What Love Has Made of Me

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Thanks again to all the reviewers, especially Larken, who summed it up quite nicely with, "As much as I love Wilson, I wouldn't want to be with Wilson." My feelings exactly!

Steve only told me he loved me twice. The first time was after we had been together for about six months. It was during those stressful few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when everyone's emotions are already on edge.

We were at his house, in bed. "Jules," he began as he snuggled against me. I had my head turned away, staring at the far wall, wondering again how I'd managed to get myself in this situation and wishing that it was James who was here with me, because even when I was with Steve, James was never far from my mind.

"Don't call me Jules," I muttered, still staring at the wall.

"Why not?" he asked. I sighed. I knew he wanted more out of our relationship than I was willing or capable to give.

"Because only James calls me Jules," I said, knowing that it would hurt him and not particularly caring. I'd long since forgotten about that funny feeling that drew me to Steve in the first place, but I wasn't sure how to extract myself from the mess I'd created without causing another uproar, and I was too weary to think too hard about it.

He sighed then, let go of me, and flopped over on his back.

"I love you, Julie," he sighed. "Can't you see that?"

"I know you do," I told him. We said nothing after that, and I slunk home after he fell asleep. We didn't speak for two weeks after that, other than the civil exchanges required at work. I took more than one sick day during that time, unable to face Steve and the unpleasant churning in my stomach that started up ever time I did.

God, I'm pathetic, I thought as I drove home that night. Now I'm getting into spats with my lover. Maybe it's me, I thought, not particularly caring to know the answer.

But two weeks later James and I got into another famous row, and Steve just couldn't help himself. "Please let me take care of you, Julie," he begged. I gave in, because I did care about Steve and because he so easily and willingly met my every need.

And so Steve and I fell back into our old routine, with him keeping his emotions and nicknames to himself.

Present...

I fell back onto the bed then, remembering that I no longer had a job to go to. That was an indirect result of Steve telling me for the second time that he loved me.

It was a Sunday evening, one week before my and James' four year anniversary. He was promising me something big this year to make up for last year's letdown. If you only knew, I'd thought when he'd told me. At any rate, he'd promised me a long weekend in Maine at a quaint bed and breakfast. I refused to get my hopes up, knowing that more than likely he'd have to cancel at the last moment. I'd put off telling Steve for as long as possible, knowing that the news wouldn't be well received. But I finally had to tell him, because I needed two days off work.

I waited until we were in bed one night, hoping that it would soften the blow. I knew Steve couldn't understand why I stayed with James, when it was so apparent that he loved me and was willing to take his place. But I couldn't leave James. I really did love him. I just didn't know how to get out of my current situation, or how to get me and James back to where we started, back to where we were in love.

"You've got bad news, don't you?" Steve asked, dragging me away from my internal monologue.

I grimaced at him, knowing that I shouldn't be surprised that he'd known something was up. He was way too perceptive not to.

"James is taking me away for our anniversary next week. I'm going to need a couple of days off." I stared at my hands as I talked, unable to look him in the face.

Steve sighed and rolled over away from me. "We can't go on like this anymore, Julie," he said. He was mumbling into the pillow, and I had to strain to hear him.

I said nothing, knowing he had more to say.

He rolled back over then, and cupped my face in his hands. "I'm tired of this. I don't want to be the other man in you life anymore, Julie. I want to be the only man in your life. I love you, and this situation is killing me."

"You know I'm not going to leave him," I said flatly. With Steve there had been a funny feeling that had been nice to indulge, but with James there was more. Right now that more was like a gaping wound that hurt every time I moved, but the funny feeling was gone, and the hurt was still there. I could remember a time though when that hurt had had a sweet tinge to it, when it had been the good kind of hurt. I wouldn't trade that hurt for anything, even if I did resent it sometimes.

"Maybe we just need to end this then," he said coldly.

"Fine," I replied, just as coolly.

He broke then, and clung to me. "Julie, what's so wrong with me? I've done nothing but love you. What has James done for you recently? The only reason he's taking you to Maine is because he feels guilty about all the times he's abandoned you, and hopes that it gives him some leeway for all the times in the next year that he's going to do the same."

"Don't talk about James like that," I spat, peeling his arms off of me and scooting out of the bed. "You don't know anything about him and me." I started to put on my clothes, cursing myself once again for getting myself into this situation. I wondered if this was how James had felt when he'd cheated on his first wife. Probably not, I thought. After all, he'd cheated on his first wife with his soon-to-be second wife.

"I know more than you think, Julie. James' reputation precedes him. What makes you so certain that he's going to stand by you? You are his third wife, remember? How can you be so certain that he won't cheat on you?" Steve had rolled onto his side, and was propping his head up with his hand, looking too cocky for my liking.

