What Love Has Made of Me

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: Well, this is it. My deepest thanks to each reader who gave this story a chance. May Julie's never-cast character rest in peace. And finally, I stretched a few limits relating to medical plausibility, but not any more so than they do on the show.

They told me later that I coded three times before they could stabilize me. They said that if Cameron hadn't been in the room when I coded that I might not have made it. She was able to start the code and had me back in sinus rhythm (for a while, anyway) before anyone else showed up. I lost a lot of blood during that time and narrowly missed developing sepsis. It was three days before I woke up. When I finally did open my eyes for the first time on that Monday morning, the first thing I saw was James, slumped over in a chair next to me, asleep…

My first thought was that I was hallucinating. My second thought was that I was in a whole lot of pain, and I couldn't keep from groaning in response. James stirred at the noise, and I shivered. I wasn't ready to face him. I wasn't even really sure what had happened to me, but it was too late now. He was definitely awake.

"Jules?" he said, the disbelief equally mixed with hope on his tired face. "Are you awake, baby?" He jumped out of the chair and pressed himself next to my bed. He ran one cool, smooth hand over my forehead, pushing my matted hair out of my eyes. "Hey baby," he whispered when he could finally see me. His other hand then shot forward as he shone a bright light in my eyes. I smiled. Always the doctor.

My smile seemed to reassure him, because he turned the light off and went back to looking into my eyes with his own. The hand that had been holding the light now grasped one of my own hands firmly.

"Hey," I whispered back, surprised at how hoarse my voice was. My mouth felt like sandpaper and I could only imagine what my breath smelled like. I choked then, and James quickly grabbed a glass of water and guided the straw to my lips.

"Thanks," I sputtered after I slurped until there was no water left.

"Do you want some more?" he asked anxiously as his forehead creased in concern.

"No," I said, not wanting him to leave me. I closed my eyes and smiled, enjoying this brief, precious moment in his arms.

"Jules?" he said, the panic rising in his voice. I guess he wasn't ready for me to drift off again, so I forced open my eyes and smiled weakly at him again. I was so tired already.

"God, Jules you scared me. Don't ever do that again."

"Sorry," I said.

He smiled and nodded. I found my eyes shutting against my will. I wasn't ready to leave James yet, but I was rapidly sinking back into oblivion.

"I love you," he said and I fought unsuccessfully to open my eyes once more.

"I love you too," I told him, although I was pretty sure that he couldn't make out my words. The last thing I remember was James bending down to kiss my forehead. His scent overwhelmed me, and I fell asleep content.

Amy had broken down when I coded and ran to find James. She said that when she told him I was downstairs in the ER that his face went as white as a ghost before he sprinted off down the hall, nearly knocking over an old lady or two in his haste to find me.

"He didn't leave your side once, Julie," Amy told me later. "I don't know that I've ever seen a person so worried."

Amy said James never once questioned my pregnancy. He was so focused on saving me that he had to be removed from my room more than once because he was in the way.

"He wouldn't let go of you, Julie. He had your head cradled to his chest, and those poor docs were dancing all around him trying to resuscitate you. He was crying, Julie. He was openly bawling in front of his colleagues, begging them to save your life."

"He told them that you were the only thing that mattered to him, that if they lost you they might as well go on and kill him too because he couldn't live without you. He loves you, Jules. He really does."

I woke up again later that afternoon. James was in the same position that he'd been in the first time, slumped over and snoring. Pain seared through me again, but I bit my lip to keep from waking him. Right at that moment, Cameron walked in through the door.

"I heard you were awake," she said brightly. "I've got those tests results for you."

I looked over at James then. Damnit. He was awake. Cameron saw James just then too, and her face flushed. "Dr. Wilson," she stammered. "I –I didn't know you were here. I was just dropping off some of Julie's, um, daily labs. I'll just bring them back later." She turned to race out of the room, but James' eerily quiet voice stopped her just before she reached the doorway.

"Dr. Cameron," he said, holding out his hand. "Let me see those."

