in the air, in a flash I'm flipped over as Spinner grabs me by the leg, and I fall on my back into the dumpster. Fortunately I come down on something cushion-y rather than sharp. I look up to see Spinner and Jimmy snickering over me.

"Well I hope you find it along with maybe a little snack...something." Jimmy says.

"Yeah..." Spinner adds. "See you tomorrow, freak."

Just like that, the twosome split, leaving me in this sea of filth. A mold of anger and humiliation boil within me, and I throw my head back against the garbage bag underneath my head. I clench my trembling hands into two fists and squeeze my eyes shut. Why is this happening to me? Why can't I live in peace? In freedom? Why can't I have a happy moment without it being soiled? Why can't I breathe without them sniffing around for trouble? I listen to the sound of Spinner's car engine rumbling until it fades into the distance.

I don't know how much longer I can take any of this. The smell of rotten meat, milk and mold that surrounds me reminds me of how sick to my stomach I am about Degrassi and its students. How they think they're so holy, so godly that they can torture me day after stinking day.

I'm through with this treatment. Through with it.