I snapped then. Everyone gives James such a hard time about his first two wives. To hear House talk about it, you would think the man hadn't been faithful a day in his life. Well, it's time to set the record straight.

James and Emily had been very young when they married, barely 22 and just out of college. She'd had big dreams about being a rich doctor's wife, but what she hadn't planned on was first being the wife of a poor medical student. I can't condone James for cheating on her, but I can understand. Their marriage had been all but over by the time James fell into bed with his rather attractive study partner.

Shannon had been a bit more realistic than Emily, perhaps too much so. They married shortly after graduating from medical school, with just enough time to pack up their apartment in Baltimore and move to Jersey. They were fortunate with how their residency matches had worked out. James got an oncology residency here at PPTH, and Shannon was right up the road at Rutgers, specializing in pediatrics. Four years later, Shannon announced out of the blue that she "wasn't cut out for married life."

James was shocked, to say the least. "You need someone who's going to be satisfied with just being a doctor's wife," she'd told him. "I can't do that. I don't want to do that. There are so many things I want to do with my career, and I just don't think it's fair to expect you to trail along after me. I would hope that you wouldn't expect that from me. We're both young doctors with a lot before us, and I don't want my options limited by someone else."

She'd never given him any warning until the day she left him. He couldn't understand what she was saying. He'd never given her any indication that he expected her to sacrifice her career for him, although in my opinion (which I kept to myself – score two points for me), it's not an unreasonable expectation that you take your spouse's wants and needs into consideration when making such big decisions. Otherwise, what's the point in staying married? This, I guess, was exactly Shannon's point.

So really, James isn't quite the philanderer House makes him out to be. Okay, granted, he did go through his fair share of the nursing staff after Shannon left him, but he just wasn't ready to commit to anything serious. Can you blame him?

"I'm not certain he won't cheat on me, Steve!" I yelled. "God knows if he does I deserve it after what I've been doing to him for the last year." I started to cry then, as the reality of my betrayal sank in. Up until this point I had been denying how damaging my behavior had been. I had spent the last year cheating on my husband, the man I had sworn to love for the rest of my days, the man I knew I was going to love for the rest of my days, even if he left me. I sank back onto the bed and buried my face in my hands. "What have I done?" I sobbed. "All I ever wanted was James. He screwed up, but he doesn't deserve this!"

"Oh Julie," Steve said as all the anger drained out of his voice. He scooted over to the side of the bed next to me, placed his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. "I am so sorry. This is all my fault."

For some reason his words made me sob even harder. "No," I said firmly, shaking my head. "This – you, James – is all my fault. I've betrayed James and hurt you in the process. God, I am so stupid!"

"Julie, you're not stupid. You were just vulnerable, and I took horrible advantage of that. I am so sorry. I had no idea you felt so strongly about James. I mean, all I - all we - ever heard was how much he screwed up on a regular basis. I never meant to hurt you like this."

"What am I going to do?" I mumbled into my hands, too tired to bawl anymore, although the tears continued to run down my face.

"God, Julie, I never thought I'd be saying this to you." He removed his arm from my shoulder and clasped his hands between his knees. "You need to go home to James. If you love him, if he's what you really want, then you need to go home to him right now."

"He's going to hate me," I wailed. "He'll never forgive me!"

"Julie, listen to me." Steve clasped one hand on each of my shoulders and forced me to look at him.

"What?" I sighed, finally raising my eyes to meet his when I realized he wouldn't continue talking until I did.

"I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that everything's going to be ok. James very well could never forgive you for this. But you still need to try and make it right. He may surprise you Julie." Steve wiped at his eye then. I cried even harder, hating myself for hurting Steve in the process.

"Julie," Steve said softly. "Don't beat yourself up over me, ok? I'm not worth it."

I was so paralyzed with grief that I couldn't move. I wanted to go home, needed to go home, but I just couldn't move. If I sat here forever, I wouldn't have to tell James. But if I got up and started moving, then it would only be a matter of time before I crushed him with my confession.

Steve stood up and held his hands out to me. "Let's go Julie."

I let Steve pull me to my feet, and then trudged out of the room, my feet feeling heavier with every step. Steve accompanied me to the door. I walked through the front door, then turned back to face him. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Steve," I whispered.

"No more apologies," he muttered, then continued, "It'd probably be a good idea if you didn't come back to work," he said, a resigned look to his face.

"Yeah," I muttered.

"Bye Jules," he said, a faint smile playing across his face.

I shook my head at him then and smiled back at him. "Don't call me Jules, Steve," I said.

"I know," he said as his smile grew bigger. "Only James can call you that."

We both laughed then, and I knew Steve would be ok. I headed down his front steps and tried to steel myself for the confrontation yet to come.

TBC…