What Love Has Made of Me

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Thanks to all who reviewed the first two chapters!

James and I hadn't made any plans for the upcoming weekend, not that it would have mattered anyhow, since he called me Friday morning and said that he had a patient being admitted and he was swapping weekend call with another doc so he could monitor him. He left the message on my cell phone, and called when he knew I wouldn't be able to answer it.

I frowned and drummed my fingers on the counter as I listened to his message. Is it that hard to talk to your wife, James, I thought, recognizing his avoidance technique for what it was. Suddenly, I desperately needed to hear his voice, wanted to hear him tell me that I know that he loves me, and so I paged him, with the faint hope that he might actually call me back. I waited for his call all day, retreating further into myself as the day wore on. By closing time, I was practically shuffling around the pharmacy like a psych patient on haldol.

I waited on Steve that night while he locked up. As he turned around, I noticed his frown. "Julie," he said. My eyes barely flicked up at the sound of his voice. Was it possible for someone to lapse into a spontaneous coma?

"Hmm?" I replied, scuffing my shoe against the concrete.

"Have you talked to James yet?" He knew that I hadn't, so I looked up at him in exasperation without answering.

"Julie, I've tried to stay out of the way, because I know you were more in need of a friend than a therapist. But you can't keep going on like this. I don't think I've ever seen you so depressed." He cringed then, waiting for a tongue-lashing.

I sighed and spun around to face the parking lot. I couldn't look him in the face. "I know," I said, staring up at the sky and wrapping my arms around me. For once, the stars were visible, and I found myself thinking about my childhood dream of visiting one. "I just don't know what to do about it. We haven't even talked since he cancelled on me Sunday. He hasn't even given me a chance," I continued, conveniently ignoring what had happened the night before.

"Julie, I respect James. He's a superb doctor, and he certainly is smart because he married you. But right now I think that he is making a huge mistake."

"I can't make him talk to me, Steve," I replied in frustration. "That's the most irritating thing about this whole issue, the fact that he thinks he can avoid me indefinitely!" I spun around then in irritation, fire flashing in my dark brown eyes.

I met Steve's eyes. For once, I couldn't read him, but there was something going on behind his watery blue eyes. I studied Steve, trying to read his thoughts. He was older than me, about fifty, and had wavy blond hair that he kept trimmed short to keep it under control. It was graying at the temples. He was taller than James, almost House's height, it seemed.

"Have you thought about going to the hospital to see him?" he asked quietly.

"He screwed up." I pouted as my wounded pride surfaced. "I'm not going crawling to him." I crossed my arms across my chest and glared at him, daring him to disagree.

"You deserve better, Julie," he said, as he hesitantly reached out to rub my upper arm. When I didn't flinch at his touch, he grew bolder and pulled me to him. I kept thinking to myself that I needed to pull away, but I had this funny feeling in my stomach, like I was going to be sick. Steve leaned down then, until his lips were almost on mine and I could feel his warm breath on my face. The funny feeling grew stronger, and when his lips finally met mine I felt for sure my stomach would pop the feeling was so intense.

Looking back now, with the beauty that is hindsight, I can't help but sigh in disgust at the complete cliché that my life became at that moment. Steve was my boss, for crying out loud. Falling in love with one's boss was Cameron's department, not mine. When it was all over, it felt as though I had been sloughing in slow-motion through a bad daytime soap opera. But at the time, I was riding high and low on the tide of my emotions. Any rational protests were quickly swallowed up and spat out, like seaweed left behind after the morning tide.

I'd love to be able to say that I felt some guilt after that first kiss, and maybe I did, but I don't remember it. All I remember is how good it felt to be in someone's arms again, to feel rough hands running up and down my back and the gentle pressure of lips against mine.

I pushed Steve back against the door then, greedily taking his kisses and simultaneously demanding more. Steve finally broke the kiss, and we stared at each other with ragged breaths.

"Julie," he began, but I shushed him with a finger against his lips. "I don't want explanations and excuses, Steve. Please, don't try to rationalize this." I got enough of that from James.

"I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you are, Julie," he said, the words garbled as his lips moved against my finger. My finger fell away from his mouth then, and he bent down to kiss me again.

We wound up on the floor of his office, unwillingly to part for the length of time that it would take us to drive to his house. I tried not to think about the fact that James was also sleeping in his office that night as well, but the thought haunted me all night.

I won't even try to justify my behavior, because like I said earlier, I've had enough with excuses and explanations. I don't think I could explain it, even if I tried. And to say that Steve was there for me and James wasn't is just so cliché, even if there was a measure of truth to it.

James and I eventually made up. He slunk home late Sunday afternoon, bearing chocolate and roses, just as I'd predicted to Kara. "I'm sorry, Jules," he told me again.

"It's like you said, you can't help it when your patient gets sick." I looked up and smiled at him, and could see the relief wash over his face. "Let's just try and move on, James." He looked at me oddly then, as if he couldn't believe that I was willing to drop the issue so easily.

"O-Okay," he stammered, watching me warily as I put away the dishes. I'd thrown one too many for him not to.

I almost broke then, seeing the happiness light up his face, almost broke down and told him about me and Steve. But his next words turned my broken heart to solid stone.

"I have to head back, Jules," he said, and I noticed then that he hadn't even taken off his heavy overcoat. "I'm still on call until 7 tomorrow morning. I managed to bribe one of House's ducklings to cover me for an hour while I ran home."

I snorted, knowing exactly which duckling it was. It had to be Cameron, because it was always Cameron. She was forever offering to help James out, to take his call, to finish his paperwork, so he could go home. It sickened me. If she thought she could fix our marriage simply by sending James home, she was sorely mistaken. I wondered if she expected me to thank her.

James hugged me, and quickly kissed me on the top of my head. "You know I love you, Jules," he said, giving me his famous lopsided grin.

And so I fell into a comfortable, almost domestic, affair with Steve. James had hospital board meetings on Tuesday nights, and a departmental heads meeting on Thursday nights. On those nights, I went out with Steve. Sometimes we ended up back at his house, in his bed, and other nights we simply went to dinner and parted with no more than a quick kiss. Steve was adept at reading my emotions, and seemed to know without asking what I needed.

I went home the other nights, to cook a dinner that James usually missed. I didn't want to give him any reason to be suspicious. If James had weekend call, I usually packed my bags and went to stay with Steve. Before Steve, I used to spend the weekends that he was on call with an old girlfriend from school. James assumed I was still staying with her. Either way, he rarely called.

In retrospect, I remember how angry I would get sometimes that James didn't have the slightest suspicion about me and Steve. Did I really soar under his radar that much? I was almost indignant that he didn't catch me, as if his doing so would show that he cared.

TBC…

A/N: I know we could all see that coming from a mile away, but I'm more interested in exploring the motivations behind Julie's behavior than in creating surprises. Allow me one moment to brag that I so called the Julie-cheating-on-James issue on RL House! I had just finished this story when that episode aired, and I was saddened but not surprised. Married characters just don't make for good ratings. I could go on and on about that little conspiracy theory of mine, but I'll spare you the details. :-)