What Love Has Made of Me
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Thanks, as always, for the reviews and encouragement. Here's to Season 3!
I thought I'd have one last night to myself, since James was on call until the next morning, but when I pulled into the driveway the lights were on. I'd been gone since Friday morning and hadn't left any on. It was James, and he was home. Thank you, Cameron.
I sat in my car for a few minutes, gathering my thoughts, watching as the light from the garage played off my engagement ring. I'd never hated myself more than I did at that moment. Sighing, I opened the car door and headed toward the house.
James was sitting in the kitchen, eating, when I walked through the door from the garage. God, I wasn't getting any breaks tonight.
"Hey," he said, smiling at me over his bowl of Cheerios.
"Hey," I replied, hoping I sounded normal. "What are you doing home?" I dropped my overnight bag on the floor and flipped through the mail that James had brought in.
"Cameron," he said, smiling as I looked up and rolled my eyes. "Why do you always roll your eyes when I mention her? It's like you don't want me coming home."
I dropped the mail back down on the table and walked around to sit across from James. "I don't know," I answered noncommittally, shrugging my shoulders as I did so. The last thing I needed to do right now was pick a fight with him over Cameron.
James, ever agreeable, dropped the topic as well. "How was Amy's?" he asked.
"Um, I need to talk to you about that," I said, twisting my hands in my lap as I did so. "Oh God," I moaned before dropping my head onto the table and starting to cry.
"Jules?" James pulled his chair over to me and put his arm around my shoulder. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"
I continued to sob, but nodded my head up and down.
"What? Did Amy say something to you? Do you not want to go stay there anymore?"
I shook my head no to all his questions.
"Jules, baby, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."
"It's Steve," I managed to choke out before increasing my sobs.
"Did you lose your job? Jules, it's not a big deal. You don't have to work if you don't want to. You know that. And you can always come back to the hospital if you want to." He was rubbing my back now. James has, and always will be, a sucker for tears.
I took one huge breath in, hiccupping several times as I did so. I then raised my head to look James in the eye. He at least deserved that. The sight of his face nearly undid me again. It was his doctor's face, the one that's full of concern and compassion. God, I loved his eyes. He gently brushed my thick dark brown hair out of my face before cupping my face in his hand and rubbing away the tears with his thumb.
"I was with Steve this weekend," I said simply before closing my eyes and hesitantly opening them again. His face filled with confusion, and he looked to me for clarity. I barely nodded my head, and then grimaced as his hand fell away and understanding dawned on his face.
"You...and Steve...were together..." He stumbled for words.
"I am so sorry, James," I said. James pushed his chair away from me and looked away. I watched him, waiting for some sign of how he was going to react. When he turned around and I saw the tears in his eyes, I lost it then, crying harder than I'd ever cried before.
"How long has this been going on, Julie?" he asked with a new hardness to his voice.
I tried to stop crying long enough to answer him, but it took me several moments. Finally I whispered, "a year," and then resumed crying.
James sat for a moment, digesting this new information, and then slammed his hand down on the table. I jumped and eyed him warily. I have never, ever been afraid of James hitting me, but the fury in his eyes just then scared me.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered again.
"I need to go," he said, talking more to himself than me. "I-I need to think."
"James, I'll go," I offered, feeling that he shouldn't have to leave because I screwed up.
"Where are you going to go, Julie?" he asked cynically. I knew without him saying it where exactly he was thinking, and my heart broke all over again at his rightful distrust.
"It's over, James," I said. "I swear. Oh God," I moaned, burying my face in my hands in a futile attempt to hide my shame. "I screwed up the best thing I ever had." Now I was the one talking to myself. I shook my head back and forth behind my hands, feeling the tears slip between my fingers. The sound of the door to the garage slamming shut caused me to look up. I sighed. He was gone. "Way to go, Julie," I berated myself.
Suddenly, exhaustion overcame me. I didn't know if I'd be able to even make it upstairs, but I must have, because I woke up in our bed this morning. And so here I am, with no job and no husband.
I'm not expecting sympathy, because I certainly don't deserve any. But I don't want to lose James either. At this point, however, what's to become of our relationship is entirely James' decision.
TBC…
A/N: My apologies for the shortness of this chapter. The story just breaks naturally at this point. The next bit will be significantly longer.