Cameron cringed and looked at me, an unspoken apology plastered across her face. "It's ok, Cameron," I said, resigning myself to my fate. "Thank you." She smiled briefly before turning to flee once more.

James held the folder in his hand without opening it. My heart fell. So this is how it all goes down, I thought.

"What are these, Jules?" he asked, his voice tight yet surprisingly neutral.

I couldn't lie anymore. "DNA results," I said simply.

He nodded his head, as if I'd confirmed what he'd already suspected. I could have died right then and there. He slowly opened the folder and pulled out the sheet. I waited, holding my breath as I squeezed my eyes shut. Please God, I begged. I heard the folder flutter to the floor and my eyes popped open. James was slouched in the chair, his face buried in his hands.

"James?" I asked hesitantly. He slowly raised his head up and met my eyes. His chocolate brown eyes were rimmed in red.

"She was mine," he whispered, before burying his hands back in his face.

I began to cry with him then, mourning the loss of a daughter we'd never know.

A few moments later, I felt James crawl into bed next to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his chest.

"I am so sorry, baby," he whispered, nuzzling his face in my hair. I could feel the dampness of his tears on the back of my head.

I couldn't believe it. I had cheated on him and he was apologizing?

"Don't," I whispered back, nearly choking on my own tears. "I'm the one who should be sorry and I am. I'm so sorry, James. I never meant to hurt you like this."

He kissed the top of my head then. "It's my fault," he insisted. I shook my head no.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was pregnant." Since we were apologizing, I figured I might as well get it all out at once. "I didn't find out until the day before I miscarried." My eyes filled with tears at the thought of the daughter we'd lost. It's funny how quickly you can get attached to the idea of carrying a child inside you. I'd only known I was pregnant for about 24 hours before I lost our baby, but I still felt the loss acutely.

"Shhh," he comforted as my tears turned to sobs. "Jules, I know this isn't going to make you feel better right now, but you can still have babies, if that's what you want."

I sobbed harder, not understanding his words. Was he consoling me that I'd at least have that even after he left me? "What do you want?" I managed to choke out, still waiting to hear my fate with regards to our tattered marriage.

But he misunderstood me, thinking I was speaking of the matter immediately at hand. "I want us to have another daughter," he whispered. I couldn't have cried any harder than I was already crying at the moment, but I started to wail and my body shook in both relief and sorrow at his words.

"Jules, baby," he continued. "Look at me."

I rolled over to face him, grimacing a little at the pain that flared through my abdomen. I stared in James' deep brown eyes, shocked at the love that I saw in them. "I want to start over Jules, me and you. And I want us to have another baby. Lots of them." He smiled. "I forgive you, Jules," he said, running his fingers down the side of my face before placing them against my lips to silence my protests. "But only if you'll forgive me for driving you to the point where I failed you completely as a husband."

I went to shake my head no again. He didn't need to apologize. The blame lay solely with me. "Jules," he insisted. "I need your forgiveness too."

"Okay," I stammered. He smiled then, and my heart broke all over again.

"You know," he began, rubbing my upper arm gently. "Today's the perfect day to start over." He dipped his head and began to nuzzle my neck.

"Why's that?" I asked, sniffling slightly and rubbing the tears from my eyes, surprised to find that I'd finally ceased to cry. My heart was pounding. I'd never once believed that I'd ever get James back after what I'd done to him and was still somewhat doubtful that this was actually happening. I had been getting a lot of drugs over the last few days…

He looked up then and flashed his famous lopsided grin at me. "You don't remember?" he teased.

I groaned, but smiled. "Sorry, love," I said, hesitantly reaching up to caress his unshaven face. I still couldn't believe this was happening. Any minute now I expected to wake up and find myself alone.

"Well, I may be spending it at the hospital, but at least this year I'm with you."

His grin grew even bigger as understanding dared to gleam in my eyes.

"Happy anniversary, Jules," he said.

"Happy anniversary, James," I returned, watching as the warm tears welled up in my eyes and blurred my vision once more.

"I love you."

"I love you too," I returned, grinning like a fool for the first time in weeks. "You know I do."

Fin